a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: at 22.33 friday, 23 october 2009, before i went to bed, i tweeted, “may tomorrow rain very hard. may a golden thunder accompany the rain n strike the very spot that turns my luck around. g'nite, sleep tight..” then, i woke up the next day with dark ferocious clouds and the sounds of thunders back in the distance, but no rain. in fact, shortly after lunch, the sun started to show its face. oh well, i thought. it was lazy saturday, so i decided to take a nap instead.
a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i thought i woke up that afternoon with a sudden urge to cry. didn’t exactly know why, i just felt so sad, like someone had died, and had to cry. but my daughter, sky, was in the room, busy picking out clothes out of the closet, walking around, looking at things. so i fully covered myself with my blanket and buried my face in the pillow, then started to cry. it was one of the most painful, heart-felt cries ever. yet i had to do it as quietly as possible, fearing that sky would hear it. i remembered i deliberately tossed and turned on my bed a bit, in the effort to disguise any trace of crying. but then… i REALLY woke up. my eyes were dry. my pillow was dry. no sign that i had been crying.
a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i woke up in the midst of an intense thunderstorm. through my bedroom window, i could see the wind blew wildly, everything outside was wet, and i also hear the unmistakably soothing sound of the pouring rain. and i just had a dream. so it was only a dream. but it felt so real. it felt like a vision, a message. but what message? and as it turned out, my daughter, sky, also had a vision-like dream. at the same time! she swore she was going to be abducted by aliens. she swore it was real and that she wasn’t dreaming it. i knew, something had happened in the period of the rain. and whatever it was, sent a message to us. but what message?
a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i’m no psychic. and i’m no witch, even though sometimes i wish i was. but i asked for this heavy rain the night before. i requested the thunders. and i got that. did i also get the last part of my wish? that the thunder would strike the very spot that turns my luck around? i don’t know. only time will tell, i guess. you see, luck has definitely left me. for the past 10 years or so, my world has been turned upside down. almost nothing has ever been right again. almost nothing has ever gone my way again. but if luck is on my side again, if the table has indeed turned, then why did i cry in my dream? i was sure the universe sent me a message, but what message?
a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: dreams can be baffling and mysterious. that’s why throughout history, they have been associated with sacred revelation and prophecy. sigmund freud even said, “dreams are the royal road to the unconscious.” so i believe that when a dream feels so real, then it is ALWAYS “true”. it’s just that what they mean isn’t always what we think they mean. according to a clinical psychology text that i read, dreams often mean the opposite of what they seem to mean. dreams could be unconscious advice. they could be an admonition, based in guilt. they could be hints of a repressed trauma. and, of course, they could be psychic premonitions. so did i just have a premonition? i got my rain, i got my thunders, and I got a dream. was it a premonition? i have no idea. not the slightest clue.
a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. i’m simply thinking out loud here, trying to appreciate where i am, trying to see a glimpse of hope again. while a soft white haze emanating from the soaked earth, i sat on the terrace for the rest of the afternoon, attempting to decipher this particular sign from the universe. it is now nearly 3 o’clock in the morning, the following day. i still don’t know what it means. but i must keep my conviction. i must. for that’s the only “power” i possess now to control my destiny. i must believe that it was a good sign. the table has turned. my wishes no longer fall on deaf ears of the universe. i must believe.
chirping birds, soft grayish blue clouds, wet soil, drops of water still on the leaves, cool breeze. heaven's waiting… the perfect rain. the perfect thunder. the perfect mid-day vision. the perfect wind, fire, water & earth. i'm here at the perfect beginning. amen.
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