Neither a Western Mother, Nor an “Amy Chua”

Well, well… I guess it takes a Chinese mother to get me to blog again, after almost a year.

Yeah, I suddenly feel the need to point out that as an Asian single mother of two daughters, I’ve only had ONE rule and ONE rule only: Don’t get Mom in trouble, directly or indirectly.

I will explain to you about that rule later. But first let me tell you why I needed to write this. I needed to let you know that I'm neither a Western mother, nor an "Amy Chua".

Reading Amy Chua’s article, titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” left me with my jaw dropped to the floor. As an Asian myself, I know her so-called “parenting techniques” are actually quite common among Asians. Denying children of their basic rights, which is to play, overriding the children’s preferences and molding them into exactly what the parents want, IS the specialty of most Asian parents.

Some parents even go beyond academic and artistic demands. They decide all aspects of life for their children. Where to live, where to work, who to work for, when to marry, who to marry, what religion to believe, and so on. But to write it out proudly like that? And to present it to the whole world as “superiority”? She must’ve been really brave, or really insane.

I admit, my first impulse after reading her article was to lash out on Amy Chua for making all of us Asian mothers look and sound tyrannical. I wanted to tell her, not all Asian mothers are like you, bitch! Then, thankfully, I read a second article by a Jewish mother, Ayelet Waldman, titled “In Defense of the Guilty, Ambivalent, Preoccupied Western Mom”. I was relieved.

I was relieved because I no longer had the urge to bitch on Ms. Chua. Ms. Waldman’s article reminded me that there WERE times that I too was tyrannical. I let my children have their playtimes, sleepovers, computer games, TV, and internet. I let them choose extracurricular activities. I let them do a lot of things that “normal” Asian (and religious) parents probably wouldn’t, including having boyfriends and, now that they’re 17 and 21, drinking alcohol.

So I believe I’m not as terrifying as Ms. Chua. But I TOO could get tyrannical. Need an example? It just happened last year, when I found out that after spending two precious years studying Philosophy (not to mention spending my precious hard-earned money) in one of the most prestigious universities in the country, my oldest daughter Cassey, actually failed in almost every single class! Not only that, she had faked every single exam result that she sent to me, in the hope that she’d be able to fix her grade point average before I found out. She was wrong, because the university sent a letter directly to me, threatening that my daughter would have to drop out if her GPA did not reach at least 2.0 by that semester.

Long story short, I exploded. I really EXPLODED. I called her a liar, I called her a disgrace, I called her manipulative, and I can’t remember whatever else I called her as I screamed on her face for nearly 2 hours. None of her tears could soften me. I was angry and ashamed.

But then I realized, that was just it. I was ashamed. The pressure of being an Asian, this means I would have to explain to my entire family why this happened. Why she failed. She was ready to admit her failures. But I wasn’t. I was ashamed.

That’s what triggered most Asian parents to be tyrannical. We just can’t stand shame. And so we can’t stand failures because failures bring shame.

And that shame erased the other wonderful things that she had done that year. She had accomplished so much that year! She published a book. A best-selling book! She won a blog competition and had her writings published in a prestigious English newspapers in Jakarta. She was recognized everywhere as a rising and promising talent, not only as a writer but also as a photographer. She had accomplished so much. And my shame almost erased all that.

So eventually I realized what I must do. I talked to her, not screamed at her. We eventually came up with a “win-win” solution. I still wanted her to get her degree, but it didn’t have to be in Philosophy. So she finally decided to transfer to a different college, the Indonesia’s Institute of Art, studying her first love – Photography.

So, yeah… I also could get tyrannical. My Asian blood with all kinds of expectations running through my veins, coupled with memories of my own upbringing, could make me tyrannical at times. The fear of shame gets to me sometimes.

And that’s where the rule fits. My rule. Well, at least it fits me and my family. The rule that I created when they were little. I’ve always told them that they can do whatever they want, as long as they obey this ONE rule: Don’t get Mom in trouble, directly or indirectly.

What does that mean? Let me give you a couple of examples:

1.     They can watch TV as late as they want. But if they can’t wake up the next morning to go to school on time, they would get me in trouble. Because then I would have to either wake them up by force, or write a letter to their teachers, lying that they’re sick. So if they do this, I’d have the right to be angry and get them in “trouble” too. They’d be grounded.

2.     They can drink their heads off. But if they get in an accident or any drinking-related mess, they would get me in trouble too. Hospital bills, possible run with the police, etcetera, etcetera. So if they survive this disaster, I would get them in “trouble” too. They’d be punished.

There are many examples. In fact, when I finally talked calmly to Cassey about her options, she admitted that my rage over her failures was also the result of her “getting me in trouble”. She dragged me into problem and shame, which could be avoided if she would just tell me the truth about not wanting to continue to study Philosophy. I would probably still be a bit angry, but I certainly wouldn’t explode. And I would be able to transfer her into that art school a lot sooner.

In the end, I know I’m not a normal, conventional mother, by any standards. Asian or Western. My “rule” has been questioned and ridiculed by friends and families. My ways of raising my children have been criticized. But one thing that I know, that simple rule has given my children the ability to think for themselves, decide for themselves, make mistakes, and face consequences of their actions.

Since they were little, they’ve decided their own bedtimes. They’ve decided many things. As long as they don’t “get me in trouble” because of their decisions, they can do pretty much whatever they desire. I have also learned a lot by applying this rule. I’ve learned about what they like. What they don’t like. What they can handle and what they can’t. And many more valuable lessons in the 21 years of parenting. I love them to bits for that!

So… I’m neither a Western mom, nor an “Amy Chua”.

But I’m certain, my ways of parenting work. It may not work for everybody, but it surely works for my family.