Absurdity

I haven’t become a stranger to myself. This is me all over again. Back where I started. And as always, there’s that question again, “How the hell did I get here?” And of course an answer comes from within, an answer I’m trying to ignore but can’t, “Oh ya… I remember… No wonder.” Even thoughts of you in distant places can’t distract the lunacy. Not even the constant image of you in my mind every time I open my eyes (and close my eyes) can divert the madness. Not even the glows inside me every time I think of you can entertain the insanity of the situation. Don’t get me wrong, I do long to see you again. It’s just that I’m sort of out of focus, out of faith, out of my mind. I don’t know how to solve this problem. Oh well, I guess endless days with no escape are just empty spaces that will be filled again with gladness. Soon. Must believe that, right?

I have invested a lot towards these unrequited dreams. It’s totally mental of me if you think about it. I got here because of you. My sixth sense has warned me again and again about you. Do I listen? No. Of course not. Instead, I invest at least fifteen minutes of my time every day to strategize and start a fresh attempt. Then I invest at least three to four times a day (sometimes more), fifteen minutes each time, to fantasize about what would happen if I succeed. What would you say? How would you say it? How would I respond? What would I say? What would we do next? Absurd.

Where the hell are the angels? I thought angels are beings who invest in your plan and take a small share called “peace on earth”. I’m now connected and wired. I’m on the radar. I’ve made sure of it, technologically and spiritually. What’s missing? Nothing. I’ve left every door open to let you in. Maybe the angels have retired? But even retired persons are wired these days. Maybe they’re just too lazy to stay online and check their Goddamn emails. Those are prayers, you idiots! Read them and grant them for once!

There’s this cool picture I found on a friend’s blog in the internet that reads “Dear heart, I met a boy today. Prepare to shatter.” Yeah, it’s so true. I should’ve said that too when I met you. I should've negotiated with my heart instead of talking to the stupid angels. So here it goes. Hope it's not too late.

Dear heart, I met a boy. Not today, but a while ago. Well, he's not actually a boy. He's a man, but men are just boys. They're only taller, right? Anyway, I’m too stupid right now to quit dreaming. So prepare to shatter. Oh ya… you HAVE shattered. Slowly and painfully. Sorry. Oh by the way, prepare to do more stupid things in the future because of it! Yes, I do realize the damages have been ridiculous, but I’m not done yet.

I haven’t become a stranger to myself after all. It’s still me. These sacrifices had better be worth it!

Bali, the way I remembered it…

[Bali, 17 - 19 October 2008]

For the past 8 years, my professional life in an event organizer, then in a media, then in conservation organizations has brought me to the Island of the Gods, Bali, over and over again. So much so that I usually had to forcefully resist the urge to puke every time I got an assignment in Bali – an event, a media coverage, a seminar, a survey, a workshop, a field visit, a meeting – whatever. Bali was no longer fun. Bali spelled work, in huge fonts and bold capitals – W.O.R.K.

Then a couple weekends ago, after 8 years, I finally… FINALLY… got to enjoy Bali the way I used to remember it.

It started out when a friend of mine told me that she was going to Bali to take a dive-refresher course. She was going for a week with friends from her college-years in San Francisco. So it was a reunion trip, as well as a dive trip. But because I couldn’t take the whole week off from work, I promised to join them in the weekend. So on Friday, 17 October 2008, at nearly 9 PM, I flew to Bali… again… But this time, I didn’t bring my laptop, I didn’t bring communication materials, I didn’t bring rundown sheets, I didn’t bring a tape recorder… basically, other than my blackberry, I didn’t bring any work at all!!! My God, that felt so good… If I could leave my brain at home, I probably would’ve done that too!

It was almost midnight when I arrived at Ngurah Rai International Airport. Following directions from my friend, I took a taxi to our rented villa in Seminyak. Located in the southern coast of Bali, Seminyak is the trendiest and most fashionable area in this island. I was heading to Villa Amertha, a tiny complex consisting four private 2-bedroom villas. Situated on Jl. Petitenget No. 30, Villa Amertha was apparently pretty new as the taxi driver was not familiar with the name or how to get there.

It took a while for us to finally find the small road off the main street that lead to the villa. But for once, I didn’t mind getting lost in Bali in the middle of the night. I was so relaxed I didn’t even care if the driver was only pretending not to know the way. As the wonderfully sweet fragrance of Balinese incense on the dashboard of the taxi delicately filled the air that I breathed, enchanting vibrations that I have long forgotten came rushing back. This mythical island is rich with enthralling beauty and charming rituals, as well as sprawling night clubs, distinctive shops and themed resorts. It is a mixture of the old and the new. This is what visiting Bali is all about. Bali is not for work. It’s for play. I was carefree. I was in Bali!

My friend, Uga, wasn’t there when I got to the villa. She was out at a nearby club but said she would come straight to get me. Again, I didn’t mind. As I waited for her in the reception area, a faint yet captivating sound of gamelan played from somewhere. Not sure from where, but it was definitely calming. Gone all the battles in my head, all the conservation worries, all the worldly anxiety. I was in extraordinary peace.

Ten minutes later, Uga showed up on a motorbike. She let me into the villa, which turned out to be very pleasant indeed! It had two spacious bedrooms, each with its own semi-open-air bathroom and walking closet. A medium-sized swimming pool adorned the small yard, adjacent to the open-air kitchen and living area. Very cute and very homey. But no time to be too comfortable. I was in Bali. I mustn’t be spending too much time in the villa, but out and about. So I quickly freshened up and then joined Uga to the club, where we danced the night away to the exceptional mixture of psychedelics, jazz and funk (* to Ridwan and Gerhan – sorry guys if I got it wrong * :-p). The two featuring young DJs, Ridwan and Gerhan, who later became my friends (as they were also staying with us at the villa), were so gifted with their music. It’s nothing like the typical progressive-house music they usually played in clubs here. Ridwan’s and Gerhan’s music was fresh and so addictive. It was hard not to dance to their beat. This is Bali the way I used to remember it!

The next day, we started out a lazy morning lazing around the lazy swimming pool. Then at around 10.30-ish, Uga and Erlene asked me to drive them (since none of them knew how drive the rented stick-shift car) to Denpasar to buy the famously delicious Balinese pork sausages. They assumed I knew my way around since I had lived in Bali for a year. They couldn’t be more wrong! Hahaha! I had to make several phone calls to Pak Made, my office driver when I worked here, before I finally figured out how to get there. By the time we got back to the villa, it was well after 1.30 in the afternoon. Everyone was waiting for us to go to lunch. Ooops! Sorry guys…

We had lunch at Made’s Warung. This place is well-known as THE eating place (and sometimes hangout place) of Jakartans. If you’re from Jakarta, it would be very likely to find and meet other friends from Jakarta in this place. We didn’t meet anyone that day though. The chic restaurant was quite empty, maybe because lunch time was over. But we didn’t mind. In fact, we were glad that the place wasn’t so crowded. Our group was already big enough to crowd the place. There were eleven of us on a long wooden table, enjoying Nasi Goreng Made and Nasi Campur. The food was excellent. The drinks were cold and refreshing. The friendship and laughter were outstanding! This is Bali the way I used to remember it.

Next on our unofficial agenda were beach-lazying and a bit of swimming on Padang-Padang Beach in Jimbaran. This particular beach is actually more popular among surfers. But the secluded white sandy bay, enclosed by magnificent cliffs, is also ideal for swimmers and sunbathers. And that was exactly what we did. We swam and sunbathed. Well, I swam, but I didn’t sunbathe. God knows I’m not that crazy about the sun. I don’t like looking too tanned. Besides, I was born tanned for Heaven’s sake! I don’t need to be darker than I already am. Most bule would say that tanned women are exotic. But to me, the darker they are, the more they look like they need a serious full-body scrub, with lots of soap and shampoo! Sorry if I offended anyone…

On the way back to the villa, we had “nasi pedas” (spicy rice) at a small rice stall in Tuban. Some people also call it “nasi setan” (the devil’s rice). You can guess why it got that name. Yes, the rice comes with chili sauce that is sooo damn hot and spicy. But to me, it is the unspeakable and notorious spiciness that actually boosts my appetite. Yummy! Then after the spicy dinner, we had to go back to the villa and pack, because the next day we had to fly home. So the day ended… But memories linger…

On Sunday, not much to do anymore before we went to the airport to catch our flight, so I went with Rani, Icha and her husband Ridwan to have a quick breakfast at Bali Deli, not far from the villa (in the middle of breakfast, Icha suddenly got a bad stomachache and had to do the “number 2”… so I quickly drove her back to the villa and dropped her off to do her business). Uga and Erlene decided to do some more last-minute shopping. The “unlikely-yet-very-cute” couple, Gerhan and Anti, were still asleep. Gerhan, Anti and Rani would not go back to Jakarta with us. They were extending their stay for a couple more days. Lucky bastards! Hahaha!

Bali… It’s sure good to get to know you again. Bali is definitely THE place to relax and have fun (and go wild if you wish). As it turns out… the island of the Gods is still my favorite… It may not be as spectacular and jaw-dropping as Komodo Island in Flores or the Islands of Raja Ampat in Papua, but its charm, culture, lifestyle and endless fun are… so far… unparalleled by any other island in this country. Glad I came out here this weekend… Glad I was in Bali not for work, but for fun… ‘cause this is Bali the way I used to remember it.

Uga, Erlene, Rani, Icha, DJ Ridwan, DJ Gerhan, Anti and Sisi… Hope to see you guys again and go wild in Bali!!!

For now, the trip ended... but memories linger... And I'm back in HELL-IALITY. Shit.

More than I should

More than it should, the silence of my nights holds tender memories about you. More than they should, dark cloudless skies constantly remind me of you. More than they should, quite thoughts bring your smiles to every corner of the walls in my room. And more than I should, I find myself wishing for the velvety moon to tap on your door and letting you know that I like you, more than I should…

More than they should, the cool shades of dawn start my every day with renewed hopes. More than it should, every conversation with you, no matter how trivial, sounds like a love song. More than it should, the jingle of your laughter brings sweet dreams on green meadows. More than it should, each heartbeat seems to take forever. And more than I should, more than ever lately, I have to admit that I like you, more than I should…

More than it should, my mind violently refuses to understand where I stand, that this isn’t what I’ve planned. More than it should, every cell of my existence stubbornly finds its own reason to justify what I feel, explaining that you’re the only one who gets it and so you must be the healing blue ocean and the eagle of the sky. More than it should, my soul gets more and more restless, rejecting to endure much longer and letting you simply reside wordlessly inside. More than it should, my heart keeps failing to recognize that this feeling could possibly jeopardize the very comfort of not having more than I should…

Yeah, it’s just me, wanting what I can’t have. Typical.

purnama

purnama
kamu ada di sini
dalam hati yang bergayut lirih
di dahan kehidupan
aku ingin rebah di sana
dalam balutan cahaya
dan minta kabulkan doa

purnama
lelah menanti dalam gelisah
pelukan waktu yang tak juga
membuka tirainya
izinkan aku masuk
dalam pelukanmu
agar malam tak lagi datang

purnama
tolong cerita ada apa di balik sana
di balik setiap tanda
yang kerap muncul begitu saja
meski terus kucoba berpaling
namun hati tetap mengikuti
bagai terpikat pesona mantra
ada apa?

purnama
rembulan cantik mahkota langit
lindungi aku dari kecewa
hadirkan mimpiku
dalam nyata hari-hariku
agar tak henti ikut denyut nadi
perkaya segenap jiwa

purnamaku... kamu...
saat mentari menjelang...

[full moon October 13th, 2008]