You

Heavy. Wondering what’s going on. Wondering what I’ve done wrong. I’m possessed. I’m obsessed. I’m hurt. This is the time of massive, deep, oppressive depression. This is the time of walking around dead, imagining what it would be like to die. Must be such a blessed relief. Must be much better than being imprisoned in this wrenching, painful body. But then again, does the heart belong to the body? Or does it have a soul of its own? Does it breathe on its own? Because no matter what I do, even when I’m unconscious, the heart insists it. The heart still wants it. It always wants what it can’t have…

Severe. The most brain-damaged I have ever been for a long time. For each waking moment, my mind is burning and blazing with imagination, with endless scenarios of desires. For every breath I take, I’m wishing for moonlight, for its supernatural power to take over, bringing fresh rain to the stone on the steps of my heart. Although I know I’m only bleeding every minute. Yet tomorrow I pray for another painful day of waiting and wanting what I can’t have…

Drowning. Slowly losing it. Hoping I can resurface where the doves parade and the pines vibrate. Is there gratification after a long meditation? Is there satisfaction after ablution? I’m consumed in the toxic charm you spread with just one look through those watery eyes, creating a perfect lightning, where upon the abyss even sunlight seems to pause. The pure effects of an eternal cause. Time sparkles. But then I stopped and blinked. That’s when I saw a fact as eerie as a dream, that I always want what I can’t have…

Dying. This is a funny feeling. One day it holds me gently on the palms of its hands as if I were the last raw egg on the planet. Then it tightens up just a little, giving a nice warm squeeze, luring me into a false sense of soft defenselessness. Then the hurt begins. The air disappears. My mind pops. The smile on my face turns into fear. Shattered and slammed shut. Forever. No way out. Trapped in this feeling of wanting what I can’t have…

Something that I can’t have, you.