Life, Love and Me

we need to die

2009-11-06T01:32:00.004+07:00

"in order for our lives to have meaning, we need to die." - Todd May

that short sentence in NY Times, dated September 2, 2009, caught my eyes. death is always something that i'm continuously wondering about. i don't really know whether i'm scared of death or not. well, sometimes i am, sometimes i feel like i wanna die NOW. but one thing for sure, i'm always wondering how i'll die. the "how" makes it scary. will it hurt? will it be creepy? i certainly don't want a long and painful process to die. just shoot me in the head and kill me instantly. but what is "instant"? how long is "instant"? a few seconds? and in those few seconds, will it hurt? will it be creepy?

anyway, that short sentence and the following little article that i found are just so great! the article gives me a new perspective about death. and also life. i'd like you to read it, if you don't mind. it's called "happy ending" by Todd May, a professor of philosophy at Clemson University. he has also written 10 books so far, including "The Philosophy of Foucault" and "Death". here's his article. happy reading.

*****************

In the spring of 2004 I took a flight from my home near Greenville, S.C., to New York to visit my dying step-grandmother. We had been close, and it would be one of the last times I would get to see her. As the flight was about to land, it abruptly ascended and headed toward the Empire State Building. The passengers on the plane became quiet; the aura of 9/11 was hanging in the air.
We flew over the Empire State Building (but too close to the antenna for my comfort) and circled back to La Guardia. As it turned out, a small commuter plane had decided to land without taking account of our aircraft, so the pilot had had to make a quick move. But in those moments when it seemed I was aboard another human missile, I revisited my life. I realized, almost to my surprise, that I would not have traded it in for another life. There had been disappointments, to be sure, but my life appeared to me to have been a meaningful one, a life I did not regret. This is not to say that I was not nearly paralyzed with fear. I was. At the same time, strangely, my life appeared to me as worth having lived.

There are two lessons here. The first, and most obvious one, is that death is terrifying. Here in the United States, we have the technology to defer death, so we often pretend it will never really happen to us. There is always another procedure, always a cure in sight if not in hand. But in our sober moments we recognize that we will indeed die, and that we have precious little control over when it will happen.
The harm of death goes to the heart of who we are as human beings. We are, in essence, forward-looking creatures. We create our lives prospectively. We build relationships, careers, and projects that are not solely of the moment but that have a future in our vision of them. One of the reasons Eastern philosophies have developed techniques to train us to be in the moment is that that is not our natural state. We are pulled toward the future, and see the meaning of what we do now in its light.
Death extinguishes that light. And because we know that we will die, and yet we don’t know when, the darkness that is ultimately ahead of each of us is with us at every moment. There is, we might say, a tunnel at the end of this light. And since we are creatures of the future, the darkness of death offends us in our very being. We may come to terms with it when we grow old, but unless our lives have become a burden to us coming to terms is the best we can hope for.
The second, less obvious lesson of this moment of facing death is that in order for our lives to have a shape, in order that they not become formless, we need to die. This will strike some as counterintuitive, even a little ridiculous. But in order to recognize its truth, we should reflect a bit on what immortality might mean.
Immortality lasts a long time. It is not for nothing that in his story “The Immortal” Jorge Luis Borges pictures the immortal characters as unconcerned with their lives or their surroundings. Once you’ve followed your passion — playing the saxophone, loving men or women, traveling, writing poetry — for, say, 10,000 years, it will likely begin to lose its grip. There may be more to say or to do than anyone can ever accomplish. But each of us develops particular interests, engages in particular pursuits. When we have been at them long enough, we are likely to find ourselves just filling time. In the case of immortality, an inexhaustible period of time.
And when there is always time for everything, there is no urgency for anything. It may well be that life is not long enough. But it is equally true that a life without limits would lose the beauty of its moments. It would become boring, but more deeply it would become shapeless. Just one damn thing after another.
This is the paradox death imposes upon us: it grants us the possibility of a meaningful life even as it takes it away. It gives us the promise of each moment, even as it threatens to steal that moment, or at least reminds us that some time our moments will be gone. It allows each moment to insist upon itself, because there are only a limited number of them. And none of us knows how many.
I prefer to think that the paradox of death is the source not of despair but instead of the limited hope that is allotted to us as human beings. We cannot live forever, to be sure, but neither would we want to. We ought not to mind the fact that we will die, although we really would rather that it not be today. Probably not tomorrow either. But it is precisely because we cannot control when we will die, and know only that we will, that we can look upon our lives with the seriousness they merit. Death takes away from us no more than it has conferred: lives whose significance lies in the fact they are not always with us.
Our happiness lies in being able to inhabit that fact.

Family Trip

2009-11-04T23:50:00.021+07:00

All of my crazy workload since last month is over. Being a writer is hard sometimes, especially when you have nothing to write about other than heartaches and prayers to get over the heartaches and curses when the pain remains. But after forcing myself to press on, I’ve finally managed to complete everything. I’m now just waiting for revision requests, which usually aren’t as bad as having to write something new from scratch.

So… it’s time to blog again.

I’ve wanted to tell you all about my trip to Bali for Idul Fitri holiday last September. But this is the hard part. It was a family trip. And family trips, for me, are rarely enjoyable. No, I didn’t mean trips with my two daughters. I can handle them just fine. I meant trips with my entire big family. Now, that’s a headache.

There are many reasons why I don’t really enjoy family trips, but these are the two major ones:

1. I don’t share their “definition” of fun.

They like popular touristy places, shopping and eating in fancy restaurants. While for me, I’d rather stay away from popular places. A quiet and empty isolated beach is a thousand times better than these places. And of course, I’d rather do outdoorsy or adventurous stuff instead of shopping. For food, I’d prefer cheap but authentic dishes that allow me to mingle with local people and make me feel a part of everyday lives in that location.

2. I have to become a kid again.

Don’t get me wrong. I love an opportunity to become an irresponsible kid again, once in a while. But certainly not for the whole week! Going with my parents (or any older relative for that matter) means they get to boss me around and tell me what to do. The nicest thing about this is that they also pay for everything of course. But… after the first couple of days of having my room door banged at 7AM, being told to hurry and have breakfast, getting ushered here and there, being told where to go or what to do, having to tag along and simply agreeing with their “holiday master plan”, I got sick of it. I’m 40 for Heaven’s sake. I’d have breakfast when I feel like it, alright?! And I’d go wherever I want, whenever I want, with whom ever I want. Don’t wait up, coz I might decide to shack up with a guy I just met and not come home at all. However, this isn’t possible whenever I go on one of these family trips. They make rules. I follow.

So I improvise to make things a little bit “bearable”.

BB and Amusing Ads

First and foremost, I’d like to thank BlackBerry. It was so easy to pretend that I was busy on some business matters by seriously staring and typing into my BB. While in fact, I was busy Facebook-ing and Tweeting and chatting with friends on BB Messenger. I also had Yahoo Messenger installed, so I could also chat with friends who don’t own a BB. Wonderful BB. I don’t know what I’d do without it. BlackBerry, you saved my life!

Then I would find funny things to simply gossip and laugh about. A bit cruel, I know, but hey… it helped. So, excuse me for being mean, I was also miserable, okay?! People with weird sense of fashion or bizarre hair-dos were easy targets.

Sometimes I’d also find ads on store windows or stickers on public transportations or posters on the walls that amused or entertained me. I found this ad for Fortune Magazine on a bookstore window at Jakarta International Airport while we were waiting to board our plane to Bali. The headline was so catchy, “Is Pot Already Legal?” Wow! Is it? Then a brief explanation was offered underneath the headline. “Medical marijuana is doing more than changing the way the drug is perceived. It’s giving activists a chance to show how a legitimized pot business could work.”

Obviously, it’s a foreign magazine. At this point, I wouldn’t even dream of having marijuana legalized in Indonesia. It was hard enough to explain to people that porn is merely a choice. Sane and educated people would not abuse such choice. Therefore, a solution to porn would be to educate our people so they can make sane and well-informed choices. So legalizing weed is still a long way to go in this country, if ever. Anyway, I didn’t buy the magazine, but it was surely amusing enough to find this ad. It made my day. I wasn’t so grumpy anymore when I boarded the plane that flew us to Bali.

Morning Ritual

Then, almost every morning, I would get up very early, before anyone had a chance to bang on my door or annoyingly ring me to give me wake-up calls. I went to the beach, which was always almost empty at those hours, except for a handful of busy fishermen at work. It was lovely. Just sitting there quietly, waiting for sunrise, and enjoying a cool morning breeze. When I got tired sitting around, I would walk slowly along the beach, taking pleasure in the soft wet sand and engrossing myself with interesting patterns on the sands. A holiday should be just like this. Serene and wonderful.

Before I joined my daughters and the rest of the family members for breakfast, I stopped to watch the cute little squirrels on the trees. Most hotels in Nusa Dua host them and even generously provide food for them. As a conservationist, I’m really not sure whether this is good or not. But for the purpose of making MY holiday more tolerable, I was sure glad that they were there. They ran around in the hotel’s yard, freely taking nuts from small plastic bowls that the hotel staff had nailed to some of the trees. They were so adorable!

Mola-Mola Encounter

Other than my “morning ritual” on the beach, I finally managed to have one day, JUST ONE DAY, to escape the family and go DIVING! I signed up with BIDP, a dive operator in Sanur, to join a one-day dive trip in Nusa Penida. The dive sites were Manta Point and Crystal Bay. The goal was to find the ancient oceanic sunfish, the mola-mola. It was the perfect time to find them as they rarely ever came up to shallow waters, except in August and September, when sweeping currents from the Antarctic made the normally warm tropical waters of Bali freezing cold. The day I went diving, water temperature was 23º Celsius on the surface and dropped to around 17º Celsius underwater. No, it wasn’t cold. It was BALTIC! I had three layers of wetsuits – a 1 mm skin suit and 3 mm wetsuit that I owned, PLUS another 3 mm wetsuit that I rented from the operator – and I was STILL bitterly cold!

But it was worth it. On the second dive in Crystal Bay, I finally saw a mola-mola! Oh my God, it was awesome! I was only around 12 meter deep (thank God, coz as it got deeper, it would also get colder). The prehistoric fish was very large, and had an almost circular, flattened body. It looked like a giant satellite dish with fins. This unusual fish swam by flapping its long pectoral and dorsal fins. It used its caudal fin as a rudder (for steering). The gills were covered by a flap called an operculum. The head was almost a third of the total body length. And its tiny mouth had large fused teeth in the front. Yes, the sunfish are carnivores or meat-eaters. They eat jellyfish, comb-jellies, and some crustaceans.

The sunfish could grow to be about three meter long, but some could also reach up to 4 meter. And it could weigh up to 2 tons. The divemaster said that some sunfish had even been seen floating on their sides on the surface of the sea, letting the sun heat themselves up. That’s why they are called the “sunfish”. Interesting, huh? Well, for me, whatever they’re called, a brief encounter with the sunfish, coupled with a rare “escape” from my family, was the perfect thrill of a lifetime!

But… errr… to dive in that water temperature again? No, I don’t think so. Never again will I dive when the water is less than 26º Celsius. And I promise this in the name of the Father, and the Son, and Bob Marley. Amen. (What? Bob Marley IS my holly ghost, alright?! No spirit is holier than him! Deal with it!)

Oh, by the way, for those of you who are interested to go diving with BIDP, you can contact them at the following phone numbers: (+62 361) 285065 or (+62 361) 270759.

Bali Safari & Marine Park

There was only one more highlight of the holiday. It was a trip to Bali Safari & Marine Park. Alright, I’m not THAT crazy about seeing animals in captivity. For me, the best animal encounters would have to be in the wild, in their natural habitat, just like my encounter with the mola-mola. BUT… just this one time, I must admit that Bali Safari & Marine Park is actually pretty good. It has been set up in such a way that most animals are not in cages, but they can run free in the environment that sort of imitates their real habitats. Additionally, the park also runs various conservation awareness programs in a very innovative, creative and entertaining way. It is a great place for little kids to get the “first taste” of nature and learn about it in a safe and controlled environment, before one day (hopefully) are inspired to go on their own adventures in the wild.

Anyway, the animals in Bali Safari & Marine Park looked well taken care of. There was plenty of love and the enthusiasm of the staff was obvious. It was a good feeling. The only criticism from me would be the staff’s ability to speak English properly. That was the only thing that needed improvement. The rest were just brilliant!

That day, we had a lot of fun observing the delightful elephants, the sweet orangutans, the endearing tigers, the quick cheetahs, the pretty birds, the cunning reptiles, everything! Oh, and they even had komodo dragons in there! That was quite a treat for me and both of my daughters. We miss Komodo National Park. Seeing the dragons was kind of therapeutic in a weird way.

So the holiday wasn’t all bad. Mostly bad, but wasn’t all bad. I did find a lot of things to make this particular family trip acceptable enough. Not that I want to go on another one any time soon. But the last trip was pretty much okay.

One last note before I go to sleep, I came across a huge sign on a tourist bus while we had lunch in Bedugul. When I saw it, I simply cracked up laughing, because to me, the sign was saying that for Rp60,000 you’d get free meal and drink, a free child (less than 80 cm tall), and a free elderly person (older than 60 years old). HAHAHAHAHA! Read the sign and tell me what you think!

I Try to Say Goodbye

2009-11-01T19:53:00.003+07:00

Macy Gray’s song in the background, playing softly. The eve of yet another full moon. The first day of November. I’m powerless against the constant screams of my heart.

“Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we’re not
I play it off but I'm dreamin’ of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin’.”

Who is there? Who is out there? God? Are You really there? Hello? Mother Nature? Anyone? The Greater Force that was supposed to watch over us and grant wishes, is that for real? Or is it simply what human created to feel safe and secure? Did we create the notion of God or whatever? So that we feel like we are going “somewhere” after we die? Or is it really that I’m alone? No mighty force watching, listening. Let alone making my wishes come true.

“I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

Because whoever’s out there, if He/She really exists, must be deaf or really, really cruel. Hello? Are You there? Whoever You are, if you exist, guess what, I can’t. I just can’t do this. I can’t free myself from this feeling. Why won’t You help me? If You’re not going to give what my heart desires, then alter me! Free me from this feeling, or open another door, or give me a better option, or turn my heart to stone, or just kill me. Whatever. Just do something!

“I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front

I play it off but I'm dreamin’ of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin’.”

Today, I promised it would end. And it didn’t. It is too hard to say, Deeply wounded, the pieces are way too small to pick up and put together. I’m on the edge of self-destruction, full of hatred and despair. It is so hard to let go. It’s so hard to say goodbye. The pain remains. The questions remain. The heartache remains. Why? Make this thing disappear!

“I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

So who is out there? Who is listening? God? Really? Where is He in the past two years? This is absurd. I can’t believe I’ve fallen this far, this deep. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this before. Ever. I would do anything. Anything. To have this one wish granted. Because I was born a fool. I by no means wanted this feeling. I didn't want to love. I didn't want to know this pain. This desire that so quickly becomes an ache you can’t quench but with gallons of liquor. But this is by far, the most foolish I’ve ever been. Where are You, God? Or whoever You are? Stop tormenting me!

“Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin.”

Give me a reason. Give me one reason to end this. Make me hate him. That would be easier. Otherwise, this pain will linger. Make me hate him, because we can’t be friends. I can't go on looking at him or talking to him, knowing that I can't touch him and I can’t kiss him. Knowing that someone else does it with ease, with acceptance. I can't be around him knowing that one foot is an uncomfortable distance. I can't stay here and wait to see if his mind changes. Free me from this fate! I beg You…

“I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

premonition in the rain

2009-10-25T02:56:00.004+07:00

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: at 22.33 friday, 23 october 2009, before i went to bed, i tweeted, “may tomorrow rain very hard. may a golden thunder accompany the rain n strike the very spot that turns my luck around. g'nite, sleep tight..” then, i woke up the next day with dark ferocious clouds and the sounds of thunders back in the distance, but no rain. in fact, shortly after lunch, the sun started to show its face. oh well, i thought. it was lazy saturday, so i decided to take a nap instead.

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i thought i woke up that afternoon with a sudden urge to cry. didn’t exactly know why, i just felt so sad, like someone had died, and had to cry. but my daughter, sky, was in the room, busy picking out clothes out of the closet, walking around, looking at things. so i fully covered myself with my blanket and buried my face in the pillow, then started to cry. it was one of the most painful, heart-felt cries ever. yet i had to do it as quietly as possible, fearing that sky would hear it. i remembered i deliberately tossed and turned on my bed a bit, in the effort to disguise any trace of crying. but then… i REALLY woke up. my eyes were dry. my pillow was dry. no sign that i had been crying.

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i woke up in the midst of an intense thunderstorm. through my bedroom window, i could see the wind blew wildly, everything outside was wet, and i also hear the unmistakably soothing sound of the pouring rain. and i just had a dream. so it was only a dream. but it felt so real. it felt like a vision, a message. but what message? and as it turned out, my daughter, sky, also had a vision-like dream. at the same time! she swore she was going to be abducted by aliens. she swore it was real and that she wasn’t dreaming it. i knew, something had happened in the period of the rain. and whatever it was, sent a message to us. but what message?

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i’m no psychic. and i’m no witch, even though sometimes i wish i was. but i asked for this heavy rain the night before. i requested the thunders. and i got that. did i also get the last part of my wish? that the thunder would strike the very spot that turns my luck around? i don’t know. only time will tell, i guess. you see, luck has definitely left me. for the past 10 years or so, my world has been turned upside down. almost nothing has ever been right again. almost nothing has ever gone my way again. but if luck is on my side again, if the table has indeed turned, then why did i cry in my dream? i was sure the universe sent me a message, but what message?

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: dreams can be baffling and mysterious. that’s why throughout history, they have been associated with sacred revelation and prophecy. sigmund freud even said, “dreams are the royal road to the unconscious.” so i believe that when a dream feels so real, then it is ALWAYS “true”. it’s just that what they mean isn’t always what we think they mean. according to a clinical psychology text that i read, dreams often mean the opposite of what they seem to mean. dreams could be unconscious advice. they could be an admonition, based in guilt. they could be hints of a repressed trauma. and, of course, they could be psychic premonitions. so did i just have a premonition? i got my rain, i got my thunders, and I got a dream. was it a premonition? i have no idea. not the slightest clue.

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. i’m simply thinking out loud here, trying to appreciate where i am, trying to see a glimpse of hope again. while a soft white haze emanating from the soaked earth, i sat on the terrace for the rest of the afternoon, attempting to decipher this particular sign from the universe. it is now nearly 3 o’clock in the morning, the following day. i still don’t know what it means. but i must keep my conviction. i must. for that’s the only “power” i possess now to control my destiny. i must believe that it was a good sign. the table has turned. my wishes no longer fall on deaf ears of the universe. i must believe.

chirping birds, soft grayish blue clouds, wet soil, drops of water still on the leaves, cool breeze. heaven's waiting… the perfect rain. the perfect thunder. the perfect mid-day vision. the perfect wind, fire, water & earth. i'm here at the perfect beginning. amen.

eye twitches

2009-10-23T15:59:00.003+07:00

today, shortly after lunch, around 1 pm, my left eye started to twitch. as indonesian, i was taught to believe that twitching in your left eye meant someone is thinking ill about you or talking nonsense about you behind your back. i can't recall who taught me that or where i heard it. but this is a common belief in this country. who started it doesn't matter anymore.

well, i believe in the grand system that connects us all. the western world may not believe it, but i know in the east, we are a lot wiser to know that as merely an element of nature, it is impossible not to be connected with everyone and everything else in the universe.

so i searched in the internet for other interpretations from the golden years of the greater Asian continent. and i ran into a very interesting writing, titled "Signs and Omens - Eye Twitches and Tics". for those of you who are interested, please read on. for those of you who don't believe in this, please refrain yourselves from commenting or criticizing. i would really appreciate that.

***

Signs And Omens – Eye Twitches & Tics

Good evening, dear friends,

Physical sensations such as eye twitches and tics have been accorded a greater sensation in China than in the West. In the West, there are traditions such as if your ear burns, someone is talking about you, but China has developed a highly complex system of fortune telling based upon these sensations. This post here is based on writing in The Chinese Almanac or Tung Shu and has its history for thousands of years in China.

The most important aspect is to remember when you first felt the sensation. Then refer to the period of time listed below to see what the meaning of this sign is. Please do not take this guide as the gospel truth and actual prediction as it is only a form of beliefs practised in the olden days in China.

11pm – 1am

Twitches or tics in the left eye means a noblemen will come to see you. If the right it means you will be invited to a party or feast.

1am – 3am

If in the left eye, this means that something will happen to worry you. If the right eye, then someone is thinking about you.

3am – 5am

If in the left eye, this means that a friend from afar will come and visit you. If the right eye, this means a happy event awaits you.

5am – 7am

In the left eye, this means that a special guest will come. If in the right eye, then everything will go well.

7am – 9am

In the left eye, this means a close friend will come from afar. If in the right eye, then expect a slight injury.

9am – 11am

In the left eye, this means you will go to a party or feast. If the right eye, you will have a quarrel or a disaster.

11am – 1pm

If the left eye, this means you will eat and drink heartily. If the right eye, beware or there will be a disaster.

1pm – 3pm

In the left eye, this means that you are safe and plans go well. In the right eye, it means that you will have a minor happy event.

3pm – 5pm

In the left eye, it means you will lose money. In the right eye, then you will be thinking of your loved one very much.

5pm – 7pm

In the left eye, this means a guest is coming. This is also true for the right eye, but from far away.

7pm -9pm

In the left eye, this means a guest is coming. In the right eye, it means you will go to a big gathering.

9pm – 11pm

In the left eye, it means that a friend is coming. In the right eye, beware of trouble in court.

sweet sixteen

2009-10-22T15:14:00.007+07:00

just like a blank card

it's empty, yet full of promises

and opportunity

just like the coming year

it is waiting to be filled

with achievements and sometimes failure

but also affection from we who love you

and just like we named you 16 years ago ...

"SKY"

your options are limitless

so fly, to the sky, and reach your dreams

we will always be here

cheering you on ... always.

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY, SKY DWI-DRUPADI SUCAHYO!

conviction

2009-10-10T20:54:00.001+07:00

If the universe is listening at all and everything is inter-connected, then for sure he will be held accountable for his words, his promises, his pledges, his wishes. “I want you.” “I wish you were here.” “Wait a bit, I’ll figure something out.” “I think you’re my soul mate.” “It feels so right.” And so on. And so on. He has said too much, too often. And we have broken the seal, with the oldest ritual of flesh and blood ever known to the human race. Underneath a full moon, we were air, water, fire and earth. The unbroken golden ring that marks the things that are supposed to be. We are supposed to be. And when the seal is broken, we’re supposed to set in motion a series of events from which there will be no return. There are forces at work tonight. Air, water, fire and earth. Through flesh and blood and the golden ring. Make him keep his words to me. Because entropy is fundamental. Everything decays. And indifference is the engine of entropy. I’m decaying. What I require should be now within reach. Darkness follows light. Chaos follows order. And vice versa. We should be moving out of the inner circles, out of darkness, into the light. Transformation. By the power of focused conviction and intention, I summon all forces of the universe to unify and make him keep his words to me, hold him accountable for his words, his promises, his pledges, his wishes. For nothing is hidden that will not be made known and nothing is secret that will not come to light. It is time.

sinis

2009-10-09T12:19:00.003+07:00

semua tlah kulakukan dalam kelam
ku tlah coba menjabat tangannya
ku tlah coba mendekap wajahnya
ku tlah coba kecup bibirnya
ku tlah coba meraih jiwanya
semua cuma berujung sendu
dalam kelepak muram sang elang
menatap pada debu

sinis

dan ku teruskan menipu jiwa
dalam gelap tanpa lentera

PENGECUT!

2009-10-09T00:55:00.002+07:00

Thank you, Andini Haryani (http://lovingindonesia.blogspot.com) for this post..

I don't know who you're angry at, Din.. But this is exactly how I feel at the moment about someone.. Nyontek ya..

Pengecut

Terlalu lama menunggu

Tak kunjung tumbuh keberanianmu

Merunduk terus, mengangguk terus

Kapan kau kan membangkang?

Kapan kau kan berang?

Pengecut yang membosankan

Kau akan membuatku mati sambil menguap

Aku butuh bangga padamu

Mengapa tidak kunjung kau sadari itu?

Aku muak lihat buntutmu,terjepit malu di selangkangan

isyarat

2009-10-06T00:31:00.002+07:00

hujan seperti tak punya pendirian. tiba-tiba datang, tiba-tiba pergi. begitu sepanjang jalan. tapi setidaknya, kehadiran dewi hujan cukup meneguhkan. dan langit seusai menangis, sajikan sapuan warna lembut seperti krim susu. putih kelabu berpadu dengan sedikit torehan biru. my cream-colored clouds. sebuah isyarat. a blessing to take this journey.

setengah perjalanan, perut mulai melilit-lilit. benak mulai bertanya ragu. should i really be doing this? jalan aspal yang menanjak dikelilingi bukit itu tak lagi terasa mulus. padahal tak ada lubang, tak ada gelombang, tak ada rintangan. tak terasa, kaki tak lagi dengan semangat menekan pedal gas. “lha? kok jadi pelan sih?” protes teman yang terburu-buru ingin segera sampai untuk merayakan ulang tahun perkawinannya dengan sang istri. perjalanan ini, dia pikir untuk dia. padahal, permintaan untuk mengantarnya ke kota ini justru menjadi berkah, untuk sebuah keputusan. sebuah langkah. sebuah tekad. benar atau salah, hati ini, tidak lagi sudi mengalah.

mengambil jalur paling kiri untuk kendaraan yang lebih lambat, hati pun dalam sunyi membatin sebuah doa. give me a sign, please…

dan…

mendadak.. entah dari mana, dua burung putih melintas bagai sepasang kekasih di angkasa. kepakan sayapnya mengingatkan lukisan anak sd pada setiap pelajaran menggambar, yakni seperti huruf "m". sepasang merpati? bisa jadi. tapi mungkin juga tidak. yang jelas, mereka berwarna putih bersih, kontras berlatar langit biru susu itu. yang jelas, mereka mewujudkan isyarat. i'm alright. i'm supposed to do this. thank you for the sign… kaki kembali tancap gas.

********

gerbang tol tidak berapa jauh lagi. kenapa macet ya? jangan-jangan, this is a bad sign? sekitar 30 menit kemudian, antrian mobil sebelah kanan mulai mepet-mepet ke kiri, berusaha mencari celah di antara ratusan mobil lainnya. bottleneck. ada apa di sebelah kanan jalan? tak lama, 2 mobil penyok terlihat teronggok di bahu jalan. 6 mobil lainnya juga ringsek di kanan jalan. pantas. tabrakan beruntun.

hati kembali berterima kasih. this isn’t a bad sign. despite the horrendous accident, it’s actually a good sign for me. kalau saja tadi benak tidak bertanya-tanya, atau diri tidak menunggu jawaban, maka sepasang merpati (anggap saja mereka merpati) hanya akan terbang sia-sia tanpa sempat terlihat. karena mobil masih akan terus melaju kencang. dan mungkin mobil inipun jadi korban tabrakan. a few minutes delay may have saved my plan today. thanks!

********

“hey! kamu udah sembuh?” suara itu terdengar ceria tanpa beban. phew, syukurlah. dia sedang siap-siap mau makan malam.

good timing. can i join you? i have a bottle of merlot too!

“boleh dong! i’ll cook some more pasta. not much left, but i think it’s enough for you.”

ya ampun, belum jugakah kamu sadar, makan upil pun cukup selama ada kamu.

********

dan malam merayap dalam rangkaian tutur dan kisah yang rebutan minta didengarkan. sudah begitu lama, kita tidak saling cerita. i just realized, i hate not knowing anything that’s going on in your life. kadang rasa ingin tahu itu menggores luka, tapi tetap saja, lebih baik tahu.

bulan nyaris purnama. sebenarnya, purnama baru sempurna esok malam. tapi biasanya, malam purnama selalu hujan. dan bulan terselip di antara kelamnya awan. itu sebabnya, perjalanan harus dilakukan hari ini, satu hari sebelum purnama, saat bulan menghias langit dengan cahaya putihnya yang mirip lampu sorot. bulan, perjalanan, kita. tiga kata yang terinspirasi buku Perahu Kertas karangan Dewi Lestari, terbisik begitu saja dari bibir. atau, karena kini kita sedang duduk di teras sepi, mungkin yang lebih tepat adalah: bulan, sudut sunyi, kita.

Ya Tuhan, betapa aku mencintainya. please bless us. jiwa dan raga.

dan malam makin merayap. purnama jadi saksi, bersama gemerisik semak di muka jendela dan nyanyian jangkrik sesekali. angin bebas keluar masuk lewat berbagai celah yang jarang terkunci. aroma rumput basah turut melengkapi. tapi kita tidak dingin. hangat kamu, hangat aku. kita. satu. seperti seharusnya. karena kamu belahan jiwaku. tidak peduli apa kata dunia. karena hati tak pernah salah. hati telah dipilih. dan hati ini tak lagi sudi mengalah. hanya kamu. hanya aku. hanya kita.

the moon, empty house, cloudy sky, hills, and us. hanya napas kita yang menyatu dalam embun. hari menjelang pagi. genap pulalah isyarat itu. thank you.

********

“dia seneng banget kalo ada si eneng di sini,” si bibi yang biasa datang setengah hari untuk membersihkan rumah mulai rumpi. pekerjaannya pasti sudah selesai, dan sekarang mulai kurang kerjaan.

ah, masa sih bi?

sambil bersandar di hammock (bi, itu hammock buat ditidurin, bukan disenderin!), si bibi pun melanjutkan, “eh, kok si eneng gak percaya. beneran ini! dia selalu bilang, seneng banget kalo ada eneng, karena selalu seru dan bisa ngobrol macem-macem.”

si bibi masih nyerocos, “… gak seperti kalo ada si *BEEP!!!* gak nyambung kalo ama dia mah.”

halah.

aku berharap saat itu juga telinga bisa dibuat tuli. lebih baik tuli daripada sakit hati. tapi terlambat, nama itu sudah terburu disebut. herannya, aku tak juga terbiasa dengan rasa perih yang disebabkannya. dan aku diam. menggigit bibir, menahan air mata. it doesn’t matter. aku berusaha kompromi dengan hati sendiri. he’s being so sweet this weekend. it doesn’t matter.

but it matters. this, in fact, is only a stolen moment. a stolen weekend. but i believe it is a blessed weekend. semua isyarat berkata begitu. hatiku berkata begitu. rumpi siang inipun harusnya jadi isyarat. bahwa hatinya pun telah terpilih. olehku. tapi kenapa rasanya sakit sekali? i really hate that name.

kutatap jendela ruangan kantornya yang berada di samping halaman. dia masih sibuk di depan komputer. dari sofa ini aku hanya bisa melihat kepalanya. sambil menghela napas, kupaksa mataku kembali pada buku The Lost Symbol karya Dan Brown, melanjutkan kisah misteri yang sesungguhnya sangat seru. pembatas buku terselip pada halaman 79. kembali menghela napas, aku mulai membaca halaman itu. dan sebuah isyarat lagi langsung tersaji.

halaman 79. wide acceptance of an idea is not proof of its validity.

ok. jadi aku harus bersabar. the idea of us being together, is not widely accepted yet. but it doesn’t mean it’s not valid. and vice versa (the idea of them being together is widely accepted, but it doesn’t mean it’s valid). fine. jadi aku (masih tetap) harus bersabar. baiklah.

********

a stolen weekend. beautiful and tender. but i know you are scared. so am i. this isn’t something that i do just for the fun of it. i do it because i love you, and because it feels so right. it may not seem right, but it does feel so right. you. me. soul mates.

a stolen weekend. affectionate and sweet. but i know that fear. it’s the fear that has kept us apart. i still have lots of questions too. why does something stolen feel so right? and why does something that feels so right make me bleed to death inside? so i share your fear. it’s my fear too. and i’m constantly trying to find the reason too, to make sense out of this too…

“if only i have a clear reason… i just need one clear reason…” kamu mengeluh sedih.

Ya Tuhan, tidakkah Kau mendengar? keluhan spontan itu adalah doa yang terlontar begitu saja dari mulutnya. tolong dengarkan. dengarkan dia dan kabulkan doanya. he needs a clear reason! please give him one… please… and please hurry…

if only i could crystallize that moment, that weekend, and stay frozen in it forever with you, i would. i would crystallize everything. the night of the full moon. our morning cups of coffee. the white smokes from our cigarettes. the beautiful view. our vespa ride to go to dinner. the tenderness. every word. every hug. every kiss. everything.

then we would stay in this inspirational little corner, with me in your wings, forever. what we’ve done this weekend, i don’t know whether it’s wrong or right. but for me, i am simply trying to connect the link, solely on the power of intention. i am trying to achieve the unachievable and to avoid the unavoidable, solely on the power of focused thoughts. because, believe it or not, a human thought can literally transform the physical world. so i no longer allow myself to fall in the hand of destiny. i am creating my destiny and becoming the master of my universe. and you, as you know, are the sun in my universe. my light, my warmth, my source of life.

********

the weekend is over. when i woke up this morning, nothing was lost. but nothing was mine. well, i guess i have to accept the cards that life gave me. but i get to decide how to play. and this is how i’m playing it. hati ini tak lagi sudi untuk mengalah.

aku, masih akan selalu mempertajam semua indera, untuk menangkap tepukan halus isyarat itu di bahu, lewat semua elemen alam di jagad raya ini. tanpa berhenti berusaha. tanpa berhenti berdoa. tanpa berhenti berharap. tanpa berhenti bermimpi. karena kamu, adalah matahariku.

and because life is short, there is no time to leave important words unsaid. i love you. even though i bleed, i love you. even when i’m angry, i love you. even when the whole world is turning against me, i love you. and i love you not because you’re nice or whatever, i love you because you rock my world.

and we should be together. the signs are everywhere. aku cuma berharap, kamu pun akan mendapat isyarat. segera. secepatnya. waktu kita. “segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya.” well, semoga waktunya adalah waktu kita. our time please. the one clear reason that you are praying for, may you receive it within our time. amen.

… Untuk Makanan Anjing Saja …

2009-10-01T12:38:00.001+07:00

Heran.

Dan geram.

Gempa berkekuatan 7.6 SR mengguncang pesisir barat Sumatera, memorakporandakan kawasan pantai Pariaman, Kota Padang, dan sekitarnya. Satu lagi amukan Ibu Bumi yang makin tua, makin rentan, makin sakit dan makin sering marah-marah. Setelah mengirim taifun ke Filipina, Laos dan Vietnam, serta menghempas gelombang garang tsunami di kepulauan apik Samoa, agaknya kini giliran Indonesia.

Herannya, di tengah tragedi sebesar itu, di tengah keprihatinan atas kondisi planet yang telah menjadi rumah kita ini, banyak orang masih bisa berolok-olok.

Iya. Betul. Bercanda dan tertawa.

Atau lebih tepatnya, mentertawakan.

Seorang teman yang berprofesi sebagai penyiar bercerita, begitu banyak SMS dengan nada canda yang masuk ke stasiun radio tempat dia bekerja. Para pendengarnya agaknya merasa bahwa tragedi ini memang “sudah waktunya terjadi, karena dunia makin sempit.” Pernyataan via SMS ini ditambah pula lagak tawa layaknya anak-anak muda, yaitu WKWKWKWKWK…

Ada juga yang mengirim pesan begini, “Daripada pusing mikirin mereka, mending saya request lagu aja ya, mbak…”

Heran.

Dan geram.

Dan kini bertanya-tanya, ada berapa banyak dari kamu semua yang berpikiran begini? Ada berapa banyak dari kamu semua yang sudah tak lagi memiliki otak dan hati nurani?

Dunia memang makin sempit. Dan ini semua memang ulah kita. Saya ulang, ulah KITA. Bukan dia, bukan kamu, bukan saya, melainkan KITA. Ini kesalahan kita bersama-sama. Keserakahan kita, ketidakpedulian kita, ketidakmautahuan kita terhadap kelestarian bumi, telah membuat planet tempat kita berpijak dan bernaung ini kian bingung mencari titik keseimbangannya. Ibu Bumi sedang demam. Ibu Bumi lagi panas tinggi. Beliau tengah berupaya mengembalikan kecantikan dan keagungannya. Untuk itu, beberapa hal harus dia korbankan. Dan itu semua, adalah akibat perbuatan KITA. Apa yang kita tabur, kini harus kita tuai. Kita telah menabur angin, maka memang… sudah sepantasnyalah kita menuai badai.

Tapi… pernyataan bahwa “dunia makin sempit” dan “sudah waktunya” bukanlah bahan olok-olok dan ejekan, melainkan bahan introspeksi. Kita yang kini masih diijinkan untuk tetap bertahan di planet paling bergengsi sejagad raya ini seharusnya makin mawas diri dan mulai sungguh-sungguh melihat ke dalam, melakukan perubahan. Mereka yang mati tidak dipanggil pulang ke rumah Tuhan karena mereka dianggap sampah yang telah membuat dunia makin sempit. Justru sebaliknya, mereka yang mati adalah mereka yang diselamatkan-Nya, dibebaskan dari tanggung-jawab dan segala permasalahan dunia. Kematian adalah solusi terbaik bagi masalah apapun yang kita hadapi. Berbahagialah mereka yang telah kembali ke pangkuan-Nya.

Kita dibiarkan “hidup” bukan karena kita dianggap tidak bersalah. Justru kita inilah yang kini makin diberi beban di bahu. Beban untuk melanjutkan hidup disertai tanggung-jawab yang kian besar untuk memperbaiki kondisi bumi yang penuh ketidakpastian ini. Dan beberapa dari kita harus melakukan semua itu sambil menahan pilu dan pedih atas kehilangan yang amat sangat. Kalau saya sih, lebih berharap langsung mati di tempat jika tragedi menimpa. Sebuah harapan egois untuk terlepas dari beban itu. Tapi nyatanya… KITA… masih di sini. KITA… masih harus melanjutkan misi.

Berhenti bercanda dan lihat diri sendiri.

Otak dan hati diberikan kepada kita bukan sekedar untuk membedakan kita dari makhluk lainnya, melainkan untuk dipakai dengan selaras. Binatang pun punya otak dan hati. Tapi mereka tidak diberikan kemampuan untuk menyelaraskan pikiran dengan perasaan, lalu mengaplikasikannya demi kepentingan seluruh umat. Sebagai gantinya, mereka diberikan taring dan kuku yang tajam, atau bisa yang mematikan, atau kecepatan berlari yang luar biasa, atau sayap yang mampu menari mengikuti angin, dan sebagainya. Sementara kita tidak. Sebagai makhluk paling lemah di planet ini, kita justru diberikan kehebatan dalam menggunakan serta mengelola otak dan hati kita. Karena itulah kita disebut sebagai “yang paling sempurna”, lalu ditempatkan dalam rengkuh Ibu Bumi, sebagai penjaganya. Bukan perusaknya. Tolong gunakan kesempurnaan itu sebaik-baiknya.

Ingat juga, patahan lempeng yang menyebabkan gempa di pesisir barat Sumatera kemarin, masih terus bergerak ke segala penjuru. Jambi, hari ini, turut diguncang gempa. Besok? Mungkin Anak Krakatau terbangun dari tidurnya. Lusa? Mungkin Tangkuban Perahu terbatuk-batuk. Hari berikutnya? Mungkin Jogja akan kembali bergetar hebat, dilengkapi siraman lahar dan asap beracun dari dataran asri Dieng. Kita tidak pernah tahu. Hari esok, mungkin giliran kamu, saya atau dia. Tolong jangan bercanda.

Jadi… Otak, kalau tidak dipakai, sebaiknya dibuang saja ke laut. Hati, kalau tidak dipakai, sebaiknya dicincang untuk makanan anjing.

* dedicated to:
1. Unee Adisti – my deepest condolences for your fucked-up listeners.
2. Vriana Indriasari – hope your family in Pariaman is safe and will contact you soon.
3. Minangkabau – my mother land, my blood, my family.
4. The Human Race – GROW UP, WILL YA???

a "yes" that brings regrets

2009-09-29T19:44:00.003+07:00

to say "no" is painful

but it's much better

than a "yes" that brings regrets

- Paulo Coelho

You

2009-09-28T11:45:00.001+07:00

Heavy. Wondering what’s going on. Wondering what I’ve done wrong. I’m possessed. I’m obsessed. I’m hurt. This is the time of massive, deep, oppressive depression. This is the time of walking around dead, imagining what it would be like to die. Must be such a blessed relief. Must be much better than being imprisoned in this wrenching, painful body. But then again, does the heart belong to the body? Or does it have a soul of its own? Does it breathe on its own? Because no matter what I do, even when I’m unconscious, the heart insists it. The heart still wants it. It always wants what it can’t have…

Severe. The most brain-damaged I have ever been for a long time. For each waking moment, my mind is burning and blazing with imagination, with endless scenarios of desires. For every breath I take, I’m wishing for moonlight, for its supernatural power to take over, bringing fresh rain to the stone on the steps of my heart. Although I know I’m only bleeding every minute. Yet tomorrow I pray for another painful day of waiting and wanting what I can’t have…

Drowning. Slowly losing it. Hoping I can resurface where the doves parade and the pines vibrate. Is there gratification after a long meditation? Is there satisfaction after ablution? I’m consumed in the toxic charm you spread with just one look through those watery eyes, creating a perfect lightning, where upon the abyss even sunlight seems to pause. The pure effects of an eternal cause. Time sparkles. But then I stopped and blinked. That’s when I saw a fact as eerie as a dream, that I always want what I can’t have…

Dying. This is a funny feeling. One day it holds me gently on the palms of its hands as if I were the last raw egg on the planet. Then it tightens up just a little, giving a nice warm squeeze, luring me into a false sense of soft defenselessness. Then the hurt begins. The air disappears. My mind pops. The smile on my face turns into fear. Shattered and slammed shut. Forever. No way out. Trapped in this feeling of wanting what I can’t have…

Something that I can’t have, you.

cassey & the internet

2009-09-18T23:44:00.003+07:00

i don’t know what i’ve done right. actually, i don’t even know what i’ve done. the fact that both of my kids are still alive, healthy and well, still amazes me every second. as far as i can remember, i haven’t been the perfect mother. i’m cranky and moody. i get mad easily. i get crazy all the time. i still go out, hangout and stuff. i don’t like to cook (doesn't mean i can't cook, i just don't like it). i hate housework. i smoke, i drink, i rock ‘n roll. i love traveling, i love risky outdoor activities, so most of the time i leave them at home in order to pursue my hobbies and my dreams. in short, i’m sooo... not the ideal, warm, gentle, loving and caring mother everyone expects me to be. i haven’t done too many motherly things so far.

so when Cassey, my oldest daughter, told me that she won first prize on the Indonesian Youth Conference - Make Your Voice Heard! Blog Competition recently, i was proud and also shocked. i must’ve done something right.

yeah, i must’ve done something right, because both of my kids turn out to be smart young achievers. they have done well academically (most of the time) as well as socially. my youngest daughter, Sky, has consistently won various English speech and story-telling competitions. and now Cassey. i must’ve done something right. thank God.

her essay speaks about the “online culture” that she has embraced lovingly for the past… ow… 10 years or so. maybe that’s what i’ve done right. i introduced her to this thing called “the computer” since she was 2.5 years old. i installed a simple block-matching game for her. the reason for this was actually, again, quite selfish. she was a hyper-active kid and i wanted her to leave me the hell alone! little that i know, she got hooked on that computer and could stay on it for hours. and computers have always been the bestest of best friends for her. so naturally, when internet became financially accessible to our family, she was probably one of the first kids who mastered it, with all her heart and soul. long before any other kid in her school knew anything about it, Cassey was already on it. and when internet social networks became a trend - friendster, facebook, myspace, twitter, blogspot and so on - Cassey, of course, simply beats almost everyone at it. she’s completely a computer-freak and her culture IS the online culture. no wonder her essay won first place. she must’ve written it from her heart. it would be a piece of cake. so yeah, i guess that’s what i’ve done right. congratulations, Cass! i’m so proud of you!

well, you can read Cassey’s essay, which is now published on Jakarta Globe, by clicking here.

and, here is the announcement:

Pengumuman Pemenang Make Your Voice Heard! Blog Competition

Beberapa waktu yang lalu, IYC mengadakan kompetisi blog Make Your Voice Heard! - hasil kerjasama dengan Jakarta Globe dan Terrant Books - dengan tema Online all the time: Youth and the New Media. The impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture.

Secara mengejutkan, IYC menerima kiriman karya yang relatif banyak dan menarik, walaupun kompetisi ini hanya dibuka selama kurang lebih dua minggu (dari tanggal 12 - 31 Agustus 2009). Hal ini sedikit banyak membuktikan bahwa anak muda Indonesia memiliki aspirasi dan sikap kritis, kendati harus menyampaikan ide-ide mereka di dalam Bahasa Inggris. Tim IYC memilih sepuluh karya terbaik ke editor Jakarta Globe–yang akan menentukan 3 juara kompetisi ini.

Akhirnya, telah diputuskan bahwa pemenang Make Your Voice Heard! Blog Competition adalah:

1. Cassandra Niki Sucahyo (Universitas Gadjah Mada, Yogyakarta)

Online all the time: Youth and The New Media. The impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture

2. Garindra Putra Prahandono (De Anza College, California)

Social Networking on Youth

3. Disty Winata (Burnaby Central Secondary, Vancouver)

The Impacts of the Online World to Indonesian Culture

Tulisan pemenang pertama akan dipublikasikan di Jakarta Globe. Masing-masing pemenang mendapatkan voucher berlangganan Jakarta Globe dan goodie bags dari Terrant Books.

Selamat untuk para pemenang!

Terima kasih untuk semua yang telah mengirimkan karyanya, dan secara tidak langsung membuktikan bahwa suara kita layak untuk didengar.

save us from screwing this earth

2009-09-18T13:35:00.003+07:00

while browsing the Indonesian Youth Conference website to find my daughter's name as the winner of the "Make Your Voice Heard! Blog Competition" (i'll write about this later), i found this blog article. Titled "... Save us from screwing this earth", it is written by Tiavita Herdiana.

Tiavita, or Vita, is currently studying Visual Communications & Design in a private university in Jakarta. the talented young woman is also one of the founders of Jakarta Street Looks.

anyway, i have to admit, this is one of the smartest articles on saving the planet that i've read so far. it's fresh and honest and so true, written in such spirit of youth! so, now that i've obtained a written permission from one of the IYC's administrators, Alanda Kariza, i'm going to republish it here and share it with all of you.

........ in the hope that some of you will feel ashamed of yourselves, ashamed of your current destructive lifestyles, and finally take this young lady's suggestions seriously ........

-----------------

Save the air, save the water, save the soil, save us from screwing this earth.

Little things I’ve done so far:

1. Thrifty closet

Buy vintage or secondhand clothes (for the sake of trend cycle, whatever). It will also save your money, a lot.

2. Air conditioner dilemma

We know that Jakarta is friggin hot like hell nowadays, so I keep up the not-so-fresh-air blowing on me from opening all the windows and doors in my room. Helps your parents to decrease the electricity bill too, lol.

3. Look after your charger

Always keep it unplugged after I finished.

4. Take the bus

I can’t drive so I take the bus too reach my campus. But I always feel glad when my friends ask me to join their cars. Whatever you say, Metromini is uncool, fag, not so urban, not trendy, whatever. It’s an indie way to reach wherever you want :p By using this transportation, you can feel how the passengers are screwed up by the bad weather.

5. Take five minute shower

6. Do it your damn self

I made some accessories from secondhand stuffs, tie-dyeing, etc. I’m not a handy person though, so now I’m learning and seeking for more stuff to be crafted. It feels good to wear something you make by yourself.

7. Buy handmade

Or if you’re too lazy to make stuff, just buy the handmade one.

8. Back-off you tees

Don’t waste you unwanted tees. Just flip them! Or if you want something special, grab some markers, painting kit or whatever, and then draw all over the area!

9. BYOB (Bring Your Own Bag)

At least, say no to plastic bags aka kantong kresek.

10. Long live bottled water

Because I drink like a camel (I usually drink 3 Litres of water a day), I bring my very own bottle everyday. Hail mineral water… Mineral water over coke.. Mineral water over avocado juice.. Mineral water over ice tea.. Mineral water over beer.

11. Watch An Inconvenient Truth.

12. Read The Live Earth Global Warming Survival Handbook: 77 Essential Skills To Stop Climate Change.

13. The list is still going…

Make your own list, people!

the sun in my universe

2009-09-13T22:37:00.002+07:00

i really don’t know what to say. the tiny flashing message window on facebook suddenly got my attention. and i replied automatically. “hello”… “hey”… and next thing i knew, nearly 5 hours later, i was back where i started.

dear God, if that was a mistake, then You shouldn’t have let that happen. i could’ve been offline. i could’ve been so wrapped up reading “The Fifth Mountain”. i could’ve been in the bathroom! i don’t wanna be tested anymore. because You know, if it was only a test, a test to see how strong i was in fighting temptations, well… You know and i know, i’m not that strong. i would simply, without thinking, fall into the trap and make the same mistake again. so don’t. stop. quit testing me. i beg You. i won’t pass. i’m pathetic and weak. especially when it comes to that one creature of Yours. quit testing me. please.

so God, i figured if you let that happen, You must know what You’re doing. i’m trying not to lose my faith, so help me out here. i assume, You must know what You’re doing. and i assume You know how pathetic and weak i am. so i must also assume that You’re not doing this just because You love lifting me up to cloud nine, then delightfully watching me fall from that dangerous height. no. i must believe You’re not that cruel. i must believe You have a wonderful plan for me, for us, and that’s why You let the corner of my eye catch the tiny flashing window and let me reply. i want to believe that. should i believe that? all this time i remain vigilant to Your signs, but this is no time to give me another sign. what i need now is a clear, straight-to-the-point, humanly-understandable explanation to all this. please.

the thing is… God… in those 5 hours, i was recharged, ready to face the next couple of weeks with a smile. i was re-energized. You see, You have given me the sun in my universe. i revolve around this sun. i need the energy from this sun. i stay in orbit so i don’t die. however, staying in orbit also feels like crossing a minefield, losing a leg, an arm, half of a face, surprised to still be alive. if i ever make it, what’s left of me? here i am, in the middle of the minefield. i can’t go back, but i’m too afraid to move forward. so i’m staying right here, in the middle of the minefield, doing nothing, waiting for someone to rescue me. someone who would be willing to meet me half way, risking the minefield from the other side. hopefully, that someone is… that one creature of Yours whom i’ve loved, so much, without failing, for over 2 years now… the sun in my universe…

all my life, he is the one person who has been able to mess up my life this much, make me lose my entire ability not to care and pretend like i don’t give a shit, and make me lose faith in anything… anything at all. i’m an idiot, because of him. he’s the sun in my universe. i revolve around him. so God, one last time, i’m going to take for granted that You know what You’re doing. like James Blunt said in his song, “give me reason, but don’t give me choice. ‘cause i’m just gonna make the same mistake again.” quit testing me. please. amen.

“dear the sun in my universe, thank you for ‘wish you were here’ by pink floyd and ‘i want you back’ by michael jackson… and for still being in my universe… i don’t care what anyone says. i’m yours.”

scientifically, you must feel this too

2009-09-12T14:32:00.002+07:00

if you’re human,
then you must feel this love too
because love is a type of energy
that travels through space
as rhythmic waves.

and when these waves
collide with the molecules of your heart
there’s no way you don’t feel blissful.

if you’re human,
then you must feel this pain too
because pain is a type of rhythmic disturbances
that carry energy in the air,
without carrying matter.

and when these disturbances
collide with matters of your soul
there’s no way you don’t feel tortured.

the bond between us has not been broken
because the energy waves that link us
are both transverse and compressional.
they move up and down, and side to side,
as well as backward and forward
in the same direction.

our hearts are stubborn and consistent
none of these feelings has been shaken
they create an electromagnetic field
and i know, we’re both in it.

this feeling has such density
that it would never ever vanish
into randomness,
the way we hope it would.

so if you’re human,
i know, scientifically,
you’re just as miserable
as i am today, everyday.

paper airplanes

2009-09-06T23:44:00.004+07:00

today i just finished reading "Perahu Kertas" by Dee Lestari
crying silently, i am running out of words
i just know, i have to thank Dee for her words
the words that have brought peace once again
i know now, all i have to do, is to accept
and to enjoy this pain, this bitterness
because it's all part of loving you...

but instead of paper ships.. mine are paper airplanes..
the sky is forever a constant reminder and the true witness
to the love that i know will never fade away...

may you find your star,
that will lead you to where your heart lies

what do you do when you miss me?

2009-08-25T13:14:00.001+07:00

what do you do when you miss me? what do you do when the sultry melting days and the cold bitter nights are no longer able to dissolve the shadow of my existence and the sound of my voice? what do you do when your busy schedules and heaps of work are no longer enough to block me from your mind and keep me away from your heart? do you light a cigarette, sit in front of the computer in your little cozy home office, and try to “read” me? do you let the smokes from your cigarette fill up your room, hoping they will relieve your deferred vision of me? do you listen to the Rolling Stones’ “Red Rooster” or to Sarah McLachlan’s version of “Black Bird”, while perusing my blog, eating whatever’s written and displayed on your LCD screen word by word, attempting to digest it as slowly as possible? do you stop in silence studying every detail of my uploaded photos, letting ashes from your cigarette fall to the floor? do you see a bright star emerge on the horizon, echoing a memory we both cherish, a memory from a place we both love, a place where we met? do you then allow a sun-tanned twilight to gently persuade you to search my name amongst hundreds or thousands of other names on your cell phone’s memory card? then what do you do? do you ping me on BlackBerry Messenger or email me or send me a short text message? or do you just wordlessly spell my name in your heart? maybe. coz I’m just guessing. coz over the many lost evenings and things we shall never see, I don’t even know anymore whether you still miss me, let alone what you would do when you miss me. and even if you do miss me sometimes, I don’t know whether you would do anything about it. because I miss you all the time, yet most of the times I try my best not to do anything, letting only my heart reminisce the tale of an unfinished moment, unfulfilled dreams and things unsaid, believing that we ought to have met in a different sky and on a different earth. maybe you’re like that too.

Renungan 17 Agustus: Apakah Kita Sudah Merdeka?

2009-08-17T16:02:00.003+07:00

Maafkan saya jika saya satu-satunya yang tidak mengucapkan “Happy Independence Day” hari ini ataupun berteriak lantang, “MERDEKA!!!” maupun ikut-ikutan memakai lambang merah-putih sebagai tanda solidaritas dan keikutsertaan saya dalam gerakan trendy “Indonesia Unite” yang belakangan ini begitu marak dan penuh bangga diserukan. Pasalnya, saya tidak merasakan adanya kemerdekaan di negeri yang begitu cantik ini. Dan saya tidak mengerti definisi kemerdekaan macam apa yang dianut oleh kalian semua.

Yang jelas, definisi berikut ini sama sekali tidak masuk akal sehat saya, yakni bahwa kita telah “merdeka” dari para penjajah selama 65 tahun. Karena begitu definisi itu diberikan kepada saya, muncul pertanyaan berikutnya: siapa para penjajah itu? Dan kalian pun akan menjawab, “Belanda dan Jepang”. Lagi-lagi jawaban itu akan memicu pertanyaan lain: tapi bukankah justru sekarang makin banyak sumber daya alam kita yang sebagian besar dikuasai bangsa asing – Amerika yang telah mengerek timah, emas dan beragam logam mulia kita, Jepang dengan usaha raksasa budidaya mutiaranya di pesisir Maluku Selatan yang kemudian mereka akui sebagai milik mereka dan mereka pajang di Mikimoto Pearl Island, Cina yang telah menjadi surga penyelundupan kayu dan satwa langka kita, belum lagi Australia, Jerman, Perancis, Belanda, Inggris dan berbagai bangsa lain yang datang dalam berbagai bentuk dan upaya, untuk kembali menguasai setiap sudut dari negeri ini? “Oh, itu lain,” dalih kalian. “Itu merupakan bentuk-bentuk perdagangan global – global trade – bukan penjajahan.” Begitukah?

Jangan salah, saya bukan orang yang anti-Eropa atau anti-Jepang atau anti-Cina atau anti-apapun juga. Laptop yang saya pakai untuk mengetik artikel inipun adalah buatan negara Paman Obama, bermerek Dell. Lemari es, AC, water dispenser, kompor, microwave dan bahkan mobil saya adalah buatan Negeri Sakura. Begitu pula kamera kesayangan saya, Canon D10 yang anti-air, anti-beku dan anti-guncangan, adalah produk Jepang. Benda-benda lain buatan Italia, Cina, Jerman, Inggris dan Perancis juga ada di rumah saya. Belum lagi kosmetik dan beragam aksesori serta pernak-pernik fesyen yang saya miliki. Hampir semuanya buatan asing.

Tapi itulah. Sebagian besar benda-benda itu saya beli karena kualitasnya yang sangat baik dan pelayanan pasca penjualannya (after-sales service) yang memuaskan. Intinya, kita sama sekali tidak tahu (atau tidak mau tahu) bagaimana caranya mengelola negara kita yang kaya raya ini, mengambil hasilnya dengan berkelanjutan tanpa menghadapkan generasi mendatang pada masalah-masalah lingkungan, memproduksi barang-barang berkualitas tinggi, dan melayani konsumen – baik sebelum maupun sesudah membeli barang – secara profesional dan memuaskan.

Jadi ternyata kita BELUM MERDEKA DARI KEBODOHAN.

Kita lebih suka menjual materi mentah berupa kayu ke luar negeri, yang kemudian disulap dengan begitu cantiknya oleh para produsen mebel di sana, diberi merek dan diekspor kembali ke negara kita untuk kita beli lagi dalam harga yang begitu tinggi. Kita lebih suka mengirim materi mentah berupa kayu manis ke luar negeri, yang kemudian diracik menjadi makanan lezat seperti cinnamon roll yang diakui orang Eropa sebagai “penganan khas” mereka. Padahal, tanpa kayu manis dari Indonesia, namanya mungkin hanya “roll” saja. Kita lebih suka mengekspor materi mentah berupa daun teh ke luar negeri, yang kemudian menjadi favorit Ratu Inggris. Favoritisme ini dijadikan nilai jual yang luar biasa dan tentunya, kita di Indonesia pun berebut membelinya demi gengsi, tanpa sadar bahwa daun teh tersebut sesungguhnya berasal dari kawasan perkebunan asri di selatan Bandung sana. Terlalu banyak contoh-contoh lainnya yang tak mungkin saya sebutkan satu per satu. Sumber daya alam kita hanya sekedar “numpang tumbuh” dan “numpang terbenam” di jajaran kepulauan ini, untuk nantinya dikuras habis demi memperkaya negara lain.

Rakyat kita – selain segelintir orang-orang kaya di kota besar – dapat apa? Tidak dapat apa-apa. Sebagian besar hanya bekerja sebagai buruh. Miskin, bodoh dan berpikiran sempit, mereka dengan mudah dipengaruhi dan diiming-imingi untuk menjual tanahnya, hutannya, ladangnya, sawahnya dan kebunnya. Mau bagaimana lagi? Percuma juga mengajarkan benefit jangka panjang akan kelestarian alam, jika perut mereka lapar, anak mereka harus sekolah, saudara mereka sakit keras dan malam-malam mereka gelap gulita tanpa listrik dan tanpa kemungkinan menembus batas antara si miskin dan si kaya. Benefit jangka panjang versus profit saat ini juga. Jelas profit yang menang. Dan itulah yang dipergunakan perusahaan-perusahaan besar untuk merampas kekayaan yang seharusnya diperuntukkan bagi kesejahteraan seluruh bangsa. Dan yang lebih menyedihkan lagi, kini perusahaan-perusahaan itu tidak lagi semuanya milik bangsa asing. Perusahaan Indonesia pun sekarang melakukan pola “penjajahan” yang sama.

Ya, penjajahan itu kini dilakukan tak cuma oleh bangsa-bangsa asing yang sampai sekarang masih bercokol dan makin banyak di sini, melainkan juga oleh BANGSA KITA SENDIRI! Hanya saja bentuknya lain. Tidak lagi dengan todongan senjata dan kekerasan fisik, melainkan dengan intelektualitas tinggi. Intelektualitas yang seharusnya kita gunakan untuk menyejahterakan sesama, justru kita pakai untuk memperkaya diri sendiri.

Jadi ternyata, kita BELUM MERDEKA DARI PENJAJAHAN.

Selain itu, mari kita tengok angka pengangguran di negara ini, atau jumlah siswa-siswi di bangku sekolah, atau jumlah sarana dan tenaga medis, atau ketersediaan air bersih, listrik dan bahan makanan pokok di seluruh penjuru negeri. Pilih salah satu. Angka-angka itu tidak berteriak, “MERDEKA!” Sebaliknya, keluh lirih dan air mata pedih yang tercermin di sana. Mahalnya pendidikan dan layanan kesehatan yang menjadi HAK seluruh bangsa menjadi cermin keterpurukan kita, 65 tahun setelah kita… katanya… “merdeka”. Pelosok-pelosok tanpa air bersih yang memadai, aliran listrik dan bahan makanan pokok yang mencukupi menjadi cermin kemunafikan kita, 65 tahun setelah kita… katanya… “merdeka”.

Jadi ternyata, kita BELUM MERDEKA DARI KEMISKINAN.

Dan di tengah KEBODOHAN, PENJAJAHAN, dan KEMISKINAN itu, beberapa kelompok masih saja meributkan masalah pornografi dan konsumsi minuman beralkohol, yang semuanya dikaitkan dengan agama, dalam hal ini agama Islam. Jangan menuduh dulu. Saya juga tidak anti-Islam. Sebagian besar anggota keluarga saya beragama Islam. Tapi yang benar saja... Membahas baju apa yang layak dipakai, khususnya untuk kaum Hawa dan melarang penjualan alkohol di bulan Ramadhan? Untuk apa itu? Jadi, di luar bulan Ramadhan, umat Islam boleh minum alkohol? Bukankah seharusnya kalian yang mengaku Muslim memang tidak selayaknya mengkonsumsi alkohol, baik di bulan Ramadhan atau bukan? Bukankah tidak ada bedanya antara bar ditutup atau dibuka, karena seharusnya kalian TIDAK berada di sana? Jadi, kalau ke pantai kita-kita kaum wanita ini harus berbusana serba tertutup? Jadi, tanpa menutupi rambut dengan jilbab, kita tak bisa masuk surga? Kalau Tuhan memang sejahat itu, saya sih tidak mau lagi menyembahNya. Tapi saya yakin, Tuhan tidak jahat. Tuhan itu baik, dan karena Dia baik, dia pasti tertawa terpingkal-pingkal dengan cara manusia menerjemahkan keinginan-keinginanNya.

Jadi ternyata, kita BELUM MERDEKA DARI POLA PIKIR DOGMATIS.

Dan di tengah KEBODOHAN, PENJAJAHAN, dan KEMISKINAN itu, kurikulum pendidikan di sekolah-sekolah makin tidak masuk akal. Peraturan-peraturan makin tidak masuk akal. Kewajiban masuk jam 6.30 pagi di Jakarta “untuk menghindari macet” itu sangat tidak manusiawi. Kurikulum yang begitu berat, tapi hanya menyentuh ilmu-ilmu di “permukaan” saja, sama sekali tidak mencerdaskan. Guru-guru yang tidak bertindak sebagai pendidik, melainkan sekedar mengajar agar dapur mengebul, sama sekali tidak mencerahkan. Sistem “Ujian Akhir Nasional” yang menerapkan standarisasi, padahal sekolah-sekolah kita maupun tenaga-tenaga pendidik kita sama sekali belum standar, adalah sebuah pelecehan intelektual. Anak-anak yang seharusnya kita pacu untuk suka belajar justru menjadi malas dan kian sering memberontak, berbohong, menyontek dan melakukan hal-hal lain untuk membuat hidup mereka di tengah ketololan bangsa ini lebih bisa ditoleransi. Dan untuk itu, mereka kita hukum. Aneh.

Jadi ternyata, kita BELUM MERDEKA DARI KEPICIKAN.

Dan di tengah KEBODOHAN, PENJAJAHAN, dan KEMISKINAN itu, kalian… akhirnya… menyerukan gerakan “Indonesia Bersatu” atau “Indonesia Unite”. Saya bersama ini berterima kasih kepada para pelaku bom JW Marriott dan Ritz Carlton Jakarta, karena ternyata perlu tindakan sekeji itu untuk menyadarkan kita bahwa kita harus bersatu. Tidak semua orang mampu bertindak sekejam itu, tapi ternyata hanya kekejamanlah yang mampu membangunkan bangsa ini. Sebuah ironisme yang membuat saya geleng-geleng kepala takjub. Begitu pula saat negara tetangga kita, Malaysia, mengklaim batik sebagai hasil kreatifitas mereka. Tiba-tiba bangsa ini bangkit, marah luar biasa dan mulai mempromosikan, membeli dan mengenakan segala gaya batik pada setiap kesempatan. Saya bersama ini berterima kasih pada Malaysia, karena ternyata perlu sebuah tamparan yang memalukan untuk membangunkan kebanggaan bangsa ini terhadap kreasi seni dan budayanya sendiri. Sebuah ironisme yang membuat saya makin percaya bahwa mungkin memang sudah seharusnya kita dikejami dan dilecehkan, karena hanya kekejaman dan pelecehan yang NYATA yang sepertinya mampu membangunkan kita. Kalau begitu, bukankah sebaiknya kita kembali dijajah saja?

Jadi, maafkan saya jika saya satu-satunya yang tidak mengucapkan “Happy Independence Day” hari ini ataupun berteriak lantang, “MERDEKA!!!” maupun ikut-ikutan memakai lambang merah-putih sebagai tanda solidaritas dan keikutsertaan saya dalam gerakan trendy “Indonesia Unite” yang belakangan ini begitu marak dan penuh bangga diserukan. Karena menurut saya, kita BELUM MERDEKA.

beyond comprehension

2009-07-21T14:33:00.001+07:00

this is...
beyond comprehension
beyond my intellectual capacity
beyond my usual spiritual sign-reading ability
beyond grasp...

A Personal Tribute to MJ

2009-06-27T18:18:00.026+07:00

Oh baby give me one more chance
(show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
(back in your heart)
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go
(let you go baby)
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)

I was just 5-month old when The Jackson 5’s first single for Motown, titled “I Want You Back”, was officially released. It was October 7, 1969. The song was an amazing hit, going to number 1 on the US chart, knocking The Beatles’ hit “Let It Be” out of the top spot. It also went to number 2 in the UK and it was selling over 4 million copies globally. Yes MJ, I was only 5-month old. Little that you know, that this 5-month old baby would be one of your biggest fans. Little that you know, that today, on June 26, 2009, on the day you passed away, there’s nothing that I want more than to have you back. MJ, I want you back. Yes, I do…

ABC
Easy as…
123
Or simple as…
Do re mi, ABC, 123
Baby, you and me!

The group’s second single, “ABC”, was released in February 1970. Then the second album, also titled “ABC”, was released in May 1970. I was 1 year old. Yet in 1978 (I was 9), when I heard this song for the first time, I instantly fell in love with it. “ABC” was the first of The Jackson 5’s songs that I listened to. Your angelic voice, combined with catchy and fun lyrics, had captured my heart forever. No wonder it went, again, to number 1 in the US, number 8 in the UK and sold a massive 4.1 million copies worldwide. Ever since then, I’ve been your fan. I sang it and danced to it every chance I got. It was then when I started collecting all of your other songs. And ever since then, loving and respecting your music and showmanship has been as easy as 123, or as simple as do re mi. ABC, 123, baby, you and me!

Don’t blame it on the sunshine
Don’t blame it on the moonlight
Don’t blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie

It was also in 1978 that you and The Jackson 5 released an upbeat and so-fun-to-dance-to disco song “Blame It On The Boogie”. Written by a German-born Yorkshireman singer-songwriter, Mick Jackson, the song was originally intended for Stevie Wonder. It was played for the first time at the 1978 Midem Music Festival in Cannes, France, and a member of The Jackson 5’s entourage was there searching for tracks. Amazed by the name coincidence and impressed by the track itself, he secretly taped it and went back to the States so the band could record it as quickly as possible before Mick's version was released. There was a race to release the tracks - it was called “The Battle of the Boogie” in the newspapers and it was perfect press material: 2 “Michael Jacksons”, 2 versions of “Blame It On The Boogie”. The songs were out within days of each other and it was one of the rare occasions in the modern day that artists charted the same time with the same song. Some fans preferred Mick Jackson's more soulful version. But just like millions of your fans around the world, I personally preferred your more up-tempo dance-worthy version! Don’t blame the other version, don’t blame the sneaky track-stealing entourage, don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame it on the good times, just blame it on the boogie!

Girl, close your eyes
Let that rhythm get into you
Don't try to fight it
There ain't nothin' that you can do
Relax your mind
Lay back and groove with mine
You got to feel that heat
And we can ride the boogie
Share that beat of love

I wanna rock with you (all night)
Dance you into day (sunlight)
I wanna rock with you (all night)
We're gonna rock the night away

And don’t blame me for getting more and more addicted to your music… ‘Cause by the time I was 10, I was uncontrollably captivated and obsessed with you. The year was 1979. It was the year when you released the album “Off The Wall” as a solo artist. No longer part of the Jackson 5, your open-hearted sweet innocent voice, sexy lyrics and insistently upbeat hit on that album, “Rock With You”, totally hypnotized me and summarized everything that made YOU, Michael Jackson, matter. The song sold 7 million copies in the US and more than 20 million copies worldwide. And I closed my eyes, let the rhythm get into me, and rocked the night away. I wanna rock with you, all night…

It’s close to midnight and something evil lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,
You’re paralyzed

’Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about strike
You know it’s thriller, thriller night
You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight

Then came the big bang. It was 1982. I was 13 and I was officially a teenager. It was the start of my rebellion. I was against everything – religions, authorities, norms, traditional Asian values, parents, teachers, rules, regulations – everything. It was the year when my entire music scene changed. I started listening to hard rock and heavy metal, leaving the jazzier, more soulful and poignant music behind. Yet I couldn’t leave you. Not when you released your best-selling album of all time, “Thriller”. In the midst of all my efforts to negate and denounce the world, I couldn’t deny that only you, Michael Jackson, could do so much so quickly to obscure the ass-shaking, barrier-breaking brilliance of music. And I had to shake my ass to your music once again. ’Cause this is thriller, thriller night…

They told him don’t you ever come around here
Don’t wanna see your face, you better disappear
The fire’s in their eyes and their words are really clear
So beat it, just beat it

You better run, you better do what you can
Don’t wanna see no blood, don’t be a macho man
You wanna be tough, better do what you can
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin’ how funky strong is your fight
It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it

Also on the album “Thriller”, your song “Beat It” quickly stole my heart. This was a song that could relate to my unrelenting mutiny. A song that fitted in perfectly with the violent, vindictive world that I embraced. The energetic beat and etched-in-your-mind lyrics served me as ways to reject or rebel against the orthodoxies of the world. And of course, it once again dominated the pop charts, while I put on leather jackets and tight pants, and learned every dance move. ‘Cause I wanna be bad. Just beat it, beat it!

Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Two other tracks that I loved and still do from the “Thriller” album are “Billie Jean” and “The Girl Is Mine”. By the time these two songs hit the charts, I had a boyfriend already. And we both loved these songs. Madly in love and just newly tasted the euphoria of affection, we found “Billie Jean” naughtily adorable and “The Girl Is Mine” irresistibly sweet. These two songs quickly became OUR songs. We played them and danced to them at nearly every party, every time we were high on marijuana, and every time we had too much to drink. They became the symbol of both our love and rebellion, while “Thriller”, then, blew open all doors – reportedly selling more than 100 million copies all over the world and winning a record-breaking 7 Grammy Awards. By the way, that boyfriend later became my husband and the father of my two children. My name is not Billie Jean, but I had become his lover ever since. I guess I have to thank you, MJ! This girl became his girl. The girl is mine, the doggone girl is mine, I know she’s mine…

Well they say the sky’s the limit
And to me that’s really true
But my friend you have seen nothing
Just wait 'til I get through

Because I'm bad, I'm bad – come on
You know I'm bad, I'm bad – you know it
You know I'm bad, I'm bad – come on, you know
And the whole world has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again,
Who's bad…

Five years later, in 1987, I graduated from high school. I was 18 and officially an adult. I intentionally screwed up all my university entrance tests in Indonesia so that my parents would send me to the States to continue my study. And they did. So off to Salt Lake City I went, claiming my independence and freedom once and for all. I was bad. And right at that moment, on September 7, 1987, your album “Bad” was released. Perfect timing! Well, they say the sky’s the limit and to me that’s really true. But my friend, you have seen nothing. Just wait ‘til I get through. Because I’m bad!

Annie are you OK?
So, Annie are you OK?
Are you OK Annie?
You've been hit by
You've been struck by – a smooth criminal

In the States, for the first time in my life, I fitted in and had no more reasons to rebel. The Western world seemed to reserve this one perfect slot for me where I just had to be me. And just like many young adults living in the States, I quickly caught the MTV fever. I was part of the original MTV generation. And the song “Smooth Criminal”, released on October 24, 1988 from the album “Bad”, was played on MTV over and over again. The powerful dance performance and video mastery had me spellbound. It was like being in your presence, experiencing your energy and having the chance to move with the greatest dancers and entertainers of all time. You were not only a musical genius; you were a music video visionary. “Smooth Criminal” had further secured your place as the King of Pop and as the great innovator of early MTV. I was proud to be part of that era, ‘because I’ve been struck by a smooth criminal…

Hey pretty baby with the high heels on
You give me fever like I’ve never ever known
You're just a product of loveliness
I like the groove of your walk, your talk, your dress
I feel your fever from miles around
I’ll pick you up in my car and we’ll paint the town
Just kiss me baby and tell me twice
That you’re the one for me

The way you make me feel
You really turn me on
You knock me off of my feet
My lonely days are gone

Your hit album “Bad” also contained the greatest love songs of all time. Produced by Quincy Jones and yourself, “The Way You Make Me Feel” reached the top in its tenth week, for one week. It was the third consecutive number 1 single from that album. The single spent 6 weeks in the top 10, 9 weeks in the top 20 and 13 weeks in the top 40. But it has spent a lifetime in my heart just because the way you make me feel, you really turn me on, you knock me off of my feet, my lonely days are gone…

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could’ve been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and make a change

The socio-political and economic world of the late 1980s was also a source of inspiration to you. Determined to encourage people to stand up for what they believed in and make a change, the song “Man In The Mirror” simply did just that. At least for me, the song had left me both inspired and enlightened. Changes were what I had been striving for all my life. The hypocritical and narrow-minded views, based on certain religion or race or gender, were everything I had been fighting against. But when I dared to make a change to myself, converted to another religion, believed in different yet more sensible things, and continued to do whatever my heart told me to do regardless of my gender, I was labeled rebel instead. And so this song meant so much to me. It provided a way to tell everyone, “I told you so.” It provided me with a justification. That if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make a change!

They print my message in the Saturday sun
I had to tell them I ain’t second to none
And I told about equality and it’s true
Either you’re wrong or you’re right
But, if you’re thinkin’ about my baby
It don’t matter if you’re black or white

I am tired of this devil
I am tired of this stuff
I am tired of this business
Sew when the going gets rough
I ain’t scared of your brother
I ain’t scared of no sheets
I ain’t scare of nobody
Girl when the goin’ gets mean

I already had a 2-year old daughter, Cassandra Niki, when you released your next album “Dangerous” in 1991. Yes, at a very young age of 22, I had become a mother. It seemed that your mission to make strong statements in your songs had only become stronger and more focused. Forcing to bring racial issues that confronted America to the surface, you released the single “Black or White” in November 1991. Slash of Guns N' Roses played the guitar intro for the song. Your music video of this song featured a morphing technique that was very innovative at the time. Macaulay Culkin and George Wendt (Norm from the sitcom Cheers) appeared in it, as well as Tyra Banks before she gained supermodel status. As expected, the video got a lot of hype. It premiered on MTV, BET, and Fox at the exact same time. It was perhaps the most controversial video ever recorded by you. It showed you in the full length video dancing and destroying all things racist, including a swastika used by the Nazis. I LOVED IT!

Ironically, also at this time, some of your fans turned out to be your worst critics. As your face was reshaped, so was their image of you. But to me, your music was always bigger than your missteps and more transformative than your eccentricities. To me, a genius like you had EVERY RIGHT to be as weird as you wanted to be. In fact, I’m glad you were weird, because I’m weird too and proud of it! If you’re thinkin’ about my baby, it don’t matter if you’re black or white. And it also don’t matter if you’re weird…

There’s a place in your heart and I know that it is love
And this place could be much brighter than tomorrow
And if you really try you’ll find there’s no need to cry
In this place you’ll feel there’s no hurt or sorrow

There are ways to get there
If you care enough for the living
Make a little space
Make a better place

Heal the world, make it a better place
For you and for me and the entire human race
There are people dying, if you care enough for the living
Make a better place for you and for me

Ignoring the critics, your strong messages continued. Along with my favorite single “Heal The World”, you set up the Heal The World Foundation in 1992. The foundation has focused on children, aiming for their safe and healthy development to be the world's priority. It aims to make the world aware of the rights and needs of all children around the world. It also helps improve the world we live in, without violence and free of diseases. “Heal The World” is a song that never fails to bring tears to my eyes. The power of this song HAS actually healed the world. Thanks to you, MJ! Heal the world, make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race.

Do you remember when we fell in love
We were so young and innocent then
Do you remember how it all began
It just seemed like heaven, so why did it end?

Do you remember back in the fall
We’d be together all day long
Do you remember us holding hands
In each other's eyes we’d stare

Do you remember the time when we fell in love?
Do you remember the time when we fell in love?
Do you remember the time when we fell in love?
Do you remember the time?

Of course it wouldn’t be YOU if you didn’t include love songs in the album. Everyone’s much loved ballad on the “Dangerous” album had to be “Remember The Time”, released in early Spring 1992. The song was a classic attempt of a New Jack Swing-flavored R&B jam. The music video was awesome too! As for some of your past songs, the music video for “Remember the Time” was an elaborate production. Set in ancient Egypt, it featured groundbreaking visual effects and appearances by Eddie Murphy, Iman, and Magic Johnson. And in my personal life, it was a song that marked another turning point in my life. On this, I can’t elaborate. But now that you’re in heaven, I’m sure you know what I mean. Do you remember the time when we fell in love?

Somebody please have mercy
’Cause I just cant take it
Stop pressurin me
Just stop pressurin me
Stop pressurin me
Make me wanna scream

A chance of a lifetime came in November 1996, approximately a year after you released the album “HIStory: Past, Present And Future Book 1”. The commanding duet with your sister Janet, titled “Scream”, had been released for several months. I no longer lived in the States. I was in New Zealand, working for Electronic Data Systems in Wellington. My husband was still studying towards his degree in Auckland. We already had two kids. Cassey was 7 years old and our youngest daughter, Sky Dwi-Drupadi, was 3 years old. The chance of a lifetime was YOUR CONCERT! I can’t remember now how much the tickets had cost us. But I remember both my husband and I insisted that we had to see you live, no matter what. Leaving Sky at home with some friends to babysit her, we took Cassey with us to her first concert ever. She was excited. But I was a zillion times more excited than her. I grew up with your songs. I grew up idolizing you. I grew up dancing and singing with you. So there we were at the Ericsson Stadium in Auckland, November 1996. We finally watched you perform on stage during your “HIStory World Tour”! You had such stage presence, vocal and dancing ability and soul. We were drawn to you. We had no choice but to sing along and dance with you all through the concert. I can’t remember how much I screamed hysterically that night. But I remember that I lost my voice the next day. Hahaha… It was simply a dream come true! Make me wanna scream!

Have you seen my childhood?
I’m searching for the world that I come from
’Cause I’ve been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
’Cause I keep kidding around like a child,
But pardon me...

I know the single “Childhood” was one of your most personal songs ever written. I know it was about you. But the funny thing is, I could totally relate to it. I bet everyone could relate to it too. If they say they don’t, then they must be big fat liars! Well, personally, my childhood wasn’t all bad. I had a comfortable life. But being born an Indonesian, an Asian, and being brought up as an Indonesian, an Asian, in Indonesia, in Asia, had the disadvantages, especially for an extra-curious kid like I was. It was actually frustrating for me. I couldn’t accept many of the things they taught me. And as a result, my own childhood was miserable, full of punishments and weird looks from everyone around me. And so I could totally relate to this song. People do that to you. Just because we do things differently, look at things differently, and believe in different things, they judge us. They hate us. They talk about us. I could totally relate to that. Have you seen my childhood?

Another day has gone
I’m still all alone
How could this be?
You’re not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold?

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you’re far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You’re always in my heart
And you are not alone

To be honest, I didn’t start liking this song until much later. You see, MJ… My husband passed away in 1999, just 3 years after we saw your live performance in Auckland. It was the worst year of my life. And the years that followed were the darkest years of my life. It took me a long time to finally accept that he was gone. There were even times when I contemplated suicide. The thought of my children was the only thing that stopped me. For a year after his death, I started my every day crying and ended my every day crying. I don’t remember when exactly I heard this song again, the single “You Are Not Alone” that you released in August 1995. But I remember it instantly made me feel better. In time, I gradually healed. And this song played an important role towards initiating that healing process. It had made me realized that I was not alone. You are not alone, for I am here with you, though we’re far apart, you’re always in my heart, and you are not alone.

What have we done to the world?
Look what we've done!
What about all the peace that you pledge
Your only son…
What about flowering fields?
Is there a time?
What about all the dreams
That you said was yours and mine?
Did you ever stop to notice?
All the children dead from war
Did you ever stop to notice?
The crying Earth, the weeping shores!

The single “Earth Song” was also on your album “HIStory: Past, Present And Future Book 1”. But unlike “You Are Not Alone” that didn’t immediately impress me at the start, this song made a great instantaneous impact on me. I’ve always been an environmentalist, a conservationist. The Earth for me is a source of life, knowledge, love, joy and pleasure. Seeing more and more human beings remove themselves from nature as if they’re not elements of nature themselves always disgust me. Seeing more and more human beings exploit nature greedily for profit always anger me. Seeing more and more human beings lose respect for Earth that has provided them with life always sadden me. So this song has become MY ALL TIME FAVORITE. You giftedly captured everything I’d been wanting to say to the world. What have we done to the world? Look what we've done!

Keep on with the force don’t stop
Don’t stop ‘til you get enough
Keep on with the force don’t stop
Don’t stop ‘til you get enough
Keep on with the force don’t stop
Don’t stop ‘til you get enough
Keep on with the force don’t stop
Don’t stop ‘til you get enough

Last but not least, MJ… I truly believe that you were the biggest solo star since Elvis Presley. You had a notable impact on music and culture throughout the world while also tearing down social barriers and paving the way for modern pop music and the concept of the modern pop star globally. You were an extremely important figure in the history of popular culture, a person with planetary influence, and one of the most famous humans who ever lived. I am honored to have grown up listening to your music and watching your extraordinary brilliance. I guess now you’ve had enough. So you left the world and went home to the house of the Lord where I know you will never suffer again. But the magical force of your music will live on forever, for as long as this planet is still here. Because we will never have enough of you. Keep on with the force, don’t stop, don’t stop ‘til you get enough!

I just can’t stop loving you
I just can’t stop loving you
And if I stop, then tell me just what will I do

And for all those reasons, for your courage and determination, for your brilliance, for your love, for your music and clever lyrics, I just can’t stop loving you, MJ. And if I stop, then tell me just what will I do?

Goodbye and good luck on your journey, your final metamorphosis. Please send my love to my husband, as I know he will be one of the first who welcomes you in Heaven. Your music will stay and will always be able to draw me – with each chirpy, stuttering reminiscence – right out onto the dance floor. I’m going to rock with you ‘til I have to go on my final metamorphosis one day.

SURAT BUAT SI JAMET

2009-06-26T01:33:00.005+07:00

Hey Bo… Apa kabar cintaku? Jijik gak gw? Hahaha… jangan muntah di surga, nanti Yesus, Nabi Muhammad dan Buddha Gautama ngomel-ngomel. Belom lagi uncle Bob Marley dan tante Marilyn Monroe… Ok, ok… gak pake cinta-cintaan deh… Pengen ngobrol aja…

Ini gara-gara Illa… Dia abis ng-upload foto jadul kita di NZ ke facebook. Ada elo di situ. Ada gw jugalah pastinya, kalo gak mah pasti gw udah delete fotonya… Foto yang gak ada gw-nya gak penting buat dipajang… Hehehe… Tetep narsis dooong… Yes, I’m still your beloved narcissistic girl… Forever will be deh pokoknya!

Anyway, sumpah mati gw gak inget ini foto kapan dan di mana. Di Auckland kayaknya ya? Dan sebagian besar yang ada di foto ini gw udah gak inget siapa… Kecuali Illa… Sama elo… Dan gw… Oh, of course gw inget David, cowonya Illa… Sekarang mereka udah married lho… Dan yang jelas, foto ini bikin gw… kangen…

Jangan GR lo… Kangen bukan berarti gw nangis-nangis bombay kayak dulu… Gw udah gak pernah nangis lagi kalo inget elo… Yang ada malah senyum-senyum bego… Inget betapa resenya elo dulu… Heran, kok gw bisa cinta ya? Hahaha…

Kenapa gw kangen? Secara di rumah juga foto lo masih dipajang ama nyokap… Gede bener pula! Well, karena di foto ini… you were sooo… you… Elo banget gitu loh… The guy I fell in love with… Gondrong dan METAAAALLLL sekaleeee… I really miss you this way… Sangar dan preman abis dengan rambut lo yang kayak Lion King itu… Udah keriting, tetep maksa harus gondrong… Ya begitu deh jadinya muka lo…

Eh, by the way, lo tau facebook gak? Pas lo meninggal, facebook belom ada. Nih ya gw jelasin… facebook itu kayak ajang networking gitu, tapi lewat internet… Ajang narsis juga deh… Cocok buat gw!!! Jadi kita tuh bikin account gitu di facebook… Di situ kita bisa masukin semua-semuanya tentang kita… Nama, alamat, nomer telepon, tanggal lahir, relationship status, buku favorit, musik favorit, semuanya deeehhh… Bisa komplit sekomplit-komplitnya … Or bisa pelit info sepelit-pelitnya … Tergantung seberapa banyak kita mau orang lain tau tentang kita… Nah, abis itu, kita bisa add temen kita or add siapa aja yang kita maulah pokoknya… Bisa ketemu temen dari jaman baheula gitu di situ… And punya temen-temen baru… Kadang ada untungnya, karena kita jadi silaturahmi lagi sama temen-teman lama, punya banyak kenalan baru dan bisa dapet banyak opportunity buat cari duit juga… Malah ada juga yang bisa jadian segala gara-gara facebook lho… BUKAN!!! BUKAN GW… curiga aja deh!

Tapi yah, kadang nyebelin juga… Banyak orang yang jadi sok akrab gitu… Mentang-mentang dulu satu sekolah, terus dikit-dikit ngajak ngobrol… Padahal jaman dulu, gw gak pernah tuh ngobrol ama dia… Inget aja nggak dia siapa (maklum, dulu kan gw lumayan ngetop toh? Orang kenal gw, tapi gw belom tentu kenal orang… hehehe… belagu abiiiissss…) Kalo diladenin, jadi ngelunjak and makin sering ninggalin message di facebook… Kalo didiemin, dibilang sombong… Ribet jadinya… Tapi gw udah nemuin cara supaya orang-orang kayak gini gak ganggu lagi, tapi juga gak tau kalo gw cuekin… Percuma dong gw jadi computer scientist kalo yang beginian doang gw gak bisa atasin… Hahaha… Mahal-mahal disekolahin di luar negeri, ujung-ujungnya cuma buat beginian doang… Bodo ah…

Nah di facebook inilah gw ketemu Illa lagi… Dan Iddo, Ista, Indra, Ben, Tora, Anggi, Phumin, dan semua temen-temen kita di NZ dulu… Terus Illa ng-upload foto kita ini deh… Yang bikin gw jadi kangen…

Banyaklah pokoknya yang udah berubah selama 10 tahun lo pulang ke rumah Tuhan… World Trade Center di NY udah gak ada, ditabrak dua pesawat yang dibajak orang-orang gila yang sok-sok mau jihad… Komputer dan internet sekarang udah jadi kebutuhan… Ke mana aja orang-orang? Dari dulu padahal dua hal itu udah jadi kebutuhan gw ya? Sampe elo sering gw cuekin… Sampe lo bilang kalo “suami pertama” gw adalah komputer, lo cuma suami kedua… Hahaha… Kita udah ganti presiden tauk deh berapa kali… Gw udah gak ngitung, karena udah gak peduli… Kalo soal ini, gak ada yang berubah, Bo… This country still sucks, no matter who the president is…

Bumi tambah panas, Bo… But I’m sure you know that better than anyone who is still living on this planet, karena lo pasti sekarang bisa liat dengan jelas kebodohan manusia yang masih dibolehin hidup ini … Tapi seperti biasa, sebagian besar orang gak sadar-sadar… Hutan kita tambah abis, diganti jadi perkebunan kelapa sawit… Satwa kita mulai punah satu-satu, diganti sama sawah, ladang, perumahan, jalanan dan gedung-gedung tinggi… Laut kita tambah kotor dan najis gak keruan… Kalo lo pikir dulu AIDS udah serem, sekarang daftar penyakit tambah ajaib… Ada SAR, ada flu burung, ada flu babi dan gak tau apalagi… Parah deh pokoknya… Saking parahnya, ada prediksi bahwa tahun 2012 semua es yang ada di muka bumi ini bakal mencair… Dan kita semua bakal mati… Kiamat, Bo… Bener gak sih? Tanyain dong sama Tuhan… Trus kasih tau gw yah… Sometimes I envy you… Ngiri karena lo udah gak perlu lagi mikirin ini semua…

Gw sih gak pa-pa ya kiamat tahun 2012… Toh gw jadi bisa ketemu lo lagi… Tapi kasian Cassey ama Sky… (Iya, Cassey ngotot nulis namanya begini, pake dua huruf “s” di tengahnya… bukan Casey seperti nama yang kita kasih dulu… Sok keren dia, padahal di Indonesia tetep aja orang-orang nyebutnya “Kesi”) Cassey terutama, si bawel satu itu, udah ngomel-ngomel pas denger kemungkinan kiamat tahun 2012… “Aku baru 23 tahun dong… Dan belom kawin…” Trus gw bilang, “Ya udah kawin aja sekarang.” Tapi pas gw tantangin begitu, dia jawabannya, “Emoh!” Lha… Piye tha? Sementara Sky, just like you, diem aja… Sejak Cassey kuliah di Jogja (udah tau kan lo? Dia ke makam khusus untuk ngasih tau lo), rumah jadi sepi… Soalnya Sky gak pernah cerita apa-apa… Elo banget deh pokoknya! Kalo gak ditanya, dia cuek aja gitu, gak pernah “A”, “B”, “C”, apa kek gitu… Giliran ditanya, jawabnya juga cuma sepotong-sepotong … Asal… Seenak jidatnya… Sekenanya… Apa yang ada di ujung lidahnya aja… She’s so YOU! She’s driving me nuts sometimes… HELP!

Gw jalan-jalan melulu beberapa tahun belakangan ini… But I’m sure you know that already… Coz every time I see an eagle, I remember you and send a little prayer for you… Dan gw inget, lo selalu bilang, “Belajar dari alam, Nyil…” You were right… Semuanya ada di alam… Kayak buku yang kebuka, tinggal dibaca… Thanks for that ya!

Anyway, Bo… gw seneng lo udah happy di sana… Lagi ngapain sekarang? Nyimeng sama uncle Bob ya? Ih, sirik deh gw… Salam ya… Buat semua orang-orang keren yang jadi inspirasi kita… Jadi inspirasi gw… Foto ini akan gw pajang terus di blog ini, satu lagi “hal baru” di internet sebagai ajang narsis gw, ajang curhat, ajang marah-marah, ajang nyela-nyela orang, ajang gosip, ajang bagi-bagi informasi dan ilmu, ajang berkreasi paling top so far… Foto ini bikin gw inget elo, kangen elo… Inget si gondrong metal yang hatinya Rinto abis… My best friend… Iya, iya, I’m not gonna get mellow again… Takut bener sih lo???

Yang jelas, foto ini elo banget… si JAMET… Apa itu Jamet? Well, ini istilah dari Cassey, jadi jangan salahin gw… Omelin tuh anak lo… Menurut dia, elo itu… JAWA METAL… Hahaha!!! Baik-baik lo di sana ya… Visit us in our dreams some time, ok? Ttyl, Bo… (Aduuuh… jangan nanya deh ttyl apaan… gak gaul ah!)

See you when I see you, Jamet! Love ya!

- Unyil -

Coincidence vs. Trap

2009-06-24T23:57:00.005+07:00

“Do you believe in coincidence?”

“Nope. Do you?”

“Not a bit.”

“There is no such thing as a coincidence.”

“Agreed. Everything happens for a reason.”

*****

She couldn’t remember now what started that conversation. There, while sitting on the fabulous white beach of Kerora, on one of the shores of Rinca Island in Komodo National Park, the conversation just suddenly started. She had heard a lot about the man next to her, that he was loud and he was hard-headed and he was tough and he was rough and he was a bit nasty, that the words that came out of his mouth were never filtered. She just barely knew him then, she had known him for only a couple of days when he offered her to take a two-day speedboat ride with him around the protected Park, visiting all of the nine ranger stations in it. She didn’t know whether he was trying to be nice, or whether he was just testing her guts. After all, she was a city girl with her city looks and her city attitude. He probably thought he would do her a favor by speeding up her decision to quit and go back to her comfort zone in the city. But of course he didn’t know who she was either. She was a city girl with her city looks and her city attitude, but nature was always home sweet home to her, no matter how rough it was. She didn’t know what he was thinking. She didn’t think. She just went ahead with him. Not to impress him. Not to impress anyone. But to actually enjoy the Park before the real work started. Kerora was the second station they visited. And after that conversation, they became best friends for life. Along with a few other staff who worked in Park, they had become family. That simple conversation on Kerora Beach had formed a bond that was unbroken forever.

No, nothing was a coincidence. And no, there wasn’t anything romantic about the story. But that conversation turned her life around. Up until that moment, she always thought she was the only one who believed that there was no coincidence. All of her friends in the city usually laughed at her when she got too “deep”. “You’re too weird!” they would say. Now she finally met someone else who was just as weird. Someone who also believed that everything happened for a reason. No, there wasn’t anything romantic about the story. There was no falling in love stuff or anything like that. It was simply a confirmation. An answer she had been waiting for. While the best fuel for some trips was pure adrenaline, hers was a calming, reassuring confirmation that she had made the right decision and had come to right place. Nothing was a coincidence indeed!

Yet, if nothing was a coincidence and everything happened for a reason, then what was the reason for meeting an eagle?

*****

For the first time, she couldn’t thoroughly enjoy the magical blend of ancient wisdom and pure energy of nature, this perfect combination of the rough and the gentle, as she usually did. Her eyes and her heart were two elements of her body that were somehow out of control today. While her eyes stole frequent glances, watching curiously yet subtly, her heart raced as if she just ran long distance. A delicious sense of peace enfolded every time she caught his eyes. Here, in the center of this incredible scenery, in the middle of this windswept sea, she looked up to the blue cloudless sky and said a short prayer, “Better not be a trap. Promise me that, please Lord.”

It had been several months now that her office was not an ordinary office. She worked in the impressive 1,817 square kilometers of spectacular set of scattered barren islands and astonishing marine wilderness of Komodo National Park. While the place didn’t define luxury, convenience and comfort, it was still home sweet home. She always believed that here one could find what one might not expect. The atmosphere was mystical. The spirits of the Earth seemed to love living and amusing themselves here. Any prayer would be answered. Any wish would come true. Moreover, this is one of the best dive destinations on the planet. Every prayer made underwater, among the rich and colorful coral reefs, amid mangroves and sea grass beds, surrounded by abundant oceanic animals, seamounts and semi-enclosed bays, should and would be answered. And the answer would always be ‘Yes’. She believed that. “I must have faith. I must believe that,” she thought. God didn’t create such a supernatural place for natural purposes. He couldn’t. Magic must exist here.

Pretending to free her face from her own hair that had been blown wildly by the wind, she glanced again. He was busy. The speedboat was now parked on a sleepy coast of one of the biggest islands here, Papagaran Island. In one leap, he jumped off the boat and landed smoothly on the sand. Then he walked aimlessly on the beach, capturing frame after frame of the splendor nature offered in the blue morning of June. And why did she capture him in her heart? She didn’t know. She didn’t even know him. This was absurd. She shook her head. “Wake up, wake up, snap out of it,” she ordered herself quietly. But her heart didn’t listen. And her eyes turned and marched back in the direction where he went. She followed him with her eyes all the way until he returned to the boat. And the journey continued in this remote yet beautiful frontier. The wind blew wildly, messing up her hair once again. She didn’t mind. With her hair all over the place, it was easier to stare at him and smile every once in a while.

Just after 9.30am, the speedboat arrived at the first dive spot, a location that was known as manta ray aggregation site. It was the perfect time during rising tide. These graceful and stingless giant ‘eagles’ of the sea could usually be found while drift diving along the eastern face of the reef, just around 10 to 15-meter deep. She had never seen them before, so she was quite excited at the prospect. She put on her dive gear and her eyes, again, traveled to him. He was also putting on his dive gear. She smiled, wondering whether they would indeed see any manta today. She really hoped they would. It would be a good sign. She was sure of it. And while waiting for everybody to get ready, gentle waves rocked the small speedboat and the sound of it played harmony against a rhythm of occasional flaps of birds, mild flutters of rising sea, soft whistle of wind and the reverberation of another boat passing by in a distant. Like a perfect love song, there was a blush-worthy sensuality about it that no one could probably pull off any other day. It was a great day for a dive. It was a great day to meet him. It was one of the most mind-blowing paradises on the face of the Earth. This was a good sign. She was sure of it.

“I’ve come down with a cold today. I can’t go too deep,” he told the divemaster.

“We won’t be deep diving. We wouldn’t be able to find mantas in the deep,” the divemaster assured him. “We will only be around 8 to 12 meters.”

He nodded but didn’t say anything. He looked a bit afraid, or maybe worried.

“You HAVE been diving before, haven’t you?” she asked, curious about the worry.

He turned to her and she thought she had offended him with the question. But he didn’t look offended. Instead, he answered lightly, “Yes, I have. I’m just not sure whether I could equalize alright down there with this cold.”

She nodded politely, deciding to no longer discuss the issue. Sitting on the edge of the speedboat, her oxygen tank had started to feel very heavy. All she wanted to do was jump into the water where she could feel weightless. She understood what he meant though. When outside water pressure was greater than the inside of his sinus and ear cavities, a discomfort or ‘squeeze’ would occur. There was a technique to release that pressure. He should simply pinch his nose closed with the thumb and forefinger, close his mouth, tighten his cheeks, and then blow softly until air pressure would build in his inner ear canals. He should hear a gentle popping or crackling. This easy yet very important technique was called ‘equalizing’.

Failure to equalize would result in severe pain, which could be fatal. A diver must always be aware of this. If he couldn’t equalize, then he should stay where he was and started to ascent a meter or two until he succeeded to equalize. If that still didn’t work, then he must immediately surface. But with drift diving, he couldn’t go down too slow, because the current would carry him past where he wanted to be. He must be able to reach a certain depth fast enough in order to drift gently with the current in a place where he should be. That was why he was worried. His stuffy nose and sore throat might make it harder for him to equalize, which meant he needed to take his time and wouldn’t be able to descent quickly. And as his buddies, she and the divemaster would have to wait for him. Thus he might blow their chance to find any manta. However, sometimes, if he could do it right, the constant equalizing could also immediately clear his nose and cure his cold. Experienced divers with a cold would go diving just to get rid of their cold. But she decided not to bother telling him. She was sure he knew that already. She wouldn’t want to annoy him by implying that he might not be experienced enough.

So they back-rolled off the boat into the crystal blue water. She did a negative entry, head first, until her dive computer showed 8 meters on the screen. The divemaster was next to her, but he was nowhere to be found. They immediately looked up and there he was directly above them, at around 3 or 4 meters. He signaled that he had problems with his ears. He couldn’t equalize and would surface instead. He also signaled for the divemaster to take his underwater camera. The divemaster did so and quickly caught up with her. The current already brought her a few meters away from them. But she had no time to be disappointed. A huge manta ray with wings spanning around 3-meter wide swam right underneath! And there were more mantas coming their way!

In a single dive that day, they encountered dozens of mantas, including an all-black manta that she passionately called ‘The Zorro’, flapping against the current, savoring the nutrient-rich sea while dancing their old-fashioned waltz so elegantly. Lovely creatures. She was at awe. And by the time they were back on the speedboat to continue their journey, she was grinning the whole way. He didn’t dive with her, but her encounter with the charming mantas was indisputably a good sign. It had to be. She was sure of it. In fact, his inability to dive with her today was a good sign too. She was assigned to this task specifically to accompany him underwater. She had no reason to be there otherwise. So the reason must simply be: so their paths would cross. It must be. She was sure of it.

*****

The night was still. The sea wind was blowing and the beach was deserted. It was pitch black. On the jetty, there was only her in her sleeping bag and the divemaster next to her. The night was still and a bit cold. Yet she woke up sweating. She woke up in shock and in tears. It was a powerful dream, as if it was real. The divemaster probably heard the sound of her sitting up straight all of the sudden on that rickety jetty. He woke up too.

“Are you cold?” he asked.

“No. I’m alright,” she lied.

“Okay,” he answered sleepily, too lazy to move. And he went back to sleep.

But she was still sitting straight. She couldn’t believe her dream. What was that? That was ridiculous, she thought. Yet tears kept flowing down her face. She wasn’t sobbing. She was just crying. In her dream, she was on the deck of a yacht. She was dancing with a ghost from the past. She knew he was a ghost, because he had died eight years ago! Even in her dream, she knew that. She knew he was just a ghost. She couldn’t remember the music that they danced to. But there was music playing. No one else on the deck but them. And they kept dancing to the music. Until she decided to ask the question that had bothered her all this time. She stopped dancing and looked deeply into his eyes. She had missed those eyes so much. Yet she knew she must not cry. She must ask the question.

“Why did you leave me?” she inquired, half sad, half angry.

“You shouldn’t think about that anymore,” he smiled, stroking her hair gently.

“Why not? I want to know why you died and left me here!” she insisted.

“You shouldn’t think about that anymore because today you have met an eagle. An eagle who will take my place.”

That was when she woke up. Trembling. Crying silently. An eagle. What in the world did it mean? That was ridiculous! He had always been her only eagle. And he had flown away, leaving her here to cope with life. Today you have met an eagle. His words echoed while she was trying to go back to sleep.

*****

She read his text message again, making sure she didn’t forget anything. Wear warm clothes. Bring windproof jacket. Bring gloves if you have them. Put on boots if you have them. Sunglasses too. It will be cold up there. Well, she didn’t have gloves or boots. So she just put her sneakers on and hoped he had an extra pair of gloves. He did.

It was a beautiful morning. All mornings were beautiful here. So no surprise there. The air was warm and the sky was gloriously blue, trimmed with morning sunlight. Yet she was nervous. It wasn’t an aircraft. It was like a three-wheel motorbike with wings. How could it be safe? But she hid her nervousness. She was happy enough to see him again. She was happy that he invited her to come and fly with him. She thought he would never call again, let alone ask her to join him on this ride. The ride of a lifetime.

In Wikipedia, a microlight aircraft was defined as one or two-seat weight-shift aircraft, with a maximum takeoff weight of 450 kg. Microlights were also referred to as trikes and are distinguished from three-axis aircraft, of which the smallest were known as ultralights. These very light-manned aircraft were used mainly, or intended for, sports or recreation, during daylight and in good visual conditions. These days, trikes were rapidly transforming into high-performance aircraft, capable of very respectable speed and range. So whatever they were called and whatever they were used for, they were still aircraft, which meant that they must strictly follow Civil Aviation Regulations.

He probably knew she was nervous. As she sat on the backseat and buckled her seatbelt, he was explaining the safety procedures. He went on and on assuring her that if anything happened while they were in the air, he had satellite phone, some snacks, water, etcetera, etcetera. He also explained where they’d fly. That wasn’t helping. She was still nervous.

“Hey, you didn’t explain all that to me when I went up with you!” she heard her flat-mate jokingly complaining to him.

He didn’t answer. He just smiled while checking whether her seatbelt was securely fastened. Then he took the front seat, put on his helmet, glanced at her and asked.

“Are you ready?”

She forced a smile. “Yeah.” There was no turning back now.

But the scary moment only lasted less than five minutes. Once they took off and were in the air, she had totally forgotten her fear. This was awesome! It was exhilarating and at the same time it was spiritually soothing. She loved it! The solitude of the blue sky immediately embraced her. The ancient sea was now beneath her. The jewel-like islands, the photogenic white powdery beaches, the vast savannas, the wooden fisherman boats, the tourist ships, everything was beneath her. This must be what it feels like to be an eagle, she thought.

And her heart stopped for a second or two. An eagle.

Today was the day of the eagle. It was their anniversary. And she forgot to pray for him. She woke up too early and got too excited to prepare for this flight. She had forgotten the eagle. She had never forgotten before. She always prayed for him. But today, she forgot. Instead, she was flying. Like an eagle herself. With… an eagle.

And her heart stopped for a second or two. An eagle.

She remembered her dream just two days before on the jetty. Today you have met an eagle. His words echoed. An eagle who will take my place.

And below, a manta ray appeared close to the surface of that resplendently clear blue sea, flapping against the current, savoring the nutrient-rich sea while dancing the old-fashioned waltz so elegantly. He saw it too. She had now seen the manta both underwater and eagle’s eye view. That was indisputably a good sign. It had to be. She was sure of it.

The manta and the dream. Nothing was a coincidence. Everything happened for a reason. Today you have met an eagle. His words echoed. An eagle who will take my place. It was a moment of great awakening. The ghost’s words were words of wisdom, crowned with glory, understanding and a kind of purifying sensation.

And she closed her eyes for a moment, saying her prayer in the solitude of the sky. Happy anniversary. I still love you but I’m letting you go. I have met an eagle. Thank you.

*****

That was two years ago. Her prayer was not answered. If nothing was a coincidence, then it must be a trap.

Staying Young

2009-05-29T17:35:00.003+07:00

Okay, it's been a while since I wrote my last blog. Heartbreaks and disappointments do kill inspirations. And I'm still uninspired actually... BUT... I received this email today that I thought I should share with you. Especially because this little article below makes me feel a lot better at being 40. Yup, I just turned 40 earlier this month. But hey, it's only a number... I don't feel any different today than I was 10 or even 20 years ago. So there you go!

Hope you enjoy the article below. And hope I will get back my inspirations soon enough so I can start writing my own cynical and suicidal views of the world again.

Here's George Carlin's Views on Aging (George Carlin is now 102 years old).

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .... .. You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
S o you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

AND HERE'S HOW TO STAY YOUNG!

1. Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. Heartbreaks do happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. (Boy, this one is surely for ME!)

7. Surround yourself with what you love. Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next country; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.