a "yes" that brings regrets

to say "no" is painful

but it's much better

than a "yes" that brings regrets

- Paulo Coelho

You

Heavy. Wondering what’s going on. Wondering what I’ve done wrong. I’m possessed. I’m obsessed. I’m hurt. This is the time of massive, deep, oppressive depression. This is the time of walking around dead, imagining what it would be like to die. Must be such a blessed relief. Must be much better than being imprisoned in this wrenching, painful body. But then again, does the heart belong to the body? Or does it have a soul of its own? Does it breathe on its own? Because no matter what I do, even when I’m unconscious, the heart insists it. The heart still wants it. It always wants what it can’t have…

Severe. The most brain-damaged I have ever been for a long time. For each waking moment, my mind is burning and blazing with imagination, with endless scenarios of desires. For every breath I take, I’m wishing for moonlight, for its supernatural power to take over, bringing fresh rain to the stone on the steps of my heart. Although I know I’m only bleeding every minute. Yet tomorrow I pray for another painful day of waiting and wanting what I can’t have…

Drowning. Slowly losing it. Hoping I can resurface where the doves parade and the pines vibrate. Is there gratification after a long meditation? Is there satisfaction after ablution? I’m consumed in the toxic charm you spread with just one look through those watery eyes, creating a perfect lightning, where upon the abyss even sunlight seems to pause. The pure effects of an eternal cause. Time sparkles. But then I stopped and blinked. That’s when I saw a fact as eerie as a dream, that I always want what I can’t have…

Dying. This is a funny feeling. One day it holds me gently on the palms of its hands as if I were the last raw egg on the planet. Then it tightens up just a little, giving a nice warm squeeze, luring me into a false sense of soft defenselessness. Then the hurt begins. The air disappears. My mind pops. The smile on my face turns into fear. Shattered and slammed shut. Forever. No way out. Trapped in this feeling of wanting what I can’t have…

Something that I can’t have, you.

cassey & the internet

i don’t know what i’ve done right. actually, i don’t even know what i’ve done. the fact that both of my kids are still alive, healthy and well, still amazes me every second. as far as i can remember, i haven’t been the perfect mother. i’m cranky and moody. i get mad easily. i get crazy all the time. i still go out, hangout and stuff. i don’t like to cook (doesn't mean i can't cook, i just don't like it). i hate housework. i smoke, i drink, i rock ‘n roll. i love traveling, i love risky outdoor activities, so most of the time i leave them at home in order to pursue my hobbies and my dreams. in short, i’m sooo... not the ideal, warm, gentle, loving and caring mother everyone expects me to be. i haven’t done too many motherly things so far.

so when Cassey, my oldest daughter, told me that she won first prize on the Indonesian Youth Conference - Make Your Voice Heard! Blog Competition recently, i was proud and also shocked. i must’ve done something right.

yeah, i must’ve done something right, because both of my kids turn out to be smart young achievers. they have done well academically (most of the time) as well as socially. my youngest daughter, Sky, has consistently won various English speech and story-telling competitions. and now Cassey. i must’ve done something right. thank God.

her essay speaks about the “online culture” that she has embraced lovingly for the past… ow… 10 years or so. maybe that’s what i’ve done right. i introduced her to this thing called “the computer” since she was 2.5 years old. i installed a simple block-matching game for her. the reason for this was actually, again, quite selfish. she was a hyper-active kid and i wanted her to leave me the hell alone! little that i know, she got hooked on that computer and could stay on it for hours. and computers have always been the bestest of best friends for her. so naturally, when internet became financially accessible to our family, she was probably one of the first kids who mastered it, with all her heart and soul. long before any other kid in her school knew anything about it, Cassey was already on it. and when internet social networks became a trend - friendster, facebook, myspace, twitter, blogspot and so on - Cassey, of course, simply beats almost everyone at it. she’s completely a computer-freak and her culture IS the online culture. no wonder her essay won first place. she must’ve written it from her heart. it would be a piece of cake. so yeah, i guess that’s what i’ve done right. congratulations, Cass! i’m so proud of you!

well, you can read Cassey’s essay, which is now published on Jakarta Globe, by clicking here.

and, here is the announcement:

Pengumuman Pemenang Make Your Voice Heard! Blog Competition

Beberapa waktu yang lalu, IYC mengadakan kompetisi blog Make Your Voice Heard! - hasil kerjasama dengan Jakarta Globe dan Terrant Books - dengan tema Online all the time: Youth and the New Media. The impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture.

Secara mengejutkan, IYC menerima kiriman karya yang relatif banyak dan menarik, walaupun kompetisi ini hanya dibuka selama kurang lebih dua minggu (dari tanggal 12 - 31 Agustus 2009). Hal ini sedikit banyak membuktikan bahwa anak muda Indonesia memiliki aspirasi dan sikap kritis, kendati harus menyampaikan ide-ide mereka di dalam Bahasa Inggris. Tim IYC memilih sepuluh karya terbaik ke editor Jakarta Globe–yang akan menentukan 3 juara kompetisi ini.

Akhirnya, telah diputuskan bahwa pemenang Make Your Voice Heard! Blog Competition adalah:

1. Cassandra Niki Sucahyo (Universitas Gadjah Mada, Yogyakarta)

Online all the time: Youth and The New Media. The impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture

2. Garindra Putra Prahandono (De Anza College, California)

Social Networking on Youth

3. Disty Winata (Burnaby Central Secondary, Vancouver)

The Impacts of the Online World to Indonesian Culture

Tulisan pemenang pertama akan dipublikasikan di Jakarta Globe. Masing-masing pemenang mendapatkan voucher berlangganan Jakarta Globe dan goodie bags dari Terrant Books.

Selamat untuk para pemenang!

Terima kasih untuk semua yang telah mengirimkan karyanya, dan secara tidak langsung membuktikan bahwa suara kita layak untuk didengar.

save us from screwing this earth

while browsing the Indonesian Youth Conference website to find my daughter's name as the winner of the "Make Your Voice Heard! Blog Competition" (i'll write about this later), i found this blog article. Titled "... Save us from screwing this earth", it is written by Tiavita Herdiana.

Tiavita, or Vita, is currently studying Visual Communications & Design in a private university in Jakarta. the talented young woman is also one of the founders of Jakarta Street Looks.

anyway, i have to admit, this is one of the smartest articles on saving the planet that i've read so far. it's fresh and honest and so true, written in such spirit of youth! so, now that i've obtained a written permission from one of the IYC's administrators, Alanda Kariza, i'm going to republish it here and share it with all of you.

........ in the hope that some of you will feel ashamed of yourselves, ashamed of your current destructive lifestyles, and finally take this young lady's suggestions seriously ........

-----------------

Save the air, save the water, save the soil, save us from screwing this earth.

Little things I’ve done so far:

1. Thrifty closet

Buy vintage or secondhand clothes (for the sake of trend cycle, whatever). It will also save your money, a lot.

2. Air conditioner dilemma

We know that Jakarta is friggin hot like hell nowadays, so I keep up the not-so-fresh-air blowing on me from opening all the windows and doors in my room. Helps your parents to decrease the electricity bill too, lol.

3. Look after your charger

Always keep it unplugged after I finished.

4. Take the bus

I can’t drive so I take the bus too reach my campus. But I always feel glad when my friends ask me to join their cars. Whatever you say, Metromini is uncool, fag, not so urban, not trendy, whatever. It’s an indie way to reach wherever you want :p By using this transportation, you can feel how the passengers are screwed up by the bad weather.

5. Take five minute shower

6. Do it your damn self

I made some accessories from secondhand stuffs, tie-dyeing, etc. I’m not a handy person though, so now I’m learning and seeking for more stuff to be crafted. It feels good to wear something you make by yourself.

7. Buy handmade

Or if you’re too lazy to make stuff, just buy the handmade one.

8. Back-off you tees

Don’t waste you unwanted tees. Just flip them! Or if you want something special, grab some markers, painting kit or whatever, and then draw all over the area!

9. BYOB (Bring Your Own Bag)

At least, say no to plastic bags aka kantong kresek.

10. Long live bottled water

Because I drink like a camel (I usually drink 3 Litres of water a day), I bring my very own bottle everyday. Hail mineral water… Mineral water over coke.. Mineral water over avocado juice.. Mineral water over ice tea.. Mineral water over beer.

11. Watch An Inconvenient Truth.

12. Read The Live Earth Global Warming Survival Handbook: 77 Essential Skills To Stop Climate Change.

13. The list is still going…

Make your own list, people!

the sun in my universe

i really don’t know what to say. the tiny flashing message window on facebook suddenly got my attention. and i replied automatically. “hello”… “hey”… and next thing i knew, nearly 5 hours later, i was back where i started.

dear God, if that was a mistake, then You shouldn’t have let that happen. i could’ve been offline. i could’ve been so wrapped up reading “The Fifth Mountain”. i could’ve been in the bathroom! i don’t wanna be tested anymore. because You know, if it was only a test, a test to see how strong i was in fighting temptations, well… You know and i know, i’m not that strong. i would simply, without thinking, fall into the trap and make the same mistake again. so don’t. stop. quit testing me. i beg You. i won’t pass. i’m pathetic and weak. especially when it comes to that one creature of Yours. quit testing me. please.

so God, i figured if you let that happen, You must know what You’re doing. i’m trying not to lose my faith, so help me out here. i assume, You must know what You’re doing. and i assume You know how pathetic and weak i am. so i must also assume that You’re not doing this just because You love lifting me up to cloud nine, then delightfully watching me fall from that dangerous height. no. i must believe You’re not that cruel. i must believe You have a wonderful plan for me, for us, and that’s why You let the corner of my eye catch the tiny flashing window and let me reply. i want to believe that. should i believe that? all this time i remain vigilant to Your signs, but this is no time to give me another sign. what i need now is a clear, straight-to-the-point, humanly-understandable explanation to all this. please.

the thing is… God… in those 5 hours, i was recharged, ready to face the next couple of weeks with a smile. i was re-energized. You see, You have given me the sun in my universe. i revolve around this sun. i need the energy from this sun. i stay in orbit so i don’t die. however, staying in orbit also feels like crossing a minefield, losing a leg, an arm, half of a face, surprised to still be alive. if i ever make it, what’s left of me? here i am, in the middle of the minefield. i can’t go back, but i’m too afraid to move forward. so i’m staying right here, in the middle of the minefield, doing nothing, waiting for someone to rescue me. someone who would be willing to meet me half way, risking the minefield from the other side. hopefully, that someone is… that one creature of Yours whom i’ve loved, so much, without failing, for over 2 years now… the sun in my universe…

all my life, he is the one person who has been able to mess up my life this much, make me lose my entire ability not to care and pretend like i don’t give a shit, and make me lose faith in anything… anything at all. i’m an idiot, because of him. he’s the sun in my universe. i revolve around him. so God, one last time, i’m going to take for granted that You know what You’re doing. like James Blunt said in his song, “give me reason, but don’t give me choice. ‘cause i’m just gonna make the same mistake again.” quit testing me. please. amen.

“dear the sun in my universe, thank you for ‘wish you were here’ by pink floyd and ‘i want you back’ by michael jackson… and for still being in my universe… i don’t care what anyone says. i’m yours.”

scientifically, you must feel this too

if you’re human,
then you must feel this love too
because love is a type of energy
that travels through space
as rhythmic waves.

and when these waves
collide with the molecules of your heart
there’s no way you don’t feel blissful.

if you’re human,
then you must feel this pain too
because pain is a type of rhythmic disturbances
that carry energy in the air,
without carrying matter.

and when these disturbances
collide with matters of your soul
there’s no way you don’t feel tortured.

the bond between us has not been broken
because the energy waves that link us
are both transverse and compressional.
they move up and down, and side to side,
as well as backward and forward
in the same direction.

our hearts are stubborn and consistent
none of these feelings has been shaken
they create an electromagnetic field
and i know, we’re both in it.

this feeling has such density
that it would never ever vanish
into randomness,
the way we hope it would.

so if you’re human,
i know, scientifically,
you’re just as miserable
as i am today, everyday.

paper airplanes

today i just finished reading "Perahu Kertas" by Dee Lestari
crying silently, i am running out of words
i just know, i have to thank Dee for her words
the words that have brought peace once again
i know now, all i have to do, is to accept
and to enjoy this pain, this bitterness
because it's all part of loving you...

but instead of paper ships.. mine are paper airplanes..
the sky is forever a constant reminder and the true witness
to the love that i know will never fade away...

may you find your star,
that will lead you to where your heart lies