Fragment

The decision was made based on the fact that even better days were miserable. Funny how I let myself trapped in terminal emotions and a closed mindset for over one and a half years. Spending day after day in wishful dreams while in fact they were merely dreams of bitterness – bitterness that can never be shown. They were reasons for actions of self-pity and blame. Even on that fateful night, when the moon was fully shinning, when mythical spirits wandered with the wind over the desert, when a piece of confirmation suddenly arrived unexpectedly, I was left only with sleepless hours of darkness and infinite sadness – sadness that can never be shown. In fact, the piece of news that should’ve brought tears of happiness arrived digitally instead of in an old-fashion configuration of nervous gazes and sweet whispers under the moonlight! And I believed it. How stupid was that? Should've known that men are like mascara. They run at the first sign of emotion. So I decided to end it. Stop believing. Stop wishing. Stop these useless dreams!

But it is even funnier that killing off hope is only one of the many threats of heartbreak. It brought so many more days of mourning, tears, losses and fear, eroding in loneliness and dejection, wishing life is over. I’ve taken everything and learned. Yet my heart is still just a fragment, as you’re still holding the rest. You said to take it back, but I haven’t. That’s what’s funnier about this. Funnier because I’ve decided to let you keep everything you’ve taken. However, this must be goodbye.

The truth of perfection was that we had such a connection. But there was also a veil of ignorance that haunted us and made us hesitant. Ignorance of signs and superstitions that took precedence over prospects, quests and freedom. The whole reality seemed so incessant. Funny how many things you miss when you have such determined eyes. So I must close my determined eyes, against the constant screams of my heart. No, I’m not okay. Distance is the only thing I’m thankful for these days. Every day when the sun goes down, I rage against the dying of the light as I’m no longer able to go gentle into the night. I grieve and bleed and stay awake at night. So no, I’m not okay. But I’m not angry either. I’m just a fragment, trying to be whole again without having to take anything back from you. I’m just a fragment, yet I want you to keep the rest of me. Take care.