A Prayer on Ash Wednesday

Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

Dear Father,
I know I’m not one of Your best children
I have zillions of doubts about You
I question You all the time
And I’m not really good at doing rituals
I get bored every now and again

But You know I’ve always stood my ground
I’ve always stood up for all of Your creations on Earth
And I’ve always followed my heart
Because I know You live there
And You communicate with me through it
Even though for that, for following my heart,
I’ve gotten in a whole lot of troubles most of my life

And for what?

I mean really… for what?

Dear Father,
I’m at wits end.
Whenever I need something from You,
You want me to pray and ask.
And I did. I have. I still am.
Even when You didn’t give me what I asked for
I kept praying. And kept my faith in You.

But for the past one and a half years
This has gotta be my BIGGEST,
MOST IMPORTANT request of all

This time,
I DO mind if You don’t give me what I’m asking for

But it looks like... the answer is “No”…
Isn’t it?
C’mon, just tell me!

I am so angry at You at the moment
And so disappointed…
I hope it’s okay for a child to be angry at her Father…
Because I am…

I mean… please tell me…
What is so wrong about my wish?

He crossed my path…
Why? What for?

Didn’t You do that?
What did You do that for?
I just came back from a long dive trip
You knew that…
I was tired, I was ready to sleep for the next few days
I wasn’t supposed to meet him at all
He wasn’t supposed to dive
He was supposed to fly, not dive!

But You had a different plan, didn’t You?
You made me go
And I HAD to meet him
And I HAD to cross HIS path
Why?
What for?
If this is how it’s gonna end, then why bother?

And the dream You gave me on the jetty that night?
What was that for?
Boy was dancing with me…
A dream about an eagle…
What the hell was that all about?
Excuse my language...

Then I flew… Like an eagle…
Right on my anniversary with Boy
It could’ve been a day before
Or a day later
But noooo… It had to be on June 10th, didn’t it?
What was that for?
How could You do that to me?

Then for over a year after that
You’ve put me on a rollercoaster ride,
where I had to constantly play the “cool” card
You gave me someone whom I could actually TALK to again
I mean really talk, really connect…
And share my idealism with
And share my dreams with
And share my fears with
What was that for?

And the worse thing about all this is
that You didn’t only give me that feeling
You gave it to him too!
Since the first time we met!
What for?

And after a year and a half,
You gave him the courage to actually TELL ME
He told me that he'd had a crush on me since we met!
WHAT FOR???

If things are gonna end up like this
Then I’d rather NOT find out at all, don’t You think?
So I could keep playing the freakin’ “cool” card!

Why did I have to meet him?
So instead of one, You now have two idiotic and suicidal "soldiers"
to defend Mother Nature for You?
That’s it? That’s all there is to it?
Well, You’re the GOD… You don’t need us!
You can defend the universe YOURSELF!

I didn’t have to meet anyone like him, if...
if You weren’t even going to give us a chance
to find out how wonderful, or not wonderful it could be

Really…
That’s really mean of You, You know?
And so totally unnecessary!

Why can’t I be with him?
Because someone would get hurt?
Because someone would be very disappointed?
Because someone would be so sad?
So it’s better to hurt ME instead?
So You decided to disappoint ME instead?
So it’s okay to make ME so sad?
Why?

Because You think I’m a lot stronger?
Because You tested me so many times before
and I always passed? I always survived?
Because You’ve equipped me with a great brain
to be able to handle things logically?
He adores me for this brain You gave me
Well, You know what? It’s a CURSE, not a BLESSING!
It’s a curse if it means I have to use it to compromise with my heart…

Today is Ash Wednesday
I’m not sure whether I’ll go to church today
Because I’m nothing but ashes
I’m no longer alive inside…

Today is Ash Wednesday
I’m running out of time
I’m also running out of faith

All my life I’ve had my doubts about You
But I always think it’s better to live my life as if You’re there
and die to find out that You’re not,
rather than live my life as if You’re not,
and die to find out that You are…

But this time…
This time I’m not so sure about that anymore…
The graceful, merciful God that You’re supposed to be
The One who grants wishes of the heart
The One who gives to those who ask

I’ve asked
I’ve prayed
I’ve come to you crying
I’ve begged
Then I’ve cried again
I’ve sung for You
Then I’ve cried again
Over and over

This is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I’ve ever wished for
And You KNOW it!

So why? Why can't You grant it?
Because You have a BIGGER and BETTER plan for me?
Well, if You do… and that’s why You can’t grant my wish,
then please share that plan with me… Now… Please…
Because I can’t wait any longer…
Because I can hardly breathe
Because I can hardly sleep
Because I’ve been afraid to wake up
Because nothing could make feel better lately…
Not even alcohol… imagine that…
It's so not me!
I simply haven't been myself for a while now...

Today is Ash Wednesday
I’m running out of time
I’m also running out of faith

Please take the wheel, Father
and lead me to where my heart wishes to be…
I need to know that You’re there, listening to me
I come to You on my knees today
Begging You one last time…
Please… please… please…
Grant this one wish…
Make it come true…

Yes, I’ve made promises to You before
And I know I don’t always keep them
But I’ve never made promises so publicly before
ON THE INTERNET!

But I’m going to make a promise today…
On the internet…

Today is Ash Wednesday

And on this Ash Wednesday,
I promise, dear Father…
If You make this wish come true
I’ll never miss church again
for as long as You give me the physical strength to get there
And I’ll recite the Rosary to Virgin Mary
everyday, as soon as I wake up…

I promise…

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.

Off into the Unknown

My eyes are wide open and my heart is thudding hard within my chest. The weather is calm, yet lightning cracks over and over again inside me, sounding so evil, calling my name. I’m choking. It almost feels like I could never breathe again… I’m so scared…

When darkness rises, tears shall fall. Yet I can’t cry. Something is lurking very near. Yet I can’t scream. Up to the wall I put my ear, trying to listen but not too near. This isn’t a killer or a thief. This is something much worse. This is an invisible villain that could deceive my mind and poison my soul.

There is that false illusion again as I see images rush past in the crowded corner of my existence. Something compels me to follow. One question. Am I brave enough? I give up. I’m not brave enough. But wait. It suddenly becomes very quiet. What’s going on? Something’s wrong. Moments pass. I turn around. And there it is. Next thing I know, I don’t know anything. I’m off into the unknown. Don’t know whether I’d ever return.

Please Help Stop Whaling!

* A NOTE FROM GREENPEACE - Whaling and dealing: Tell the US to stop negotiating at the expense of whales *

We have received worrying rumours of a political deal that could result in increased whaling off the coast of Japan - threatening already endangered whales. We need your help in ensuring that this deal is killed off - and not the whales.

According to leaked reports from a closed door meeting in Hawaii, the International Whaling Commission is currently considering a proposal that would involve the trading of a small reduction in the quota of whales that Japan hunts in the Southern Ocean Whale Sanctuary, in return for an agreed increase in hunting minke whales off the coast of Japan. Of greatest concern is that one of the minke whale populations in this area is listed as endangered.

The only acceptable agreement would be a complete end to Japanese whaling in the Southern Ocean Whale Sanctuary - but we cannot let this happen at the cost of endangered whales in the North Pacific.

The most disturbing information about these reports is that the United States IWC Commissioner and the US Chair of the IWC seem to be at the forefront of the proposal. Both are appointees from the Bush administration who are still in place, and already attempting to undermine Obama's foreign policy on whaling.

It is clear that there are many, many big issues on President Obama’s plate in his first week in the Oval Office. His words and action on climate change and other environmental issues are very welcome but if the news reports are true, then this issue simply cannot wait.

While on the campaign trail, President Obama’s position was unequivocal - no commercial whaling and stronger international regulations on whaling.

Please help by sending a letter to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and Professor Jane Lubchenco, President Obama’s newly appointed administrator of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration – the two departments responsible for preserving ocean life.

TO SEND A LETTER, GO TO:
http://www.greenpeace.org/international/campaigns/oceans/whaling/ending-japanese-whaling/US-whaling-dealing

Daily Shit Ritual

first of all, i wanna apologize.. sorry if you're grossed out reading this particular article.. i couldn't sleep.. my mind keeps thinking about some of my most profound convictions.. the convictions that have made me a stupid ass for the last 15 months or so.. now that i realize i need to do whatever necessary to preserve my sanity, i kinda wanna think about something else..

something else.. like.. what do you do when you're in the toilet shitting?

okay.. if that's so disgusting for you, don't read on.. go somewhere else nicer with boring people who can't stand shit!

otherwise.. let me tell you.. for me, going to the toilet to shit is the best time of any day ever.. it's like THE ritual that you don't wanna miss! don't you think so too? it's like, the whole world disappears.. it's so peaceful..

back to my question: what is YOUR daily shit ritual?

alrite, i'd start.. but before we get to the actual ritual, it's important to let you know that i don't always have to shit in the morning.. morning is always a nightmare for me.. for those of you who know me well and/or those of you who have followed my blog closely, you'd also know that i HATE mornings.. i hate it passionately! so i always wake up late and therefore i'm always in a hurry in the morning.. especially weekday mornings.. so i don't always have time to shit in the morning.. hell, i don't even have time for breakfast! a quick shower, a cup of coffee, then i'd be out the door..

so this is my shitting ritual every day.. when i get to work, i'd drink another cup of coffee and smoke a cigarette.. this would usually trigger the need to shit.. so i'd light up another cigarette (this is a must.. can't shit without one).. then go to the toilet.. if there's a new magazine that i haven't read, i'd take that with me too.. i'd take my time to read through most of the articles, even though i've finished shitting.. i'd light up another cigarette if i have to.. inspirations could come from reading stuff.. so i would typically also make various mental notes about some of the most interesting and inspirational things that i read in that magazine.. my next blog article, my facebook status, my yahoo messenger status and my blackberry messenger status could all originate from pieces of stuff that i read while shitting..

however, if there is no new magazine, then i just smoke and space out.. spacing out while shitting is the best! trust me! spacing out is the best way to enjoy every drag of my cigarette and every drop of my shit.. wonderful feeling! Highly recommended!

anyway, it's almost 1.30AM.. i'm supposed to sleep soon.. again, sorry if i grossed you out.. but if you got to this last paragraph, then you must be as disgusting as i am.. or as twisted as i am.. or maybe, just like me, you're trying to numb yourself and knock yourself out to sleep without any help of alcohol or other drugs.. so.. i'm just curious.. please drop me a line and tell me: what is YOUR daily shit ritual?

PS: it's a full moon today!

Fragment

The decision was made based on the fact that even better days were miserable. Funny how I let myself trapped in terminal emotions and a closed mindset for over one and a half years. Spending day after day in wishful dreams while in fact they were merely dreams of bitterness – bitterness that can never be shown. They were reasons for actions of self-pity and blame. Even on that fateful night, when the moon was fully shinning, when mythical spirits wandered with the wind over the desert, when a piece of confirmation suddenly arrived unexpectedly, I was left only with sleepless hours of darkness and infinite sadness – sadness that can never be shown. In fact, the piece of news that should’ve brought tears of happiness arrived digitally instead of in an old-fashion configuration of nervous gazes and sweet whispers under the moonlight! And I believed it. How stupid was that? Should've known that men are like mascara. They run at the first sign of emotion. So I decided to end it. Stop believing. Stop wishing. Stop these useless dreams!

But it is even funnier that killing off hope is only one of the many threats of heartbreak. It brought so many more days of mourning, tears, losses and fear, eroding in loneliness and dejection, wishing life is over. I’ve taken everything and learned. Yet my heart is still just a fragment, as you’re still holding the rest. You said to take it back, but I haven’t. That’s what’s funnier about this. Funnier because I’ve decided to let you keep everything you’ve taken. However, this must be goodbye.

The truth of perfection was that we had such a connection. But there was also a veil of ignorance that haunted us and made us hesitant. Ignorance of signs and superstitions that took precedence over prospects, quests and freedom. The whole reality seemed so incessant. Funny how many things you miss when you have such determined eyes. So I must close my determined eyes, against the constant screams of my heart. No, I’m not okay. Distance is the only thing I’m thankful for these days. Every day when the sun goes down, I rage against the dying of the light as I’m no longer able to go gentle into the night. I grieve and bleed and stay awake at night. So no, I’m not okay. But I’m not angry either. I’m just a fragment, trying to be whole again without having to take anything back from you. I’m just a fragment, yet I want you to keep the rest of me. Take care.