the sun in my universe

i really don’t know what to say. the tiny flashing message window on facebook suddenly got my attention. and i replied automatically. “hello”… “hey”… and next thing i knew, nearly 5 hours later, i was back where i started.

dear God, if that was a mistake, then You shouldn’t have let that happen. i could’ve been offline. i could’ve been so wrapped up reading “The Fifth Mountain”. i could’ve been in the bathroom! i don’t wanna be tested anymore. because You know, if it was only a test, a test to see how strong i was in fighting temptations, well… You know and i know, i’m not that strong. i would simply, without thinking, fall into the trap and make the same mistake again. so don’t. stop. quit testing me. i beg You. i won’t pass. i’m pathetic and weak. especially when it comes to that one creature of Yours. quit testing me. please.

so God, i figured if you let that happen, You must know what You’re doing. i’m trying not to lose my faith, so help me out here. i assume, You must know what You’re doing. and i assume You know how pathetic and weak i am. so i must also assume that You’re not doing this just because You love lifting me up to cloud nine, then delightfully watching me fall from that dangerous height. no. i must believe You’re not that cruel. i must believe You have a wonderful plan for me, for us, and that’s why You let the corner of my eye catch the tiny flashing window and let me reply. i want to believe that. should i believe that? all this time i remain vigilant to Your signs, but this is no time to give me another sign. what i need now is a clear, straight-to-the-point, humanly-understandable explanation to all this. please.

the thing is… God… in those 5 hours, i was recharged, ready to face the next couple of weeks with a smile. i was re-energized. You see, You have given me the sun in my universe. i revolve around this sun. i need the energy from this sun. i stay in orbit so i don’t die. however, staying in orbit also feels like crossing a minefield, losing a leg, an arm, half of a face, surprised to still be alive. if i ever make it, what’s left of me? here i am, in the middle of the minefield. i can’t go back, but i’m too afraid to move forward. so i’m staying right here, in the middle of the minefield, doing nothing, waiting for someone to rescue me. someone who would be willing to meet me half way, risking the minefield from the other side. hopefully, that someone is… that one creature of Yours whom i’ve loved, so much, without failing, for over 2 years now… the sun in my universe…

all my life, he is the one person who has been able to mess up my life this much, make me lose my entire ability not to care and pretend like i don’t give a shit, and make me lose faith in anything… anything at all. i’m an idiot, because of him. he’s the sun in my universe. i revolve around him. so God, one last time, i’m going to take for granted that You know what You’re doing. like James Blunt said in his song, “give me reason, but don’t give me choice. ‘cause i’m just gonna make the same mistake again.” quit testing me. please. amen.

“dear the sun in my universe, thank you for ‘wish you were here’ by pink floyd and ‘i want you back’ by michael jackson… and for still being in my universe… i don’t care what anyone says. i’m yours.”