unresolved

*Sigh*

Alright. Here we go.

A lot of people have been asking, urging, and nagging me to update my blog. But you see, at the end of last year, I promised myself I would never again post such depressing, whining, moaning, complaining, whimpering writings anymore. In other words, I wanna start writing about happy, joyful, cheery, blissful and jovial stuff in my life. I put high hopes on 2010. The wheels MUST turn. Lady Luck MUST be on my side again. I MUST be happy.

But now… after almost a month (my last post, as you can see, was on Dec 30), I realize that I don’t have anything to write about.

There is nothing happy, joyful, cheery, blissful and jovial in my life (yet).

And so, I abandoned my blog…

“Really? But you’ve been traveling everywhere!” you’d ask.

Yes, true. Since that fateful and heart-breaking decision I made on Nov 17 last year, I’ve been on this crazy mountain-to-ocean trip to Mt. Bromo and Sempu Island. I went rafting on flooding Cicatih River, not once, but twice! I spent a week in Vietnam, from Ho Chi Minh City to Hanoi. Then I closed that sucking year of 2009 with two marvelous dives in West Bali. Yup, I’ve certainly been traveling.

But while I did love my trips and had lots of fun when I was on these trips, my heart remains empty. In fact, the only reason why I traveled so much in the past 2 months (and emptied nearly all my savings and messed up my cash flow) was because I wanted to “fill” that emptiness.

Which didn’t quite work.

Every day while I was on those trips, I woke up thinking only about one thing. And every day while I was on those trips, I went to bed thinking only about one thing. The one thing I shouldn’t be thinking about anymore…

But I couldn’t help it. I STILL can’t help it.

So then I realized, if I updated my blog, even though I’d be talking about my crazy adventures, it would sound… FAKE.

Because my heart remains empty and I don’t feel that there’s anything happy, joyful, cheery, blissful and jovial in my life (yet).

Then I’d be breaking my promise.

Which I just did.

Here I am… posting yet ANOTHER depressing, whining, moaning, complaining, whimpering article.

I guess I didn’t realize the extent of the damage here. He had broken me to pieces. Tiny little pieces. But the worst thing about all this is: I still love him. Very much. I love him with every single tiny broken piece. So now there are more pieces of my heart to love him with. Imagine that.

I’m pathetic. I know.

I tried to turn this emotion into hatred. Pure loathing disgust. After all, people say love and hate are only separated by a very thin line. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to cross that line. Maybe then things would become easy(er) to handle.

So I listed all the things I don’t like about him. Things that could and would trigger huge arguments if we were together. Such as:

1.   He’s a morning person. I (normally) hate morning people. They’re annoying. They get all hunky-dory very early. And then they get tired and want to go to bed very early too. In my eyes, these people basically have NO LIFE.

2.   He works. And works. And works. He doesn’t really “get” the idea of a holiday. He hates just lazying around doing nothing (something that I happen to LOVE, which is DO NOTHING).

3.    He’s so anti-social. I can be anti-social too. But I definitely have more friends than he does. And I enjoy being among my very few selected friends, while he doesn’t.

4.   He doesn’t eat junk food. Once, I asked him if we could call Pizza Hut Delivery for dinner, and he looked at me as if I had lost my mind. We ended up cooking. He’s definitely TOO “healthy” for me.

5.   He loves mountains and forests more than he loves the sea (or anything with too much “water” in it). He nearly drowned once on a rafting trip and he’s been traumatized ever since. While I LOVE water. I love the oceans a million times better than mountains and forests.

6.   He doesn’t like music of the 80s or any trend from that era. Just like him, I actually like music and trends from the 60s and 70s, but still… the 80s was MY era. I’m crazy about the 80s! I’d cut my right hand if I could go back to that era!

7.    He gets too intense on everything he’s passionate about. Sometimes I just wanted to say, “Chill out, man! Geez…” And yet, after all that tiring intensity, once I challenged him to “GO FOR IT”, he’d become hesitant. Then he’d find reasons NOT to “go for it”. He’d discouraged himself by saying, “Ah, I’m too old for that.” Or “It’s not that simple.” Etcetera. He is indecisive. Obviously. Otherwise I wouldn’t have had to make that heart-breaking decision. I had to be decisive because he couldn’t. I had to “go for it” because he didn’t.

That’s all I got so far. And that list didn’t help a bit. Not even a tiny bit. I love him still. I love him DESPITE of all that. It’s absurd. It’s ridiculous. It’s incredibly nonsensical. But that’s the fact. And that’s the truth.

And every day, I still wake up thinking only about one thing. And I still go to bed thinking only about one thing. The one thing I shouldn’t be thinking about anymore… him.

So here I am… posting yet ANOTHER depressing, whining, moaning, complaining, whimpering article.

Because… this feeling… is still… unresolved.

Sorry.