Routine is the Key

a pool of darkness
is slowly pulling under
water starts to fill the lungs
that once held so much life
and at the boundary
between light and dark
there's a painful realization

give in

because kicking, flailing and fighting
simply delay the inevitable
it's not worth it

so give in
but hide the pain
carry on
routine is the key

even if it kills
that was uniquely me

The Final Tale

Vita in ligno moritur: infernus et mors lugens spoliatur. (Life dies upon the tree: hell and death, mourning, are robbed of their prey.) — from the ancient intercessions used in the Dominican Rite

Shalom, sinister shadows of the dark
The ship is the color of lavender now
A terrible sign of demise
The downfall of a soul
Alive but no longer living
Breathing but no longer anywhere
Not knowing what to do
One speculation remains…
What do you wear to your own funeral?

Death came with twilight on that murky day
Joined the lost spirits that couldn’t return,
adrift aimlessly and disoriented
For a few seconds, loud thunder reminded you of Christ
Christus factus est pro nobis obediens usque ad mortem
Christ for our sake became obedient unto death
Unwillingly forced to enter the final submission
Fate, duty, agreement, compliance…
Then… what do you do after that?



I guess the dying observe all the vows
Whether they want to or not
Embrace death and its deprivations,
day by day…
In conformity to the Father’s wish
Or was it out of our own free will?
Or was it really out of love?
For whose salvation this time?
Is it really how faith is measured?

Shalom, sinister shadows of the dark
The ship is the color of lavender now
Joining the lost spirits that can’t return
We may never be praised with Him,
before whom every knee must bend
Unsure why desire has such negative connotation,
let’s take this fate anyway… in obedience…
One speculation remains…
What do you say at your own funeral?

The last page
The final tale
It’s done.

I'm Yours

- Jason Mraz Performance at Java Jazz 2009 -

I did not quite know what to expect. At Java Jazz, the best artists you’ve been waiting for could turn out to be real demanding jerks. So I didn’t expect anything. I’ve always loved his laid-back music and clever lyrics, but still I didn’t expect anything. I did my job as with the previous performances. I helped out the crew setup the stage, checked the riders, rechecked equipment, made sure all requested instruments were on stage, all plugged in and ready for line check. Then I just waited for the band manager to give me the song list so I could give it to the stage management and the multimedia teams.

I was just sitting on the side, at the left side of the stage near the mixer monitor. His band members came on stage and started their sound check. Jason was nowhere to be seen. We still had plenty of time before the scheduled performance so I didn’t bother to check his dressing room. I figured he’d know when it was his turn to do sound check. And he did.

As he walked up the left ramp in his loose white Balinese shirt, he looked straight at me (or that’s how I felt) and gave me a little smile and a little nod. Stupidly, I looked away! Pretending to be cool, giving a sign, “I’m working, man. I’m not one of your groupies, waiting for the show to be over so you could get into my pants.” Right! And even before he started singing, I heard his song softly playing in my ears…

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
And now I'm trying to get back

Shit! He looks like someone. He looks like… someone. He's like a younger version of... someone. How could that be? I pulled out my BlackBerry and started browsing for a face. A face on Facebook that I checked out often. Oh my God! If this is a joke, then it’s so not funny. I stared at that face on the tiny BB screen. Put a hat on that head and he could easily be mistaken for… Jason Mraz! Shit! Shit! A thousand times shit! Do I have to be reminded of him all the time? Shit!

I forced myself to concentrate on my job. Jason must finish this sound check in less than 30 minutes. The queue outside Plenary Hall was already so long and people with paid tickets had started to become impatient. We must open the doors and let them in. And he still needed to get back to his dressing room to finalize his repertoire, then he must give me a song list. Soon!

Before the cool done run out, I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

It was so damn hard to concentrate. So I put my BB back in my pocket and told myself, “He’s Jason Mraz. He may look like him but he’s not him. He’s Jason Mraz. Do your job, then let’s sing, let’s dance and let’s steal things.” Steal things! *Sigh* I’ve been trying to do just that. Stealing him away. “Snap out of it, Rin!”

Eventually, I snapped out of it and started to get busy again. I checked the MC’s cue cards, found the MC’s phone number on my notes, then I called the MC and asked him to standby backstage. The show would start on time at 6 PM. Meanwhile, Jason was still singing. I just ignored him.

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

The sound check was completed. I just finished briefing the MC. The first show of the day was crucial as the MC must first present the Indonesian Idol Divo who would lead the audience to sing the National Anthem. God knows why. The committee suddenly decided that this year the National Anthem would be played at the start of the first show. Whatever. And as I was standing by the door at the bottom of the ramp, I decided to reread my checklist. Everything was ready to go in 15 minutes. The MC, the Idol Divo and… Jason Mraz suddenly came up to me and said, “Hi!”

I was dumbstruck.

Did he just say hi?

To me?

I looked up at him and saw him smiling.

What do I say?

English, Rin… Speak English…

Just speak!

Now!

“Oh…”

OH? OH? WHAT THE HELL?

Say more!

Now!

“Hi! Everything’s OK?”

Duh!

This would be the perfect moment to bang my head on the wall ‘til it cracked open so I could see if I still had a brain in there. But he was still smiling and said, “Yeah, perfect! Are you OK?”

No, I’m not OK. I don’t know what to say to you!

“Do you need to go back to your dressing room to change? We will start the show in 15 minutes and I would appreciate it if I could have your fixed song list before then.”

Work? You’re talking about work? You’re talking about the song list?

Someone please shoot me!

“Not really. I’m gonna wear this for the show. You’ll get your song list from JD.”

JD is his tour manager.

“But I guess I’ll get back to my dressing room for a quick drink.”

And thank God this time I wasn’t so stupid anymore.

“Wait. Could I have a picture with you?”

“Sure!” And he was still smiling at me. Jesus! Didn’t he know that his smile made me want to cry?

I hurried and grabbed my BB, then gave it to the first person I found by the door.

And there you have it. A picture of Jason Mraz in his trademark hat, smiling cheerfully next to me!

“What’s your name?”

“Rini.”

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Rini.”

He shook my hand and smiled again.

“The pleasure’s all mine. I’m a big fan of yours.”

I’d like to add, “I’m yours.” But didn’t.

Then he walked back to his dressing room.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

The show was brilliant. I am more than just a fan of his now. For a brief one-and-a-half-hour show, through his look and his smiles and his laid-back music and his clever lyrics, he has reminded me of the one I treasure. The one I have loved so dearly. He may not be physically mine, but I have stolen so many things from him. I have left a permanent mark in his heart and there isn’t anything he can do to erase that. Forever.

Our time is short. Forever is short. But from the title of Jason Mraz’s album, we must continue to sing, dance and steal things. This is our fate. I’m sure. I’m yours.

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours