Stingray

I had a dream last night. I was snorkeling on shallow waters and nearly swam right into a stingray. Luckily, there was a guy that I didn’t know telling me to watch out. “Be careful, there’s a stingray,” he said. Just then I saw it. The stingray. It was lying motionless on sandy bed, moving only with the sway of the tide. Beautiful, free-spirited, kind and gentle. Yet it can strike hard and deadly when it’s threatened. So I swam away. I wasn’t scared. But I was relieved I avoided it when I could. I looked back a couple of times as I swam further and further away from it, just to admire it. The beautiful, free-spirited, kind and gentle dancer of the sea. The joyful angels of the deep, giving memories to keep.

I’ve been wondering all day what that dream means. It is quite common to find stingrays in shallow coastal waters of temperate seas. Unless it is a blue-spotted eagle ray, most species are usually quite well camouflaged as their colors blend perfectly with the shades of the seafloor. They typically just lie there on the sands with their notorious tails trailing behind. But when they are inclined to move, it looks like they’re flying and dancing at the same time. Contrary to some beliefs, they don’t attack people. They only use their venomous barbs for defense. I love the rays – both stingrays and manta rays (these are the stingless ones). To me, they’re the eagles of the sea. They’re always graceful, elegant and lovely.

So why did I dream about a stingray? Is it because I miss diving so much lately? Because I miss being in the depth of the ocean where I could hear nothing but the voices in my heart and the voices in my head? I don’t think so. A friend of mine who is very talented in decoding dreams used to say, a dream only tells you things about yourself. So if you dream that someone is dying, it doesn’t mean that literally. It could mean an ending of a relationship with this person. It could mean an unhappy feeling that you have toward this person but you have been denying it. It could mean a number of things, but it always tells you about YOU. So, what does a stingray tell me about me?

Could it mean that I feel threatened? Could it mean that I’m entering a territory that is sort of familiar but could be deadly? Could it mean that my free-spirited, kind and gentle world is in jeopardy? I have been vulnerable. For a year and a half, I have been so vulnerable I’ve become helpless. But I’m not defenseless. Like the stingray, I could also strike hard and deadly when I’m threatened. But who or what threatens me? Maybe I’m threatening myself with all these foolish hopes and silly wishes. Maybe the dream is warning me that things could turn out deadly… There are things hidden and perfectly camouflaged that could strike really hard and end up hurting me… Or maybe I’ve been too paranoid and negative lately that the stingray represents all my fears of failing, my anxiety at the possibility of pain of losing something or someone so dear. Could it be? Shit! Maybe I should… swim away… while I still can…

Maybe…

But this heart is so stubborn…
It hurts just thinking about swimming away…
I want to stay… lying motionless on the sand next to you
I want to stay… flying and dancing gracefully with the tide
I want to stay… being beautiful, free-spirited, kind and gentle just like you
I want to stay… I don’t want just memories to keep
I want to stay… forever

This heart is so stubborn…
It hurts just thinking about swimming away…

So I guess I must prepare for that deadly strike…
I just hope it strikes me right in my heart
So I would die instantly without feeling the pain

Damn it!