my hands are cold...

Sitting here, contemplating my fate… Going through old messages, reading old notes… Nothing is forgotten… Nothing… A familiar image of a very short time… Over and around me everywhere I go, everywhere I look… If it’s not real, then why do I have the feeling of being watched? When the only thing I wanna do is cry, the sound wakes me up suddenly, one particular image flashes brightly, one particular name that turns my dream to nothing but gray… There! The answer is so loud and clear! There’s such finality in that little travel plan. Why is the heart so stubborn? Refusing to believe, declining to accept, rejecting every logic…

Unnoticed, unheard, unseen… Keep wondering whether you remember me at my best or whether you remember me at all… What does it take? What should I do? I continue to sit in silence, hoping one of these days, you may stumble across… I can only hope you’d do it in time, otherwise I would have drifted too far... Fading out of the lives of everyone… nearly unnoticed…

Lately, days and nights are so full of secrets. Everything’s hidden. Yet you still appear so beautiful. Dangerously beautiful. And swimming in beauty, there’s a glimmer of hope that the undiscovered knowledge favors my wishes… The hope of having you waiting around the next corner… to wipe my tears away, to hold and warm my cold hands… Because I can’t let myself believe that when something good is gone, it will never come back around…

Enough of this curse. I know there’s something there… You’re not invincible… That I’m sure… Enough of these trivial things. I know it’s getting too hard to ignore… You’re not immune to morning sunlight and evening twilight… That I’m sure… Again, awaiting the next full moon… Yup, that will be the time… It must be the time to take in the fullest essence of this life… You…

Global Warming 101

The Golden Triangle

While Thailand is always highly regarded by the shoppoholics, it is often underrated for adventure. The landscape has everything. Let’s visit a bigger chunk of Thailand’s northern territory, appropriately known as “The Golden Triangle”.

Stunning scenery, towering mountains, exquisite heritage temples and exotic hill-tribe living represent a nation both deeply traditional and thrillingly young. Yes, you must sort of exit the most favorite tourist routes to call on the far north, by taking an extra flight from Bangkok to the “Rose of the North”, the eclectic city of Chiang Mai. As you arrive, direct your trip to the most southern point of the Golden Triangle, right on the banks of the Mekhong River. This is the ancient city of Chiang Saen, the birthplace of Mengrai, who founded the kingdom of Lanna. Around 1328, the city you see today was laid out when King Saen Phu, Mengrai’s nephew moved the capital of Lanna to Chiang Saen, which he obviously named after himself. Chiang Saen today is an interesting place to visit. You can easily make out the remains of most of the city's walls, as well as several temples. In the grounds of the old Wat Mahathat is an information center that can provide you with the most current happenings in this city.

At the top of a hill, a short distance from the northwest corner of Chiang Saen is the temple of Wat Phra Dat Jom Kitty. The temple is thought to pre-date the founding of Chiang Saen and was practically in ruins until recently. It has been restored with a new wiharn and made a royal temple. Adorned with intricately detailed gable, it’s a beautiful example of Chiang Saen style. Inside, you can find a large Buddha sitting serenely under an artificial Bodhi tree.

Then, a lazy afternoon can be spent by taking a boat tour on the Mekhong River, which will cruise right into the heart of the Golden Triangle, that is where borders of Thailand, Myanmar and Laos met. The 10th longest river in the world and the longest river in Southeast Asia, the Mekhong runs through narrow valley towards the Yunnan Province of China. While via the Golden Triangle, the river flows into Vientiane Plain. Once notorious for widespread opium production, the region remains a top attraction for its picturesque views, tranquil indigenous hill-tribe living along the riverbanks and an exotic sense of adventure all the way!

That is not all of course. You still must pay a visit to Lisu Village and Phami Akha hill-tribe community center, join an elephant safari at the Maesa Elephant Camp and buy handicrafts in Sankampaeng District. Not to mention the orchid farm and a stopover at the famous Buddha image of the Wat Phra Singh. All in all, despite its notorious past, the Golden Triangle provides a rare chance to reconnect with the soul inside us, a journey of the heart.

Ave Maria

I am cornered, Father…
even the trail can no longer be seen
I want to fly again, Father…
free like an eagle, free like I used to be
wanting to know the sand dunes
on the only non-stop flight
that's no longer mine

I'm lounging here naked, Father…
every word has been said in the dark
I'm out of words now
I've tried...
I've tried...
I've tried...
I've tried...
everything is so unfamiliar…
everything is wrapped in fog…

I'm tired, Father…
thrown between a trench, an old house and a story
like a boat without an ocean
glorious flutters of the eagle are now darkly scandalized
unyielding… I'm losing my waves, Father…
I want to walk along the coast of hope
yet only gloom waits at its end, saying goodbye…

I want to laugh without restraint, Father…
happiness that once dropped by for a while
but now… when the church orchestra plays Ave Maria
I want to run, Father… to Your embrace, if you still care
take me with You, Father…
I'm exhausted…
I give up…
I don't understand this particular will of Yours…

Sepotong Doa di Gede-Pangrango

Aliran hangat membanjiri hati dengan memori. Setiap pohon dan setiap lambaian daun, setiap rekah bunga dan setiap suara satwa, bahkan hembusan angin dan vibrasi bumi saat telapak memijak, semua seolah menyapa rindu, “Dari mana aja? It’s been a long time…”

24 tahun lalu, this used to be my playground. Taman bermain yang selalu sukses melenyapkan resah gelisah, nyaris setiap akhir pekan. Usiaku baru 15 tahun dan Taman Nasional Gede-Pangrango, yang saat itu hanya dikenal sebagai Gunung Gede (2.958 mdpl) dan Gunung Pangrango (3.019 mdpl), jadi tempat menumpahkan energi menyebalkan setelah seminggu bergumul dengan kimia, fisika dan pelajaran lainnya. Kala teman-teman sebaya menghentakkan kaki di lantai dansa atau jalan-jalan sore di Jl. Melawai Raya, aku lebih suka menyatu dengan elemen-elemen alam di kawasan Cibodas ini. Dan menjadi salah satu elemennya.

24 tahun sudah. Mendakinya sekarang tak lagi semudah dulu, tapi kesan yang ditinggalkan setiap kaki melangkah tetap menyatukan dengan alam yang telah mengajarkanku tentang cinta dengan cuma-cuma. Mengajarkan kemuliaan Tuhan tanpa perlu buka buku agama. Merasakan sentuhan kasih abadi-Nya tanpa berpandu Kitab Suci. Inilah hidup yang sesungguhnya.

Pos TNGP - Air Terjun Cibeureum, ± 2,6 Km
24 tahun silam, pos TNGP hanya sebidang bangunan jelek yang dijaga satu orang, kadang dua. Namun kini, gubuk jelek itu ternyata telah dibangun menjadi sebuah pondok kecil yang nyaman, bersebelahan dengan dinding bertegel hitam dan bertulisan “Taman Nasional Gede-Pangrango”. Beberapa langkah dari situ, terdapat sebuah taman kecil dengan beberapa pondok tertata rapi. Inilah pusat informasi bagi para pendaki. Dari sini, pendakian dimulai santai, melalui jalan setapak beralaskan batu-batu sungai yang sengaja dibuat landai. Tak sadar aku tersenyum, teringat cerita lama…

24 tahun yang lalu, aku menangis beberapa ratus meter menjelang puncak. Nyaris menyerah. Dan seorang senior pendaki mengajarkanku untuk meresapi tiap langkah. Mendengarkan suara angin di pepohonan, nyanyian burung, aliran air, gemerisik dedaunan, termasuk mengamati setiap daun kering yang jatuh ke bumi. Menyerap energi dari semua makhluk hidup yang ada di sini. Dari situlah kekuatan datang. Tak perlu jalan cepat-cepat. Jadikan setiap balutan kain di kulit menjadi bagian dari kulit itu sendiri. Jadikan tas ransel di bahu menjadi bagian dari berat badan sendiri. Jadikan jasad ini bagian dari alam. Aku pun mencapai puncak. Keampuhan nasehat itu sudah aku buktikan dalam tiap perjalanan, berat maupun ringan. Nasehat ini aku amalkan dalam setiap pekerjaan sehari-hari, agar tak pernah kepikiran untuk menyerah.

24 tahun memori aku tapaki dalam 1 jam, hingga gemuruh Air Terjun Cibeureum berdentam di hadapan mata. Tumpahan megah dari ketinggian sekitar 50 m menghantam bebatuan, tak henti, tak kenal lelah. Dan lagi-lagi... aku tersenyum sendiri …

Air Terjun Cibeureum - Sungai Air Panas, ± 3,5 Km
24 tahun kenangan terurai. Tanjakan yang harus dilalui mulai menampakkan sudut-sudut terjal, walau masih tetap cukup landai dengan batu-batu besar berserakan di sana sini. Aku teringat kata-kata sahabatku saat itu, “Batu besar nggak boleh disia-siakan.” Maksudnya, saat badan belum ‘panas’, kita jadi cepat lelah. Batu-batu besar itulah tempat istirahat yang paling ideal. Perjalanan pun jadi sering terhenti untuk menenangkan senggal napas di batu-batu. Namun saat nasehat meditasi tadi mulai ‘bekerja’, justru aku jadi malas berhenti. Istirahat terlalu lama malah mengacaukan ritme. Tak terasa, 2 jam kemudian, aku tiba di sungai kecil yang airnya mengalir tenang. Cepat-cepat aku membuka alas kaki, lalu merendam tungkai letih ini dalam airnya. Aaah… hangat merayap, memijat-mijat, lenyapkan lelah. As always, sungai air panas ini is my private spa.

Sungai Air Panas - Kandang Badak, ± 1,3 Km
24 tahun mengendap dalam dada. Berdegup jantung dibuatnya. Perjalanan masih manageable, tak terlalu ringan, tapi juga tak terlalu berat. Namun, aku tahu persis apa yang menghadang. Kandang Badak adalah ‘batas’ perjalanan yang santai ini. Setelah itu, tanjakan-tanjakan terjal dengan sudut 45 hingga 60 derajat harus dilalui sampai ke puncak. Karenanya, di sini aku istirahat agak panjang, membuka bekal makan siang, lalu tidur-tiduran dan menghimpun tenaga.

Kadang Badak - Tangga Uyo - Puncak Gunung Gede, ± 3 Km
24 tahun ternyata lama ya? Walau sering gengsi untuk diakui, biar bagaimana aku tidak lagi berusia 15 tahun… Dan kenyataan ini amat terasa saat aku berusaha memanjat tiap tanjakan, bertumpu pada akar-akar pepohonan untuk mengangkat badan. Perlahan menghadapi tantangan dalam diam, menyimpan keluhan dalam hati saja. Biar cuma Tuhan yang mendengarnya. Kawasan ini dulu punya gelar di antara anggota klab pencinta alamku. “Tangga Uyo”, begitu namanya. Karena Uyo adalah temanku yang tinggi jangkung, dan rasanya hanya dia yang bisa melalui tanjakan gila ini dengan melangkah biasa seperti naik tangga, tanpa harus bergelayutan seperti kera. Di sinilah aku dulu menangis kelelahan. Dan kenangan ini kembali membuat aku tersenyum sendiri, memberi kekuatan ekstra. Aku semangati hati sambil meraih akar pohon berikutnya, tetap berupaya mencapai puncak. Setelah 2 jam lamanya, barulah puncak gunung menyeruak, memamerkan kebesaran Tuhan berupa panorama tiada tara. Puji Tuhan…

Puncak Gunung Gede - Alun-Alun Surya Kencana, ± 1 Km

24 tahun bukan angka belaka. Perjalanan ke Alun-Alun Surya Kencana, dengkul ini mulai protes. Pegal dan kaku, seolah menolak untuk melangkah lebih jauh lagi, padahal jalannya menurun dan bisa ditempuh dalam waktu kurang dari 30 menit. Namun taburan bunga-bunga edelweiss yang menghiasi keseluruhan lembah yang amat luas ini segera membuatku memarahi dengkul dan memaksanya untuk menurut. Surya Kencana yang cantik adalah tempat aku berkemah malam ini, di antara bunga abadi lambang cinta. Di sini, cinta, doa dan harapan mendadak punya makna yang suci, bukan sekedar keinginan duniawi. Di Surya Kencana, hidup ini jadi punya arti. Aku pejamkan mata. Dan tanpa menengadah, tanpa harus menatap langit, aku tahu, Tuhan hadir di hati.

Thank You, my Lord, my Savior… Yes, i'm the fool who always attempts to accomplish near-impossible goals with almost reckless abandon. Yes, I always want what I can't have. Tapi berbekal keabadian cinta Surya Kencana, aku tetap menanti janji-Mu, kabulkan doaku…

lovingly dedicated to that particular little corner of my soul where you have lived and enabled me to always see beautiful sceneries 26.07.08

[aerial photo by: Jez O'Hare]

Coincidence

do you believe in coincidence? well, i don't. that's why even while shivering and sighing, i swear that it means something. it must mean something. it is infinite and it is undying. but now i wonder, maybe one of us is just lying...

do you believe that our actions in life are predestined? well, i do. that's why i believe in that good day when the sun was shinning. that's why it was exactly on the day that i would otherwise be in the cemetery. i believe that the eagle has returned. but now i wonder, maybe my life is predestined to be made up of coincidences. like when stupid girls look at me like i'm stupid...

yeah... yeah... this is probably just one of life's crazy games. one of God's bad jokes. go ahead and laugh. but when (read: if) i survive through this intoxicating maze WITHOUT the prize that i want, i'll walk over to you and say, "you should NEVER talk again!" oh yes, i will hold you accountable for making me believe in this shit…

i need divine intervention. NOW!

Masih Sibuk Dengan Friendster & Facebook?

Udah lama gw gak lagi ikutan yang namanya mailing list alias milis, group chat, or whatever else namanya. Dan beberapa hari yang lalu, gw pun memutuskan untuk men-delete account friendster. Kenapa? Capek aja dan bosen! Emang kenapa sih? What’s the big freakin’ deal? Di dunia maya, ada 2 accounts yang gw masih punya: facebook dan blog ini. Facebook pun udah mulai ganggu berat dengan sejuta email-email gak penting (how popular are you?, how good of a kisser are you?, which city do you want to live in?, poke, poke, poke, someone just sent you a hug… etc., etc. etc.) yang masuk ke inbox gw setiap hari. Super gak penting!

Friendster, facebook, milis dan hal-hal kayak gini kan cuma sekedar ajang popularitas aja. I mean, fine lah kalo elo masih remaja or young adults. Tapi buat orang-orang seumuran gw, udah kepala 4 or mostly hampir kepala 4, buat apa ya ajang kayak gini? So kita nemuin temen-temen lama yang udah gak pernah ketemu sejak belasan or bahkan puluhan tahun lalu. So what? Jujur aja, sebagian besar orang-orang yang gw add sebagai “friend” sebenarnya udah gak bisa lagi dianggep “friend”. Serius deh. Selain banyak banget nama yang gw gak kenal, or nama yang gak bisa di-connect ama tampangnya no matter how hard I’ve tried searching in the deepest of my brain cells, mereka ini orang-orang yang udah sibuk sendiri, udah berkeluarga, udah kerja, dan yang terpenting… kemungkinan besar udah gak sejalan, sepikiran dan sealiran lagi ama elo yang sekarang. Semua nostalgia yang mengharu biru tentang betapa kompaknya kalian dulu, jalan bareng, makan bareng, nyontek bareng, mabok bareng, nyari pacar bareng or whatever… itu semua kan tinggal kenangan… Dengan kita bisa ketemu lagi sekarang di ajang friendster or facebook or milis, toh the best we can do cuma sekedar inget-inget masa itu, tapi gak bisa diulang lagi.

Emang ada sih yang bilang, ajang ini juga bisa dijadiin ajang networking. Ada potensi bisnisnya. Kali-kali aja ada temen yang akhirnya bisa kerja bareng atau malah jadi klien dan sumber income paling gress. Okay... tapi berapa persen sih dari kalian bisa memanfaatkan ajang ini sebagai media berbisnis dan cari duit? Ngaku deh, sebagian besar dari kalian paling sekedar seneng ngeliatin foto-foto... ih, kayak apa ya dia sekarang... nulis testimoni, atau ngirimin gambar-gambar lucu di wall, atau sekedar ha-ha-hi-hi gak jelas... Maybe, sebagian dari kalian menganggap ini “silaturahmi”. Tapi saya menganggapnya sebagai bukti nyata bahwa manusia… sudah mati. Manusia masa kini hanya seonggok daging yang punya nama. Tambah lama tambah gak jelas aktivitasnya. Tambah lama tambah dangkal pemikirannya. Tambah lama tambah hedonistik. Tambah lama tambah terpisah dari rantai kehidupan yang sesungguhnya… It’s absolutely sickening…

Manusia bukanlah spesies yang istimewa. Kita tidak punya penciuman super tajam seperti ular dan komodo. Kita tidak punya radar supersonic seperti kelelawar. Kita tidak diberikan tubuh yang besar seperti gajah atau taring yang tajam seperti singa. Kita tidak bisa terbang seperti burung dan tidak bisa hidup di dalam air seperti ikan. Kita hanya diberikan sebuah otak yang (seharusnya) sangat cemerlang dan sebuah hati yang (seharusnya) sangat mulia. Namun, ironisnya, dengan akal yang cemerlang itulah kita telah menginjak-injak kehidupan lain di muka bumi ini. Dengan akal yang cemerlang itulah kita telah merampas rumah bagi berbagai keanekaragaman hayati. Dengan akal yang cemerlang itulah kita menghindari rasa sakit dan berusaha main ‘tak umpet’ dengan kematian, melalui beragam obat-obatan, mengoles beragam produk anti-aging, yang diolah dengan cara merampas dan/atau mengorbankan makhluk-makhluk lain. Dengan akal yang cemerlang itulah kita memisahkan diri dari elemen-elemen kehidupan lainnya, tanpa mampu menyadari bahwa kita tidak mungkin mempertahankan spesies kita, the human race, jika semua elemen-elemen itu punah.

Manusia tidak sadar, bahwa minyak kelapa sawit yang terkandung di begitu banyak produk kecantikan dan kebugaran, telah merampas habitat orangutan dan berbagai primata lainnya, harimau dan berbagai kucing besar lainnya, burung-burung tropis yang cantik menawan, beragam binatang melata dan amfibi, serta berjuta-juta hektar pepohonan hutan yang KITA butuhkan untuk bernapas! Manusia tidak sadar atau sekedar tidak peduli… gw udah gak bisa bedain lagi… Mana otak yang cemerlang itu? Mana hati yang mulia itu? Semua sudah mati!

Manusia tidak sadar, bahwa karena keinginan kita hidup dengan mudah dan praktis, kita telah memperlakukan bumi ini layaknya sebuah tempat sampah besar. Manusia tidak sadar, bahwa ketakutan kita akan rasa sakit dan harapan kita untuk hidup selamanya, telah membunuh jutaan binatang dalam proses penelitian dan pembuatan obat-obatan. Bahkan, ini yang paling sickening, perempuan jaman sekarang begitu takutnya dengan proses melahirkan secara alami sehingga banyak dari mereka yang memilih untuk menjalani operasi Caesar saja. Padahal... hal ini SANGAT merugikan bagi bayinya! Dia tidak sempat mengalami masa penantian di mulut vagina sang ibunda. Di mulut vagina inilah dia seharusnya membangun sistem kekebalan tubuhnya melalui bakteri-bakteri dan mikro-organisme lainnya yang ada di situ. Iya, bakteri-bakteri yang menyebabkan vagina berbau “khas”, itulah yang dibutuhkan bayi untuk membangun kekebalan tubuh yang alami! Mana otak yang cemerlang itu? Mana hati yang mulia itu? Semua sudah mati!

Manusia menganggap dirinya paling hebat, paling sempurna. Karena itu manusia tak pernah mau belajar dan berkaca dari alam ini. Alam yang telah memberikannya kehidupan itu sendiri. Coba lihat segala makhluk yang ada di alam ini. Mereka pun berkembang biak, melahirkan, merasakan sakit, dan akhirnya mati. Satu kematian merupakan awal dari kehidupan lainnya. Tidak ada yang pake operasi Caesar segala! Tidak ada yang berusaha hidup selamanya! Kenapa kita menganggap kita beda dari mereka? Mana otak yang cemerlang itu? Mana hati yang mulia itu? Semua sudah mati!

Manusia, terutama di Indonesia, mengaku kalau dirinya percaya pada Tuhan. Sholat 5 waktu dan rajin ke gereja. Bersemedi dan melantunkan irama-irama doa. Tapi setiap hari, mereka menghancurkan, meremehkan, mengabaikan anugerah Tuhan yang telah diletakkan di atas planet ini untuk membela kehidupan. Hutan bakau yang berfungsi menahan ombak dan mencegah erosi, habis dikonversi jadi pemukiman, perkebunan dan daerah industri. Hutan tropis yang mampu menyerap karbon, memproduksi oksigen, mencegah erosi dan banjir, mengatur iklim, habis semua demi pola hidup hedonistik manusia. Terumbu karang tempat semua kehidupan di lautan berawal, habis dibom dan diracuni. Jangan bilang percaya sama Tuhan! Jangan berani-berani! Not in front of me! Belajar dari alam, itu kitab suci yang terbaik! Mana otak yang cemerlang itu? Mana hati yang mulia itu? Semua sudah mati!

Dan kalian semua masih saja berha-ha-hi-hi di friendster, facebook dan milis. Masih juga bikin reuni sekedar mengungkit-ungkit kisah lama. Masih juga kumpul-kumpul gak karuan. Kenapa sih gak bisa menggunakan energi itu untuk MERUBAH PERILAKU??? Biarkan kisah lama jadi kenangan. Jadilah manusia baru yang benar-benar punya otak dan hati. Dan mungkin seiring perubahan itu, kalian akan punya teman-teman baru dan akhirnya terpisah dari yang lama. Ya gak apa-apa! Segitu takutnya dengan perubahan kah kita? Ini perubahan yang penting... bukan untuk membela planet bumi... planet ini akan ada terus tanpa kita... tapi untuk membela kehidupan kita sendiri. DAN... kehidupan kita tidak mungkin bertahan tanpa kelestarian dan keutuhan rantai kehidupan lainnya... di mana kita termasuk di dalamnya!

BITCH [by Meredith Brooks]

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet...

Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one

[Chorus 1]
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

[Chorus 2]
Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
But don't try to save me

[Chorus 3]
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

please don't...

don't...
just don't...
please don't...
not this one...
not this time...
please don't...
just don't
don't...

the scary aspects of the unknown

right, so that's it? nothing more? none from my scenarios? no surprises either?
how am i supposed to focus more on the exhilarating aspects of the unknown
if all i get are the scary aspects of it...
it's so painful to have to question what seemed to me very solidly established
no light and warmth after a dark time...
no sign of rejuvenation and growth...
nothing illuminates and no good fortune is on its way...
and the sun is supposed to signify a time of clarity and power
right...
bullshit!
astral climate my ass!
just a bunch of crap!

PROVE IT!

THEN i'll believe!

Mantra

jujur, kepala ini nyut-nyutan gak jelas
kalau boleh teriak-teriak belagak gila
aku sudah teriak-teriak belagak gila
bulan di atas kepala diajak diskusi
dimintai nasehat dan disuruh jadi kurir
angin dan gemerisik dedaunan
diperintah untuk jadi juru bicara
alam beserta segala energinya
harusnya menyatu dengan energiku
dengan aura-aura yang makin semu
mungkin sekarang giliran cacing tanah
atau tikus yang mampu menembus dinding
atau cicak yang sembunyi di balik lukisan
mungkin mereka yang mau dan mampu
sampaikan berita tanpa kata-kata
hanya lewat isyarat dan denyut dalam dada
hanya lewat tatapan dan lamunan dan mimpi
hanya lewat harapan belaka

jujur, aku mulai benar-benar frustasi...
mungkin ini saatnya mengambil segelas air
dan mengucapkan sekelumit mantra
setiap hari selama 21 hari

Om Hareeng Mohini Swaha...

Atau mengambil sebatang pena warna hijau
dan menulis di secarik kertas lusuh

Zejsevolinir...

Atau membakar cabai-cabai merah menyala
di atas api panas yang membara

Om Chimi Chimi my enemy...

But I have no idea who the enemy is...

bosan

yang baik dan masih dibutuhkan
selalu, itu yang diambil
yang jahat dan tidak berguna
dibiarkan tinggal dan merepotkan
membahayakan
menyebalkan
mengganggu
merusak
membebani
menyakitkan

bosan..
bikin kesal..

yang diinginkan
yang didambakan
yang diharapkan
cuma mimpi

bosan..
bikin muak..

mana Mara?
sini, sini
jawab aku!

it's today

on the wings of an eagle
touching the skies
landing on a beautiful blue star
choosing it to dwell there forever
while listening to the winds soft cry
my light, my sight
there's no other way
as all i see is you..

jul 12, 2008 . it's today

the legend of the lost

we are beaten
we are corrupted
we are dying

in our own blood we are lying
does anything still need explaining?

pretty soon
the human race will become
the legend of the lost...

still sleeping?


hopeless n frustrated . july 11, 2008


[one-third of amphibians are under risks of extinction due to exotic animal trade, climate change and human's early pregnancy tests.]

[reef-building corals are more threatened than any group of land-dwelling animals except amphibians, with 16% of reefs will be irreversibly destroyed as global temperature rises.]

[in 5-10 years, the arctic will be ice-free during summer months.]

[many bees could be totally wiped out in 10 years leading to food shortage and price increase of fruits and nuts. In California and U.K., most beehives are empty, so now they must import bees from other places with cooler climate, like Oregon.]


the list can go on and on... yet you're still sleeping...

trapped

this soul is restlessly wandering
lost in colors that get darker and darker
blurring my vision but not my thoughts

can’t even feel the ground beneath my feet
can’t even find gravity
but i guess the truth has no gravity

all that is left is a reflection
of a ghostly silhouette
escaping into cold emptiness

answers seem to appear one moment
but suddenly vanish in two seconds
leaving a pool of anguish lying within

desperately denying reality
desperately wanting to believe with clarity
this illusion…

go back just a bit over a year… please…
and free me from this trap…

july 7, 2008

[the world and i are not on speaking terms. the world keeps trying to win me back, but it hasn’t worked. i guess i’m just not the forgiving type]

Farewell, Uda Iche. Rest in Peace!

I really don’t know what to say
I really don’t know what to pray
As lately I’m not even sure that God exists
Or if He does, whether He even cares…

But I want you to know that you’ll be missed
And that death is not the end
It can never be the end
Death is the road
Life is the traveler
The soul is the guide
And I’m traveling on the same road
So I know I’ll see you again…

Thank you for childhood filled with laughter
Thank you for tons of mischief and fun
Thank you for support and inspirations
Thank you for being you…

As our mind constantly thinks of death
Our heart thinks of life
But our soul only thinks of immortality
So I know I’ll see you again…

Farewell for now, Uda Iche…
May you rest in peace!

The Carbon Trading Fairytale

I was so excited before the Asia-Pacific Forest Carbon Training last week, thought I’d actually learn something valuable to finally save the Earth. Couldn’t wait for it, thinking that carbon trading would be the best solution ever… People want money, so we give them money by keeping the carbon credits in our trees. But from sitting at the very front row to make sure I got a clear view of every presentation (being short and all), day after day I found myself losing interest and by the end of the week I sat at the back, sending text messages, yahoo chatting with friends on my cell phone, playing minesweeper and hearts on my laptop, slipping out for a cigarette every 30 minutes or so, and avoiding every “after-session” function so I didn’t have a chance to accidentally blurt out my honest evaluation on the course to these supposedly well-respected and highly qualified carbon trainers…. Angry mode : ON… Rebellious mode : ON… Totally-can’t-give-a-shit-anymore mode : ON…

Well, here’s my “evaluation report”.

So… here’s the ultimate question :

DOES CARBON TRADING / CARBON PROJECT = CONSERVATION?

SHORT ANSWER : NO.

You can take my words for it and ignore the rest of the email. Or, if you want to depress yourself more, you can read on and try to understand the long answer…

LONG ANSWER:

First of all, carbon trading turns out to be nothing but fairytale. Because the ONLY THING that counts in this new “eco-market” is CARBON. It’s just another way of corrupting the climate change issue.

During the training, they (the trainers) did touched a little bit on the other dangerous greenhouse gasses like CH4 (methane), N2O (nitrous oxide), hydrofluorocarbons (HFCs), perfluorocarbons (PFCs) and sulphur hexafluoride (SF6).

Carbon dioxide (CO2) has a lifetime of 5 – 2000 years in the atmosphere, depending on where it is and what kind of chemical processes it has undergone with the other gasses. CH4 can stay in the atmosphere 23 times longer than CO2. While N2O can stay in the atmosphere 296 times longer than CO2. The rest of the gasses live much longer, up to 22,000 times longer!

But because our forests / trees have given us a mechanism to absorb and store carbon, it’s natural that we only count the “carbon credits” or “carbon stocks” (the amount of carbon stored in trees) as the basis for this emerging market. We do this, they say, to protect our forests from being deforested or converted.

That’s great.

And that’s the fairytale.

As the training became more technical, however, I found out these facts:

• The internationally accepted definition of “forest” has 2 components:
  1. Canopy cover
  2. Tree height


• Each country has its own definition of “forest” and submitted this definition to UNFCCC. But in summary, the definition is based on 3 criteria:
  1. Minimum tree crown cover (ONLY) between 10 and 30%.
  2. Minimum land area (ONLY) between 0.05 and 1 Ha.
  3. Minimum tree height (ONLY) between 2 and 5 m.
  

Let’s think about it. Many of our lands in Indonesia are still fertile enough that when you cut down all the trees on a land, some resilient species still persist and live on or at least regenerate very quickly, giving you… at least 30% canopy cover in the area of at least 0.5 Ha, with average tree height of 4m.

HEY… in that case, by definition, THERE’S NO DEFORESTATION IN INDONESIA!!! LET’S GO HOME!!! Right.

So now you see, anything that satisfies those criteria WILL be considered a forest. That includes… oil palm plantation, coffee plantation, whatever else plantation… They’re green too… They absorb carbon too, some even absorb carbon at a better rate than normal forest trees…

Then it’s not so surprising that “afforestation” or monoculture tree plantations is listed as one of the activities that can generate carbon credits. Of course, there’s a criteria that afforestation can only be established on land that has not been forested since 1 Jan 1989. So it’s against international law to clear a forest and convert it into plantation. This is good. At least, we have something against Sinar Mas and other idiots who plan to clear Mamberamo for their plantations.

But my concern isn’t just about deforestation in Mamberamo or anywhere. My concern is that biofuel (oil palm, nipah, sugarcane, etc.) is being included in the framework to fight climate change, while the reality isn’t quite like that. Yes, biofuel means renewable source of energy that will help us reduce 2-century long dependency on fossil fuel. But this doesn’t necessarily mean we also reduce carbon emission. In fact, it could worsen the situation by not only emitting carbon but also other greenhouse gasses. AND… instead of being a solution to the climate crisis and oil crisis, the current biofuel policies of rich countries are contributing to a third crisis: the food crisis. This, according to OXFAM, is another inconvenient truth…

Biofuel plantations do absorb carbon just like any green forest on this planet. But unlike a natural forest, plantations need fertilizers and extra source of water for irrigation. The entire process of keeping a productive plantation will essentially release N2O and CH4. Not to mention the process of turning the crops into fuel, which, if not controlled and monitored closely, could release even more carbon into the atmosphere than a traditional fossil fuel operation. Then let’s say you put the finished product, the biofuel, in your car. Even with biofuel, your car will STILL emit CO2.

And even with the regulation that plantations must be established on non-forested land, how can we control and monitor that these plantations are not established on areas that are NOT supposed to be forests, such as savannas and natural grasslands?

So reading through the OXFAM report, biofuels turn out to be an overly expensive way of achieving emissions reductions from transport. Improving car efficiency is far more cost effective: while the costs of avoiding a ton of CO2 through biofuels run into the hundreds of dollars, ambitious improvements in vehicle efficiency can yield profits, as reduced fuel costs exceed technology costs. Biomass can be used far more efficiently in static applications such as commercial boilers or combined heat and power.

Another thing that bothers me is that even though a carbon project must show reduced deforestation below a “business-as-usual” baseline and also account for “leakage” (leakage is defined as increased deforestation elsewhere, which is directly or indirectly caused by a particular carbon project), there’s still no clear mechanism on how to define leakage areas and how much would be tolerated and what are the consequences for failing to control it. And since the leakage area is only defined in terms of deforestation (loss of carbon stock elsewhere), increased emissions of other greenhouse gasses could be ignored and would not be included as “leakage”.

Then, what REALLY pissed me off are this table and this graph:

So apparently, we in Indonesia are only contributing 7.4% of carbon to the atmosphere. AND that already INCLUDES the amount of carbon emitted from FOREIGN industrial companies in this country!

Look at the graph. Find anything funny? IT IS THEM that has destroyed their fucking forests, exploited our natural resources, emitted all kinds of greenhouse gasses from landfills, mining, manufacturing, electrical transmission and distribution system, land use conversion, fertilizer use, livestock production, all the while teaching us about commercialism and consumerism FOR OVER TWO FUCKING CENTURIES!!!!!

Even the graph isn’t quite right. If you really look at it, it looks like that we, in the developing countries, have also started to emit greenhouse gasses from the 1800s and that now we emit even greater amount of gasses than our developed neighbors. While the fact is, we (especially in Indonesia) have not even STARTED to emit anything other than natural gasses until the 1950s!!! How many of us possessed our own means of transportation (other than bicycles) at that time? How many of us could afford anything at that time? Even now, we still haven’t quite caught up with all the technologies and the comfort that the developed countries have enjoyed (on the expense of Mother Nature) for over 2 centuries!!!

Yes… They in the developed countries finally realized the mess that they’ve caused on Earth and decided to relocate many of their manufacturing and industrial processes to… ASIA. And now we get to take “credit” for the increased carbon emissions from our country. Then, they point their fingers at us, blaming us for deforestation and increased carbon emissions, and demand that we reduce, reuse, recycle and replant.

And NOW that we’ve JUST STARTED to develop our country, just started to enjoy all the comfort, just started to take pleasure in using all kinds of technologies, just started to be able to afford more and more things… THEY’RE TELLING US TO SWITCH TO BICYCLES AGAIN AND STOP USING AIR CONDITIONER AND DON’T DO THIS AND DON’T DO THAT???

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

Guess what??? Unlike them, even with the horrendous rate of deforestation, WE STILL HAVE OUR FORESTS. And OBVIOUSLY, our forests are still enough to keep our carbon emission rate down to only 7.4% per year (remember, this already includes all the shit that they put in our country). Obviously, not all of us have adopted their hedonistic lifestyle coz there are still many of us living in remote areas who simply still can’t afford it.

Yes, I do agree that we must learn from their horrible mistakes. BUT… THEY MUST ADMIT THAT HISTORICALLY, DEVELOPED COUNTRIES HAVE THE GREATEST RESPONSIBILITY FOR GREENHOUSE GASSES. Why don’t THEY ride bicycles? Better yet, why don’t THEY close down GM Motors so no one is buying cars anymore?

POINT IS: Don’t throw that responsibility on us just because we still have forests and they don’t anymore! We’re still developing. We still need to build lots of roads and develop various infrastructures to be able to reach all of our brothers and sisters in remote areas, jungles and islands in order to provide them with good education, health services and jobs. Our people ALSO have the right to know how much better and easier life could be with money. Only if we can provide the right amount of incentives, only then we can teach them how to better manage their natural resources and prove to them that they can actually make a better living without destroying the environment. WITH NO INCENTIVES, FORGET IT!

So the idea that “POLLUTERS PAY” is actually a good idea. It’s just that… just like anything else, we are too hasty in pursuing it. We haven’t accounted all the risks, the impacts, the side effects, and the fact that everyone now is trying to be a CARBON TRADER. This is a new cool profession. And just like anything else… the end target is again… money. Not conservation. Not biodiversity. The entire concept… at the end of the day… is about money.

On a more positive note (not sure whether everyone will agree that this is positive), I learned a lot last week…

I have never defended my country ever before. This is the FIRST TIME EVER. I’ve never even defended Asia before. In fact, I spent all my life trying not to be an Indonesian or an Asian. I hated the Asian culture where respect is not earned but should be automatically given to older people or to people with certain social statuses. I hated the Asian culture where religion is automatically inherited. I hated so many things about Asia, particularly Indonesia. And so I rebelled against everything and everyone. I learned English and learned to speak it more than my own language. I burrowed deeply into Western life. I ate more potatoes instead of rice. I simply refused to listen to Indonesian traditional music or wear traditional clothes. This is the FIRST TIME I realized that being Indonesian has its advantages…

I suddenly realized that the developed nations are nations beset with fear. Just look at them. A patchwork of constantly dieting people, tyrannous bank fees and branch closures, teenage crimes and negligent laws upheld (or not) by (also) corrupt police. They fear to leave their kids alone at home (and they define kids as anyone under 15 years old! In Asia, 15 is the age to get married!). They fear to get sick. They fear to get old. They fear to get married. They fear to have kids. They fear they don’t have enough money. They fear everything.

I suddenly realized how extraordinarily resilient and resourceful we are as Indonesians. In developed nations, people strive to be independent individuals and break away from the family, because they thought that, as a last resort, they could rely on the government to take care of them. Here, we KNOW that NO GOVERNMENT could be trusted and, in the end, we have to subordinate our independence and individuality to the will of the family, because our security in life arises from the prosperity of the family as a whole. And that is why, every corruption, collusion and nepotism that is committed in this country, is committed for the family. The whole world may have hated Soeharto… But his family loved him very much for the security and prosperity he had provided for them.

That’s our strength as human beings. Collectively, we are unbreakable. And that’s the strength that has been forgotten by developed nations. And so now… they also fear that the planet is dying. And they will die with it…

I realized now that the planet is not dying. We are. But not the planet. Mother Nature doesn’t need defending. Mother Nature doesn’t need to be taught how to survive. She has done it for millions of years! It’s just that in order to survive, she kills. We’ve learned that she killed dinosaurs and many other species in the past. But she moved on. Life remained. Life evolved. New lives emerged.

Mother Nature killed the dinosaurs and we had nothing to do with that. We weren’t around to cut trees, rob their habitats, drive cars, use hairspray, eat on styrofoam plates and use AC. And she killed them anyway. So maybe this is our turn. Maybe this time she needs to kill us because we have dominated this planet too much and in order to find her delicate balance again, she must get rid of us. Or at least, some of us… So we experienced earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tsunami, landslides and hurricanes. That’s Mother Nature trying to maintain her perfect balance. Everything must be 50-50. Not 30-70. Not 80-20. But 50-50. Yin and yang.

So what to do now?

First, I definitely don’t want to think too hard anymore about this global warming and climate change shit. I love Mother Nature and will continue to enjoy everything she provides for me. But I’m gonna let her take the wheel. If she thinks I need to pay the consequences of my past actions, my lifestyle, then what choice do I have anyway? I will keep speaking for conservation and biodiversity… as loud as I can, as much as I can afford. But, I refuse to live in fear. I refuse to switch my car to a bicycle. I refuse to diet. I refuse to turn into a vegetarian (you’re gonna have to kill me first!) I turn off my AC when I want and turn it back on when I want. I refuse to be told by all those nations that we must fear. NO. I WON’T FEAR ANYMORE. So it’s global warming… so the climate changes… so let’s just face it…

Second, I’m grateful for all the scientists and conservationists and plain lunatics who have tried so hard to wake everybody up with films, photos, presentations, reports, campaigns, etc. But PowerPoint presentations and PDF reports and expensive campaigns won’t do anything good for Mother Nature. It is what WE DO that might make a difference. And so I’m most grateful to those people on the fields who monitor our biodiversity everyday despite of rain, storms and political unrest. They who visit to each remote village to teach the (stubborn and ignorant) villagers about conservation and biodiversity, despite facing the daily risks of being ambushed and killed by them and thrown to the sea. So learning from their example, I think it’s important that if I care, then I do something. I don’t have to say anything or write anything or present anything. Just do something. The result is not up to me to judge. So I can’t stress out over the result. I can’t stress out because I think I haven’t done enough. I HAVE. Believe it. I do all I can within my capacity and knowledge. Mother Nature will do the rest. I WON’T FEAR ANYMORE.

Third, I’m gonna live by that Asian value that has given me resilience and resourcefulness. My family and my friends. I’m gonna have fun with them while I still have the honor to live on this beautiful planet. After all, FRIENDSHIP is a kind of MEDICINE for PAIN, FEAR and SORROW. But to get a GOOD QUALITY one, sometimes you have to go to a BLACK MARKET. Hahaha… Yes, you guys know who you are… thank God I have you guys to keep me sane!

Last but not least, please remember that PROFIT is NOT a DIRTY WORD. It’s just that many scientists and conservationists think money grows on tree (although now it’s kinda true with the carbon project) and the fruits should fall in their direction. Similarly, businessmen think it’s their divine rights to pluck any low-hanging fruit. Let’s find the balance between the two. Yin and yang.

You can’t solve everything. You can’t make everyone happy. You can’t save the world. Accept that. And move on.