A Personal Tribute to MJ

Oh baby give me one more chance
(show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
(back in your heart)
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go
(let you go baby)
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)

I was just 5-month old when The Jackson 5’s first single for Motown, titled “I Want You Back”, was officially released. It was October 7, 1969. The song was an amazing hit, going to number 1 on the US chart, knocking The Beatles’ hit “Let It Be” out of the top spot. It also went to number 2 in the UK and it was selling over 4 million copies globally. Yes MJ, I was only 5-month old. Little that you know, that this 5-month old baby would be one of your biggest fans. Little that you know, that today, on June 26, 2009, on the day you passed away, there’s nothing that I want more than to have you back. MJ, I want you back. Yes, I do…

ABC
Easy as…
123
Or simple as…
Do re mi, ABC, 123
Baby, you and me!

The group’s second single, “ABC”, was released in February 1970. Then the second album, also titled “ABC”, was released in May 1970. I was 1 year old. Yet in 1978 (I was 9), when I heard this song for the first time, I instantly fell in love with it. “ABC” was the first of The Jackson 5’s songs that I listened to. Your angelic voice, combined with catchy and fun lyrics, had captured my heart forever. No wonder it went, again, to number 1 in the US, number 8 in the UK and sold a massive 4.1 million copies worldwide. Ever since then, I’ve been your fan. I sang it and danced to it every chance I got. It was then when I started collecting all of your other songs. And ever since then, loving and respecting your music and showmanship has been as easy as 123, or as simple as do re mi. ABC, 123, baby, you and me!

Don’t blame it on the sunshine
Don’t blame it on the moonlight
Don’t blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie

It was also in 1978 that you and The Jackson 5 released an upbeat and so-fun-to-dance-to disco song “Blame It On The Boogie”. Written by a German-born Yorkshireman singer-songwriter, Mick Jackson, the song was originally intended for Stevie Wonder. It was played for the first time at the 1978 Midem Music Festival in Cannes, France, and a member of The Jackson 5’s entourage was there searching for tracks. Amazed by the name coincidence and impressed by the track itself, he secretly taped it and went back to the States so the band could record it as quickly as possible before Mick's version was released. There was a race to release the tracks - it was called “The Battle of the Boogie” in the newspapers and it was perfect press material: 2 “Michael Jacksons”, 2 versions of “Blame It On The Boogie”. The songs were out within days of each other and it was one of the rare occasions in the modern day that artists charted the same time with the same song. Some fans preferred Mick Jackson's more soulful version. But just like millions of your fans around the world, I personally preferred your more up-tempo dance-worthy version! Don’t blame the other version, don’t blame the sneaky track-stealing entourage, don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame it on the good times, just blame it on the boogie!

Girl, close your eyes
Let that rhythm get into you
Don't try to fight it
There ain't nothin' that you can do
Relax your mind
Lay back and groove with mine
You got to feel that heat
And we can ride the boogie
Share that beat of love

I wanna rock with you (all night)
Dance you into day (sunlight)
I wanna rock with you (all night)
We're gonna rock the night away

And don’t blame me for getting more and more addicted to your music… ‘Cause by the time I was 10, I was uncontrollably captivated and obsessed with you. The year was 1979. It was the year when you released the album “Off The Wall” as a solo artist. No longer part of the Jackson 5, your open-hearted sweet innocent voice, sexy lyrics and insistently upbeat hit on that album, “Rock With You”, totally hypnotized me and summarized everything that made YOU, Michael Jackson, matter. The song sold 7 million copies in the US and more than 20 million copies worldwide. And I closed my eyes, let the rhythm get into me, and rocked the night away. I wanna rock with you, all night…

It’s close to midnight and something evil lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,
You’re paralyzed

’Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about strike
You know it’s thriller, thriller night
You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight

Then came the big bang. It was 1982. I was 13 and I was officially a teenager. It was the start of my rebellion. I was against everything – religions, authorities, norms, traditional Asian values, parents, teachers, rules, regulations – everything. It was the year when my entire music scene changed. I started listening to hard rock and heavy metal, leaving the jazzier, more soulful and poignant music behind. Yet I couldn’t leave you. Not when you released your best-selling album of all time, “Thriller”. In the midst of all my efforts to negate and denounce the world, I couldn’t deny that only you, Michael Jackson, could do so much so quickly to obscure the ass-shaking, barrier-breaking brilliance of music. And I had to shake my ass to your music once again. ’Cause this is thriller, thriller night…

They told him don’t you ever come around here
Don’t wanna see your face, you better disappear
The fire’s in their eyes and their words are really clear
So beat it, just beat it

You better run, you better do what you can
Don’t wanna see no blood, don’t be a macho man
You wanna be tough, better do what you can
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin’ how funky strong is your fight
It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it

Also on the album “Thriller”, your song “Beat It” quickly stole my heart. This was a song that could relate to my unrelenting mutiny. A song that fitted in perfectly with the violent, vindictive world that I embraced. The energetic beat and etched-in-your-mind lyrics served me as ways to reject or rebel against the orthodoxies of the world. And of course, it once again dominated the pop charts, while I put on leather jackets and tight pants, and learned every dance move. ‘Cause I wanna be bad. Just beat it, beat it!

Billie Jean is not my lover
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Two other tracks that I loved and still do from the “Thriller” album are “Billie Jean” and “The Girl Is Mine”. By the time these two songs hit the charts, I had a boyfriend already. And we both loved these songs. Madly in love and just newly tasted the euphoria of affection, we found “Billie Jean” naughtily adorable and “The Girl Is Mine” irresistibly sweet. These two songs quickly became OUR songs. We played them and danced to them at nearly every party, every time we were high on marijuana, and every time we had too much to drink. They became the symbol of both our love and rebellion, while “Thriller”, then, blew open all doors – reportedly selling more than 100 million copies all over the world and winning a record-breaking 7 Grammy Awards. By the way, that boyfriend later became my husband and the father of my two children. My name is not Billie Jean, but I had become his lover ever since. I guess I have to thank you, MJ! This girl became his girl. The girl is mine, the doggone girl is mine, I know she’s mine…

Well they say the sky’s the limit
And to me that’s really true
But my friend you have seen nothing
Just wait 'til I get through

Because I'm bad, I'm bad – come on
You know I'm bad, I'm bad – you know it
You know I'm bad, I'm bad – come on, you know
And the whole world has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again,
Who's bad…

Five years later, in 1987, I graduated from high school. I was 18 and officially an adult. I intentionally screwed up all my university entrance tests in Indonesia so that my parents would send me to the States to continue my study. And they did. So off to Salt Lake City I went, claiming my independence and freedom once and for all. I was bad. And right at that moment, on September 7, 1987, your album “Bad” was released. Perfect timing! Well, they say the sky’s the limit and to me that’s really true. But my friend, you have seen nothing. Just wait ‘til I get through. Because I’m bad!

Annie are you OK?
So, Annie are you OK?
Are you OK Annie?
You've been hit by
You've been struck by – a smooth criminal

In the States, for the first time in my life, I fitted in and had no more reasons to rebel. The Western world seemed to reserve this one perfect slot for me where I just had to be me. And just like many young adults living in the States, I quickly caught the MTV fever. I was part of the original MTV generation. And the song “Smooth Criminal”, released on October 24, 1988 from the album “Bad”, was played on MTV over and over again. The powerful dance performance and video mastery had me spellbound. It was like being in your presence, experiencing your energy and having the chance to move with the greatest dancers and entertainers of all time. You were not only a musical genius; you were a music video visionary. “Smooth Criminal” had further secured your place as the King of Pop and as the great innovator of early MTV. I was proud to be part of that era, ‘because I’ve been struck by a smooth criminal…

Hey pretty baby with the high heels on
You give me fever like I’ve never ever known
You're just a product of loveliness
I like the groove of your walk, your talk, your dress
I feel your fever from miles around
I’ll pick you up in my car and we’ll paint the town
Just kiss me baby and tell me twice
That you’re the one for me

The way you make me feel
You really turn me on
You knock me off of my feet
My lonely days are gone

Your hit album “Bad” also contained the greatest love songs of all time. Produced by Quincy Jones and yourself, “The Way You Make Me Feel” reached the top in its tenth week, for one week. It was the third consecutive number 1 single from that album. The single spent 6 weeks in the top 10, 9 weeks in the top 20 and 13 weeks in the top 40. But it has spent a lifetime in my heart just because the way you make me feel, you really turn me on, you knock me off of my feet, my lonely days are gone…

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could’ve been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and make a change

The socio-political and economic world of the late 1980s was also a source of inspiration to you. Determined to encourage people to stand up for what they believed in and make a change, the song “Man In The Mirror” simply did just that. At least for me, the song had left me both inspired and enlightened. Changes were what I had been striving for all my life. The hypocritical and narrow-minded views, based on certain religion or race or gender, were everything I had been fighting against. But when I dared to make a change to myself, converted to another religion, believed in different yet more sensible things, and continued to do whatever my heart told me to do regardless of my gender, I was labeled rebel instead. And so this song meant so much to me. It provided a way to tell everyone, “I told you so.” It provided me with a justification. That if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make a change!

They print my message in the Saturday sun
I had to tell them I ain’t second to none
And I told about equality and it’s true
Either you’re wrong or you’re right
But, if you’re thinkin’ about my baby
It don’t matter if you’re black or white

I am tired of this devil
I am tired of this stuff
I am tired of this business
Sew when the going gets rough
I ain’t scared of your brother
I ain’t scared of no sheets
I ain’t scare of nobody
Girl when the goin’ gets mean

I already had a 2-year old daughter, Cassandra Niki, when you released your next album “Dangerous” in 1991. Yes, at a very young age of 22, I had become a mother. It seemed that your mission to make strong statements in your songs had only become stronger and more focused. Forcing to bring racial issues that confronted America to the surface, you released the single “Black or White” in November 1991. Slash of Guns N' Roses played the guitar intro for the song. Your music video of this song featured a morphing technique that was very innovative at the time. Macaulay Culkin and George Wendt (Norm from the sitcom Cheers) appeared in it, as well as Tyra Banks before she gained supermodel status. As expected, the video got a lot of hype. It premiered on MTV, BET, and Fox at the exact same time. It was perhaps the most controversial video ever recorded by you. It showed you in the full length video dancing and destroying all things racist, including a swastika used by the Nazis. I LOVED IT!

Ironically, also at this time, some of your fans turned out to be your worst critics. As your face was reshaped, so was their image of you. But to me, your music was always bigger than your missteps and more transformative than your eccentricities. To me, a genius like you had EVERY RIGHT to be as weird as you wanted to be. In fact, I’m glad you were weird, because I’m weird too and proud of it! If you’re thinkin’ about my baby, it don’t matter if you’re black or white. And it also don’t matter if you’re weird…

There’s a place in your heart and I know that it is love
And this place could be much brighter than tomorrow
And if you really try you’ll find there’s no need to cry
In this place you’ll feel there’s no hurt or sorrow

There are ways to get there
If you care enough for the living
Make a little space
Make a better place

Heal the world, make it a better place
For you and for me and the entire human race
There are people dying, if you care enough for the living
Make a better place for you and for me

Ignoring the critics, your strong messages continued. Along with my favorite single “Heal The World”, you set up the Heal The World Foundation in 1992. The foundation has focused on children, aiming for their safe and healthy development to be the world's priority. It aims to make the world aware of the rights and needs of all children around the world. It also helps improve the world we live in, without violence and free of diseases. “Heal The World” is a song that never fails to bring tears to my eyes. The power of this song HAS actually healed the world. Thanks to you, MJ! Heal the world, make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race.

Do you remember when we fell in love
We were so young and innocent then
Do you remember how it all began
It just seemed like heaven, so why did it end?

Do you remember back in the fall
We’d be together all day long
Do you remember us holding hands
In each other's eyes we’d stare

Do you remember the time when we fell in love?
Do you remember the time when we fell in love?
Do you remember the time when we fell in love?
Do you remember the time?

Of course it wouldn’t be YOU if you didn’t include love songs in the album. Everyone’s much loved ballad on the “Dangerous” album had to be “Remember The Time”, released in early Spring 1992. The song was a classic attempt of a New Jack Swing-flavored R&B jam. The music video was awesome too! As for some of your past songs, the music video for “Remember the Time” was an elaborate production. Set in ancient Egypt, it featured groundbreaking visual effects and appearances by Eddie Murphy, Iman, and Magic Johnson. And in my personal life, it was a song that marked another turning point in my life. On this, I can’t elaborate. But now that you’re in heaven, I’m sure you know what I mean. Do you remember the time when we fell in love?

Somebody please have mercy
’Cause I just cant take it
Stop pressurin me
Just stop pressurin me
Stop pressurin me
Make me wanna scream

A chance of a lifetime came in November 1996, approximately a year after you released the album “HIStory: Past, Present And Future Book 1”. The commanding duet with your sister Janet, titled “Scream”, had been released for several months. I no longer lived in the States. I was in New Zealand, working for Electronic Data Systems in Wellington. My husband was still studying towards his degree in Auckland. We already had two kids. Cassey was 7 years old and our youngest daughter, Sky Dwi-Drupadi, was 3 years old. The chance of a lifetime was YOUR CONCERT! I can’t remember now how much the tickets had cost us. But I remember both my husband and I insisted that we had to see you live, no matter what. Leaving Sky at home with some friends to babysit her, we took Cassey with us to her first concert ever. She was excited. But I was a zillion times more excited than her. I grew up with your songs. I grew up idolizing you. I grew up dancing and singing with you. So there we were at the Ericsson Stadium in Auckland, November 1996. We finally watched you perform on stage during your “HIStory World Tour”! You had such stage presence, vocal and dancing ability and soul. We were drawn to you. We had no choice but to sing along and dance with you all through the concert. I can’t remember how much I screamed hysterically that night. But I remember that I lost my voice the next day. Hahaha… It was simply a dream come true! Make me wanna scream!

Have you seen my childhood?
I’m searching for the world that I come from
’Cause I’ve been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
’Cause I keep kidding around like a child,
But pardon me...

I know the single “Childhood” was one of your most personal songs ever written. I know it was about you. But the funny thing is, I could totally relate to it. I bet everyone could relate to it too. If they say they don’t, then they must be big fat liars! Well, personally, my childhood wasn’t all bad. I had a comfortable life. But being born an Indonesian, an Asian, and being brought up as an Indonesian, an Asian, in Indonesia, in Asia, had the disadvantages, especially for an extra-curious kid like I was. It was actually frustrating for me. I couldn’t accept many of the things they taught me. And as a result, my own childhood was miserable, full of punishments and weird looks from everyone around me. And so I could totally relate to this song. People do that to you. Just because we do things differently, look at things differently, and believe in different things, they judge us. They hate us. They talk about us. I could totally relate to that. Have you seen my childhood?

Another day has gone
I’m still all alone
How could this be?
You’re not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold?

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you’re far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You’re always in my heart
And you are not alone

To be honest, I didn’t start liking this song until much later. You see, MJ… My husband passed away in 1999, just 3 years after we saw your live performance in Auckland. It was the worst year of my life. And the years that followed were the darkest years of my life. It took me a long time to finally accept that he was gone. There were even times when I contemplated suicide. The thought of my children was the only thing that stopped me. For a year after his death, I started my every day crying and ended my every day crying. I don’t remember when exactly I heard this song again, the single “You Are Not Alone” that you released in August 1995. But I remember it instantly made me feel better. In time, I gradually healed. And this song played an important role towards initiating that healing process. It had made me realized that I was not alone. You are not alone, for I am here with you, though we’re far apart, you’re always in my heart, and you are not alone.

What have we done to the world?
Look what we've done!
What about all the peace that you pledge
Your only son…
What about flowering fields?
Is there a time?
What about all the dreams
That you said was yours and mine?
Did you ever stop to notice?
All the children dead from war
Did you ever stop to notice?
The crying Earth, the weeping shores!

The single “Earth Song” was also on your album “HIStory: Past, Present And Future Book 1”. But unlike “You Are Not Alone” that didn’t immediately impress me at the start, this song made a great instantaneous impact on me. I’ve always been an environmentalist, a conservationist. The Earth for me is a source of life, knowledge, love, joy and pleasure. Seeing more and more human beings remove themselves from nature as if they’re not elements of nature themselves always disgust me. Seeing more and more human beings exploit nature greedily for profit always anger me. Seeing more and more human beings lose respect for Earth that has provided them with life always sadden me. So this song has become MY ALL TIME FAVORITE. You giftedly captured everything I’d been wanting to say to the world. What have we done to the world? Look what we've done!

Keep on with the force don’t stop
Don’t stop ‘til you get enough
Keep on with the force don’t stop
Don’t stop ‘til you get enough
Keep on with the force don’t stop
Don’t stop ‘til you get enough
Keep on with the force don’t stop
Don’t stop ‘til you get enough

Last but not least, MJ… I truly believe that you were the biggest solo star since Elvis Presley. You had a notable impact on music and culture throughout the world while also tearing down social barriers and paving the way for modern pop music and the concept of the modern pop star globally. You were an extremely important figure in the history of popular culture, a person with planetary influence, and one of the most famous humans who ever lived. I am honored to have grown up listening to your music and watching your extraordinary brilliance. I guess now you’ve had enough. So you left the world and went home to the house of the Lord where I know you will never suffer again. But the magical force of your music will live on forever, for as long as this planet is still here. Because we will never have enough of you. Keep on with the force, don’t stop, don’t stop ‘til you get enough!

I just can’t stop loving you
I just can’t stop loving you
And if I stop, then tell me just what will I do

And for all those reasons, for your courage and determination, for your brilliance, for your love, for your music and clever lyrics, I just can’t stop loving you, MJ. And if I stop, then tell me just what will I do?

Goodbye and good luck on your journey, your final metamorphosis. Please send my love to my husband, as I know he will be one of the first who welcomes you in Heaven. Your music will stay and will always be able to draw me – with each chirpy, stuttering reminiscence – right out onto the dance floor. I’m going to rock with you ‘til I have to go on my final metamorphosis one day.

SURAT BUAT SI JAMET

Hey Bo… Apa kabar cintaku? Jijik gak gw? Hahaha… jangan muntah di surga, nanti Yesus, Nabi Muhammad dan Buddha Gautama ngomel-ngomel. Belom lagi uncle Bob Marley dan tante Marilyn Monroe… Ok, ok… gak pake cinta-cintaan deh… Pengen ngobrol aja…

Ini gara-gara Illa… Dia abis ng-upload foto jadul kita di NZ ke facebook. Ada elo di situ. Ada gw jugalah pastinya, kalo gak mah pasti gw udah delete fotonya… Foto yang gak ada gw-nya gak penting buat dipajang… Hehehe… Tetep narsis dooong… Yes, I’m still your beloved narcissistic girl… Forever will be deh pokoknya!

Anyway, sumpah mati gw gak inget ini foto kapan dan di mana. Di Auckland kayaknya ya? Dan sebagian besar yang ada di foto ini gw udah gak inget siapa… Kecuali Illa… Sama elo… Dan gw… Oh, of course gw inget David, cowonya Illa… Sekarang mereka udah married lho… Dan yang jelas, foto ini bikin gw… kangen…

Jangan GR lo… Kangen bukan berarti gw nangis-nangis bombay kayak dulu… Gw udah gak pernah nangis lagi kalo inget elo… Yang ada malah senyum-senyum bego… Inget betapa resenya elo dulu… Heran, kok gw bisa cinta ya? Hahaha…

Kenapa gw kangen? Secara di rumah juga foto lo masih dipajang ama nyokap… Gede bener pula! Well, karena di foto ini… you were sooo… you… Elo banget gitu loh… The guy I fell in love with… Gondrong dan METAAAALLLL sekaleeee… I really miss you this way… Sangar dan preman abis dengan rambut lo yang kayak Lion King itu… Udah keriting, tetep maksa harus gondrong… Ya begitu deh jadinya muka lo…

Eh, by the way, lo tau facebook gak? Pas lo meninggal, facebook belom ada. Nih ya gw jelasin… facebook itu kayak ajang networking gitu, tapi lewat internet… Ajang narsis juga deh… Cocok buat gw!!! Jadi kita tuh bikin account gitu di facebook… Di situ kita bisa masukin semua-semuanya tentang kita… Nama, alamat, nomer telepon, tanggal lahir, relationship status, buku favorit, musik favorit, semuanya deeehhh… Bisa komplit sekomplit-komplitnya … Or bisa pelit info sepelit-pelitnya … Tergantung seberapa banyak kita mau orang lain tau tentang kita… Nah, abis itu, kita bisa add temen kita or add siapa aja yang kita maulah pokoknya… Bisa ketemu temen dari jaman baheula gitu di situ… And punya temen-temen baru… Kadang ada untungnya, karena kita jadi silaturahmi lagi sama temen-teman lama, punya banyak kenalan baru dan bisa dapet banyak opportunity buat cari duit juga… Malah ada juga yang bisa jadian segala gara-gara facebook lho… BUKAN!!! BUKAN GW… curiga aja deh!

Tapi yah, kadang nyebelin juga… Banyak orang yang jadi sok akrab gitu… Mentang-mentang dulu satu sekolah, terus dikit-dikit ngajak ngobrol… Padahal jaman dulu, gw gak pernah tuh ngobrol ama dia… Inget aja nggak dia siapa (maklum, dulu kan gw lumayan ngetop toh? Orang kenal gw, tapi gw belom tentu kenal orang… hehehe… belagu abiiiissss…) Kalo diladenin, jadi ngelunjak and makin sering ninggalin message di facebook… Kalo didiemin, dibilang sombong… Ribet jadinya… Tapi gw udah nemuin cara supaya orang-orang kayak gini gak ganggu lagi, tapi juga gak tau kalo gw cuekin… Percuma dong gw jadi computer scientist kalo yang beginian doang gw gak bisa atasin… Hahaha… Mahal-mahal disekolahin di luar negeri, ujung-ujungnya cuma buat beginian doang… Bodo ah…

Nah di facebook inilah gw ketemu Illa lagi… Dan Iddo, Ista, Indra, Ben, Tora, Anggi, Phumin, dan semua temen-temen kita di NZ dulu… Terus Illa ng-upload foto kita ini deh… Yang bikin gw jadi kangen…

Banyaklah pokoknya yang udah berubah selama 10 tahun lo pulang ke rumah Tuhan… World Trade Center di NY udah gak ada, ditabrak dua pesawat yang dibajak orang-orang gila yang sok-sok mau jihad… Komputer dan internet sekarang udah jadi kebutuhan… Ke mana aja orang-orang? Dari dulu padahal dua hal itu udah jadi kebutuhan gw ya? Sampe elo sering gw cuekin… Sampe lo bilang kalo “suami pertama” gw adalah komputer, lo cuma suami kedua… Hahaha… Kita udah ganti presiden tauk deh berapa kali… Gw udah gak ngitung, karena udah gak peduli… Kalo soal ini, gak ada yang berubah, Bo… This country still sucks, no matter who the president is…

Bumi tambah panas, Bo… But I’m sure you know that better than anyone who is still living on this planet, karena lo pasti sekarang bisa liat dengan jelas kebodohan manusia yang masih dibolehin hidup ini … Tapi seperti biasa, sebagian besar orang gak sadar-sadar… Hutan kita tambah abis, diganti jadi perkebunan kelapa sawit… Satwa kita mulai punah satu-satu, diganti sama sawah, ladang, perumahan, jalanan dan gedung-gedung tinggi… Laut kita tambah kotor dan najis gak keruan… Kalo lo pikir dulu AIDS udah serem, sekarang daftar penyakit tambah ajaib… Ada SAR, ada flu burung, ada flu babi dan gak tau apalagi… Parah deh pokoknya… Saking parahnya, ada prediksi bahwa tahun 2012 semua es yang ada di muka bumi ini bakal mencair… Dan kita semua bakal mati… Kiamat, Bo… Bener gak sih? Tanyain dong sama Tuhan… Trus kasih tau gw yah… Sometimes I envy you… Ngiri karena lo udah gak perlu lagi mikirin ini semua…

Gw sih gak pa-pa ya kiamat tahun 2012… Toh gw jadi bisa ketemu lo lagi… Tapi kasian Cassey ama Sky… (Iya, Cassey ngotot nulis namanya begini, pake dua huruf “s” di tengahnya… bukan Casey seperti nama yang kita kasih dulu… Sok keren dia, padahal di Indonesia tetep aja orang-orang nyebutnya “Kesi”) Cassey terutama, si bawel satu itu, udah ngomel-ngomel pas denger kemungkinan kiamat tahun 2012… “Aku baru 23 tahun dong… Dan belom kawin…” Trus gw bilang, “Ya udah kawin aja sekarang.” Tapi pas gw tantangin begitu, dia jawabannya, “Emoh!” Lha… Piye tha? Sementara Sky, just like you, diem aja… Sejak Cassey kuliah di Jogja (udah tau kan lo? Dia ke makam khusus untuk ngasih tau lo), rumah jadi sepi… Soalnya Sky gak pernah cerita apa-apa… Elo banget deh pokoknya! Kalo gak ditanya, dia cuek aja gitu, gak pernah “A”, “B”, “C”, apa kek gitu… Giliran ditanya, jawabnya juga cuma sepotong-sepotong … Asal… Seenak jidatnya… Sekenanya… Apa yang ada di ujung lidahnya aja… She’s so YOU! She’s driving me nuts sometimes… HELP!

Gw jalan-jalan melulu beberapa tahun belakangan ini… But I’m sure you know that already… Coz every time I see an eagle, I remember you and send a little prayer for you… Dan gw inget, lo selalu bilang, “Belajar dari alam, Nyil…” You were right… Semuanya ada di alam… Kayak buku yang kebuka, tinggal dibaca… Thanks for that ya!

Anyway, Bo… gw seneng lo udah happy di sana… Lagi ngapain sekarang? Nyimeng sama uncle Bob ya? Ih, sirik deh gw… Salam ya… Buat semua orang-orang keren yang jadi inspirasi kita… Jadi inspirasi gw… Foto ini akan gw pajang terus di blog ini, satu lagi “hal baru” di internet sebagai ajang narsis gw, ajang curhat, ajang marah-marah, ajang nyela-nyela orang, ajang gosip, ajang bagi-bagi informasi dan ilmu, ajang berkreasi paling top so far… Foto ini bikin gw inget elo, kangen elo… Inget si gondrong metal yang hatinya Rinto abis… My best friend… Iya, iya, I’m not gonna get mellow again… Takut bener sih lo???

Yang jelas, foto ini elo banget… si JAMET… Apa itu Jamet? Well, ini istilah dari Cassey, jadi jangan salahin gw… Omelin tuh anak lo… Menurut dia, elo itu… JAWA METAL… Hahaha!!! Baik-baik lo di sana ya… Visit us in our dreams some time, ok? Ttyl, Bo… (Aduuuh… jangan nanya deh ttyl apaan… gak gaul ah!)

See you when I see you, Jamet! Love ya!

- Unyil -

Coincidence vs. Trap

“Do you believe in coincidence?”

“Nope. Do you?”

“Not a bit.”

“There is no such thing as a coincidence.”

“Agreed. Everything happens for a reason.”

“Agreed. Everything happens for a reason.”

*****

She couldn’t remember now what started that conversation. There, while sitting on the fabulous white beach of Kerora, on one of the shores of Rinca Island in Komodo National Park, the conversation just suddenly started. She had heard a lot about the man next to her, that he was loud and he was hard-headed and he was tough and he was rough and he was a bit nasty, that the words that came out of his mouth were never filtered. She just barely knew him then, she had known him for only a couple of days when he offered her to take a two-day speedboat ride with him around the protected Park, visiting all of the nine ranger stations in it. She didn’t know whether he was trying to be nice, or whether he was just testing her guts. After all, she was a city girl with her city looks and her city attitude. He probably thought he would do her a favor by speeding up her decision to quit and go back to her comfort zone in the city. But of course he didn’t know who she was either. She was a city girl with her city looks and her city attitude, but nature was always home sweet home to her, no matter how rough it was. She didn’t know what he was thinking. She didn’t think. She just went ahead with him. Not to impress him. Not to impress anyone. But to actually enjoy the Park before the real work started. Kerora was the second station they visited. And after that conversation, they became best friends for life. Along with a few other staff who worked in Park, they had become family. That simple conversation on Kerora Beach had formed a bond that was unbroken forever.

No, nothing was a coincidence. And no, there wasn’t anything romantic about the story. But that conversation turned her life around. Up until that moment, she always thought she was the only one who believed that there was no coincidence. All of her friends in the city usually laughed at her when she got too “deep”. “You’re too weird!” they would say. Now she finally met someone else who was just as weird. Someone who also believed that everything happened for a reason. No, there wasn’t anything romantic about the story. There was no falling in love stuff or anything like that. It was simply a confirmation. An answer she had been waiting for. While the best fuel for some trips was pure adrenaline, hers was a calming, reassuring confirmation that she had made the right decision and had come to right place. Nothing was a coincidence indeed!

Yet, if nothing was a coincidence and everything happened for a reason, then what was the reason for meeting an eagle?

*****

For the first time, she couldn’t thoroughly enjoy the magical blend of ancient wisdom and pure energy of nature, this perfect combination of the rough and the gentle, as she usually did. Her eyes and her heart were two elements of her body that were somehow out of control today. While her eyes stole frequent glances, watching curiously yet subtly, her heart raced as if she just ran long distance. A delicious sense of peace enfolded every time she caught his eyes. Here, in the center of this incredible scenery, in the middle of this windswept sea, she looked up to the blue cloudless sky and said a short prayer, “Better not be a trap. Promise me that, please Lord.”

It had been several months now that her office was not an ordinary office. She worked in the impressive 1,817 square kilometers of spectacular set of scattered barren islands and astonishing marine wilderness of Komodo National Park. While the place didn’t define luxury, convenience and comfort, it was still home sweet home. She always believed that here one could find what one might not expect. The atmosphere was mystical. The spirits of the Earth seemed to love living and amusing themselves here. Any prayer would be answered. Any wish would come true. Moreover, this is one of the best dive destinations on the planet. Every prayer made underwater, among the rich and colorful coral reefs, amid mangroves and sea grass beds, surrounded by abundant oceanic animals, seamounts and semi-enclosed bays, should and would be answered. And the answer would always be ‘Yes’. She believed that. “I must have faith. I must believe that,” she thought. God didn’t create such a supernatural place for natural purposes. He couldn’t. Magic must exist here.

Pretending to free her face from her own hair that had been blown wildly by the wind, she glanced again. He was busy. The speedboat was now parked on a sleepy coast of one of the biggest islands here, Papagaran Island. In one leap, he jumped off the boat and landed smoothly on the sand. Then he walked aimlessly on the beach, capturing frame after frame of the splendor nature offered in the blue morning of June. And why did she capture him in her heart? She didn’t know. She didn’t even know him. This was absurd. She shook her head. “Wake up, wake up, snap out of it,” she ordered herself quietly. But her heart didn’t listen. And her eyes turned and marched back in the direction where he went. She followed him with her eyes all the way until he returned to the boat. And the journey continued in this remote yet beautiful frontier. The wind blew wildly, messing up her hair once again. She didn’t mind. With her hair all over the place, it was easier to stare at him and smile every once in a while.

Just after 9.30am, the speedboat arrived at the first dive spot, a location that was known as manta ray aggregation site. It was the perfect time during rising tide. These graceful and stingless giant ‘eagles’ of the sea could usually be found while drift diving along the eastern face of the reef, just around 10 to 15-meter deep. She had never seen them before, so she was quite excited at the prospect. She put on her dive gear and her eyes, again, traveled to him. He was also putting on his dive gear. She smiled, wondering whether they would indeed see any manta today. She really hoped they would. It would be a good sign. She was sure of it. And while waiting for everybody to get ready, gentle waves rocked the small speedboat and the sound of it played harmony against a rhythm of occasional flaps of birds, mild flutters of rising sea, soft whistle of wind and the reverberation of another boat passing by in a distant. Like a perfect love song, there was a blush-worthy sensuality about it that no one could probably pull off any other day. It was a great day for a dive. It was a great day to meet him. It was one of the most mind-blowing paradises on the face of the Earth. This was a good sign. She was sure of it.

“I’ve come down with a cold today. I can’t go too deep,” he told the divemaster.

“We won’t be deep diving. We wouldn’t be able to find mantas in the deep,” the divemaster assured him. “We will only be around 8 to 12 meters.”

He nodded but didn’t say anything. He looked a bit afraid, or maybe worried.

“You HAVE been diving before, haven’t you?” she asked, curious about the worry.

He turned to her and she thought she had offended him with the question. But he didn’t look offended. Instead, he answered lightly, “Yes, I have. I’m just not sure whether I could equalize alright down there with this cold.”

She nodded politely, deciding to no longer discuss the issue. Sitting on the edge of the speedboat, her oxygen tank had started to feel very heavy. All she wanted to do was jump into the water where she could feel weightless. She understood what he meant though. When outside water pressure was greater than the inside of his sinus and ear cavities, a discomfort or ‘squeeze’ would occur. There was a technique to release that pressure. He should simply pinch his nose closed with the thumb and forefinger, close his mouth, tighten his cheeks, and then blow softly until air pressure would build in his inner ear canals. He should hear a gentle popping or crackling. This easy yet very important technique was called ‘equalizing’.

Failure to equalize would result in severe pain, which could be fatal. A diver must always be aware of this. If he couldn’t equalize, then he should stay where he was and started to ascent a meter or two until he succeeded to equalize. If that still didn’t work, then he must immediately surface. But with drift diving, he couldn’t go down too slow, because the current would carry him past where he wanted to be. He must be able to reach a certain depth fast enough in order to drift gently with the current in a place where he should be. That was why he was worried. His stuffy nose and sore throat might make it harder for him to equalize, which meant he needed to take his time and wouldn’t be able to descent quickly. And as his buddies, she and the divemaster would have to wait for him. Thus he might blow their chance to find any manta. However, sometimes, if he could do it right, the constant equalizing could also immediately clear his nose and cure his cold. Experienced divers with a cold would go diving just to get rid of their cold. But she decided not to bother telling him. She was sure he knew that already. She wouldn’t want to annoy him by implying that he might not be experienced enough.

So they back-rolled off the boat into the crystal blue water. She did a negative entry, head first, until her dive computer showed 8 meters on the screen. The divemaster was next to her, but he was nowhere to be found. They immediately looked up and there he was directly above them, at around 3 or 4 meters. He signaled that he had problems with his ears. He couldn’t equalize and would surface instead. He also signaled for the divemaster to take his underwater camera. The divemaster did so and quickly caught up with her. The current already brought her a few meters away from them. But she had no time to be disappointed. A huge manta ray with wings spanning around 3-meter wide swam right underneath! And there were more mantas coming their way!

In a single dive that day, they encountered dozens of mantas, including an all-black manta that she passionately called ‘The Zorro’, flapping against the current, savoring the nutrient-rich sea while dancing their old-fashioned waltz so elegantly. Lovely creatures. She was at awe. And by the time they were back on the speedboat to continue their journey, she was grinning the whole way. He didn’t dive with her, but her encounter with the charming mantas was indisputably a good sign. It had to be. She was sure of it. In fact, his inability to dive with her today was a good sign too. She was assigned to this task specifically to accompany him underwater. She had no reason to be there otherwise. So the reason must simply be: so their paths would cross. It must be. She was sure of it.

*****

The night was still. The sea wind was blowing and the beach was deserted. It was pitch black. On the jetty, there was only her in her sleeping bag and the divemaster next to her. The night was still and a bit cold. Yet she woke up sweating. She woke up in shock and in tears. It was a powerful dream, as if it was real. The divemaster probably heard the sound of her sitting up straight all of the sudden on that rickety jetty. He woke up too.

“Are you cold?” he asked.

“No. I’m alright,” she lied.

“Okay,” he answered sleepily, too lazy to move. And he went back to sleep.

But she was still sitting straight. She couldn’t believe her dream. What was that? That was ridiculous, she thought. Yet tears kept flowing down her face. She wasn’t sobbing. She was just crying. In her dream, she was on the deck of a yacht. She was dancing with a ghost from the past. She knew he was a ghost, because he had died eight years ago! Even in her dream, she knew that. She knew he was just a ghost. She couldn’t remember the music that they danced to. But there was music playing. No one else on the deck but them. And they kept dancing to the music. Until she decided to ask the question that had bothered her all this time. She stopped dancing and looked deeply into his eyes. She had missed those eyes so much. Yet she knew she must not cry. She must ask the question.

“Why did you leave me?” she inquired, half sad, half angry.

“You shouldn’t think about that anymore,” he smiled, stroking her hair gently.

“Why not? I want to know why you died and left me here!” she insisted.

“You shouldn’t think about that anymore because today you have met an eagle. An eagle who will take my place.”

That was when she woke up. Trembling. Crying silently. An eagle. What in the world did it mean? That was ridiculous! He had always been her only eagle. And he had flown away, leaving her here to cope with life. Today you have met an eagle. His words echoed while she was trying to go back to sleep.

*****

She read his text message again, making sure she didn’t forget anything. Wear warm clothes. Bring windproof jacket. Bring gloves if you have them. Put on boots if you have them. Sunglasses too. It will be cold up there. Well, she didn’t have gloves or boots. So she just put her sneakers on and hoped he had an extra pair of gloves. He did.

It was a beautiful morning. All mornings were beautiful here. So no surprise there. The air was warm and the sky was gloriously blue, trimmed with morning sunlight. Yet she was nervous. It wasn’t an aircraft. It was like a three-wheel motorbike with wings. How could it be safe? But she hid her nervousness. She was happy enough to see him again. She was happy that he invited her to come and fly with him. She thought he would never call again, let alone ask her to join him on this ride. The ride of a lifetime.

In Wikipedia, a microlight aircraft was defined as one or two-seat weight-shift aircraft, with a maximum takeoff weight of 450 kg. Microlights were also referred to as trikes and are distinguished from three-axis aircraft, of which the smallest were known as ultralights. These very light-manned aircraft were used mainly, or intended for, sports or recreation, during daylight and in good visual conditions. These days, trikes were rapidly transforming into high-performance aircraft, capable of very respectable speed and range. So whatever they were called and whatever they were used for, they were still aircraft, which meant that they must strictly follow Civil Aviation Regulations.

He probably knew she was nervous. As she sat on the backseat and buckled her seatbelt, he was explaining the safety procedures. He went on and on assuring her that if anything happened while they were in the air, he had satellite phone, some snacks, water, etcetera, etcetera. He also explained where they’d fly. That wasn’t helping. She was still nervous.

“Hey, you didn’t explain all that to me when I went up with you!” she heard her flat-mate jokingly complaining to him.

He didn’t answer. He just smiled while checking whether her seatbelt was securely fastened. Then he took the front seat, put on his helmet, glanced at her and asked.

“Are you ready?”

She forced a smile. “Yeah.” There was no turning back now.

But the scary moment only lasted less than five minutes. Once they took off and were in the air, she had totally forgotten her fear. This was awesome! It was exhilarating and at the same time it was spiritually soothing. She loved it! The solitude of the blue sky immediately embraced her. The ancient sea was now beneath her. The jewel-like islands, the photogenic white powdery beaches, the vast savannas, the wooden fisherman boats, the tourist ships, everything was beneath her. This must be what it feels like to be an eagle, she thought.

And her heart stopped for a second or two. An eagle.

Today was the day of the eagle. It was their anniversary. And she forgot to pray for him. She woke up too early and got too excited to prepare for this flight. She had forgotten the eagle. She had never forgotten before. She always prayed for him. But today, she forgot. Instead, she was flying. Like an eagle herself. With… an eagle.

And her heart stopped for a second or two. An eagle.

She remembered her dream just two days before on the jetty. Today you have met an eagle. His words echoed. An eagle who will take my place.

And below, a manta ray appeared close to the surface of that resplendently clear blue sea, flapping against the current, savoring the nutrient-rich sea while dancing the old-fashioned waltz so elegantly. He saw it too. She had now seen the manta both underwater and eagle’s eye view. That was indisputably a good sign. It had to be. She was sure of it.

The manta and the dream. Nothing was a coincidence. Everything happened for a reason. Today you have met an eagle. His words echoed. An eagle who will take my place. It was a moment of great awakening. The ghost’s words were words of wisdom, crowned with glory, understanding and a kind of purifying sensation.

And she closed her eyes for a moment, saying her prayer in the solitude of the sky. Happy anniversary. I still love you but I’m letting you go. I have met an eagle. Thank you.

*****

That was two years ago. Her prayer was not answered. If nothing was a coincidence, then it must be a trap.

Staying Young

Okay, it's been a while since I wrote my last blog. Heartbreaks and disappointments do kill inspirations. And I'm still uninspired actually... BUT... I received this email today that I thought I should share with you. Especially because this little article below makes me feel a lot better at being 40. Yup, I just turned 40 earlier this month. But hey, it's only a number... I don't feel any different today than I was 10 or even 20 years ago. So there you go!

Hope you enjoy the article below. And hope I will get back my inspirations soon enough so I can start writing my own cynical and suicidal views of the world again.

Here's George Carlin's Views on Aging (George Carlin is now 102 years old).

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .... .. You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
S o you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

AND HERE'S HOW TO STAY YOUNG!

1. Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. Heartbreaks do happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. (Boy, this one is surely for ME!)

7. Surround yourself with what you love. Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next country; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Routine is the Key

a pool of darkness
is slowly pulling under
water starts to fill the lungs
that once held so much life
and at the boundary
between light and dark
there's a painful realization

give in

because kicking, flailing and fighting
simply delay the inevitable
it's not worth it

so give in
but hide the pain
carry on
routine is the key

even if it kills
that was uniquely me

The Final Tale

Vita in ligno moritur: infernus et mors lugens spoliatur. (Life dies upon the tree: hell and death, mourning, are robbed of their prey.) — from the ancient intercessions used in the Dominican Rite

Shalom, sinister shadows of the dark
The ship is the color of lavender now
A terrible sign of demise
The downfall of a soul
Alive but no longer living
Breathing but no longer anywhere
Not knowing what to do
One speculation remains…
What do you wear to your own funeral?

Death came with twilight on that murky day
Joined the lost spirits that couldn’t return,
adrift aimlessly and disoriented
For a few seconds, loud thunder reminded you of Christ
Christus factus est pro nobis obediens usque ad mortem
Christ for our sake became obedient unto death
Unwillingly forced to enter the final submission
Fate, duty, agreement, compliance…
Then… what do you do after that?



I guess the dying observe all the vows
Whether they want to or not
Embrace death and its deprivations,
day by day…
In conformity to the Father’s wish
Or was it out of our own free will?
Or was it really out of love?
For whose salvation this time?
Is it really how faith is measured?

Shalom, sinister shadows of the dark
The ship is the color of lavender now
Joining the lost spirits that can’t return
We may never be praised with Him,
before whom every knee must bend
Unsure why desire has such negative connotation,
let’s take this fate anyway… in obedience…
One speculation remains…
What do you say at your own funeral?

The last page
The final tale
It’s done.

I'm Yours

- Jason Mraz Performance at Java Jazz 2009 -

I did not quite know what to expect. At Java Jazz, the best artists you’ve been waiting for could turn out to be real demanding jerks. So I didn’t expect anything. I’ve always loved his laid-back music and clever lyrics, but still I didn’t expect anything. I did my job as with the previous performances. I helped out the crew setup the stage, checked the riders, rechecked equipment, made sure all requested instruments were on stage, all plugged in and ready for line check. Then I just waited for the band manager to give me the song list so I could give it to the stage management and the multimedia teams.

I was just sitting on the side, at the left side of the stage near the mixer monitor. His band members came on stage and started their sound check. Jason was nowhere to be seen. We still had plenty of time before the scheduled performance so I didn’t bother to check his dressing room. I figured he’d know when it was his turn to do sound check. And he did.

As he walked up the left ramp in his loose white Balinese shirt, he looked straight at me (or that’s how I felt) and gave me a little smile and a little nod. Stupidly, I looked away! Pretending to be cool, giving a sign, “I’m working, man. I’m not one of your groupies, waiting for the show to be over so you could get into my pants.” Right! And even before he started singing, I heard his song softly playing in my ears…

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
And now I'm trying to get back

Shit! He looks like someone. He looks like… someone. He's like a younger version of... someone. How could that be? I pulled out my BlackBerry and started browsing for a face. A face on Facebook that I checked out often. Oh my God! If this is a joke, then it’s so not funny. I stared at that face on the tiny BB screen. Put a hat on that head and he could easily be mistaken for… Jason Mraz! Shit! Shit! A thousand times shit! Do I have to be reminded of him all the time? Shit!

I forced myself to concentrate on my job. Jason must finish this sound check in less than 30 minutes. The queue outside Plenary Hall was already so long and people with paid tickets had started to become impatient. We must open the doors and let them in. And he still needed to get back to his dressing room to finalize his repertoire, then he must give me a song list. Soon!

Before the cool done run out, I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

It was so damn hard to concentrate. So I put my BB back in my pocket and told myself, “He’s Jason Mraz. He may look like him but he’s not him. He’s Jason Mraz. Do your job, then let’s sing, let’s dance and let’s steal things.” Steal things! *Sigh* I’ve been trying to do just that. Stealing him away. “Snap out of it, Rin!”

Eventually, I snapped out of it and started to get busy again. I checked the MC’s cue cards, found the MC’s phone number on my notes, then I called the MC and asked him to standby backstage. The show would start on time at 6 PM. Meanwhile, Jason was still singing. I just ignored him.

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

The sound check was completed. I just finished briefing the MC. The first show of the day was crucial as the MC must first present the Indonesian Idol Divo who would lead the audience to sing the National Anthem. God knows why. The committee suddenly decided that this year the National Anthem would be played at the start of the first show. Whatever. And as I was standing by the door at the bottom of the ramp, I decided to reread my checklist. Everything was ready to go in 15 minutes. The MC, the Idol Divo and… Jason Mraz suddenly came up to me and said, “Hi!”

I was dumbstruck.

Did he just say hi?

To me?

I looked up at him and saw him smiling.

What do I say?

English, Rin… Speak English…

Just speak!

Now!

“Oh…”

OH? OH? WHAT THE HELL?

Say more!

Now!

“Hi! Everything’s OK?”

Duh!

This would be the perfect moment to bang my head on the wall ‘til it cracked open so I could see if I still had a brain in there. But he was still smiling and said, “Yeah, perfect! Are you OK?”

No, I’m not OK. I don’t know what to say to you!

“Do you need to go back to your dressing room to change? We will start the show in 15 minutes and I would appreciate it if I could have your fixed song list before then.”

Work? You’re talking about work? You’re talking about the song list?

Someone please shoot me!

“Not really. I’m gonna wear this for the show. You’ll get your song list from JD.”

JD is his tour manager.

“But I guess I’ll get back to my dressing room for a quick drink.”

And thank God this time I wasn’t so stupid anymore.

“Wait. Could I have a picture with you?”

“Sure!” And he was still smiling at me. Jesus! Didn’t he know that his smile made me want to cry?

I hurried and grabbed my BB, then gave it to the first person I found by the door.

And there you have it. A picture of Jason Mraz in his trademark hat, smiling cheerfully next to me!

“What’s your name?”

“Rini.”

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Rini.”

He shook my hand and smiled again.

“The pleasure’s all mine. I’m a big fan of yours.”

I’d like to add, “I’m yours.” But didn’t.

Then he walked back to his dressing room.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

The show was brilliant. I am more than just a fan of his now. For a brief one-and-a-half-hour show, through his look and his smiles and his laid-back music and his clever lyrics, he has reminded me of the one I treasure. The one I have loved so dearly. He may not be physically mine, but I have stolen so many things from him. I have left a permanent mark in his heart and there isn’t anything he can do to erase that. Forever.

Our time is short. Forever is short. But from the title of Jason Mraz’s album, we must continue to sing, dance and steal things. This is our fate. I’m sure. I’m yours.

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

A Prayer on Ash Wednesday

Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

Dear Father,
I know I’m not one of Your best children
I have zillions of doubts about You
I question You all the time
And I’m not really good at doing rituals
I get bored every now and again

But You know I’ve always stood my ground
I’ve always stood up for all of Your creations on Earth
And I’ve always followed my heart
Because I know You live there
And You communicate with me through it
Even though for that, for following my heart,
I’ve gotten in a whole lot of troubles most of my life

And for what?

I mean really… for what?

Dear Father,
I’m at wits end.
Whenever I need something from You,
You want me to pray and ask.
And I did. I have. I still am.
Even when You didn’t give me what I asked for
I kept praying. And kept my faith in You.

But for the past one and a half years
This has gotta be my BIGGEST,
MOST IMPORTANT request of all

This time,
I DO mind if You don’t give me what I’m asking for

But it looks like... the answer is “No”…
Isn’t it?
C’mon, just tell me!

I am so angry at You at the moment
And so disappointed…
I hope it’s okay for a child to be angry at her Father…
Because I am…

I mean… please tell me…
What is so wrong about my wish?

He crossed my path…
Why? What for?

Didn’t You do that?
What did You do that for?
I just came back from a long dive trip
You knew that…
I was tired, I was ready to sleep for the next few days
I wasn’t supposed to meet him at all
He wasn’t supposed to dive
He was supposed to fly, not dive!

But You had a different plan, didn’t You?
You made me go
And I HAD to meet him
And I HAD to cross HIS path
Why?
What for?
If this is how it’s gonna end, then why bother?

And the dream You gave me on the jetty that night?
What was that for?
Boy was dancing with me…
A dream about an eagle…
What the hell was that all about?
Excuse my language...

Then I flew… Like an eagle…
Right on my anniversary with Boy
It could’ve been a day before
Or a day later
But noooo… It had to be on June 10th, didn’t it?
What was that for?
How could You do that to me?

Then for over a year after that
You’ve put me on a rollercoaster ride,
where I had to constantly play the “cool” card
You gave me someone whom I could actually TALK to again
I mean really talk, really connect…
And share my idealism with
And share my dreams with
And share my fears with
What was that for?

And the worse thing about all this is
that You didn’t only give me that feeling
You gave it to him too!
Since the first time we met!
What for?

And after a year and a half,
You gave him the courage to actually TELL ME
He told me that he'd had a crush on me since we met!
WHAT FOR???

If things are gonna end up like this
Then I’d rather NOT find out at all, don’t You think?
So I could keep playing the freakin’ “cool” card!

Why did I have to meet him?
So instead of one, You now have two idiotic and suicidal "soldiers"
to defend Mother Nature for You?
That’s it? That’s all there is to it?
Well, You’re the GOD… You don’t need us!
You can defend the universe YOURSELF!

I didn’t have to meet anyone like him, if...
if You weren’t even going to give us a chance
to find out how wonderful, or not wonderful it could be

Really…
That’s really mean of You, You know?
And so totally unnecessary!

Why can’t I be with him?
Because someone would get hurt?
Because someone would be very disappointed?
Because someone would be so sad?
So it’s better to hurt ME instead?
So You decided to disappoint ME instead?
So it’s okay to make ME so sad?
Why?

Because You think I’m a lot stronger?
Because You tested me so many times before
and I always passed? I always survived?
Because You’ve equipped me with a great brain
to be able to handle things logically?
He adores me for this brain You gave me
Well, You know what? It’s a CURSE, not a BLESSING!
It’s a curse if it means I have to use it to compromise with my heart…

Today is Ash Wednesday
I’m not sure whether I’ll go to church today
Because I’m nothing but ashes
I’m no longer alive inside…

Today is Ash Wednesday
I’m running out of time
I’m also running out of faith

All my life I’ve had my doubts about You
But I always think it’s better to live my life as if You’re there
and die to find out that You’re not,
rather than live my life as if You’re not,
and die to find out that You are…

But this time…
This time I’m not so sure about that anymore…
The graceful, merciful God that You’re supposed to be
The One who grants wishes of the heart
The One who gives to those who ask

I’ve asked
I’ve prayed
I’ve come to you crying
I’ve begged
Then I’ve cried again
I’ve sung for You
Then I’ve cried again
Over and over

This is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I’ve ever wished for
And You KNOW it!

So why? Why can't You grant it?
Because You have a BIGGER and BETTER plan for me?
Well, if You do… and that’s why You can’t grant my wish,
then please share that plan with me… Now… Please…
Because I can’t wait any longer…
Because I can hardly breathe
Because I can hardly sleep
Because I’ve been afraid to wake up
Because nothing could make feel better lately…
Not even alcohol… imagine that…
It's so not me!
I simply haven't been myself for a while now...

Today is Ash Wednesday
I’m running out of time
I’m also running out of faith

Please take the wheel, Father
and lead me to where my heart wishes to be…
I need to know that You’re there, listening to me
I come to You on my knees today
Begging You one last time…
Please… please… please…
Grant this one wish…
Make it come true…

Yes, I’ve made promises to You before
And I know I don’t always keep them
But I’ve never made promises so publicly before
ON THE INTERNET!

But I’m going to make a promise today…
On the internet…

Today is Ash Wednesday

And on this Ash Wednesday,
I promise, dear Father…
If You make this wish come true
I’ll never miss church again
for as long as You give me the physical strength to get there
And I’ll recite the Rosary to Virgin Mary
everyday, as soon as I wake up…

I promise…

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.

Off into the Unknown

My eyes are wide open and my heart is thudding hard within my chest. The weather is calm, yet lightning cracks over and over again inside me, sounding so evil, calling my name. I’m choking. It almost feels like I could never breathe again… I’m so scared…

When darkness rises, tears shall fall. Yet I can’t cry. Something is lurking very near. Yet I can’t scream. Up to the wall I put my ear, trying to listen but not too near. This isn’t a killer or a thief. This is something much worse. This is an invisible villain that could deceive my mind and poison my soul.

There is that false illusion again as I see images rush past in the crowded corner of my existence. Something compels me to follow. One question. Am I brave enough? I give up. I’m not brave enough. But wait. It suddenly becomes very quiet. What’s going on? Something’s wrong. Moments pass. I turn around. And there it is. Next thing I know, I don’t know anything. I’m off into the unknown. Don’t know whether I’d ever return.

Please Help Stop Whaling!

* A NOTE FROM GREENPEACE - Whaling and dealing: Tell the US to stop negotiating at the expense of whales *

We have received worrying rumours of a political deal that could result in increased whaling off the coast of Japan - threatening already endangered whales. We need your help in ensuring that this deal is killed off - and not the whales.

According to leaked reports from a closed door meeting in Hawaii, the International Whaling Commission is currently considering a proposal that would involve the trading of a small reduction in the quota of whales that Japan hunts in the Southern Ocean Whale Sanctuary, in return for an agreed increase in hunting minke whales off the coast of Japan. Of greatest concern is that one of the minke whale populations in this area is listed as endangered.

The only acceptable agreement would be a complete end to Japanese whaling in the Southern Ocean Whale Sanctuary - but we cannot let this happen at the cost of endangered whales in the North Pacific.

The most disturbing information about these reports is that the United States IWC Commissioner and the US Chair of the IWC seem to be at the forefront of the proposal. Both are appointees from the Bush administration who are still in place, and already attempting to undermine Obama's foreign policy on whaling.

It is clear that there are many, many big issues on President Obama’s plate in his first week in the Oval Office. His words and action on climate change and other environmental issues are very welcome but if the news reports are true, then this issue simply cannot wait.

While on the campaign trail, President Obama’s position was unequivocal - no commercial whaling and stronger international regulations on whaling.

Please help by sending a letter to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and Professor Jane Lubchenco, President Obama’s newly appointed administrator of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration – the two departments responsible for preserving ocean life.

TO SEND A LETTER, GO TO:
http://www.greenpeace.org/international/campaigns/oceans/whaling/ending-japanese-whaling/US-whaling-dealing