PRAYER ON A CLOUDY DAY

Today, the usually optimistic sunrise is hidden behind hopeless clouds. Only morning dews groan aghast. I wish to go back to sleep under blankets of dreams, so I don’t have to face the thunder of truth in my heart.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Today, as the daughter of earth and ocean, I want to bask in Heaven’s blue smile. I want to see the light of the angels’ golden wings and be given what my heart desires to get.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.
Amen.

I change but I cannot die. Like a child from the womb and the ghost from the tomb, I am only here, still hoping to dance about the sun once again…

Bapa kami yang di surga, aku mencintai-MU.
Semua kutukan nenek moyangku, papa mamaku,
keluargaku, pasanganku, mereka yang sudah meninggal dunia
dan bahkan juga aku sendiri, aku patahkan dalam KUASAMU.
Sakit penyakit dalam tubuhku dan keluargaku
telah ENGKAU sembuhkan.
Berkatilah aku, pasangan hidupku, anak-anakku,
semua keluargaku, rumahku, pekerjaanku serta teman-temanku.
Jadikanlah kami kepanjangan hati dan tangan-MU.
Dalam nama TUHAN YESUS kami berdoa.
AMIN.

Winter, Skiing & Just Me

Grey sky and purpled lights on canyon streets. Enchanted little towns all draped in white. God, I miss the days when the whirls of snow enlivened me with joy. I miss those snowy mountains where even spirits walk ever so slowly, swept by cold. I miss the feeling of my foot sinking deep in virgin snow, one by one, leaving intriguing footprints. I miss the days when winter meant body in motion on a downhill dare… SKIING!!! I miss the sensual feeling of icy winds rushing all around me, surrounded by beautiful landscape, whispers of snow and the occasional glimmer of dancing sunlight as it kissed the clouds. It’s like being free of the restraints that bind me to the earth. God, I miss winter… I miss skiing… I miss being me, just me…

Instead, here I am, trapped in tropical heat. Not only that, I’m trapped in a country where the new are born to destroy the old. A nation where dreams are easily broken. A place where respect must be automatically given to older people and people with certain statuses in life. A place where religion is not a choice but must be inherited from fathers to sons, from mothers to daughters, from families to families. I have no more empathy for my own people. I have no more respect for the culture, the religions, the norms and all the shit they made me grow up with. I know that’s bad. But who are all these people anyway? They flow in the veins of every city, every town, every village and every kampung to lie and to steal. And they don’t only steal money. They steal pride and dignity. They steal love and lust. They steal spirits and freedom. And they do it while hiding like butterflies among fluttering leaves. They’re all like that. That’s why I wish we could have winter here… coz when all the leaves dry out and fall to the ground, they would no longer have a place to hide… And they would die on the snow and I would freely ski on them! God, I miss winter… I miss skiing… I miss being me, just me…

It’s almost October and winter is fast approaching the northern hemisphere. It’s almost ski season again. But I’m here where people only know one season… THE HOT SEASON. You may think we have two seasons in the tropics – dry season and rainy season – but you’re wrong. You see, when it’s dry, it’s hot. When it’s wet, it’s hot. So we only have one season: THE HOT SEASON. No flowery springs, no wild summers, no romantic autumns and no soothing winter. No winter. No ice sheets. No snow flakes whirling fantastically in misty air. No winter. And so here I am. I’m the one who goes late in the streets and thinks of murder. I’d like to murder all those people who destroyed every single thing I believed in. I’m the one who lies staring and thinks of death. Maybe death is the only way out. I’m the one who has suffered, clenches her hands despairing, holds her breath and thinks the air is fire. In this room, silently, I miss winter… I miss skiing… I miss being me, just me…

IT'S A MUST!

unfortunately
my heart wasn't made of stone
unfortunately
it's so fragile and easily broken

a year has burned out red and gold
but the colors bled into my world and died
leaving a space
between believing and not believing
between faith and death
between existence and emptiness
not quite here
not quite there
not quite anywhere

unfortunately
it's just a space
a very uncomfortable space

unfortunately
i'm quite stubborn
so i'm insisting
and i'm pressing on
bleeding to death
but still pressing on

because i believe
it's a MUST!

off to college she goes...

So… she’s off to college. My oldest daughter, Cassey. Insisting she would NOT go to college anywhere near her nagging mother, here she is now… in the culturally intense, historically significant, yet pretty much sleepy small town of Jogjakarta.

A huge change for an “I’m-always-trendy”, “I-refuse-to-look-ugly”, “I-must-be-popular”, typical big city girl like her. A transformation that will need a bit of revolution. Not only because she’s away from me and the rest of her family, she’s also away from her boyfriend who is now starting college in Bandung, away from ALL of her dearest friends who mostly are starting college in Jakarta and Bandung, AND away from all the little conveniences that she’s used to… such as maids, driver, highly sophisticated malls, fashionable hangout places, cool concerts and other hip events.

Here in Jogja, she only has a tiny studio-like space she must now call “home” and a sport bicycle as her means of transportation. Her hangout places from now on will be those small coffee and rice stalls or warung. There’re only a couple of really good clubs in town and they’re quite far from where she lives. There are plenty of malls, but none that matches the style and class of those in the capital city. But… I guess these extraordinary challenges ahead are very much appropriate to test her strength and her will, especially because she is now… a philosophy student. Yes, out of all the trendy available choices, she chose to study the mother of all knowledge, the root of all comprehension, the origin of all understanding… Philosophy.

Now… let’s see how the young philosopher-wanna-be did in her first week in Jogjakarta…

I had to come with her. Of course. It’s useless telling her that when I went to college in the States, which was lot farther then Jogjakarta, I went alone without mom, dad or anyone… Nope, no point telling her that, because in those final days in Jakarta, she was already panicking. What to bring, what not to bring, what to buy in Jakarta, what could wait ‘til she arrived in Jogja, whether to call her boyfriend, whether not to call her boyfriend, whether this and that. It was hell. She was excited and nervous at the same time. She was crying and laughing at the same time. She was hell. And I couldn’t blame her…

We arrived in Jogja early in a Friday morning. After seeing the studio she rented, I was quite relieved. It’s clean, well-maintained, close to various food stalls, close to Jogjakarta’s newest mall and most importantly, close to her campus, which only 300 meter away. It already came with a clean bathroom, a nice spring bed, clothes drawers and a big TV stand with lots of storage spaces. Now, my task was how to make her feel at home enough so she wouldn’t ask me to send her a ticket home every few weeks. So we shopped.

The first three days in Jogja, we shopped and shopped and shopped. Money ran through my fingers like water. A flat-screen 21” TV, a small fridge, a stylish study table, a hanging book rack, cable TV connection, internet connection and a whole bunch of other stuff. I must admit, I was probably going over the top (and definitely way over budget) in the desperate attempt to minimize the difference between being here and being back in Jakarta. So I spoiled her a bit. So what? I have the right to be a mushy touchy feely mom too sometimes…

Then came the first test for the young philosopher. Cleaning her bathroom. Something she never had to do, EVER, in her 18.5 years of life.

Yes, she had responsibilities at home too. Ever since she was old enough to walk, I already taught her to tidy up her own room, her own toys, her own books, etcetera. As she grew older she even had to help me out in the kitchen. That was since she was around 6 years old. But cleaning the bathroom? No, I never made her do that, since I don’t even like doing it myself. As it turned out though, she did alright (it means she didn’t vomit). I was quite proud and relieved. At least now I’m rest assured that the place wouldn’t look like a total muddle of shit next time I visit her.

The second test was the bicycle. I didn’t buy her a car, God knows I can’t afford it. I didn’t buy her a motorbike, God knows I could never trust her with it. So I got her a bicycle. Cheap, healthy and environmentally-friendly. The question is: can she handle the traffic on it?

She knows how to ride a bike of course. She’s done it since she was four. But so far, she only rode her bike around our safe and protected housing complex. She never had to face horrible traffic on it. And now, to get to campus, she must ride along the famous “Selokan Mataram” for a couple hundred meters, then make a U-turn on one of Jogja’s busiest streets, “Jl. Gejayan”, then continue on a little bit more on a reasonably-wide-but-sometimes-busy campus street before she’d arrive right at the doorstep of her faculty. Can she handle it?

She was mighty nervous. I casually said, “It’s not that bad, Cas. Jl. Gejayan is busy, but it’s nothing compared to any street in Jakarta. And it’s only a 300 meter ride. It’s short and easy! No big deal!” But actually, I WAS TERRIFIED BEYOND WORDS!!! So one morning before I was scheduled to leave, I MADE HER PRACTICE. She was on her bike and I accompanied her all the way on another bike, a bike that belongs to another girl in the complex. Mind you, this is a girl that I didn’t know, a girl that she didn’t know, but we woke her up that morning anyway JUST to borrow her bike. Pretty smooth, Mom! It shows that you’re not nervous at all! Right.

Thankfully, she survived that practice. Oh forget her, thankfully I SURVIVED THAT PRACTICE. She just didn’t know that the last time I rode a bike in heavy traffic like that was in high school!!! I was nervous seeing the traffic just as much as she did and started wondering whether buying her a bike was a HUGE mistake. But… WE SURVIVED. And now, she loves the bike. Phew! Thank God! I can breathe now…

Then it was time to leave her. This is it. This isn’t a weekend camping trip or a summer getaway anymore. This is a trip to the rest of her life. This is a trip to adulthood. This is the mean real world and I’m leaving her in it. This is a trip to forever. Next time she comes back home, I know it’s never gonna be “home” to her ever again. She’s on her own, she’s all grown up.

Finally… I have to admit that as it turns out… it’s sooo… BLOODY HARD… to let a kid grow up and leave home… leave me... Finally, I know what my parents must’ve felt when I left them at the age of 18 to the United States! I’m breaking apart just letting Cassey go to Jogja, which is less than an-hour flight from Jakarta. Imagine having her leave me to another country! Well, I know… I know that time will come too. But until then, I just hope she’s alright. I hope she’s having heaps of fun. And I hope she’s making something useful with her life, because from now on… her life is totally hers.

Good luck, Cas. Be a philosopher. Be anything, as long as you’re happy. Take care. I love you.

Hyderabad, the Pearl of India

Beyond India's more popular cities, New Delhi and Mumbai (formerly known as Bombay), discover an ancient city so rich in history, culture and nature. Capture the beauty and serenity of real India. Celebrate the wonders of Hyderabad, the City of Pearl, where history stands the test of time.

Hyderabad is a place of magic. The old city, situated on the south bank of Musi River, boasts a wide choice of places to visit and experience. Colorful historical palaces as well as warm-hearted local people who are eager to share their cultural heritage with you, lie on this bank, which is considered the center of old Hyderabad.

One of the most magnificent pieces in Hyderabad is the Chaminar. Built in the 16th century by the Qutb Shahi King, Mohammad Quli Qutb Shah, prepare yourself to be awed by the glorious edifice of Chaminar. While admiring the decorative pillars and walls, you can't help but imagine the powerful and majestic reverence the city's ancestors must have felt for this palace. It is no wonder that the local people of Hyderabad take enormous pride in it.

Letting the history bug move you along, you will arrive at yet another splendid architecture, the Falaknuma Palace. Extraordinary works of Florentine sculptors decorate its interior with seemingly no expense spared. Only 5 km from Chaminar, this piece of architecture was built in the 19th century and was often used by India's high officials to host very elegant dinners in the State Reception Room, boasting a 100-seater amazingly stunning dining table. Standing atop a high hillock, the palace also commands a grand view of the city of Hyderabad.

Attention shoppers! Hyderabad jewelries are popular for their quality of luster, whether it's natural, cultured or even imitation. Stroll along the Lad Bazaar to the west of Chaminar and make your own fashion statement with an eclectic collection of bangles, cosmetics and henna, to name just a few. For more upmarket taste, shop at the Golden Mile of Hyderabad which sells nearly all varieties that your heart could possibly desire.

If you may want to appreciate more culture, then proceed to Shilparamam, which literally means “sculpture village”. Here, other than buying sculpted handicrafts and artwork, you can also take in Carnatic performances at an open-air auditorium.

The best fuel for a trip to India is pure adventure in its lush tropical landscape and a chance to encounter wildlife. So for those of you nature lovers, you must not forget to journey to the Bahadurpura area, where around 1,500 animal species roam happily in the Nehru Zoological Park. Take a safari through the domain of lions, tigers, wild oxen, panthers and elephants!

There is still much more to see in this old glittering city. The longer you stay, the more you are hypnotized by the sheer magnet of enchanting Indian culture. And when you go home, you'll always be dreaming of the captivated land of India through its charming Hyderabad.

Jogjakarta, Eternity in Time

Jogjakarta at last. Apparently, I really needed this holiday. Didn’t quite realize that my brain was fried. Conservation work does burn you out quickly, especially since most people couldn’t give a shit about it. But this isn’t a story about conservation. The entire planet can fall apart with global warming and climate change, yet Jogjakarta stands still. Serenely beautiful, offering the ancient Javanese wisdom of true acceptance. The art of accepting anything – good or bad – that befalls us in this life. Jogjakarta is wisdom…

Jogjakarta at last. Here, I can be deep in thoughts without ending up seeking for suicidal mechanisms to end my frustration. Staring at the monumental “Tugu”, I have come to understand that life is guided. Nothing can happen without the permission of God. NOTHING. Earth is only a temporary home. And if God lets us be stupid enough to destroy our only home, then God must have another plan and His plan is always… good. Even if we have to pay for it dearly, with our lives and worse… with our souls… It’s a good plan. It’s the natural law at work. None of us should try to interfere with His force. None of us should try to reverse it by trying to “save the Earth” either. Each of us should only do what we can, while we can, to the best knowledge that we know to save ourselves, spiritually that is. Then we’ll find peace, even as Earth crumbles. Jogjakarta is endless spirituality and mysticism. Jogjakarta is peace…

Jogjakarta at last. Our fates are not written on a blank page but on our hearts. A thousand lifetimes have passed in this ancient city without having to learn the science of Earth. And yet here we are the human race… We’re all still here on the paths of everyday. Here on the common human way. Here is all the stuff that God would take to build heaven. What are we so afraid of? Dying? Afraid for the future of our children? God lets them to be born on this planet and so God must have a good plan which is written on their hearts. Afraid that the human race is ending? So what? It would be nice to see Earth without any of us once again. Why are we fighting so hard? Why am I fighting so hard? Why are we so afraid? Why am I so afraid? I have no reason to be. I am destined for eternity. Not on this planet, but in an enlightened space God has prepared for me. I must believe that the Truth will be unveiled before the eyes of the world and eternity will be ours forever. For now, Jogjakarta is my eternity in time…

The Time When Perfection Was Us

My cell phone rang at 2 AM. It was a call from the past. A reminder of the time when the moon was shining brightly over the tree tops and its reflection on the water was such a beautiful sight. It was the time when perfection was us…

So that’s what today meant… A little get together after eight long years in the attempt to steal a particular time in the past that should stand still. Because today time did stand still while I wandered in the maze of ecstasy, a brief yet true moment of bliss, leaving me craving for more and paying it with my heart. Feeling beautiful and perfectly at home. Somewhere in my receding mind I remembered the time when perfection was us…

The funny thing is the only way of having true love is to realize that someday it may be lost. But the heart is obviously so persistent in believing that no one deserves such pain and torture. I stared at the clock on my cell phone. It was nearly 3 PM. The sun was no longer riding so high. It was half a day of silver pool where memory swam. It was half a day of immeasurable and soothing grace. It was half a day when distant words seemed dancing on dark walls. And at the end, I had to tell myself to get a grip. It was only half a day trying to replicate the time when perfection was us…

All and all, I just want to say thank you. For when silence resounds and years die, your mind apparently does not stop and leave me forgotten to easy twilight years. One time in the past you had driven me to choose, but today you showed me that you have actually chosen to keep the place where I once sat… You have evidently chosen not to release the fears or sorrow, nor the sweet memories of the time when perfection was us…

Sweet, Sweet Rain

Finally, pitter patter of raindrops fall melodiously from Jakarta sky… Like a song of hope, heavy showers squelch, squirt, squiggle, drizzle and drip… The rhythm is so delightful in my ears, drumming in perfect harmony, drowning out any pain, sorrow and desperation in me… Sweet, sweet rain…

Heal my heart, clean my soul and renew my faith… The rain and me make an awkward company… The surface of every drop of water are these eyes of mine… I love the rain! I love the fact that it wakes me up in an exact shape of destiny… In the night fog, in a forest of grief, it always has a way to grow happy bushes of flowers again… The sound of rain in the four corners that I’ve been writing about… It lifts up the weight of the earth on my chest and brings back the smile to my face… Until I can see where you are, until you amuse me often enough, until we grow old and die, the rain leaves no trace of what has been taken away… Sweet, sweet rain…

Let the rain kiss you and tell you that I miss you… Still pools on the sidewalk and running pools in the gutter, let the rain play a little lullaby on your roof tonight… Gazing at the clouds, so dark up above, yet the rain gives my heart a defense like the sound of the tide… Flooding a hot August night and imprisoning me in dreams again… Making me yawn while daring me to look to the future again … From the beginning to the end, this is the sound of rain that I have saved for you… Sweet, sweet rain…

my hands are cold...

Sitting here, contemplating my fate… Going through old messages, reading old notes… Nothing is forgotten… Nothing… A familiar image of a very short time… Over and around me everywhere I go, everywhere I look… If it’s not real, then why do I have the feeling of being watched? When the only thing I wanna do is cry, the sound wakes me up suddenly, one particular image flashes brightly, one particular name that turns my dream to nothing but gray… There! The answer is so loud and clear! There’s such finality in that little travel plan. Why is the heart so stubborn? Refusing to believe, declining to accept, rejecting every logic…

Unnoticed, unheard, unseen… Keep wondering whether you remember me at my best or whether you remember me at all… What does it take? What should I do? I continue to sit in silence, hoping one of these days, you may stumble across… I can only hope you’d do it in time, otherwise I would have drifted too far... Fading out of the lives of everyone… nearly unnoticed…

Lately, days and nights are so full of secrets. Everything’s hidden. Yet you still appear so beautiful. Dangerously beautiful. And swimming in beauty, there’s a glimmer of hope that the undiscovered knowledge favors my wishes… The hope of having you waiting around the next corner… to wipe my tears away, to hold and warm my cold hands… Because I can’t let myself believe that when something good is gone, it will never come back around…

Enough of this curse. I know there’s something there… You’re not invincible… That I’m sure… Enough of these trivial things. I know it’s getting too hard to ignore… You’re not immune to morning sunlight and evening twilight… That I’m sure… Again, awaiting the next full moon… Yup, that will be the time… It must be the time to take in the fullest essence of this life… You…

Global Warming 101