Lately, more and more of my blog readers and twitter friends turn out to be a lot younger than me. And as they realize that, more and more of them call me “Tante”, which means “Aunt” in Indonesian. And of course, more and more of them got scolded (by me… HAHA), for calling me that.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m one of those people who are ashamed of growing old. I’m not. I’m 40 years old. And in two months, I will turn 41. I’m not afraid to say it, I’m not ashamed to admit it, nor am I ever going to deny it. I cherish everything I’ve experienced in my nearly-41-years of life, good or bad. Well, ok, I cursed many times about the bad things that happened to me, but still, I’m not ashamed of my age, at all. This is NOT the reason why I don’t like to be called “Tante” or “Mbak” (sister) or anything. Unless you are related to me by blood, I’d prefer, very much, to be called… Rini. That’s my name. That’s what you should call me.
Moreover, I am fully aware that calling someone “Tante”, “Om” (uncle), “Mbak”, “Mas” (brother), “Ibu” (ma’am), “Bapak” (sir) and so on, are considered good manners out of respect for anyone older than us. At least, that’s what the Indonesian culture dictates. Every Indonesian kid had been taught this type of courtesy since they were very young. Culture is always good and must be persistently preserved. Right? Well, let’s talk about this, shall we?
An Eye-Opener
Let me share a story first. When I was 17, I went to the United States of America for the first time. It was also the first time I traveled alone. I was going to finish my last year of high school there, and then I was going to continue my college education, also in the States. The first year in the States, I stayed with a wonderful American couple, Earl and Barbra Copfer. They had 3 children, but the first 2 kids had all grown up and left the house. The youngest was the only one who still lived at home. Her name was Tracy and she was my age. I was really grateful to be placed with the Copfers, because I instantly had a friend my age. Someone to watch MTV with, go shopping with, and discuss boys with. Hahaha!
When I first arrived, I didn’t quite know what to call them. My Indonesian upbringing had taught me to call them Uncle Earl and Aunt Barbra. But I knew I would be laughed at if I did that. So I used “ma’am” and “sir” instead. “Yes, ma’am.” “No thank you, sir.” But they laughed at me anyway! Then Barbra said, “Just call us Earl and Barbra.” Tracy also said so. Of course I felt uncomfortable, and for a while I still stubbornly called them “ma’am” and “sir”. Until a few days later, Tracy introduced me to her best friend, Jane.
Jane was two years younger than us. She had this doll-like, very pretty face, with long blonde hair. She was very cute. As she came in the house, Barbra was in the kitchen preparing dinner. “Hi, Jane!” Barbra said, smiling to Jane. Jane replied, “Hi Barbra! What’s cooking?” WHAT? This was a girl, younger than me and Tracy, and yet she called Barbra… just Barbra!
For a while, I just sat quietly listening to their conversations. Barbra asked Jane about school, boyfriend, music, etcetera, etcetera. The point is, they chatted just like a normal adult talking to a normal kid, using normal manners, discussing normal stuff that anyone normal in the whole world would discuss about. But they called each other BY NAME.
That day, I came to a realization. We don’t have to show RESPECT by addressing someone with a certain title. We show respect by the way we ACT.
Such an eye-opener!
Western Culture?
From then on, not only that I felt more and more comfortable calling anyone that I met in the States by name, making lots of wonderful friends, having such good times, I also promised myself that THIS was the CULTURE that I must apply back home in Indonesia.
“But that’s WESTERN culture,” you would say in protest.
Yes. It is Western culture. But so is MTV and V-Channel that you watch religiously every day. So is the way you dress sometimes. So is the way you talk sometimes. So is driving. So is smoking. So is drinking. So is hanging out at cafés, sipping iced coffee while enjoying an afternoon with good friends. There are SO MANY things from the Western culture that WE as Indonesians embrace whole-heartedly. Can you deny it? Just count how many things that you do, own, say, and listen to, actually came from the West.
And many of the things we embrace are not necessarily good, such as drugs and casual sex. Oh come on! Let’s not be hypocrites and just admit that. Some are not necessarily bad, but they are also… not necessarily necessary. Such as consumptive habits or shopping. Is that our culture? NO. This is also a Western culture. In our culture, in the old days, shopping only happened once a week. We used to have “hari pasar” or market day. It was the only day we could go shopping and we only shopped for things that we needed. Necessity only. But look at our country. Malls are appearing everywhere, more than schools and hospitals. Is that our culture? NO. Is it bad? Not necessarily. Is it good? Not necessarily.
The Seatbelt Story
This leads me to another story. After 10 years living overseas (U.S.A. and New Zealand), I came home to Indonesia for good. It was a weekend, and I immediately got in touch with a few good friends for a get-together. My husband, Boy, was still alive then. So our friends picked us up to hang out and have a few drinks. (Western culture? Yes.)
A friend was driving, and two other was waiting in the backseat. Boy got in the back with them, while I sat in the front, next to the driver. Out of habit, I looked for the seatbelt and immediately buckled up. This was 1997, looooong before Indonesia formalized the seatbelt law. And just like that, everyone in the car, except my husband of course, suddenly stared at me with their jaws dropped to the floor, as if I was completely insane. And a few seconds later, they broke into uncontrollable laughter.
“Hello!!! You’re back in Indonesia, Rin. No need for seatbelt. We’re all brave drivers here!” they said.
Did I listen to them and unbuckle my seatbelt? OF COURSE NOT!!! I glared at them and started a long speech about the importance of seatbelts. But they laughed even more. *Sigh* Yet I kept my seatbelt on. And I still do, every time I’m in a car, without fail, and without hesitance.
Is wearing seatbelts a Western culture? Yes. Is it good? YES, DAMN IT, YES!!!!! So why don’t we readily adopt such good culture instead of bad ones or needless ones?
A Culture by Heart
So back to my original point of this long article, calling someone by name is ALSO a good culture. It is a culture that teaches us not to be pretentious. It teaches us to respect EACH OTHER, no matter how old or how young we are, by the way we act, by the tones we choose, by our gestures, by our expressions… by heart.
Remember, a culture is something that is created by humans. As part of the human race, it is therefore OUR RESPONSIBILITY to keep evaluating our culture, preserving the good ones and throwing away the bad ones, adopting other cultures that may enrich or improve our own.
And to all of you, the young people, our next generation, it is YOUR shoulders that I put my hopes on. My generation is getting old. I’m getting old. There’s no use in fighting their way of thinking anymore. Let them be. Let us be. We’ll be gone in the next couple decades anyway. Maybe sooner.
Do you remember all those years in junior high and high school when you were intimidated by your seniors? Do you remember “ospek” or this ridiculous “orientation and initiation period” as you entered college? Do you NOW experience pointless seniority in your office or school?
ALL OF THAT is a DIRECT RESULT of our so-called culture to “respect” older people. As if the young ones do need to be respected. As if they only exist to be bullied, stepped on, bashed, smashed, whacked, and thumped all over.
CHANGE IT! Let’s respect each other. Let’s start by calling each other by first names, no matter how old we are. Trust me, it is an effective method to change the “dogma” that was instilled in your brain. It is a method to change your behavior, your way of thinking, and your way of perceiving others. Very effective, and… VERY NECESSARY!
Don’t repeat our mistakes. Break the chain. Evaluate our culture and decide: which one worth keeping and which one is obsolete and has totally screwed us up.
So, my dear blog readers and twitter friends. Let’s start over. Allow me to introduce myself again.
My name is Meirini Sucahyo. I’m 40 years old. And you can just call me… Rini.
Thanks.
* Especially dedicated to:
· Dwi - a.k.a. @ruckuus
· Ajeng - a.k.a. @misskepik_
* And also dedicated to:
· Lalla - a.k.a. @LallaPratami
· Feby - a.k.a. @FebyMusbar
· Farah - a.k.a. @FarahMaulia
· Eryka - a.k.a. @erykayla
* And special thanks to Yuni a.k.a. @geeky_unee for “paving the way”
HAHAHA *kisses Yuni in the mouth then spits*
