premonition in the rain

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: at 22.33 friday, 23 october 2009, before i went to bed, i tweeted, “may tomorrow rain very hard. may a golden thunder accompany the rain n strike the very spot that turns my luck around. g'nite, sleep tight..” then, i woke up the next day with dark ferocious clouds and the sounds of thunders back in the distance, but no rain. in fact, shortly after lunch, the sun started to show its face. oh well, i thought. it was lazy saturday, so i decided to take a nap instead.

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i thought i woke up that afternoon with a sudden urge to cry. didn’t exactly know why, i just felt so sad, like someone had died, and had to cry. but my daughter, sky, was in the room, busy picking out clothes out of the closet, walking around, looking at things. so i fully covered myself with my blanket and buried my face in the pillow, then started to cry. it was one of the most painful, heart-felt cries ever. yet i had to do it as quietly as possible, fearing that sky would hear it. i remembered i deliberately tossed and turned on my bed a bit, in the effort to disguise any trace of crying. but then… i REALLY woke up. my eyes were dry. my pillow was dry. no sign that i had been crying.

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i woke up in the midst of an intense thunderstorm. through my bedroom window, i could see the wind blew wildly, everything outside was wet, and i also hear the unmistakably soothing sound of the pouring rain. and i just had a dream. so it was only a dream. but it felt so real. it felt like a vision, a message. but what message? and as it turned out, my daughter, sky, also had a vision-like dream. at the same time! she swore she was going to be abducted by aliens. she swore it was real and that she wasn’t dreaming it. i knew, something had happened in the period of the rain. and whatever it was, sent a message to us. but what message?

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i’m no psychic. and i’m no witch, even though sometimes i wish i was. but i asked for this heavy rain the night before. i requested the thunders. and i got that. did i also get the last part of my wish? that the thunder would strike the very spot that turns my luck around? i don’t know. only time will tell, i guess. you see, luck has definitely left me. for the past 10 years or so, my world has been turned upside down. almost nothing has ever been right again. almost nothing has ever gone my way again. but if luck is on my side again, if the table has indeed turned, then why did i cry in my dream? i was sure the universe sent me a message, but what message?

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: dreams can be baffling and mysterious. that’s why throughout history, they have been associated with sacred revelation and prophecy. sigmund freud even said, “dreams are the royal road to the unconscious.” so i believe that when a dream feels so real, then it is ALWAYS “true”. it’s just that what they mean isn’t always what we think they mean. according to a clinical psychology text that i read, dreams often mean the opposite of what they seem to mean. dreams could be unconscious advice. they could be an admonition, based in guilt. they could be hints of a repressed trauma. and, of course, they could be psychic premonitions. so did i just have a premonition? i got my rain, i got my thunders, and I got a dream. was it a premonition? i have no idea. not the slightest clue.

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. i’m simply thinking out loud here, trying to appreciate where i am, trying to see a glimpse of hope again. while a soft white haze emanating from the soaked earth, i sat on the terrace for the rest of the afternoon, attempting to decipher this particular sign from the universe. it is now nearly 3 o’clock in the morning, the following day. i still don’t know what it means. but i must keep my conviction. i must. for that’s the only “power” i possess now to control my destiny. i must believe that it was a good sign. the table has turned. my wishes no longer fall on deaf ears of the universe. i must believe.

chirping birds, soft grayish blue clouds, wet soil, drops of water still on the leaves, cool breeze. heaven's waiting… the perfect rain. the perfect thunder. the perfect mid-day vision. the perfect wind, fire, water & earth. i'm here at the perfect beginning. amen.

eye twitches

today, shortly after lunch, around 1 pm, my left eye started to twitch. as indonesian, i was taught to believe that twitching in your left eye meant someone is thinking ill about you or talking nonsense about you behind your back. i can't recall who taught me that or where i heard it. but this is a common belief in this country. who started it doesn't matter anymore.

well, i believe in the grand system that connects us all. the western world may not believe it, but i know in the east, we are a lot wiser to know that as merely an element of nature, it is impossible not to be connected with everyone and everything else in the universe.

so i searched in the internet for other interpretations from the golden years of the greater Asian continent. and i ran into a very interesting writing, titled "Signs and Omens - Eye Twitches and Tics". for those of you who are interested, please read on. for those of you who don't believe in this, please refrain yourselves from commenting or criticizing. i would really appreciate that.

***

Signs And Omens – Eye Twitches & Tics

Good evening, dear friends,

Physical sensations such as eye twitches and tics have been accorded a greater sensation in China than in the West. In the West, there are traditions such as if your ear burns, someone is talking about you, but China has developed a highly complex system of fortune telling based upon these sensations. This post here is based on writing in The Chinese Almanac or Tung Shu and has its history for thousands of years in China.

The most important aspect is to remember when you first felt the sensation. Then refer to the period of time listed below to see what the meaning of this sign is. Please do not take this guide as the gospel truth and actual prediction as it is only a form of beliefs practised in the olden days in China.

11pm – 1am

Twitches or tics in the left eye means a noblemen will come to see you. If the right it means you will be invited to a party or feast.

1am – 3am

If in the left eye, this means that something will happen to worry you. If the right eye, then someone is thinking about you.

3am – 5am

If in the left eye, this means that a friend from afar will come and visit you. If the right eye, this means a happy event awaits you.

5am – 7am

In the left eye, this means that a special guest will come. If in the right eye, then everything will go well.

7am – 9am

In the left eye, this means a close friend will come from afar. If in the right eye, then expect a slight injury.

9am – 11am

In the left eye, this means you will go to a party or feast. If the right eye, you will have a quarrel or a disaster.

11am – 1pm

If the left eye, this means you will eat and drink heartily. If the right eye, beware or there will be a disaster.

1pm – 3pm

In the left eye, this means that you are safe and plans go well. In the right eye, it means that you will have a minor happy event.

3pm – 5pm

In the left eye, it means you will lose money. In the right eye, then you will be thinking of your loved one very much.

5pm – 7pm

In the left eye, this means a guest is coming. This is also true for the right eye, but from far away.

7pm -9pm

In the left eye, this means a guest is coming. In the right eye, it means you will go to a big gathering.

9pm – 11pm

In the left eye, it means that a friend is coming. In the right eye, beware of trouble in court.

sweet sixteen

just like a blank card

it's empty, yet full of promises

and opportunity

just like the coming year

it is waiting to be filled

with achievements and sometimes failure

but also affection from we who love you

and just like we named you 16 years ago ...

"SKY"

your options are limitless

so fly, to the sky, and reach your dreams

we will always be here

cheering you on ... always.

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY, SKY DWI-DRUPADI SUCAHYO!

conviction

If the universe is listening at all and everything is inter-connected, then for sure he will be held accountable for his words, his promises, his pledges, his wishes. “I want you.” “I wish you were here.” “Wait a bit, I’ll figure something out.” “I think you’re my soul mate.” “It feels so right.” And so on. And so on. He has said too much, too often. And we have broken the seal, with the oldest ritual of flesh and blood ever known to the human race. Underneath a full moon, we were air, water, fire and earth. The unbroken golden ring that marks the things that are supposed to be. We are supposed to be. And when the seal is broken, we’re supposed to set in motion a series of events from which there will be no return. There are forces at work tonight. Air, water, fire and earth. Through flesh and blood and the golden ring. Make him keep his words to me. Because entropy is fundamental. Everything decays. And indifference is the engine of entropy. I’m decaying. What I require should be now within reach. Darkness follows light. Chaos follows order. And vice versa. We should be moving out of the inner circles, out of darkness, into the light. Transformation. By the power of focused conviction and intention, I summon all forces of the universe to unify and make him keep his words to me, hold him accountable for his words, his promises, his pledges, his wishes. For nothing is hidden that will not be made known and nothing is secret that will not come to light. It is time.

sinis

semua tlah kulakukan dalam kelam
ku tlah coba menjabat tangannya
ku tlah coba mendekap wajahnya
ku tlah coba kecup bibirnya
ku tlah coba meraih jiwanya
semua cuma berujung sendu
dalam kelepak muram sang elang
menatap pada debu

sinis

dan ku teruskan menipu jiwa
dalam gelap tanpa lentera

PENGECUT!

Thank you, Andini Haryani (http://lovingindonesia.blogspot.com) for this post..

I don't know who you're angry at, Din.. But this is exactly how I feel at the moment about someone.. Nyontek ya..

Pengecut

Terlalu lama menunggu

Tak kunjung tumbuh keberanianmu

Merunduk terus, mengangguk terus

Kapan kau kan membangkang?

Kapan kau kan berang?

Pengecut yang membosankan

Kau akan membuatku mati sambil menguap

Aku butuh bangga padamu

Mengapa tidak kunjung kau sadari itu?

Aku muak lihat buntutmu,terjepit malu di selangkangan

isyarat

hujan seperti tak punya pendirian. tiba-tiba datang, tiba-tiba pergi. begitu sepanjang jalan. tapi setidaknya, kehadiran dewi hujan cukup meneguhkan. dan langit seusai menangis, sajikan sapuan warna lembut seperti krim susu. putih kelabu berpadu dengan sedikit torehan biru. my cream-colored clouds. sebuah isyarat. a blessing to take this journey.

setengah perjalanan, perut mulai melilit-lilit. benak mulai bertanya ragu. should i really be doing this? jalan aspal yang menanjak dikelilingi bukit itu tak lagi terasa mulus. padahal tak ada lubang, tak ada gelombang, tak ada rintangan. tak terasa, kaki tak lagi dengan semangat menekan pedal gas. “lha? kok jadi pelan sih?” protes teman yang terburu-buru ingin segera sampai untuk merayakan ulang tahun perkawinannya dengan sang istri. perjalanan ini, dia pikir untuk dia. padahal, permintaan untuk mengantarnya ke kota ini justru menjadi berkah, untuk sebuah keputusan. sebuah langkah. sebuah tekad. benar atau salah, hati ini, tidak lagi sudi mengalah.

mengambil jalur paling kiri untuk kendaraan yang lebih lambat, hati pun dalam sunyi membatin sebuah doa. give me a sign, please…

dan…

mendadak.. entah dari mana, dua burung putih melintas bagai sepasang kekasih di angkasa. kepakan sayapnya mengingatkan lukisan anak sd pada setiap pelajaran menggambar, yakni seperti huruf "m". sepasang merpati? bisa jadi. tapi mungkin juga tidak. yang jelas, mereka berwarna putih bersih, kontras berlatar langit biru susu itu. yang jelas, mereka mewujudkan isyarat. i'm alright. i'm supposed to do this. thank you for the sign… kaki kembali tancap gas.

********

gerbang tol tidak berapa jauh lagi. kenapa macet ya? jangan-jangan, this is a bad sign? sekitar 30 menit kemudian, antrian mobil sebelah kanan mulai mepet-mepet ke kiri, berusaha mencari celah di antara ratusan mobil lainnya. bottleneck. ada apa di sebelah kanan jalan? tak lama, 2 mobil penyok terlihat teronggok di bahu jalan. 6 mobil lainnya juga ringsek di kanan jalan. pantas. tabrakan beruntun.

hati kembali berterima kasih. this isn’t a bad sign. despite the horrendous accident, it’s actually a good sign for me. kalau saja tadi benak tidak bertanya-tanya, atau diri tidak menunggu jawaban, maka sepasang merpati (anggap saja mereka merpati) hanya akan terbang sia-sia tanpa sempat terlihat. karena mobil masih akan terus melaju kencang. dan mungkin mobil inipun jadi korban tabrakan. a few minutes delay may have saved my plan today. thanks!

********

“hey! kamu udah sembuh?” suara itu terdengar ceria tanpa beban. phew, syukurlah. dia sedang siap-siap mau makan malam.

good timing. can i join you? i have a bottle of merlot too!

“boleh dong! i’ll cook some more pasta. not much left, but i think it’s enough for you.”

ya ampun, belum jugakah kamu sadar, makan upil pun cukup selama ada kamu.

********

dan malam merayap dalam rangkaian tutur dan kisah yang rebutan minta didengarkan. sudah begitu lama, kita tidak saling cerita. i just realized, i hate not knowing anything that’s going on in your life. kadang rasa ingin tahu itu menggores luka, tapi tetap saja, lebih baik tahu.

bulan nyaris purnama. sebenarnya, purnama baru sempurna esok malam. tapi biasanya, malam purnama selalu hujan. dan bulan terselip di antara kelamnya awan. itu sebabnya, perjalanan harus dilakukan hari ini, satu hari sebelum purnama, saat bulan menghias langit dengan cahaya putihnya yang mirip lampu sorot. bulan, perjalanan, kita. tiga kata yang terinspirasi buku Perahu Kertas karangan Dewi Lestari, terbisik begitu saja dari bibir. atau, karena kini kita sedang duduk di teras sepi, mungkin yang lebih tepat adalah: bulan, sudut sunyi, kita.

Ya Tuhan, betapa aku mencintainya. please bless us. jiwa dan raga.

dan malam makin merayap. purnama jadi saksi, bersama gemerisik semak di muka jendela dan nyanyian jangkrik sesekali. angin bebas keluar masuk lewat berbagai celah yang jarang terkunci. aroma rumput basah turut melengkapi. tapi kita tidak dingin. hangat kamu, hangat aku. kita. satu. seperti seharusnya. karena kamu belahan jiwaku. tidak peduli apa kata dunia. karena hati tak pernah salah. hati telah dipilih. dan hati ini tak lagi sudi mengalah. hanya kamu. hanya aku. hanya kita.

the moon, empty house, cloudy sky, hills, and us. hanya napas kita yang menyatu dalam embun. hari menjelang pagi. genap pulalah isyarat itu. thank you.

********

“dia seneng banget kalo ada si eneng di sini,” si bibi yang biasa datang setengah hari untuk membersihkan rumah mulai rumpi. pekerjaannya pasti sudah selesai, dan sekarang mulai kurang kerjaan.

ah, masa sih bi?

sambil bersandar di hammock (bi, itu hammock buat ditidurin, bukan disenderin!), si bibi pun melanjutkan, “eh, kok si eneng gak percaya. beneran ini! dia selalu bilang, seneng banget kalo ada eneng, karena selalu seru dan bisa ngobrol macem-macem.”

si bibi masih nyerocos, “… gak seperti kalo ada si *BEEP!!!* gak nyambung kalo ama dia mah.”

halah.

aku berharap saat itu juga telinga bisa dibuat tuli. lebih baik tuli daripada sakit hati. tapi terlambat, nama itu sudah terburu disebut. herannya, aku tak juga terbiasa dengan rasa perih yang disebabkannya. dan aku diam. menggigit bibir, menahan air mata. it doesn’t matter. aku berusaha kompromi dengan hati sendiri. he’s being so sweet this weekend. it doesn’t matter.

but it matters. this, in fact, is only a stolen moment. a stolen weekend. but i believe it is a blessed weekend. semua isyarat berkata begitu. hatiku berkata begitu. rumpi siang inipun harusnya jadi isyarat. bahwa hatinya pun telah terpilih. olehku. tapi kenapa rasanya sakit sekali? i really hate that name.

kutatap jendela ruangan kantornya yang berada di samping halaman. dia masih sibuk di depan komputer. dari sofa ini aku hanya bisa melihat kepalanya. sambil menghela napas, kupaksa mataku kembali pada buku The Lost Symbol karya Dan Brown, melanjutkan kisah misteri yang sesungguhnya sangat seru. pembatas buku terselip pada halaman 79. kembali menghela napas, aku mulai membaca halaman itu. dan sebuah isyarat lagi langsung tersaji.

halaman 79. wide acceptance of an idea is not proof of its validity.

ok. jadi aku harus bersabar. the idea of us being together, is not widely accepted yet. but it doesn’t mean it’s not valid. and vice versa (the idea of them being together is widely accepted, but it doesn’t mean it’s valid). fine. jadi aku (masih tetap) harus bersabar. baiklah.

********

a stolen weekend. beautiful and tender. but i know you are scared. so am i. this isn’t something that i do just for the fun of it. i do it because i love you, and because it feels so right. it may not seem right, but it does feel so right. you. me. soul mates.

a stolen weekend. affectionate and sweet. but i know that fear. it’s the fear that has kept us apart. i still have lots of questions too. why does something stolen feel so right? and why does something that feels so right make me bleed to death inside? so i share your fear. it’s my fear too. and i’m constantly trying to find the reason too, to make sense out of this too…

“if only i have a clear reason… i just need one clear reason…” kamu mengeluh sedih.

Ya Tuhan, tidakkah Kau mendengar? keluhan spontan itu adalah doa yang terlontar begitu saja dari mulutnya. tolong dengarkan. dengarkan dia dan kabulkan doanya. he needs a clear reason! please give him one… please… and please hurry…

if only i could crystallize that moment, that weekend, and stay frozen in it forever with you, i would. i would crystallize everything. the night of the full moon. our morning cups of coffee. the white smokes from our cigarettes. the beautiful view. our vespa ride to go to dinner. the tenderness. every word. every hug. every kiss. everything.

then we would stay in this inspirational little corner, with me in your wings, forever. what we’ve done this weekend, i don’t know whether it’s wrong or right. but for me, i am simply trying to connect the link, solely on the power of intention. i am trying to achieve the unachievable and to avoid the unavoidable, solely on the power of focused thoughts. because, believe it or not, a human thought can literally transform the physical world. so i no longer allow myself to fall in the hand of destiny. i am creating my destiny and becoming the master of my universe. and you, as you know, are the sun in my universe. my light, my warmth, my source of life.

********

the weekend is over. when i woke up this morning, nothing was lost. but nothing was mine. well, i guess i have to accept the cards that life gave me. but i get to decide how to play. and this is how i’m playing it. hati ini tak lagi sudi untuk mengalah.

aku, masih akan selalu mempertajam semua indera, untuk menangkap tepukan halus isyarat itu di bahu, lewat semua elemen alam di jagad raya ini. tanpa berhenti berusaha. tanpa berhenti berdoa. tanpa berhenti berharap. tanpa berhenti bermimpi. karena kamu, adalah matahariku.

and because life is short, there is no time to leave important words unsaid. i love you. even though i bleed, i love you. even when i’m angry, i love you. even when the whole world is turning against me, i love you. and i love you not because you’re nice or whatever, i love you because you rock my world.

and we should be together. the signs are everywhere. aku cuma berharap, kamu pun akan mendapat isyarat. segera. secepatnya. waktu kita. “segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya.” well, semoga waktunya adalah waktu kita. our time please. the one clear reason that you are praying for, may you receive it within our time. amen.

… Untuk Makanan Anjing Saja …

Heran.

Dan geram.

Gempa berkekuatan 7.6 SR mengguncang pesisir barat Sumatera, memorakporandakan kawasan pantai Pariaman, Kota Padang, dan sekitarnya. Satu lagi amukan Ibu Bumi yang makin tua, makin rentan, makin sakit dan makin sering marah-marah. Setelah mengirim taifun ke Filipina, Laos dan Vietnam, serta menghempas gelombang garang tsunami di kepulauan apik Samoa, agaknya kini giliran Indonesia.

Herannya, di tengah tragedi sebesar itu, di tengah keprihatinan atas kondisi planet yang telah menjadi rumah kita ini, banyak orang masih bisa berolok-olok.

Iya. Betul. Bercanda dan tertawa.

Atau lebih tepatnya, mentertawakan.

Seorang teman yang berprofesi sebagai penyiar bercerita, begitu banyak SMS dengan nada canda yang masuk ke stasiun radio tempat dia bekerja. Para pendengarnya agaknya merasa bahwa tragedi ini memang “sudah waktunya terjadi, karena dunia makin sempit.” Pernyataan via SMS ini ditambah pula lagak tawa layaknya anak-anak muda, yaitu WKWKWKWKWK…

Ada juga yang mengirim pesan begini, “Daripada pusing mikirin mereka, mending saya request lagu aja ya, mbak…”

Heran.

Dan geram.

Dan kini bertanya-tanya, ada berapa banyak dari kamu semua yang berpikiran begini? Ada berapa banyak dari kamu semua yang sudah tak lagi memiliki otak dan hati nurani?

Dunia memang makin sempit. Dan ini semua memang ulah kita. Saya ulang, ulah KITA. Bukan dia, bukan kamu, bukan saya, melainkan KITA. Ini kesalahan kita bersama-sama. Keserakahan kita, ketidakpedulian kita, ketidakmautahuan kita terhadap kelestarian bumi, telah membuat planet tempat kita berpijak dan bernaung ini kian bingung mencari titik keseimbangannya. Ibu Bumi sedang demam. Ibu Bumi lagi panas tinggi. Beliau tengah berupaya mengembalikan kecantikan dan keagungannya. Untuk itu, beberapa hal harus dia korbankan. Dan itu semua, adalah akibat perbuatan KITA. Apa yang kita tabur, kini harus kita tuai. Kita telah menabur angin, maka memang… sudah sepantasnyalah kita menuai badai.

Tapi… pernyataan bahwa “dunia makin sempit” dan “sudah waktunya” bukanlah bahan olok-olok dan ejekan, melainkan bahan introspeksi. Kita yang kini masih diijinkan untuk tetap bertahan di planet paling bergengsi sejagad raya ini seharusnya makin mawas diri dan mulai sungguh-sungguh melihat ke dalam, melakukan perubahan. Mereka yang mati tidak dipanggil pulang ke rumah Tuhan karena mereka dianggap sampah yang telah membuat dunia makin sempit. Justru sebaliknya, mereka yang mati adalah mereka yang diselamatkan-Nya, dibebaskan dari tanggung-jawab dan segala permasalahan dunia. Kematian adalah solusi terbaik bagi masalah apapun yang kita hadapi. Berbahagialah mereka yang telah kembali ke pangkuan-Nya.

Kita dibiarkan “hidup” bukan karena kita dianggap tidak bersalah. Justru kita inilah yang kini makin diberi beban di bahu. Beban untuk melanjutkan hidup disertai tanggung-jawab yang kian besar untuk memperbaiki kondisi bumi yang penuh ketidakpastian ini. Dan beberapa dari kita harus melakukan semua itu sambil menahan pilu dan pedih atas kehilangan yang amat sangat. Kalau saya sih, lebih berharap langsung mati di tempat jika tragedi menimpa. Sebuah harapan egois untuk terlepas dari beban itu. Tapi nyatanya… KITA… masih di sini. KITA… masih harus melanjutkan misi.

Berhenti bercanda dan lihat diri sendiri.

Otak dan hati diberikan kepada kita bukan sekedar untuk membedakan kita dari makhluk lainnya, melainkan untuk dipakai dengan selaras. Binatang pun punya otak dan hati. Tapi mereka tidak diberikan kemampuan untuk menyelaraskan pikiran dengan perasaan, lalu mengaplikasikannya demi kepentingan seluruh umat. Sebagai gantinya, mereka diberikan taring dan kuku yang tajam, atau bisa yang mematikan, atau kecepatan berlari yang luar biasa, atau sayap yang mampu menari mengikuti angin, dan sebagainya. Sementara kita tidak. Sebagai makhluk paling lemah di planet ini, kita justru diberikan kehebatan dalam menggunakan serta mengelola otak dan hati kita. Karena itulah kita disebut sebagai “yang paling sempurna”, lalu ditempatkan dalam rengkuh Ibu Bumi, sebagai penjaganya. Bukan perusaknya. Tolong gunakan kesempurnaan itu sebaik-baiknya.

Ingat juga, patahan lempeng yang menyebabkan gempa di pesisir barat Sumatera kemarin, masih terus bergerak ke segala penjuru. Jambi, hari ini, turut diguncang gempa. Besok? Mungkin Anak Krakatau terbangun dari tidurnya. Lusa? Mungkin Tangkuban Perahu terbatuk-batuk. Hari berikutnya? Mungkin Jogja akan kembali bergetar hebat, dilengkapi siraman lahar dan asap beracun dari dataran asri Dieng. Kita tidak pernah tahu. Hari esok, mungkin giliran kamu, saya atau dia. Tolong jangan bercanda.

Jadi… Otak, kalau tidak dipakai, sebaiknya dibuang saja ke laut. Hati, kalau tidak dipakai, sebaiknya dicincang untuk makanan anjing.

* dedicated to:
1. Unee Adisti – my deepest condolences for your fucked-up listeners.
2. Vriana Indriasari – hope your family in Pariaman is safe and will contact you soon.
3. Minangkabau – my mother land, my blood, my family.
4. The Human Race – GROW UP, WILL YA???