Lady Venus & Three Shooting Stars

It was midnight, two days after Christmas. I was on a short holiday in Ayer Island, accompanied by good friends of mine and new acquaintances that no doubt would become good friends too. I was sure of that, as tonight, we witnessed a miracle. Well, at least we thought it was a miracle…

It was only two days after Christmas. And on the jetty on the back of the island, we laid under the midnight sky. The weather was warm and the clear dark sky was full of stars. A bit high on pot and needing something spiritually meaningful to do, eight of us – Uga, Ndet, Leska, O’o, Radi, Audi, Andhara and me – were stargazing.

I could feel the wild grasses near us turned silver by the radiant rays of the stars. I could hear a couple of crickets chirping out from the grass. I could smell the beautiful scent of the sea. But my eyes were fixed on one bright star above. Venus, the morning star. The brightest celestial object in the sky after the sun and the moon. The brightest one of all out of the millions that adorned the sky. I was silently making conversation with her – with Lady Venus…

“Good evening, Lady Venus. How are you tonight? I hope you’re well enough, because I’m about to ask you to do something for me. I’d like you to grant me a wish. Just one wish… I need you to deliver me the comfort of days to come, knowing that my wish would come true. Could you please do that for me? Would that be too much to ask?”

Then all of the sudden… As I was tenderly handing her a wish from deep within my heart… a shooting star caught my eyes… “A shooting star!!!” Leska shouted, pointing eagerly to the sky. “Hurry and make a wish!” she added. “I saw it too!” Radi agreed. Phew, I was glad. At least with three people seeing it, I could be sure that I wasn’t hallucinating from staring at the morning star too long or from smoking too much weed. “Did you make a wish?” Radi asked. I smiled and nodded. Yeah… I did…

A heart was healed from the light left behind by the shooting star. My heart. Then visions of the future flooded my mind. My eyes went back to Lady Venus, staring at her lovingly and wordlessly talking to her again.

“My beloved Lady Venus. I hope that’s your answer. I hope that’s a ‘yes’ from you… I’ve had so many broken dreams and empty promises in my life. I’ve been running low on faith. So I hope that was a sign from you that my beliefs will be defended once again. And my faith will be restored. Prayers are answered and wishes do come true…”

Then… ANOTHER SHOOTING STAR caught my eyes. “Another one!” Leska and Radi shouted almost in chorus. “Where?” Ndet asked, disappointed because she didn’t see the first one and now she missed the second one. This time I was speechless for a couple of seconds. I couldn’t believe I saw TWO shooting stars in less than 15 minutes! When I finally found my voice, it sounded almost like a whisper, “Over there. It was just there, Ndet.” I pointed to the sky full of stars. But the shooting star, of course, was gone.

“Damn, did I miss it again?” Ndet complained. “Wow, two shooting stars! Our wishes MUST come true,” I heard someone saying my thoughts out loud. “Yeah, we’re gonna have a good year next year,” I heard an answer. “Amen!” now almost everyone joined the ‘chorus’. But I wasn’t really listening or attempting to join the conversation. I’d rather be amazed by myself. I’d rather keep this feeling of awe inside. I gazed back at Lady Venus.

“Dear Lady Venus, those were two instead of one. I wasn’t expecting that. Thank you. You’ve been generous tonight. I wish I could be sure, though. I wish I could translate your message. It should be clear. But I’m still unsure. Forgive me for doubting you. But long in wait I have been… Anxiousness stirs within my soul. It has almost become a part of me. I don’t know how to be optimistic anymore… I wish I could be sure…”

Then in the fashion of a true miracle, I SAW THE THIRD ONE! This time I was the one who shouted, “Another shooting star!!!” Leska nodded quickly, “I saw it too.” We were the only two people who saw that third shooting star. Radi and O’o were too busy discussing politics and religion. Ndet was no longer stargazing. She was sitting up straight, staring at the sea instead. The rest were also chatting about something. No one else saw it but Leska and me. “That’s three in a row, Les,” I said to her quietly. “I know! Isn’t that amazing?” she agreed. “This is a great night. We’re very lucky tonight,” she added. “Yeah, a great night,” I repeated her words to reassure myself that this was indeed... a great night...

Now everyone returned to a laying-down position, fixing their eyes on the stars, as if hoping to see another one. Everyone fell quiet for a moment. But I knew there wasn’t gonna be another one. I didn’t know how I knew, but I just knew. And sure enough, clouds slowly started to fill the space above us, blocking the stars in the midnight sky. It was like someone was turning off the light, one by one… I quickly glanced at Lady Venus before she too was gone for the night… I smiled at her a bit, hoping that none of my friends saw me doing it of course…

“I have to be sure. That was three times in a row in less than an hour. I couldn’t ask for a better night than tonight. If THAT wasn’t a miracle, then I don’t know what is. So I must be sure. I must trust you, Lady Venus. And I do trust you. Work your magic tonight and make me the little girl whom you used to know. The little girl who once wished upon the star which has taken her this far. The little girl who believed in you. I’m going to believe in you again, Lady Venus. For this wish is more than a dream and yet not a fantasy. Please somehow turn it into reality… Good night, Lady Venus…”

We returned to Jakarta the next afternoon, arriving at dusk. And as I drove home from Sindang Laut Harbor this evening, I saw her again. Lady Venus in the early evening sky of Jakarta. For those of you who don’t know, Jakarta sky is very rarely adorned by stars because the pollution is so bad here. And sure enough, no other star was present tonight. The sky was pitched black. And yet, SHE was there. Lady Venus was there. The morning star. Bright as always. I could see her clearly all the way home. She accompanied me again tonight. That was a reassurance, was it Lady Venus? I really hope so. I need to be reassured very often lately.

“Hello Lady Venus… It was an honor to dance the night sky with you last night, while the crickets played their music and the sea sent its mystical aroma into the air. And when silence falls around me, there you are again, caressing me, lighting the fire inside me… Thank you so much, Lady Venus. Now I’m waiting for my wish to come true…”

Ambon, the Capital of Heaven

[To Shindi, Uga and Ndet, my dearest and best traveling friends, sorry it took me so long to write this piece. I got distracted by unexpected “personal events” that happened in my life, not long after we returned from Ambon. Hehehe… Yeah, excuses, excuses… And… BEWARE, this is A VERY LOOONG story!!! Go get some coffee before reading it.]

[To readers on facebook, I’ve turned off the “comments facility” to avoid unnecessary back-and-forth messages among those I tagged. If I tag you, it means I think you’re interested to read about our trip. So if you’d like to leave comments, please go to my official blog site: http://life-elements.blogspot.com. And thanks for reading! Hope it will inspire you to visit this Heaven soon!]

Photos by: Shindi & Uga Sutowo

*****



We barely had any sleep. All girls, all sleepy, but all psyched up to go to Ambon (a little bit too psyched up for a 1.30AM flight). The direct flight took about 3.5 hours from the filthy capital of Indonesia to the capital of Heaven in the Spice Islands of Maluku.


The ridiculous flight to Heaven
Lion Air, of course as many of you know, is tight and narrow with way too many seats. The service sucks and, if you’re hungry or thirsty, you have to BUY your food and drinks. F&B are not included in the airfare that you pay. That’s what you get for cheap airfares, I guess. But we had no choice. There are only 4 airlines serving Ambon – Lion, Mandala, Batavia and Sriwijaya. They’re all the same. The word “uncomfortable” could not even begin to describe how miserable we were in those 3.5 hours. So we made it up by going absolutely mental! As I told you, we were a little bit too psyched up for this trip. We were high on adrenalin.

All through the flight, we were chatting and laughing out loud, making rude comments about the flight attendants, about other passengers, about everything… Imagine this. There are three seats on the left row and three on the right. Shindi and Ndet occupied two seats on one of the right rows, with no one on the third seat. Uga and I occupied two seats on the left row, but we were sharing the row with a guy who sat on the aisle-seat. The poor guy was clearly trying so hard to sleep. But of course… he failed. We were rude AND loud!



Pregnancy test and KFC
Well, you can’t really blame us. We were “confronted” by ridiculous situations! (Yeah, this IS our excuse for being rowdy). As we just boarded, a flight attendant came up to Ndet and asked, “Excuse me, Ma’am… Are you pregnant?” And of course Ndet and Shindi just cracked up laughing as an answer. Ndet almost answered, “Yes, I have been for the past 12 years!” They immediately told Uga and I, who cracked up even louder. Apparently there’s this new regulation that pregnant passengers must report to airline authorities before being allowed to fly. But Ndet? Pregnant? Right!

Then after doing their regular rounds to offer passengers to buy food and drinks from their trolley, these giggly flight attendants went back to their station on the back of the plane. Apparently they brought their own food. Since we were sitting on the back rows, we could easily smell the unmistakable aroma of… KFC!!! Shit… while we were sitting there hungry (but too proud, too stubborn and too cheap to buy anything from the trolley), they were having KFC. I think Shindi almost called out to them saying, “Hey! Let us BUY YOUR KFC!!!” Thank God she didn’t… Hahaha…

Is it possible to meet anyone you know in this flight?
There were other “incidents” too. A middle-aged man who had on a pair of purple-yellow-green shoes. Another man with bright red Bart Simpson socks. The fact that there were no “sick bags” on the plane. What would happen if a passenger needs to puke? You have to buy a sick bag? You need to pay just to puke? So basically, everything triggered us to laugh and gossip and laugh some more. And the poor guy who sat next to me, of course, failed to have any sleep. As Shindi and Ndet fell in and out of restless and very uncomfortable sleep, Uga and I kept our conversation colorful, making it even harder for this guy to doze off.

And to complete the ridiculousness of the flight, as we arrived in Ambon, another friend of mine who works in Raja Ampat - Papua, Katrin, called me and asked, “Are you in Ambon, now? Did you just arrive?” Confused, I asked her how she knew that all the way from Papua… AND ladies and gentlemen… As it turned out, the poor guy who sat next to me the whole flight from Jakarta to Ambon, the guy who tried to sleep but couldn’t because we were so inconsiderate, is her boyfriend. He was on his way to Raja Ampat to see her, transiting in Ambon. He recognized me as Kat’s friend. He wanted to say hi, but I simply didn’t give him a chance. Oh my LORD! And to think that we were going to a place where we couldn’t possibly meet anyone we know! We couldn’t be more wrong. Kat and Rey, we’re very… very… sorry!!! Hahaha!



Untamed beauty of Ambon Bay
Alright. Enough of the flight story. We were in Ambon. AMBON!!! Finally… I had missed this beautiful heaven for 2 years. Kept wondering when I would come back again. And there I was. I was in Ambon.

Ambon is the capital of Maluku Province. Together with the islands in North Maluku Province, they are better known to Europeans as The Moluccas. The islands had been of interest to spice traders from as early as the 1st century, and later became known as The Spice Islands, due to the cloves, nutmeg, and cinnamon which grow there. It was these East Indies that Columbus was looking for when he accidentally found America in 1492.

As Pak Franky, our driver, drove us into the city to check into our hotel, the view of Ambon Bay accompanied us along the way. Untamed against slowly swollen sun that gently pierced the smoky morning clouds. To say it’s beautiful is an understatement. Here, feeling like at the edge of the world, I was breathless. And for once since the night before, the four of us weren’t so loud anymore…

The main island of Ambon resembles two horseshoes back to back. Ambon City lies on the south side of the beautiful Ambon Bay. The airport is located in the north, across the bay, and although a ferry connects the two, it is quicker to drive the 36 km. We went through a series of small villages, and the first thing that would strike you was the number of churches. They were of many different designs and some villages had up to 4 churches of different denominations. Although Indonesia has the world's largest Moslem population, Maluku is home to a large number of Christians and it was common to see a mosque and church side by side.

Then drowsiness started to hit us when we arrived at Hotel Mutiara, where we were going to stay during this trip. It was around 9 in the morning. We were (finally) sleepy. So after having a quick and much-needed breakfast of chicken porridge, we delayed the plan to explore Ambon until noon. We went to sleep… in Ambon…



Peaceful Fort Amsterdam
At around noon, we packed our rented car with lunch boxes and a cool-box-full of soft drinks and beer. Destination: Fort Amsterdam. Located in Hila Village, about 2 hours from Ambon, the fort was built by the Dutch (obviously) in the beginning of the 17th century. Those were the early years of the Spice Trade. After all, we WERE now in the famous spice islands of Maluku, the mostly forgotten islands that actually hold the most important piece of historical facts in the formation of this scatterbrained country. For it was the race for nutmegs and cloves, the two main commodities in Maluku, that had given us our beginning. The beginning of a nation. And here we stood. We were in an early piece of our history, standing in the courtyard of Fort Amsterdam!

The rundown fort still stood proudly on the rocky shore of Banda Sea against the hazy backdrop of Seram Island. The Banda Sea itself is believed to be one of the deepest seas on earth (6.5 km deep). It's very intriguing, considering that the sole means of transportation between islands are boats. More often they're not of sophisticated ones. Yes! You've got to have the 'stomach' to want to travel around these islands.

Obviously, taking lots of narcissistic pictures here is a MUST. So we did. Then next activity was to daydream while staring at the bright blue sea, letting the breeze play with our hair. I couldn’t help envisioning the foes approaching, ready to fire their guns and cannons. The havoc of war, the battle’s confusion. But in full glory we stood, defending our fort until we were blessed with victory and peace. And peace was all I got in this island. Peace that pierces the heart, leaving me happy and content. I was at peace.

There used to be another bit of history in this sleepy village of Hila. Until the bloody religious conflict in Maluku, there was an old wooden church in the vicinity of this fort. But the church was sadly burned down to the ground during the turmoil.

If you don’t know or don’t remember what happened, here’s a little sad reminder of it. Since the end of the heyday of the spice trade, Maluku became largely forgotten. Then, in recent decades, tourists discovered the great beauty of these islands, straddling the equator, and which have some of the world's most stunning dive sites. Sadly, the peace and religious harmony of these islands was shattered in 1999, when a minor dispute between a Christian and Moslem led to full scale riots, which lasted until about 2004. During that time many buildings were bombed and burnt, and whole villages were wiped out. The riots spread throughout many islands of Maluku.

Now peace is restored and the people are busy rebuilding and getting on with their lives. There is a building frenzy going on as Moslems and Christians help each other rebuild homes, as well as churches and mosques. Maluku is now safe again and tourists are slowly returning. But a piece of exquisite history was gone – the ancient church behind Fort Amsterdam – is irrecoverable, destroyed by narrow-mindedness and ignorance. A lesson that, surprisingly, no one has seemed to learn from… People in other parts of this country still fight in the name of religions. Pathetic!

Anyway… After sharing potato chips with the local kids, we decided to move on. We were heading to Natsepa Beach.



Lovely afternoon on Natsepa Beach
Natsepa Beach is the most popular beach in Ambon. But just like other popular beaches in Indonesia, Natsepa is now full of people, beachside food stalls, ugly gazebos and rubbish. So typical… Indonesian people just simply don’t know how to look after a place. Most Indonesians don’t even know how to appreciate a beautiful place like this…

But luckily, Ndet and I still remembered a hidden corner of Natsepa. We were there a couple of years ago to host a “Crazy Bamboo” party for Dewi Sandra and Glenn Fredly. They were newly married then and we took them to Ambon to do a photo shoot for the cover of our magazine, Tamasya. So we took Uga and Shindi there. The small bay was not as empty as we had hoped it to be. But it wasn’t too crowded either. There we sat and had our (very late) lunch while a few local children were swimming nearby. Narcissistic picture moments? YOU BET! Shindi even took a chance to have her picture taken with these local kids. Natsepa Beach wasn’t that spectacular, but we ended up having a lovely afternoon indeed…



The City Gate
From Natsepa, we traveled on to the other side of the island, looking for Pintu Kota, or the City Gate. Pintu Kota is a natural arch in the sea cliffs with a small cave to the side of the arch. The area at the top of the cliff, the Pantai Pintu viewpoint, provides a great view over the bay and coastline. From here, a rough trail leads vertically down the cliff to the base of the arch. The beach is formed from stones and corals and is fringed by sea screw-pine trees. This is also the BEST dive site in Ambon Island, for its underwater paradise also features the same mystical arch teaming with life. This is the big fish playground. And only divers with advanced open water certifications should attempt to dive here because the current can be quite strong.

Here we waited for November sun to sink. Only the tree tops and the distance skies reddened and glowed, while everything else was in a shadow below. A beautiful end to a beautiful day in Heaven.



Seafood, seafood, seafood!
We got back at the hotel happy but very hungry. So we quickly had a shower and headed immediately back downstairs, where Andre had waited in the lobby. Andre Sitanala is the owner of Hotel Mutiara and a very good friend of mine. And tonight, he was going to treat us to a sumptuous seafood dinner. After introducing Andre to Shindi and Uga (Ndet already knew Andre from our previous trip), we took off in his car. He said he was going to recommend a new restaurant on the shore of Ambon Bay. He hadn’t tried it himself but heard people had been talking about it. Well, it didn’t hurt to check it out.

The restaurant was on the shore of Ambon Bay alright, and it was huge, but it was empty and didn’t look too enticing. So we decided to go the normal seafood place where most people go to, which is Dedes II Restaurant. The seafood here is fresh and guaranteed to be sooo… yummy! And it really was delightfully mouth-watering. Huge shrimps and various fish, grilled or fried, served with refreshingly spicy chili sauce called “colo-colo”. Then we washed it all down with cold beer. Good food and good friends. It was perfection!



Picturesque Pombo
The next morning we were… uhm… still sleepy. Hahaha… Uga, Ndet and I stayed up pretty late gossiping and joking around. Only Shindi who looked fresher this morning. But, never mind, we were still psyched up.

After breakfast, we departed to Pombo Island. Andre joined us on this trip, as well as Maya, a divemaster whom we decided to take as our guide. Pulau Pombo or Dove Island is a tiny deserted island off the northeast coast of Ambon. The island and its surrounding waters is a protected area usually used as a resting place by local fishermen. The water at the coral reef around the island is very shallow, which is a problem for boats. Timing and experience boat crew are important factors to reach the shore of the island.

As for the corals, well… when I came here a couple of years ago, the corals weren’t as nice as those off Ambon Island or in Banda. So I wasn’t expecting much. I wanted to check out the underwater world of Pombo, but wasn’t expecting to be awed. But I was wrong…

Pombo used to be one of the best snorkeling and dive sites in Ambon. But illegal fishing activities such as fish bombing, the use of cyanide and over-fishing practices in the last few decades had degraded and nearly destroyed the entire underwater structure of Pombo. However, efforts to give Pombo and its surroundings a protected status have finally paid off. The corals have recovered wonderfully to nearly 75% coverage. And of course, as the corals recover, the colorful underwater lives start coming back. Schools of fish, cute nudibranch, bright pink and orange fan corals… Picturesque underwater garden!

Upon our discovery, Maya and I immediately swam back to shore to tell the rest about the obviously newly formed and yet firmly developed coral reef. Pombo is back with its beauty. I told Andre that it’s time to really ensure surveillance and enforcement to avoid destructions in the future and to start promoting Pombo again as… PARADISE!

Snacks and beer were served on the beach. And photo sessions continued. All four of us agreed that we could just sit here all day, enjoying the lovely secluded beach of Pombo. Tranquility, mesmerizing views and the gentle movement of water made us feel at peace. We definitely recommend Pombo Island as a must-visit place while you’re in Ambon!



Being sandwiched at Hunimua Beach
We hesitantly decided to leave Pombo around 12.30 PM. Not only because the sun had started to fry us alive, but also because we wanted to see other beaches of Ambon today, since tomorrow we would have to go back home to reality. So we packed our things and boarded the boat. But instead of returning to Tulehu, the little jetty where we found and rented the boat, we directed the boat towards a beach on the main Ambon Island, located almost directly across Pombo. Hunimua Beach.

Two years ago, Dewi and Glenn stood on the long jetty of Hunimua for a cover shoot session of Tamasya magazine - July issue 2006. The spectacular cover, sporting blue and turquoise waters of Hunimua had prompted plenty of Tamasya readers to visit this almost forgotten island. In fact, a year later, a cellular phone company also decided to sponsor a photography trip to this Island. And on this jetty, the narcissistic four took yet MORE PICTURES!!! The best of the best would be a group-hug picture of Uga, Ndet and me, where I was squeezed in the middle like a sandwich meat. Hahaha… Fun in the sun!



The center of diving activities at Namalatu
We didn’t spend too much time at Hunimua. We still had to visit one more beach on the other side of the island. On the way there, we must first go back to the city of Ambon. Might as well, ‘cause we were hungry and it was way past lunch time. So we called the hotel to order us some lunch boxes from KFC. Yeah, yeah… I know. We shouldn’t even think of KFC in Ambon, but it’s fast, cheap and convenient to take away. The KFC lunch boxes were ready for us by the time we stopped by at the hotel. See? Fast and convenient!

Namalatu Beach is located in Latuhalat on the southeastern most part of the Leitimor Peninsula, facing the Banda Sea. Namalatu is also the center of diving activities in this island. Diving centers here offer dive gear for hire, as well as attractive and reasonably cheap dive packages. Its (usually) clear water is an ideal spot for bathing, swimming, snorkeling and diving. Well… usually… Today however, we were up for another surprise.

In Pombo before, I wasn’t expecting anything other than a few corals, sandy bottom and probably dead rubbles. As it turned out, I was amazed with the new beauty Pombo had presented me… On the contrary, in Namalatu, being the center of diving activities, I was expecting spectacular corals and lots of fish. Yet, the rainy season and the westerly wind had brought rubbish into the usually clear waters. And even though the seascape is a lot bigger than Pombo, but the corals were a bit damaged and not as colorful as those in Pombo, visibility was poor, there weren’t as many fish as I thought I would find here. I was quite disappointed. But for Uga, who usually could only enjoy dead corals around Kepulauan Seribu, the rocky and complex underwater seascape and the amount of living things she found here were very astonishing. Well… I guess compared to Kepulauan Seribu, seeing the reefs in the eastern part of Indonesia would feel like going to a huge expensive mall after knowing only the tiny second-hand “pojok busana” all your life… Hahaha!



Yummy papeda!
For our last dinner in Ambon, Andre and his staff have prepared delicious traditional Maluku dinner that consisted of papeda, a kind of transparent, grayish porridge made from the flour of the sago palm tree served with hot and sour fish soup and veggies. Papeda is the “icon” food for the provinces of Maluku, North Maluku, North Sulawesi, Gorontalo, and also Papua. For the people of these provinces, papeda is their main menu – their main source for carbohydrate – the same as rice, potatoes and corn in other parts of the world. It looks like glue and doesn’t have a specific taste, but once you mix it with the soup, it is simply superb!

Laughing the night away
Well, there wasn’t much to do anymore except to order a few beers and laugh the night away. Again, Shindi went straight to bed, while the three of us just went silly all night long. I won’t go into details… Ndet and Uga can tell you the rest…



Going home to hell-iality
Unfortunately, just like everything else in life, this too must come to an end. We must say goodbye, for now, to the serene and peaceful island of Ambon. Ambon is certainly a beautiful place, and together with neighboring islands such as Seram, Saparua and Banda, it is a great place for eco-tourists and those wanting somewhere off the beaten tourist path. It is still pretty much unspoilt by tourism. Ambon and the nearby Banda Islands offer some stunning dive sites while the Manusela National Park in Seram is good for trekking.



We don’t have time to go to those places on this trip, but I do hope Maluku has captured Shindi’s and Uga’s hearts as much as it has captured mine and Ndet’s. For me at least, Maluku drew a vivid mental picture of how beautiful the place was. Despite having been to many places around the world, the Spice Islands of Maluku remain close to my heart and will always be. As much as I know that tourism could help the economy in these islands, I secretly hope that Ambon and the surrounding islands will never be totally spoilt by tourism I hope they remain a hidden, unknown gem nestled between Sulawesi and Papua. My paradise, my heaven, I WILL come back again!

A Fool Once More

Dear Bo…
How are you today? Hope you’re alright and still guarding my sky … I really need you now… I need to tell you something… It was full moon two nights ago and something extraordinary happened to me… Something that I didn’t expect would ever happen… And I am a fool once more… Crushed and not really sure what’s real… Starting to trust irrelevant things again… And now from the dark, I can see your eagle wings… Spread and soar as your spirit sings… Please take me with you and teach me the little things you used to do… the little things with which I hope to win a heart, the way you won mine…

Dear Bo…
You used to say full moon on the desert is mystically powerful for it is like the throne of a goddess to whom we pray… It dominates the dark and makes you do what your heart commands to do… Its light is made holly by the dazzling angels’ tears, mending every broken heart and bringing back lost dreams… You were so right… It must be the full moon… But then, there were other full moons in over a year that I waited… Why now? It was so torturing not knowing… But now that I know, it doesn’t feel any better… And now as the cool evening shrinks to a dog bark outside, I can feel your sweet eyes roam… Well, don’t look now… Because I’m still lost and confused… I don’t have the slightest clue what to do…

Dear Bo…
Christmas is coming… For once, this isn’t the Christmas I’m looking forward to… Because I’m so afraid of what I would find as my present underneath the Christmas tree this year… I’m so afraid that whatever Santa brings me this year might just blow my heart to pieces… I don’t think I can handle that anymore… I know my heart has been resilient enough to endure the worst of the worst… And I’ve survived… But not this time… Not this one… I can’t afford to get hurt anymore… How can I make sure of that? And now I can see you climbing back to heaven, gazing on the earth from time to time… While you’re among the stars up there, please ask them what is the reasoning for this?

Dear Bo…
Two nights ago the moon was shinning brightly upon your grave… Did you feel it? Did you know what I was going through? Did you see there was a dark crimson river of blood from my heart? I didn’t know that happiness could also torment you like this… I guess you’re right once again… That the TRUTH about the TRUTH is that it hurts… But then I remember you telling me that you learn something or feel something completely new when you break your heart in the right way… But I don’t want to learn anything new anymore… Because the world and I are already not on speaking terms. The world keeps trying to win me back, but it hasn’t worked. I guess I’m just not the forgiving type… I don’t know why I crave for this so much… Please tell me why…

Dear Bo…
So you said I must read the signs… I did… I am… The signs are everywhere… So obvious they’re hard to miss… Yet, I know I’m only a fool… I’m a fool once more…

You Don’t See Me

I am almost giving up… almost… but not quite.

I am almost at wits end… almost… but not quite…

It is very, very clear though… Very…

It is very, very obvious… Very…

You don’t see me.

You talk to me. You hear me.

You discuss things with me.

You share your dreams with me.

You share your fears with me.

But you don’t see me.

For you…

I’m someone who knows things that you’re interested in

And someone who’s interested in things that you know

That’s all.

That’s it.

You don’t see me.

I am almost giving up… almost… but not quite.

I am almost at wits end… almost… but not quite…

Not quite…

Curhat Colongan Gara-Gara Bangun Kepagian

[this article was first published on my facebook, 19 Nov 2008, and has so far received 20 comments basically agreeing with it! hahaha...]

Aduh, bangun pagi itu menyebalkan. Paling bete kalo harus bangun pagi. Emang kenapa sih kalo kerja atau beraktivitas sebagian besar harus mulai pagi-pagi? Gak ngerti tuh gw. Emang kenapa kalo mulainya jam 11 siang aja gitu? Jadi gw bisa tidur sampe jam 9 pagi at least… at least tuh… kalo bisa sih semua kegiatan itu dimulai setelah jam tidur siang (jam tidur siang lho… bukan jam makan siang). Kan enak tuh, bisa bangun jam 11 siang, terus langsung makan siang, terus ngerokok-ngerokok sebentar, terus tidur siang. Bangun lagi jam 2 or jam 3 siang… nah, abis itu baru kerja or beraktivitas… kan lebih enak???!!!

Kata orang-orang tua (dan orang-orang tolol sih menurut gw), kalo gak bangun pagi, rejekinya dipatok ayam. Halah… ape lageeeee… Hari gini kalo rejekinya dipatok ayam, ayamnya ditangkep dong… terus dipotong dan digoreng!!! Satu dari hanya sedikiiiit banget binatang yang gw sebelin adalah ayam. So kalo dia berani-berani matok rejeki gw, waaaahhh… dengan senang hati gw kulitin idup-idup tuh ayam, terus bikin gule…

Ada juga yang bilang kalo matahari pagi itu menyegarkan dan sehat buat kita… HELLO? Seger dari mana? Gw gak pernah seger tuh bangun pagi-pagi! Ngantuuuukkkkk and maleeeesssss… And kalo dipaksa kerja dalam kondisi ngantuk dan males kayak gitu, yang ada gw jadi jutek dan kalian semua yang lagi apes karena kebetulan lagi deket ama gw pada saat itu, akan kena dijutekin parah booww… Nah, sehatnya di mana coba? Yang ada malah kena darah tinggi…

Intinya yaaah… bangun pagi itu sumpah mampus gak penting banget… alergi gw sama matahari pagi… udah ah… mo tidur lagi… yang berani bangunin, gw GARUK lo!!! ZZZZZ…

[hehehehe.. curhat colongan gara-gara bangun jam 4.30 pagi, trus jam 5 udah berangkat ke birdcage utk cover shoot majalah tamasya... trus di sana yang ada gw sama sekali gak bantu and gak guna deh... I kept zoning out and tolol abis... wakakakakaka... gila, ngantuk berat gw!]

My Two Reasons to Live [from the dysfunctional family series]

Despite all my seemingly whole-hearted efforts to save the planet, giving the impression that I am saving all of you… uhm… I must confess that I actually hadn’t always cared that much about humans. Yes you! I didn’t care about you, human beings. I hated all humans. I hated all humans, until I was given the honor to experience a human growing inside me, TWICE! I hated all humans, until I got pregnant, twice. I hated all humans, until God gave me two little humans to take care of. With no instructions, no blueprint, no manuals, no guarantee. I hated all humans until I had to improvise to raise two human beings trusted in my care.

But ever since then, for me, these are the only two people on the planet worth living for, worth fighting for and worth dedicating this planet for. These are the two people that had managed to prevent me from committing suicide when my husband died (he used to be my reason to live). These are the two people who scream and shout at each other over the most unessential things, but at the same time, laugh together because of it. These are the two people who have glued this family together and kept me sane (most of the time).

These are my two reasons to live…

The first one was born in the middle of a snowstorm in Salt Lake City, Utah, U.S.A., 19 years ago. It had been snowing three days in a row, non-stop. But snow somehow has been given a “role” by Mother Earth as a phenomenon of nature that has the power of speech or music. It has the ability to give a heart an immediate change of mood. And so while everything was melodiously white, Cassandra was born. Cassandra Niki Sucahyo.

The second one was born down-under, in the land of the long white cloud, Aotearoa. You may know it as New Zealand. 15 years ago, in a tiny village of Timaru in the South Island of New Zealand, spring had just begun. The season of hope. And in this season of hope, the season that marks the beginning of new lives, new hopes and new dreams, a new human life was also beginning. We named her Sky. Sky Dwi-Drupadi Sucahyo.

To them, I owe this life. Because as I spend all these years improvising and trying my best to teach them all about life, as it turns out… most of time… it is THEM teaching me what life is all about…

So here they are… presenting… my two reasons to live… Cassey & Sky…



[Uhm… well… they haven’t quite turned out as sophisticated and lady-like as I had planned… but hey… they’re not perfect!!! Hahaha… I know you hate me for posting this video, girls… But I think we might as well admit that we’re a dysfunctional family, right? Luv ya!]

Distracted

yeah.. i know.. it's been quite a while since i last blogged.. don't know why, i haven't felt like writing.. words were swimming in my head, but i had no desire to write them..

... obama victory moment came and went.. i was inspired.. wanted to write about that but didn't..

... the stupid pornography law was finally approved and put into effect.. i was fuming.. wanted to write about that but didn't..

... amrozi and his bali bomber friends were finally dead.. i was happy.. wanted to write about that but didn't..

.. i successfully beat microsoft, found the SATA driver, recreated a bootable windows xp installation CD with SATA driver on it, then killed the slow and resource-hungry windows vista and replaced it with a pirated copy of windows xp again.. i was triumphant as i would allow no one to tell me what i can or cannot do on my computer, including microsoft.. wanted to write about that but didn't..

it's like the shadows of this life matter not anymore.. i've been distracted.. totally out of focus.. while trying to unite a natural or personal affection to ‘reason and reflection’, i've been distracted.. while trying to create a stable, satisfying feminine position that inextricably connected wishes and reality, i've been totally out of focus..

so moments of this life came and went.. i was inspired, fuming, happy, triumphant.. at times i was also sad, uncertain, frustrated and suicidal.. yet i didn't write any of it.. instead, i've spent most of my time lately quietly waiting for the promised enriching twist that you'd supposedly get when you pray.. quietly waiting for the predicted transformation.. quietly waiting for those magic words along with a few others, even if they are spoken so softly as if they are almost fading out from one’s voice.. i would've heard them anyway.. yet silence falls.. as always..

i still remain devoted and unchanged to upholding the sanctity of the dreams.. there were moments when i almost let thoughts slipped out of my lips.. yet i successfully remain silent.. words.. unspoken.. unwritten.. just silence.. quietly waiting.. i was hoping today would be different.. i was hoping today would be the end and the beginning.. but guess not.. so here i am, still distracted and still waiting in silence.. are you confused? so am i..

nah gw aja bingung, gimana elo ya??? viva obama!!! lho?

Balada Topeng Monyet

Pertanyaan ini selalu dan sangat mengganggu gw: KENAPA SIH MANUSIA SENENG BANGET NYIKSA BINATANG FOR OUR OWN ENTERTAINMENT???

Di jalan otw ke PIM hari ini, again, gw ngeliat seekor monyet di pinggir jalan. Berkemeja warna kelabu, tanpa celana, sedang naik sepeda mungil yang dibuatkan khusus untuknya. Di lehernya, seutas rantai membelit dan ujung rantai tersebut dipegang erat oleh seorang manusia yang duduk santai sambil memainkan musik asal-asalan berbekal sebuah rebana. Anak-anak kecil pun mengerubung. Senyum ceria dan tawa geli menghiasi wajah-wajah lugu mereka setiap kali si monyet menari-nari atau dengan terampil bolak-balik naik sepeda. Tapi gw… gw pengen nangis… gw pengen teriak… gw pengen ikat itu manusia dengan rantai dan membuat dia menari-nari sambil naik sepeda! See whether he likes it…

Ah… Lingkaran setan yang tidak juga terputus. Begitu jelas bahwa kemajuan teknologi, gaya hidup modern dan beragam kecanggihan yang telah kita capai, sama sekali tidak berdampak pada pola pikir dan cara pandang. Dan anak-anak kecil itu, generasi penerus kita, kembali kita ajarkan hal yang itu-itu juga. Tidak ada yang berubah. Pendidikan kita tidak menyentuh hati nurani dan budi pekerti. Pelajaran agama di sekolah hanya sebatas menghapal dan menunaikan sejumlah ritual. Tak ada artinya. Manusia tetap saja tidak mampu melihat binatang dan tumbuhan lebih dari sekedar sumber daya alam yang bisa dimanfaatkan.

Tidakkah cukup bahwa habitat mereka makin hari makin berkurang untuk kepentingan kita? Untuk perumahan, untuk lahan pertanian dan perkebunan, untuk infrastruktur, untuk industri, untuk pembangunan. Mereka harus mengalah terus. Dan pada saat mereka turun ke desa-desa dan bahkan kota-kota untuk mencari makan di “habitat” kita, dan bahkan kadang juga memakan kita, karena sumber makanan mereka yang makin sedikit di habitat yang makin sempit… kita malah menyalahkan mereka, memburu dan membunuh mereka dengan penuh dendam. Mana hati nurani itu? Mana budi pekerti itu? Apakah semua ajaran itu hanya ditujukan untuk sesama manusia saja? Bukankah semua kitab suci dan berbagai kearifan masa lalu justru mengajarkan kita untuk menghormati dan mencintai segenap makhluk hidup di semesta alam ini? Itu berarti termasuk binatang dan tumbuhan, baik di daratan maupun di lautan!

Dan ini yang paling penting untuk diingat: MEREKA BUKAN SUMBER HIBURAN! Bahkan kalaupun beberapa spesies (gw tekankan: BEBERAPA, bukan SEMUA), mereka harus dimanfaatkan secara berkelanjutan untuk kesejahteraan semua makhluk hidup, bukan semata untuk kesejahteraan kita, apalagi untuk kesenangan belaka. Karena semua makhluk hidup yang ada di planet ini adalah amanah. Bagi yang mengaku beragama, pasti tahu hal ini, tapi tidak pernah peduli. Kesejahteraan dan kelestarian mereka adalah tanggung-jawab kita sebagai penjaga planet ini... the stewards of the Earth... That's who we're supposed to be!

Bangsa ini… entah bagaimana menyadarkannya… Bukan hanya topeng monyet yang kita nikmati di negara ini sebagai pelipur lara dan pengundang tawa sementara. Kita punya begitu banyak kebiasaan, tradisi, adat dan bahkan ritual-ritual yang dihubungkan dengan agama-agama tertentu, yang menggunakan binatang-binatang tak berdaya ini sebagai “alatnya”. Sebut saja lomba karapan sapi di Madura, persembahan penyu hijau yang dikaitkan dengan ritual agama Hindu Bali, sabung ayam di berbagai tempat di pulau Jawa dan Sumatera, sampai sabung ikan cupang yang sering dimainkan anak-anak SD di seantero Nusantara. Masyarakat Manado bahkan dengan bangga menyatakan diri sebagai “pemakan segala”… dari mulai tikus putih, kelelawar, anjing, kucing, hingga ular berbisa. Pasar-pasar yang menjual beragam daging binatang di Manado kini sering disebut-sebut sebagai salah satu atraksi wisata di sana. Mana hati nurani? Mana budi pekerti? Mana manusia sejati?

Tidak ada.

Sampai pegel kepala gw nengok kesana kemari, GAK ADA.

Tidak lagi bisa ditemui spesies “unggulan” yang bernama manusia. Spesies yang telah diciptakan Tuhan begitu sempurna, telah menyia-nyiakan kesempurnaan itu dengan suksesnya. Akal yang cemerlang dan hati yang suci tidak pernah lagi digunakan secara berbarengan. Gak sinkron! Gak connect! Masing-masing digunakan sendiri-sendiri sehingga tidak pernah menghasilkan kearifan dan kemuliaan abadi yang direncanakan Tuhan untuk manusia. Yang lebih parah lagi, belakangan ini, manusia bahkan sering tidak menggunakan hatinya. Mereka hanya menggunakan akal semata, untuk keinginan dan kepentingan pribadi atau kelompoknya.

Dan binatang, tumbuhan, alam, harus mengalah... lagi...

Tapi mengalah bukan berarti kalah. Alam kini sedang menyusun strategi. Pembalasan alam sudah mulai berdatangan satu per satu. Tsunami, longsor, banjir, climate change, global warming, anak kecil tewas dimakan Komodo, petani Sumatera mati mengenaskan atau luka-luka parah diserang harimau, dan masih banyak lagi. Ini belum seberapa. Alam baru ngomel-ngomel aja nih... belum benar-benar balas dendam...

Percayalah... suatu hari nanti... kita pun akan punah, sama seperti dinosaurus. Bukan karena hal ini sudah tertulis di kitab-kitab suci... melainkan karena keserakahan, kebodohan, ketidak-pedulian kita sendiri... Kiamat adalah hasil karya kita. Bukan hasil karya Tuhan. When nature fights back, when nature declares war on us... trust me... you'd be wishing that you're dead already... Kiamat only applies to us, guys! Coz when we're all gone, the planet WILL live on.

Dan gw yakin, pada saat itu, gantian segenap flora dan fauna akan mentertawakan kita, menjadikan kita sebagai sumber hiburannya!

God help us and have mercy on our lost souls…

Absurdity

I haven’t become a stranger to myself. This is me all over again. Back where I started. And as always, there’s that question again, “How the hell did I get here?” And of course an answer comes from within, an answer I’m trying to ignore but can’t, “Oh ya… I remember… No wonder.” Even thoughts of you in distant places can’t distract the lunacy. Not even the constant image of you in my mind every time I open my eyes (and close my eyes) can divert the madness. Not even the glows inside me every time I think of you can entertain the insanity of the situation. Don’t get me wrong, I do long to see you again. It’s just that I’m sort of out of focus, out of faith, out of my mind. I don’t know how to solve this problem. Oh well, I guess endless days with no escape are just empty spaces that will be filled again with gladness. Soon. Must believe that, right?

I have invested a lot towards these unrequited dreams. It’s totally mental of me if you think about it. I got here because of you. My sixth sense has warned me again and again about you. Do I listen? No. Of course not. Instead, I invest at least fifteen minutes of my time every day to strategize and start a fresh attempt. Then I invest at least three to four times a day (sometimes more), fifteen minutes each time, to fantasize about what would happen if I succeed. What would you say? How would you say it? How would I respond? What would I say? What would we do next? Absurd.

Where the hell are the angels? I thought angels are beings who invest in your plan and take a small share called “peace on earth”. I’m now connected and wired. I’m on the radar. I’ve made sure of it, technologically and spiritually. What’s missing? Nothing. I’ve left every door open to let you in. Maybe the angels have retired? But even retired persons are wired these days. Maybe they’re just too lazy to stay online and check their Goddamn emails. Those are prayers, you idiots! Read them and grant them for once!

There’s this cool picture I found on a friend’s blog in the internet that reads “Dear heart, I met a boy today. Prepare to shatter.” Yeah, it’s so true. I should’ve said that too when I met you. I should've negotiated with my heart instead of talking to the stupid angels. So here it goes. Hope it's not too late.

Dear heart, I met a boy. Not today, but a while ago. Well, he's not actually a boy. He's a man, but men are just boys. They're only taller, right? Anyway, I’m too stupid right now to quit dreaming. So prepare to shatter. Oh ya… you HAVE shattered. Slowly and painfully. Sorry. Oh by the way, prepare to do more stupid things in the future because of it! Yes, I do realize the damages have been ridiculous, but I’m not done yet.

I haven’t become a stranger to myself after all. It’s still me. These sacrifices had better be worth it!

Bali, the way I remembered it…

[Bali, 17 - 19 October 2008]

For the past 8 years, my professional life in an event organizer, then in a media, then in conservation organizations has brought me to the Island of the Gods, Bali, over and over again. So much so that I usually had to forcefully resist the urge to puke every time I got an assignment in Bali – an event, a media coverage, a seminar, a survey, a workshop, a field visit, a meeting – whatever. Bali was no longer fun. Bali spelled work, in huge fonts and bold capitals – W.O.R.K.

Then a couple weekends ago, after 8 years, I finally… FINALLY… got to enjoy Bali the way I used to remember it.

It started out when a friend of mine told me that she was going to Bali to take a dive-refresher course. She was going for a week with friends from her college-years in San Francisco. So it was a reunion trip, as well as a dive trip. But because I couldn’t take the whole week off from work, I promised to join them in the weekend. So on Friday, 17 October 2008, at nearly 9 PM, I flew to Bali… again… But this time, I didn’t bring my laptop, I didn’t bring communication materials, I didn’t bring rundown sheets, I didn’t bring a tape recorder… basically, other than my blackberry, I didn’t bring any work at all!!! My God, that felt so good… If I could leave my brain at home, I probably would’ve done that too!

It was almost midnight when I arrived at Ngurah Rai International Airport. Following directions from my friend, I took a taxi to our rented villa in Seminyak. Located in the southern coast of Bali, Seminyak is the trendiest and most fashionable area in this island. I was heading to Villa Amertha, a tiny complex consisting four private 2-bedroom villas. Situated on Jl. Petitenget No. 30, Villa Amertha was apparently pretty new as the taxi driver was not familiar with the name or how to get there.

It took a while for us to finally find the small road off the main street that lead to the villa. But for once, I didn’t mind getting lost in Bali in the middle of the night. I was so relaxed I didn’t even care if the driver was only pretending not to know the way. As the wonderfully sweet fragrance of Balinese incense on the dashboard of the taxi delicately filled the air that I breathed, enchanting vibrations that I have long forgotten came rushing back. This mythical island is rich with enthralling beauty and charming rituals, as well as sprawling night clubs, distinctive shops and themed resorts. It is a mixture of the old and the new. This is what visiting Bali is all about. Bali is not for work. It’s for play. I was carefree. I was in Bali!

My friend, Uga, wasn’t there when I got to the villa. She was out at a nearby club but said she would come straight to get me. Again, I didn’t mind. As I waited for her in the reception area, a faint yet captivating sound of gamelan played from somewhere. Not sure from where, but it was definitely calming. Gone all the battles in my head, all the conservation worries, all the worldly anxiety. I was in extraordinary peace.

Ten minutes later, Uga showed up on a motorbike. She let me into the villa, which turned out to be very pleasant indeed! It had two spacious bedrooms, each with its own semi-open-air bathroom and walking closet. A medium-sized swimming pool adorned the small yard, adjacent to the open-air kitchen and living area. Very cute and very homey. But no time to be too comfortable. I was in Bali. I mustn’t be spending too much time in the villa, but out and about. So I quickly freshened up and then joined Uga to the club, where we danced the night away to the exceptional mixture of psychedelics, jazz and funk (* to Ridwan and Gerhan – sorry guys if I got it wrong * :-p). The two featuring young DJs, Ridwan and Gerhan, who later became my friends (as they were also staying with us at the villa), were so gifted with their music. It’s nothing like the typical progressive-house music they usually played in clubs here. Ridwan’s and Gerhan’s music was fresh and so addictive. It was hard not to dance to their beat. This is Bali the way I used to remember it!

The next day, we started out a lazy morning lazing around the lazy swimming pool. Then at around 10.30-ish, Uga and Erlene asked me to drive them (since none of them knew how drive the rented stick-shift car) to Denpasar to buy the famously delicious Balinese pork sausages. They assumed I knew my way around since I had lived in Bali for a year. They couldn’t be more wrong! Hahaha! I had to make several phone calls to Pak Made, my office driver when I worked here, before I finally figured out how to get there. By the time we got back to the villa, it was well after 1.30 in the afternoon. Everyone was waiting for us to go to lunch. Ooops! Sorry guys…

We had lunch at Made’s Warung. This place is well-known as THE eating place (and sometimes hangout place) of Jakartans. If you’re from Jakarta, it would be very likely to find and meet other friends from Jakarta in this place. We didn’t meet anyone that day though. The chic restaurant was quite empty, maybe because lunch time was over. But we didn’t mind. In fact, we were glad that the place wasn’t so crowded. Our group was already big enough to crowd the place. There were eleven of us on a long wooden table, enjoying Nasi Goreng Made and Nasi Campur. The food was excellent. The drinks were cold and refreshing. The friendship and laughter were outstanding! This is Bali the way I used to remember it.

Next on our unofficial agenda were beach-lazying and a bit of swimming on Padang-Padang Beach in Jimbaran. This particular beach is actually more popular among surfers. But the secluded white sandy bay, enclosed by magnificent cliffs, is also ideal for swimmers and sunbathers. And that was exactly what we did. We swam and sunbathed. Well, I swam, but I didn’t sunbathe. God knows I’m not that crazy about the sun. I don’t like looking too tanned. Besides, I was born tanned for Heaven’s sake! I don’t need to be darker than I already am. Most bule would say that tanned women are exotic. But to me, the darker they are, the more they look like they need a serious full-body scrub, with lots of soap and shampoo! Sorry if I offended anyone…

On the way back to the villa, we had “nasi pedas” (spicy rice) at a small rice stall in Tuban. Some people also call it “nasi setan” (the devil’s rice). You can guess why it got that name. Yes, the rice comes with chili sauce that is sooo damn hot and spicy. But to me, it is the unspeakable and notorious spiciness that actually boosts my appetite. Yummy! Then after the spicy dinner, we had to go back to the villa and pack, because the next day we had to fly home. So the day ended… But memories linger…

On Sunday, not much to do anymore before we went to the airport to catch our flight, so I went with Rani, Icha and her husband Ridwan to have a quick breakfast at Bali Deli, not far from the villa (in the middle of breakfast, Icha suddenly got a bad stomachache and had to do the “number 2”… so I quickly drove her back to the villa and dropped her off to do her business). Uga and Erlene decided to do some more last-minute shopping. The “unlikely-yet-very-cute” couple, Gerhan and Anti, were still asleep. Gerhan, Anti and Rani would not go back to Jakarta with us. They were extending their stay for a couple more days. Lucky bastards! Hahaha!

Bali… It’s sure good to get to know you again. Bali is definitely THE place to relax and have fun (and go wild if you wish). As it turns out… the island of the Gods is still my favorite… It may not be as spectacular and jaw-dropping as Komodo Island in Flores or the Islands of Raja Ampat in Papua, but its charm, culture, lifestyle and endless fun are… so far… unparalleled by any other island in this country. Glad I came out here this weekend… Glad I was in Bali not for work, but for fun… ‘cause this is Bali the way I used to remember it.

Uga, Erlene, Rani, Icha, DJ Ridwan, DJ Gerhan, Anti and Sisi… Hope to see you guys again and go wild in Bali!!!

For now, the trip ended... but memories linger... And I'm back in HELL-IALITY. Shit.

More than I should

More than it should, the silence of my nights holds tender memories about you. More than they should, dark cloudless skies constantly remind me of you. More than they should, quite thoughts bring your smiles to every corner of the walls in my room. And more than I should, I find myself wishing for the velvety moon to tap on your door and letting you know that I like you, more than I should…

More than they should, the cool shades of dawn start my every day with renewed hopes. More than it should, every conversation with you, no matter how trivial, sounds like a love song. More than it should, the jingle of your laughter brings sweet dreams on green meadows. More than it should, each heartbeat seems to take forever. And more than I should, more than ever lately, I have to admit that I like you, more than I should…

More than it should, my mind violently refuses to understand where I stand, that this isn’t what I’ve planned. More than it should, every cell of my existence stubbornly finds its own reason to justify what I feel, explaining that you’re the only one who gets it and so you must be the healing blue ocean and the eagle of the sky. More than it should, my soul gets more and more restless, rejecting to endure much longer and letting you simply reside wordlessly inside. More than it should, my heart keeps failing to recognize that this feeling could possibly jeopardize the very comfort of not having more than I should…

Yeah, it’s just me, wanting what I can’t have. Typical.

purnama

purnama
kamu ada di sini
dalam hati yang bergayut lirih
di dahan kehidupan
aku ingin rebah di sana
dalam balutan cahaya
dan minta kabulkan doa

purnama
lelah menanti dalam gelisah
pelukan waktu yang tak juga
membuka tirainya
izinkan aku masuk
dalam pelukanmu
agar malam tak lagi datang

purnama
tolong cerita ada apa di balik sana
di balik setiap tanda
yang kerap muncul begitu saja
meski terus kucoba berpaling
namun hati tetap mengikuti
bagai terpikat pesona mantra
ada apa?

purnama
rembulan cantik mahkota langit
lindungi aku dari kecewa
hadirkan mimpiku
dalam nyata hari-hariku
agar tak henti ikut denyut nadi
perkaya segenap jiwa

purnamaku... kamu...
saat mentari menjelang...

[full moon October 13th, 2008]

PRAYER ON A CLOUDY DAY

Today, the usually optimistic sunrise is hidden behind hopeless clouds. Only morning dews groan aghast. I wish to go back to sleep under blankets of dreams, so I don’t have to face the thunder of truth in my heart.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Today, as the daughter of earth and ocean, I want to bask in Heaven’s blue smile. I want to see the light of the angels’ golden wings and be given what my heart desires to get.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.

I change but I cannot die. Like a child from the womb and the ghost from the tomb, I am only here, still hoping to dance about the sun once again…

Bapa kami yang di surga, aku mencintai-MU.
Semua kutukan nenek moyangku, papa mamaku,
keluargaku, pasanganku, mereka yang sudah meninggal dunia
dan bahkan juga aku sendiri, aku patahkan dalam KUASAMU.
Sakit penyakit dalam tubuhku dan keluargaku
telah ENGKAU sembuhkan.
Berkatilah aku, pasangan hidupku, anak-anakku,
semua keluargaku, rumahku, pekerjaanku serta teman-temanku.
Jadikanlah kami kepanjangan hati dan tangan-MU.
Dalam nama TUHAN YESUS kami berdoa.
AMIN.

Winter, Skiing & Just Me

Grey sky and purpled lights on canyon streets. Enchanted little towns all draped in white. God, I miss the days when the whirls of snow enlivened me with joy. I miss those snowy mountains where even spirits walk ever so slowly, swept by cold. I miss the feeling of my foot sinking deep in virgin snow, one by one, leaving intriguing footprints. I miss the days when winter meant body in motion on a downhill dare… SKIING!!! I miss the sensual feeling of icy winds rushing all around me, surrounded by beautiful landscape, whispers of snow and the occasional glimmer of dancing sunlight as it kissed the clouds. It’s like being free of the restraints that bind me to the earth. God, I miss winter… I miss skiing… I miss being me, just me…

Instead, here I am, trapped in tropical heat. Not only that, I’m trapped in a country where the new are born to destroy the old. A nation where dreams are easily broken. A place where respect must be automatically given to older people and people with certain statuses in life. A place where religion is not a choice but must be inherited from fathers to sons, from mothers to daughters, from families to families. I have no more empathy for my own people. I have no more respect for the culture, the religions, the norms and all the shit they made me grow up with. I know that’s bad. But who are all these people anyway? They flow in the veins of every city, every town, every village and every kampung to lie and to steal. And they don’t only steal money. They steal pride and dignity. They steal love and lust. They steal spirits and freedom. And they do it while hiding like butterflies among fluttering leaves. They’re all like that. That’s why I wish we could have winter here… coz when all the leaves dry out and fall to the ground, they would no longer have a place to hide… And they would die on the snow and I would freely ski on them! God, I miss winter… I miss skiing… I miss being me, just me…

It’s almost October and winter is fast approaching the northern hemisphere. It’s almost ski season again. But I’m here where people only know one season… THE HOT SEASON. You may think we have two seasons in the tropics – dry season and rainy season – but you’re wrong. You see, when it’s dry, it’s hot. When it’s wet, it’s hot. So we only have one season: THE HOT SEASON. No flowery springs, no wild summers, no romantic autumns and no soothing winter. No winter. No ice sheets. No snow flakes whirling fantastically in misty air. No winter. And so here I am. I’m the one who goes late in the streets and thinks of murder. I’d like to murder all those people who destroyed every single thing I believed in. I’m the one who lies staring and thinks of death. Maybe death is the only way out. I’m the one who has suffered, clenches her hands despairing, holds her breath and thinks the air is fire. In this room, silently, I miss winter… I miss skiing… I miss being me, just me…

IT'S A MUST!

unfortunately
my heart wasn't made of stone
unfortunately
it's so fragile and easily broken

a year has burned out red and gold
but the colors bled into my world and died
leaving a space
between believing and not believing
between faith and death
between existence and emptiness
not quite here
not quite there
not quite anywhere

unfortunately
it's just a space
a very uncomfortable space

unfortunately
i'm quite stubborn
so i'm insisting
and i'm pressing on
bleeding to death
but still pressing on

because i believe
it's a MUST!

off to college she goes...

So… she’s off to college. My oldest daughter, Cassey. Insisting she would NOT go to college anywhere near her nagging mother, here she is now… in the culturally intense, historically significant, yet pretty much sleepy small town of Jogjakarta.

A huge change for an “I’m-always-trendy”, “I-refuse-to-look-ugly”, “I-must-be-popular”, typical big city girl like her. A transformation that will need a bit of revolution. Not only because she’s away from me and the rest of her family, she’s also away from her boyfriend who is now starting college in Bandung, away from ALL of her dearest friends who mostly are starting college in Jakarta and Bandung, AND away from all the little conveniences that she’s used to… such as maids, driver, highly sophisticated malls, fashionable hangout places, cool concerts and other hip events.

Here in Jogja, she only has a tiny studio-like space she must now call “home” and a sport bicycle as her means of transportation. Her hangout places from now on will be those small coffee and rice stalls or warung. There’re only a couple of really good clubs in town and they’re quite far from where she lives. There are plenty of malls, but none that matches the style and class of those in the capital city. But… I guess these extraordinary challenges ahead are very much appropriate to test her strength and her will, especially because she is now… a philosophy student. Yes, out of all the trendy available choices, she chose to study the mother of all knowledge, the root of all comprehension, the origin of all understanding… Philosophy.

Now… let’s see how the young philosopher-wanna-be did in her first week in Jogjakarta…

I had to come with her. Of course. It’s useless telling her that when I went to college in the States, which was lot farther then Jogjakarta, I went alone without mom, dad or anyone… Nope, no point telling her that, because in those final days in Jakarta, she was already panicking. What to bring, what not to bring, what to buy in Jakarta, what could wait ‘til she arrived in Jogja, whether to call her boyfriend, whether not to call her boyfriend, whether this and that. It was hell. She was excited and nervous at the same time. She was crying and laughing at the same time. She was hell. And I couldn’t blame her…

We arrived in Jogja early in a Friday morning. After seeing the studio she rented, I was quite relieved. It’s clean, well-maintained, close to various food stalls, close to Jogjakarta’s newest mall and most importantly, close to her campus, which only 300 meter away. It already came with a clean bathroom, a nice spring bed, clothes drawers and a big TV stand with lots of storage spaces. Now, my task was how to make her feel at home enough so she wouldn’t ask me to send her a ticket home every few weeks. So we shopped.

The first three days in Jogja, we shopped and shopped and shopped. Money ran through my fingers like water. A flat-screen 21” TV, a small fridge, a stylish study table, a hanging book rack, cable TV connection, internet connection and a whole bunch of other stuff. I must admit, I was probably going over the top (and definitely way over budget) in the desperate attempt to minimize the difference between being here and being back in Jakarta. So I spoiled her a bit. So what? I have the right to be a mushy touchy feely mom too sometimes…

Then came the first test for the young philosopher. Cleaning her bathroom. Something she never had to do, EVER, in her 18.5 years of life.

Yes, she had responsibilities at home too. Ever since she was old enough to walk, I already taught her to tidy up her own room, her own toys, her own books, etcetera. As she grew older she even had to help me out in the kitchen. That was since she was around 6 years old. But cleaning the bathroom? No, I never made her do that, since I don’t even like doing it myself. As it turned out though, she did alright (it means she didn’t vomit). I was quite proud and relieved. At least now I’m rest assured that the place wouldn’t look like a total muddle of shit next time I visit her.

The second test was the bicycle. I didn’t buy her a car, God knows I can’t afford it. I didn’t buy her a motorbike, God knows I could never trust her with it. So I got her a bicycle. Cheap, healthy and environmentally-friendly. The question is: can she handle the traffic on it?

She knows how to ride a bike of course. She’s done it since she was four. But so far, she only rode her bike around our safe and protected housing complex. She never had to face horrible traffic on it. And now, to get to campus, she must ride along the famous “Selokan Mataram” for a couple hundred meters, then make a U-turn on one of Jogja’s busiest streets, “Jl. Gejayan”, then continue on a little bit more on a reasonably-wide-but-sometimes-busy campus street before she’d arrive right at the doorstep of her faculty. Can she handle it?

She was mighty nervous. I casually said, “It’s not that bad, Cas. Jl. Gejayan is busy, but it’s nothing compared to any street in Jakarta. And it’s only a 300 meter ride. It’s short and easy! No big deal!” But actually, I WAS TERRIFIED BEYOND WORDS!!! So one morning before I was scheduled to leave, I MADE HER PRACTICE. She was on her bike and I accompanied her all the way on another bike, a bike that belongs to another girl in the complex. Mind you, this is a girl that I didn’t know, a girl that she didn’t know, but we woke her up that morning anyway JUST to borrow her bike. Pretty smooth, Mom! It shows that you’re not nervous at all! Right.

Thankfully, she survived that practice. Oh forget her, thankfully I SURVIVED THAT PRACTICE. She just didn’t know that the last time I rode a bike in heavy traffic like that was in high school!!! I was nervous seeing the traffic just as much as she did and started wondering whether buying her a bike was a HUGE mistake. But… WE SURVIVED. And now, she loves the bike. Phew! Thank God! I can breathe now…

Then it was time to leave her. This is it. This isn’t a weekend camping trip or a summer getaway anymore. This is a trip to the rest of her life. This is a trip to adulthood. This is the mean real world and I’m leaving her in it. This is a trip to forever. Next time she comes back home, I know it’s never gonna be “home” to her ever again. She’s on her own, she’s all grown up.

Finally… I have to admit that as it turns out… it’s sooo… BLOODY HARD… to let a kid grow up and leave home… leave me... Finally, I know what my parents must’ve felt when I left them at the age of 18 to the United States! I’m breaking apart just letting Cassey go to Jogja, which is less than an-hour flight from Jakarta. Imagine having her leave me to another country! Well, I know… I know that time will come too. But until then, I just hope she’s alright. I hope she’s having heaps of fun. And I hope she’s making something useful with her life, because from now on… her life is totally hers.

Good luck, Cas. Be a philosopher. Be anything, as long as you’re happy. Take care. I love you.