The End-of-Year Journey to West Bali

Dec. 30, 2009 – Jan. 2, 2010. My new year’s eve’s journey. The journey to close the year 2009. I’ve been talking about it, tweeting about it, yet I haven’t written it here. The photos have been selected and edited, and even posted onto picasaweb. But not here. This space, this blog, is too personal. Because writing it and posting it here would force me to admit the intense blackness of a cursed year, to expose my bleeding heart, and to own up to the decay of faith and hopes and dreams. So I’ve been procrastinating, postponing a story that should’ve been written and posted since the end of last year. The end-of-year journey to West Bali.

So here it is. By the end of last year, my arms reached out frantically in despair, seeking for strength or something substantial to enwrap me in compassion. By the end of 2009, I wasn’t looking for heavy-duty partying scene as I used to. I was looking for silence and solitude, or maybe familiar sounds to comfort and console. The familiar sounds of silence of the underwater world.

Therefore, I skipped the trendy “golden triangle” Kuta-Legian-Seminyak. I ignored the cool and breezy air of Ubud-Kintamani-Bedugul. I even paid no attention to the underwater kingdoms of East Bali, Amed-Tulamben, because they would certainly be packed with touristy divers at that time of the year. Instead, I headed west, to the sleepy town of Pemuteran and the tiny Menjangan Island. Silence and solitude.

Arriving in Pemuteran early in the morning of Dec. 31, the last day of 2009, Neptune the Sea God seemed to be welcoming me with stunning deep-blue skies and incredible windless sea. And as I rode my boat on the short 20-minute journey to Menjangan, for just that moment, my soul stopped drifting aimlessly in hopelessness. For just that moment, my soul came back. For just that moment, it stopped searching for meaning and truth, accepting the fact that it would find no direction. Only Mother Nature could do this, giving me warmth in times of want. Only Mother Nature could envelop me in sincere affection, as if apologizing for failing to grant my desires. I smiled, and prepared for the first dive.

The Coral Wall

Three other divers – Charlie, Carrie, and Shiho – were going to join me on the first dive of the final day of the year. We reached the jetty of Menjangan at 9.30AM. Flocks of local people arrived almost at the same time as we did. They were going to perform some kind of Hindu ceremony in the temple on the otherwise- uninhabited island. As it turned out, that day was also the day of a full moon. The ritual was the full-moon ritual.

Deep inside, this coincidence pinched me a bit. It was like a huge sign over my head. The message from the universe could be unbearably cruel sometimes. But fortunately, I had no time to pout. The dive master from Yos Dive led us to the sea. We were going to start the dive from the beach, walking slowly from the shore, then snorkeling in shallow water, gradually heading towards the deep sea, where we would eventually plunge into a steep vertical drop off. This was the renowned multi-layered coral wall of Menjangan.

The underwater scenery was simply fantastic. I knew the area was famous for its giant gorgonians, yet nothing could’ve prepared me for this extraordinary vista. The abundance of colorful gorgonians, the staggering variety of fish and corals in crystal clear water, flawlessly intermixed with dazzling rays of the sun that came out to maximize the brilliance of the colors. For that moment, just for that moment, I was healed. It was too rude not to be happy.

Pos II

The second dive started with a back-roll from the boat. The site was Pos II, where we dropped over a vast underwater garden, dominated by vibrant soft corals. If there was such a thing as “The Garden of Tao”, this would’ve been it. Here, amongst sunburst anthias (Serranocirrhitus latus) and lyretail anthias (Pseudanthias squamipinnis), amid enigmatic butterflyfish (Johnrandallia nigrirostris), and an assortment of many other species of fish, I pacified my emotions. The sound of my heartbeat in serene quietness of the sea was the only witness to my existence. My exposed heart trembled. And my soul, in its most primitive form of self, revealed a beauty nurtured within.

Funny. Sensing a touch of animation, I felt like starring in the film “Finding Nemo”. Surrounded by Nemo (clownfish), Dory (blue regal tang), Gill (Moorish idol), Peach (starfish), Bubbles (yellow tang), Bloat (pufferfish), Crush (sea turtle) and many other sea friends, I was spirited. The best feeling I had all year.

By the end of the dive, the coral reefs had succeeded to bury my pity within the fertile soil of Menjangan. The euphoric effects wouldn’t last. I knew that. But at least for that moment, just for that moment at the end of 2009, they restored my broken heart, shielded my fragile soul, and wilted upon my scars, allowing my own garden of hopes to grow again. As a skeleton, in slumber, I awaited the cycle of rebirth, the moment in space and time where winter was unwelcome and decay was impossible. For that moment, just for that moment at the end of the year, I breathed the harmonies of nature. And my spirit, lulled of the year-long tortures, was truly free.

Happy (belated) new year 2010! No, I'm not okay. But I'm still here. It would take a whole lot more to get rid of me.

And That’s All I Ask

One thought

One sentence

One phone call

That’s all it takes

A reminder that you still think of me

And that’s enough

Somehow

Strangely

That’s enough

And I’m happy

And that’s all I ask

You need not need to do anything else

Because you already own me

Everything in me and about me

Belongs to you…

Thank you

I had a great birthday

Somehow

Strangely

It was great

And it was enough

Because of you…

isyarat

hujan seperti tak punya pendirian. tiba-tiba datang, tiba-tiba pergi. begitu sepanjang jalan. tapi setidaknya, kehadiran dewi hujan cukup meneguhkan. dan langit seusai menangis, sajikan sapuan warna lembut seperti krim susu. putih kelabu berpadu dengan sedikit torehan biru. my cream-colored clouds. sebuah isyarat. a blessing to take this journey.

setengah perjalanan, perut mulai melilit-lilit. benak mulai bertanya ragu. should i really be doing this? jalan aspal yang menanjak dikelilingi bukit itu tak lagi terasa mulus. padahal tak ada lubang, tak ada gelombang, tak ada rintangan. tak terasa, kaki tak lagi dengan semangat menekan pedal gas. “lha? kok jadi pelan sih?” protes teman yang terburu-buru ingin segera sampai untuk merayakan ulang tahun perkawinannya dengan sang istri. perjalanan ini, dia pikir untuk dia. padahal, permintaan untuk mengantarnya ke kota ini justru menjadi berkah, untuk sebuah keputusan. sebuah langkah. sebuah tekad. benar atau salah, hati ini, tidak lagi sudi mengalah.

mengambil jalur paling kiri untuk kendaraan yang lebih lambat, hati pun dalam sunyi membatin sebuah doa. give me a sign, please…

dan…

mendadak.. entah dari mana, dua burung putih melintas bagai sepasang kekasih di angkasa. kepakan sayapnya mengingatkan lukisan anak sd pada setiap pelajaran menggambar, yakni seperti huruf "m". sepasang merpati? bisa jadi. tapi mungkin juga tidak. yang jelas, mereka berwarna putih bersih, kontras berlatar langit biru susu itu. yang jelas, mereka mewujudkan isyarat. i'm alright. i'm supposed to do this. thank you for the sign… kaki kembali tancap gas.

********

gerbang tol tidak berapa jauh lagi. kenapa macet ya? jangan-jangan, this is a bad sign? sekitar 30 menit kemudian, antrian mobil sebelah kanan mulai mepet-mepet ke kiri, berusaha mencari celah di antara ratusan mobil lainnya. bottleneck. ada apa di sebelah kanan jalan? tak lama, 2 mobil penyok terlihat teronggok di bahu jalan. 6 mobil lainnya juga ringsek di kanan jalan. pantas. tabrakan beruntun.

hati kembali berterima kasih. this isn’t a bad sign. despite the horrendous accident, it’s actually a good sign for me. kalau saja tadi benak tidak bertanya-tanya, atau diri tidak menunggu jawaban, maka sepasang merpati (anggap saja mereka merpati) hanya akan terbang sia-sia tanpa sempat terlihat. karena mobil masih akan terus melaju kencang. dan mungkin mobil inipun jadi korban tabrakan. a few minutes delay may have saved my plan today. thanks!

********

“hey! kamu udah sembuh?” suara itu terdengar ceria tanpa beban. phew, syukurlah. dia sedang siap-siap mau makan malam.

good timing. can i join you? i have a bottle of merlot too!

“boleh dong! i’ll cook some more pasta. not much left, but i think it’s enough for you.”

ya ampun, belum jugakah kamu sadar, makan upil pun cukup selama ada kamu.

********

dan malam merayap dalam rangkaian tutur dan kisah yang rebutan minta didengarkan. sudah begitu lama, kita tidak saling cerita. i just realized, i hate not knowing anything that’s going on in your life. kadang rasa ingin tahu itu menggores luka, tapi tetap saja, lebih baik tahu.

bulan nyaris purnama. sebenarnya, purnama baru sempurna esok malam. tapi biasanya, malam purnama selalu hujan. dan bulan terselip di antara kelamnya awan. itu sebabnya, perjalanan harus dilakukan hari ini, satu hari sebelum purnama, saat bulan menghias langit dengan cahaya putihnya yang mirip lampu sorot. bulan, perjalanan, kita. tiga kata yang terinspirasi buku Perahu Kertas karangan Dewi Lestari, terbisik begitu saja dari bibir. atau, karena kini kita sedang duduk di teras sepi, mungkin yang lebih tepat adalah: bulan, sudut sunyi, kita.

Ya Tuhan, betapa aku mencintainya. please bless us. jiwa dan raga.

dan malam makin merayap. purnama jadi saksi, bersama gemerisik semak di muka jendela dan nyanyian jangkrik sesekali. angin bebas keluar masuk lewat berbagai celah yang jarang terkunci. aroma rumput basah turut melengkapi. tapi kita tidak dingin. hangat kamu, hangat aku. kita. satu. seperti seharusnya. karena kamu belahan jiwaku. tidak peduli apa kata dunia. karena hati tak pernah salah. hati telah dipilih. dan hati ini tak lagi sudi mengalah. hanya kamu. hanya aku. hanya kita.

the moon, empty house, cloudy sky, hills, and us. hanya napas kita yang menyatu dalam embun. hari menjelang pagi. genap pulalah isyarat itu. thank you.

********

“dia seneng banget kalo ada si eneng di sini,” si bibi yang biasa datang setengah hari untuk membersihkan rumah mulai rumpi. pekerjaannya pasti sudah selesai, dan sekarang mulai kurang kerjaan.

ah, masa sih bi?

sambil bersandar di hammock (bi, itu hammock buat ditidurin, bukan disenderin!), si bibi pun melanjutkan, “eh, kok si eneng gak percaya. beneran ini! dia selalu bilang, seneng banget kalo ada eneng, karena selalu seru dan bisa ngobrol macem-macem.”

si bibi masih nyerocos, “… gak seperti kalo ada si *BEEP!!!* gak nyambung kalo ama dia mah.”

halah.

aku berharap saat itu juga telinga bisa dibuat tuli. lebih baik tuli daripada sakit hati. tapi terlambat, nama itu sudah terburu disebut. herannya, aku tak juga terbiasa dengan rasa perih yang disebabkannya. dan aku diam. menggigit bibir, menahan air mata. it doesn’t matter. aku berusaha kompromi dengan hati sendiri. he’s being so sweet this weekend. it doesn’t matter.

but it matters. this, in fact, is only a stolen moment. a stolen weekend. but i believe it is a blessed weekend. semua isyarat berkata begitu. hatiku berkata begitu. rumpi siang inipun harusnya jadi isyarat. bahwa hatinya pun telah terpilih. olehku. tapi kenapa rasanya sakit sekali? i really hate that name.

kutatap jendela ruangan kantornya yang berada di samping halaman. dia masih sibuk di depan komputer. dari sofa ini aku hanya bisa melihat kepalanya. sambil menghela napas, kupaksa mataku kembali pada buku The Lost Symbol karya Dan Brown, melanjutkan kisah misteri yang sesungguhnya sangat seru. pembatas buku terselip pada halaman 79. kembali menghela napas, aku mulai membaca halaman itu. dan sebuah isyarat lagi langsung tersaji.

halaman 79. wide acceptance of an idea is not proof of its validity.

ok. jadi aku harus bersabar. the idea of us being together, is not widely accepted yet. but it doesn’t mean it’s not valid. and vice versa (the idea of them being together is widely accepted, but it doesn’t mean it’s valid). fine. jadi aku (masih tetap) harus bersabar. baiklah.

********

a stolen weekend. beautiful and tender. but i know you are scared. so am i. this isn’t something that i do just for the fun of it. i do it because i love you, and because it feels so right. it may not seem right, but it does feel so right. you. me. soul mates.

a stolen weekend. affectionate and sweet. but i know that fear. it’s the fear that has kept us apart. i still have lots of questions too. why does something stolen feel so right? and why does something that feels so right make me bleed to death inside? so i share your fear. it’s my fear too. and i’m constantly trying to find the reason too, to make sense out of this too…

“if only i have a clear reason… i just need one clear reason…” kamu mengeluh sedih.

Ya Tuhan, tidakkah Kau mendengar? keluhan spontan itu adalah doa yang terlontar begitu saja dari mulutnya. tolong dengarkan. dengarkan dia dan kabulkan doanya. he needs a clear reason! please give him one… please… and please hurry…

if only i could crystallize that moment, that weekend, and stay frozen in it forever with you, i would. i would crystallize everything. the night of the full moon. our morning cups of coffee. the white smokes from our cigarettes. the beautiful view. our vespa ride to go to dinner. the tenderness. every word. every hug. every kiss. everything.

then we would stay in this inspirational little corner, with me in your wings, forever. what we’ve done this weekend, i don’t know whether it’s wrong or right. but for me, i am simply trying to connect the link, solely on the power of intention. i am trying to achieve the unachievable and to avoid the unavoidable, solely on the power of focused thoughts. because, believe it or not, a human thought can literally transform the physical world. so i no longer allow myself to fall in the hand of destiny. i am creating my destiny and becoming the master of my universe. and you, as you know, are the sun in my universe. my light, my warmth, my source of life.

********

the weekend is over. when i woke up this morning, nothing was lost. but nothing was mine. well, i guess i have to accept the cards that life gave me. but i get to decide how to play. and this is how i’m playing it. hati ini tak lagi sudi untuk mengalah.

aku, masih akan selalu mempertajam semua indera, untuk menangkap tepukan halus isyarat itu di bahu, lewat semua elemen alam di jagad raya ini. tanpa berhenti berusaha. tanpa berhenti berdoa. tanpa berhenti berharap. tanpa berhenti bermimpi. karena kamu, adalah matahariku.

and because life is short, there is no time to leave important words unsaid. i love you. even though i bleed, i love you. even when i’m angry, i love you. even when the whole world is turning against me, i love you. and i love you not because you’re nice or whatever, i love you because you rock my world.

and we should be together. the signs are everywhere. aku cuma berharap, kamu pun akan mendapat isyarat. segera. secepatnya. waktu kita. “segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya.” well, semoga waktunya adalah waktu kita. our time please. the one clear reason that you are praying for, may you receive it within our time. amen.

the sun in my universe

i really don’t know what to say. the tiny flashing message window on facebook suddenly got my attention. and i replied automatically. “hello”… “hey”… and next thing i knew, nearly 5 hours later, i was back where i started.

dear God, if that was a mistake, then You shouldn’t have let that happen. i could’ve been offline. i could’ve been so wrapped up reading “The Fifth Mountain”. i could’ve been in the bathroom! i don’t wanna be tested anymore. because You know, if it was only a test, a test to see how strong i was in fighting temptations, well… You know and i know, i’m not that strong. i would simply, without thinking, fall into the trap and make the same mistake again. so don’t. stop. quit testing me. i beg You. i won’t pass. i’m pathetic and weak. especially when it comes to that one creature of Yours. quit testing me. please.

so God, i figured if you let that happen, You must know what You’re doing. i’m trying not to lose my faith, so help me out here. i assume, You must know what You’re doing. and i assume You know how pathetic and weak i am. so i must also assume that You’re not doing this just because You love lifting me up to cloud nine, then delightfully watching me fall from that dangerous height. no. i must believe You’re not that cruel. i must believe You have a wonderful plan for me, for us, and that’s why You let the corner of my eye catch the tiny flashing window and let me reply. i want to believe that. should i believe that? all this time i remain vigilant to Your signs, but this is no time to give me another sign. what i need now is a clear, straight-to-the-point, humanly-understandable explanation to all this. please.

the thing is… God… in those 5 hours, i was recharged, ready to face the next couple of weeks with a smile. i was re-energized. You see, You have given me the sun in my universe. i revolve around this sun. i need the energy from this sun. i stay in orbit so i don’t die. however, staying in orbit also feels like crossing a minefield, losing a leg, an arm, half of a face, surprised to still be alive. if i ever make it, what’s left of me? here i am, in the middle of the minefield. i can’t go back, but i’m too afraid to move forward. so i’m staying right here, in the middle of the minefield, doing nothing, waiting for someone to rescue me. someone who would be willing to meet me half way, risking the minefield from the other side. hopefully, that someone is… that one creature of Yours whom i’ve loved, so much, without failing, for over 2 years now… the sun in my universe…

all my life, he is the one person who has been able to mess up my life this much, make me lose my entire ability not to care and pretend like i don’t give a shit, and make me lose faith in anything… anything at all. i’m an idiot, because of him. he’s the sun in my universe. i revolve around him. so God, one last time, i’m going to take for granted that You know what You’re doing. like James Blunt said in his song, “give me reason, but don’t give me choice. ‘cause i’m just gonna make the same mistake again.” quit testing me. please. amen.

“dear the sun in my universe, thank you for ‘wish you were here’ by pink floyd and ‘i want you back’ by michael jackson… and for still being in my universe… i don’t care what anyone says. i’m yours.”

scientifically, you must feel this too

if you’re human,
then you must feel this love too
because love is a type of energy
that travels through space
as rhythmic waves.

and when these waves
collide with the molecules of your heart
there’s no way you don’t feel blissful.

if you’re human,
then you must feel this pain too
because pain is a type of rhythmic disturbances
that carry energy in the air,
without carrying matter.

and when these disturbances
collide with matters of your soul
there’s no way you don’t feel tortured.

the bond between us has not been broken
because the energy waves that link us
are both transverse and compressional.
they move up and down, and side to side,
as well as backward and forward
in the same direction.

our hearts are stubborn and consistent
none of these feelings has been shaken
they create an electromagnetic field
and i know, we’re both in it.

this feeling has such density
that it would never ever vanish
into randomness,
the way we hope it would.

so if you’re human,
i know, scientifically,
you’re just as miserable
as i am today, everyday.

what do you do when you miss me?

what do you do when you miss me? what do you do when the sultry melting days and the cold bitter nights are no longer able to dissolve the shadow of my existence and the sound of my voice? what do you do when your busy schedules and heaps of work are no longer enough to block me from your mind and keep me away from your heart? do you light a cigarette, sit in front of the computer in your little cozy home office, and try to “read” me? do you let the smokes from your cigarette fill up your room, hoping they will relieve your deferred vision of me? do you listen to the Rolling Stones’ “Red Rooster” or to Sarah McLachlan’s version of “Black Bird”, while perusing my blog, eating whatever’s written and displayed on your LCD screen word by word, attempting to digest it as slowly as possible? do you stop in silence studying every detail of my uploaded photos, letting ashes from your cigarette fall to the floor? do you see a bright star emerge on the horizon, echoing a memory we both cherish, a memory from a place we both love, a place where we met? do you then allow a sun-tanned twilight to gently persuade you to search my name amongst hundreds or thousands of other names on your cell phone’s memory card? then what do you do? do you ping me on BlackBerry Messenger or email me or send me a short text message? or do you just wordlessly spell my name in your heart? maybe. coz I’m just guessing. coz over the many lost evenings and things we shall never see, I don’t even know anymore whether you still miss me, let alone what you would do when you miss me. and even if you do miss me sometimes, I don’t know whether you would do anything about it. because I miss you all the time, yet most of the times I try my best not to do anything, letting only my heart reminisce the tale of an unfinished moment, unfulfilled dreams and things unsaid, believing that we ought to have met in a different sky and on a different earth. maybe you’re like that too.

My Two Reasons to Live [from the dysfunctional family series]

Despite all my seemingly whole-hearted efforts to save the planet, giving the impression that I am saving all of you… uhm… I must confess that I actually hadn’t always cared that much about humans. Yes you! I didn’t care about you, human beings. I hated all humans. I hated all humans, until I was given the honor to experience a human growing inside me, TWICE! I hated all humans, until I got pregnant, twice. I hated all humans, until God gave me two little humans to take care of. With no instructions, no blueprint, no manuals, no guarantee. I hated all humans until I had to improvise to raise two human beings trusted in my care.

But ever since then, for me, these are the only two people on the planet worth living for, worth fighting for and worth dedicating this planet for. These are the two people that had managed to prevent me from committing suicide when my husband died (he used to be my reason to live). These are the two people who scream and shout at each other over the most unessential things, but at the same time, laugh together because of it. These are the two people who have glued this family together and kept me sane (most of the time).

These are my two reasons to live…

The first one was born in the middle of a snowstorm in Salt Lake City, Utah, U.S.A., 19 years ago. It had been snowing three days in a row, non-stop. But snow somehow has been given a “role” by Mother Earth as a phenomenon of nature that has the power of speech or music. It has the ability to give a heart an immediate change of mood. And so while everything was melodiously white, Cassandra was born. Cassandra Niki Sucahyo.

The second one was born down-under, in the land of the long white cloud, Aotearoa. You may know it as New Zealand. 15 years ago, in a tiny village of Timaru in the South Island of New Zealand, spring had just begun. The season of hope. And in this season of hope, the season that marks the beginning of new lives, new hopes and new dreams, a new human life was also beginning. We named her Sky. Sky Dwi-Drupadi Sucahyo.

To them, I owe this life. Because as I spend all these years improvising and trying my best to teach them all about life, as it turns out… most of time… it is THEM teaching me what life is all about…

So here they are… presenting… my two reasons to live… Cassey & Sky…



[Uhm… well… they haven’t quite turned out as sophisticated and lady-like as I had planned… but hey… they’re not perfect!!! Hahaha… I know you hate me for posting this video, girls… But I think we might as well admit that we’re a dysfunctional family, right? Luv ya!]

More than I should

More than it should, the silence of my nights holds tender memories about you. More than they should, dark cloudless skies constantly remind me of you. More than they should, quite thoughts bring your smiles to every corner of the walls in my room. And more than I should, I find myself wishing for the velvety moon to tap on your door and letting you know that I like you, more than I should…

More than they should, the cool shades of dawn start my every day with renewed hopes. More than it should, every conversation with you, no matter how trivial, sounds like a love song. More than it should, the jingle of your laughter brings sweet dreams on green meadows. More than it should, each heartbeat seems to take forever. And more than I should, more than ever lately, I have to admit that I like you, more than I should…

More than it should, my mind violently refuses to understand where I stand, that this isn’t what I’ve planned. More than it should, every cell of my existence stubbornly finds its own reason to justify what I feel, explaining that you’re the only one who gets it and so you must be the healing blue ocean and the eagle of the sky. More than it should, my soul gets more and more restless, rejecting to endure much longer and letting you simply reside wordlessly inside. More than it should, my heart keeps failing to recognize that this feeling could possibly jeopardize the very comfort of not having more than I should…

Yeah, it’s just me, wanting what I can’t have. Typical.

PRAYER ON A CLOUDY DAY

Today, the usually optimistic sunrise is hidden behind hopeless clouds. Only morning dews groan aghast. I wish to go back to sleep under blankets of dreams, so I don’t have to face the thunder of truth in my heart.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Today, as the daughter of earth and ocean, I want to bask in Heaven’s blue smile. I want to see the light of the angels’ golden wings and be given what my heart desires to get.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.

I change but I cannot die. Like a child from the womb and the ghost from the tomb, I am only here, still hoping to dance about the sun once again…

Bapa kami yang di surga, aku mencintai-MU.
Semua kutukan nenek moyangku, papa mamaku,
keluargaku, pasanganku, mereka yang sudah meninggal dunia
dan bahkan juga aku sendiri, aku patahkan dalam KUASAMU.
Sakit penyakit dalam tubuhku dan keluargaku
telah ENGKAU sembuhkan.
Berkatilah aku, pasangan hidupku, anak-anakku,
semua keluargaku, rumahku, pekerjaanku serta teman-temanku.
Jadikanlah kami kepanjangan hati dan tangan-MU.
Dalam nama TUHAN YESUS kami berdoa.
AMIN.

The Stage

slowly sweeping the face of the sky
counting the stars, one by one
the moon seems sleepy in the sweet caress of heaven
while my pen quickly loses its pace
the clock in my room keeps its steady ticks
like an invisible poet reading tedious verses
leaving me startled for long time, unable to find words
only sighing and nodding every once in a while
pretending to understand…

I move my fingers above my head
making illustrious dance arrangements
as if I could hear angelic music faintly playing
the curtain opens and the stage is suddenly mine
a heartrending tale is about to be told
from a hidden corner of this lousy life
how can I silence this soul?
make it sit nicely and properly sing a song
voicing tender sounds of the heart
interpreting each written fate on my hand
how can I silence this soul?

unseen tears stream into a pond of sorrow
flowing into misery
then embraced in mournful haze
forcing me to contemplate…
feeling the urge to burn every wound
would it heal?
I contemplate…

it must heal…
it must heal…
I’m convinced
otherwise,
darken the stage
close the curtain

and end this story…

[some FEELINGS sink SO DEEP into the heart that ONLY LONELINESS can help you find them again. some TRUTHS about yourself are SO PAINFUL that ONLY SHAME can help you live with them. and some THINGS are just SO SAD that ONLY YOUR SOUL can do the crying for you.]

You Know Who You Are

what? huh?

YES… YOU… you know who you are…

it’s not THAT hard, y’know
to just confess
to just admit
to just disclose
to just declare
to just come clean
to just own up
to just divulge
to just acknowledge (yes i am looking at the thesaurus…)
i’m just a phone call away…

even if you can’t be with me right now
even if responsibilities bind you right now
even if hope is so fragile right now
still… you can tell me
and i’m just a phone call away…

no, this isn’t a post-modern poetic babble
this isn’t a pretension
this isn’t idolatry of scrambled thought
it’s to tell you that it’s obvious…
secret obsession
secret hope
secret desire
secret love? maybe?
nevertheless, i know you know that i know…
or at least i suspect you suspect that i suspect

so why so secretive?
you’re hurting just as much as i am…
you’re longing just as much as i am…
you’re hoping just as much as i am…
you’re dreaming just as much as i am…
so why so secretive?

i’m NOT interested in that
and you know it
i know you know it
even when you fear it a bit
guess what… done that, been there
so i’m NOT interested in that anymore
your fear has no ground…
you are as free as a bird, as an eagle in the sky
why eagle? i like eagle!
to me, it’s the symbol of freedom
it’s the one thing that i always strive for
freedom… whether it’s right or wrong…
so there…

i’m mostly human, y’know
i do dream about the sky and the sun
i do wish for the soft cream clouds
and i do want beauty and love and life in between
but i know you know that i’m also logical
the silver jingles in your voice
the shimmers of your blazing eyes
they’re not going to get me caught
in a whirlpool of time
and turn me into a damn fool

i just want to be honest
about how i feel
and i want you to be honest
about how you feel
without splashes of red or pools of green
without painting everything like Monet
i just want it plain
plain is just fine
it’s not THAT hard, y’know

out of hundreds, you're the only one
yes... literally... out of hundreds
it's a habit... it's regular... i know that
it's not just a site... it's a bookmark
you're caught, you can no longer hide
come out, come out, wherever you are

make it today
and make it so tomorrow is forever today
confused?
sorry…
but still… it’s not THAT hard!

18 Feb 08 © amanda meirini sucahyo