I Try to Say Goodbye

Macy Gray’s song in the background, playing softly. The eve of yet another full moon. The first day of November. I’m powerless against the constant screams of my heart.

“Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we’re not
I play it off but I'm dreamin’ of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin’.”

Who is there? Who is out there? God? Are You really there? Hello? Mother Nature? Anyone? The Greater Force that was supposed to watch over us and grant wishes, is that for real? Or is it simply what human created to feel safe and secure? Did we create the notion of God or whatever? So that we feel like we are going “somewhere” after we die? Or is it really that I’m alone? No mighty force watching, listening. Let alone making my wishes come true.

“I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

Because whoever’s out there, if He/She really exists, must be deaf or really, really cruel. Hello? Are You there? Whoever You are, if you exist, guess what, I can’t. I just can’t do this. I can’t free myself from this feeling. Why won’t You help me? If You’re not going to give what my heart desires, then alter me! Free me from this feeling, or open another door, or give me a better option, or turn my heart to stone, or just kill me. Whatever. Just do something!

“I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front

I play it off but I'm dreamin’ of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin’.”

Today, I promised it would end. And it didn’t. It is too hard to say, Deeply wounded, the pieces are way too small to pick up and put together. I’m on the edge of self-destruction, full of hatred and despair. It is so hard to let go. It’s so hard to say goodbye. The pain remains. The questions remain. The heartache remains. Why? Make this thing disappear!

“I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

So who is out there? Who is listening? God? Really? Where is He in the past two years? This is absurd. I can’t believe I’ve fallen this far, this deep. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this before. Ever. I would do anything. Anything. To have this one wish granted. Because I was born a fool. I by no means wanted this feeling. I didn't want to love. I didn't want to know this pain. This desire that so quickly becomes an ache you can’t quench but with gallons of liquor. But this is by far, the most foolish I’ve ever been. Where are You, God? Or whoever You are? Stop tormenting me!

“Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin.”

Give me a reason. Give me one reason to end this. Make me hate him. That would be easier. Otherwise, this pain will linger. Make me hate him, because we can’t be friends. I can't go on looking at him or talking to him, knowing that I can't touch him and I can’t kiss him. Knowing that someone else does it with ease, with acceptance. I can't be around him knowing that one foot is an uncomfortable distance. I can't stay here and wait to see if his mind changes. Free me from this fate! I beg You…

“I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”