I had to take my oldest daughter to the emergency room of Pondok Indah Hospital last week. She was really sick, high fever, nausea, etc. I thought she might be down with dengue fever or typhoid. But 2 hours after giving her blood to rude nurses who always seemed too busy to look after anyone, we still didn’t know what the hell she was down with. Then a doctor came, poked around a bit, then told me that she needed to stay. She had to be hospitalized. FOR WHAT? I didn’t know, yet I gave in. Anything for my angel. So she was hospitalized. Room 4206. Building B. But none of us knew why. The test results wouldn’t be back until tomorrow. Or so they told us.
The next day, I asked the nurses whether the test results were back from the lab. Dengue? Typhoid? Bird flu? (God forbid!) Anything? They declined to answer. They told me to wait for the doctor, Dr. Suhendro. But the doctor already did his round that morning and the nurses said he wouldn’t be back until late afternoon, around 6 PM that day. And so my daughter stayed. She did say she felt better after getting all kinds of medication. Yet we still didn’t know why she was there. Medication FOR WHAT?
I missed the doctor that afternoon. It was raining like crazy, Jakarta was a total mess, the traffic was hell! By the time I got to the hospital after work, the nurses told me that the doctor already came and went, only to find out from my daughter that he never came at all that afternoon. Damn! Why did the nurses lie?
So the following day I decided to take the afternoon off from work and hang around at the hospital. I asked my mom to come too, since she’s a doctor too. Maybe the doctor and the nurses would be more inclined to tell the truth to another doctor than to me. And they did. They showed my mom the test results. Dengue, negative. Typhoid, negative. Malaria, negative. Chikungunya, negative. Hepatitis, negative. SHE’S JUST HAVING A VERY BAD COLD!!! Jesus Christ! And I had to pay nearly Rp.1 million per day for it! So Mom told the doctor nicely that since it’s only a cold and since she’s also a doctor, she would rather look after her granddaughter herself at home. My daughter was discharged from the hospital the next day.
My mom and I nursed Cassey back to health. But I don’t think anyone could ever nurse my disappointed heart back to health. Why do doctors do that? Why do nurses do that? Why would they ask anyone to stay in a hospital when it’s not necessary? Money? Don’t they watch E.R.? Grey’s Anatomy? Aren’t doctors and nurses supposed to be caring and kind like in E.R. and Grey’s Anatomy? Or is that just in the movies? Now I’m the one down with a cold. Tired after managing the Plenary Hall stage on Java Jazz Festival and then from not having enough sleep, waiting on my daughter in the hospital. But that’s easy enough to cure. I just don’t know how I’m going to cure my disappointment at humanity… I am totally losing it… totally losing my faith on people… on humanity… Yes, seriously… I really am…
A couple of weeks ago, I had a meeting at the U.S. Embassy with top officials of the U.S. government and USAID people. It was a TFCA meeting. Tropical Forest Conservation Act. What’s TFCA? Well, it’s a “debt-for-nature” swap deal. Here’s how it works. The U.S. government (or any other rich government in the world) will free Indonesia from a certain amount of debts that we owe to them. Yes, we never have to repay these debts ever again. But the catch is, the Indonesian government must do a swap deal. We must swap our debts with good deeds for nature. In this case, US$ 19.6 million is available for forest rehabilitation in Sumatra or Kalimantan or Papua. Three big NGOs (CI, TNC and WWF) are invited to “buy in” more debts (valued at an additional US$ 4 million) and also to implement the rehabilitation program. The U.S. government will not hand over the money to Indonesia. Instead, the money will be given directly to the NGOs who will do the program. All they need from the Indonesian government is a signature. An approval.
Isn’t that sweet? A signature on a piece of agreement paper. And we will be freed from nearly US$ 25 million of debts. And we will be able to rehabilitate some of our precious rainforests. And none of the government people would have to do all the hard work. It’s the NGOs’ jobs to ensure the work is done and it’s done well.
Yet, after 4 months, the paper is still on the Minister of Finance’s desk. Unsigned. The Ministry of Forestry people are still debating on how they can get their sleazy hands on the money instead of giving it away to NGOs. No signature. No approval. The clock is ticking. We only have until September 30 this year to take this deal. If we miss that deadline, then there will be no deal at all. The money will be allocated to another needing country. Internationally and politically, Indonesia will look bad (again… hmm, maybe we’re used to it and don’t care anymore), especially after we successfully hosted the biggest Global Warming Convention, UNFCCC, last December in Bali. Maybe the world forgets that Indonesia is really good at hosting big events like that, but not necessarily good at putting all convention agreements into real actions.
How embarrassing to be in that meeting. I’m so ashamed to be a citizen of this country. I’m so disgusted at my own people. Doctors just want money (no… not you Jiji... hehehehe... you are the coolest doctor I’ve known, well... you and my mom too…) Nurses just want money. Hospitals just want money. Ministry of Forestry. Ministry of Finance. Ministry of Culture and Tourism. Governors. Bupatis. People who are supposed to serve and protect. They all just want money. And yet they still curse the late Soeharto for what he had done. THEY ARE ALL A BUNCH OF LITTLE SOEHARTOS!!! I am totally losing it… totally losing my faith on people… on humanity… Yes, seriously… I really am…
Wanna hear another story? My office just received a US$ 5.5 million donation from Bakrie Foundation for the conservation of Raja Ampat Islands in Papua. That’s good, right? Well, it would be good if this isn’t just a “green-wash” act… A publicity stunt to appear more “green”… Don’t forget, the Bakrie empire is responsible for all the mess in Sidoarjo… the Lapindo tragedy… The Bakrie empire is also responsible for hundreds of unfit and unsafe homes they built in Aceh for tsunami victims. None of that mess has ever been resolved. So, as much as I love and adore Raja Ampat and glad that there are people who start paying serious attention to it, I am appalled at the fact that Bakrie spent that much money on it, instead of using the money to clean up all the shit they had done in other places! Where are their fuckin’ brains? Do they even have one?
And what disappointed me the most is the fact that our office, Conservation International, a well-respected international NGO, actually accepted that money! Anything for the sake of continuing our programs, is that it? Where are our fuckin’ brains? Do we even have one?
I still have so many stories. Stories from Flores. Stories from Ambon. Stories from Tual. Stories from South Tapanuli and Mandailing Natal. Stories from Aceh. Stories from Bangka-Belitung. Stories from East Kalimantan. Stories from North Sulawesi. Stories from Makassar. And no, these are not stories told by other people to me. These are things I experienced myself in the past 4 years of my journey across this amazing country. I don’t even know where to begin, as the stories have no ending. But the point is always the same. People, especially Indonesian people, are losing their minds. They’re losing themselves. They’re not even alive. They breathe, they move and they have names. But they’re not alive. They’re all dead. Poor people, rich people, tragedy victims, award winners, government people, business people, doctors, nurses, lawyers, judges, religious leaders, NGO people, activists, conservationists, scientists, NEARLY EVERYONE!!! They are all dead… I am stuck among dead people who insist that they’re alive…
So don’t blame me for being cynical or hateful or dark and twisted… I’ve seen too much, I’ve gone through too much… I don’t wanna be strong anymore. I don’t wanna give up, but I don’t wanna be strong anymore either. I just wanna tell things like they are. So you know. So you can decide. So you WAKE UP!!! Coz you could be one of those dead people, you know? Do you know? You scare the shit outta me… WAKE UP!!!
What can I say? I think I’ve said this before, and I’m gonna say it again. This country is owned by around 1 million rich and evil bastards, governed by around 10 million idiots, and condoned by around 100 million cowards. The rest are hanging there on a thin thread, trying to make sense of it all. And fail. Again and again.
The worst thing about corruption as a system of governance is that it WORKS SO WELL. And in this God forsaken country, corruption is a form of art. Everyone is trying to get it as close as possible to perfection. And so dealing with this country is like being rolled into a tiny cylinder and then pushed into a very tight tube. If you emerge on the other side of the tube without permanent damages and you spring back to your original shape, then you pass. And you wonder why I think that people in this country is something that gets harder to understand, every damn second of my life. It’s like a kind of really difficult math test that nobody passes…
And yet we still think that we are a country of religions. That we are religious people. People who believe in God. Don’t we know that there’s NO such thing as BELIEVING IN GOD? You either KNOW GOD or YOU DON’T.
Who can I trust? Who? Anyone? What is this world coming to? What is my country coming to? Do we still have enough humanity in us to call ourselves human beings? I am totally losing it… totally losing my faith on people… on humanity… Yes, seriously… I really am…
No, man. I’m not giving up. I’m still in it. I’m still fighting. Why? Because I like danger. I like danger because danger is one of the few things strong enough to help me forget my fear. I know I’ve sometimes become an asshole because of it. But it’s hard not to become an asshole when you’re surrounded by assholes. Sorry if I hurt you. I just wanna wake your soul up. You must know that your soul has NO CULTURE. Your soul knows NO NATIONS. You soul has NO COLOR or ACCENT or WAY OF LIFE. Your soul is FOREVER. You soul is ONE. I wanna wake you soul up through your heart, because when the heart has its moment of truth, then the soul can’t be stilled anymore…
You know, some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them again. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you. Please wake up… Even if it hurts and makes you cry, please wake up…
Because I am totally losing it… totally losing my faith on people… on humanity… Yes, seriously… I really am…
jakarta.18.03.2008 @ 01:08 AM
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