Life, Love and Me

A Link to (possibly) the End of the World

2011-12-21T23:32:00.001+07:00

#366DaysToDoomsDay

If everything goes exactly as the Mayans had predicted, thenin exactly a year from today – on December 21, 2012 – the world will come to anend.

So, I’m “planning” to post “something” everyday, until thatday. I call it #366DaysToDoomsDay. Why 366, and not 365? Because 2012 has an extra day, which is Feb. 29.

“Planning” – in quotes – because I’m not even sure I cankeep this promise. It’s only a plan. If I fail to write or post anything,it means the plan has changed. Please don’t hold me accountable.

“Something” – also in quotes – because when I’m lazy (liketoday) or simply uninspired, it means I can post just about anything. Links,photos, or a short sentence like “go to hell!” *grins*

Anyway, if the world as we know it is still here on December 21, 2012 – which is the 367th day from now – I'll... I'll... hmmm... not sure yet what I'll do. But I'll post something, to let you all know that hey! we're still here!

So today, because I’m lazy, I’ll just link you to this greatarticle about the countdown to Dooms Day. Enjoy! J

#SaveForests + #SaveCoralReefs

2011-12-13T23:12:00.000+07:00

Following up on my post last night, I just want to remind you all that the orangutans are not the only species that need our attention, love and support.

The Sumatran tigers, the elephants and the rhinos are among the most critically endangered species on the planet. The tigers, especially. There are only 400 left in the forests of Sumatra.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY, saving species is not about taking them home, feeding them and cuddling them (try to cuddle an adult tiger, I dare you!) It's not even about putting them through a rehabilitation program. It's about SAVING THEIR HOMES.

The forest.

That's all that they need.

And saving forests is NOT about planting a million trees. It's about - first and foremost - preserving all the forests we have left.

And preserving forests that we have left is NOT about putting barb-wired fences around them, but about MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES in our everyday lives.

What we buy, what we eat, what we drink, how we travel, where we travel, what kind of lifestyle we choose - these are the simple everyday decision that will decide whether all the remaining trees in our forests can or cannot stand proud and tall for generations to come.

So do make the right choices. I don't need to elaborate further, because we all can google. :-)

#SaveOrangutans + #SaveTigers + #SaveElephants + #SaveRhinos + #SaveTurtles + #SaveSharks + #SaveEtc = #SaveForests + #SaveCoralReefs.

#SaveOrangutan: Is It Good or Bad?

2011-12-13T00:00:00.000+07:00

Wow, this is amazing. Never in my lifetime did I even hopethat people, especially Indonesians, would actually care. Let alone starting amovement like this.

No, really. I’ve never had that much faith on this countryor its people. Well, I’m not that crazy about people in general. They annoy me.And if I busy myself in various conservation efforts, from the reefs of RajaAmpat to the mangroves of Aceh; from the once-mythical flesh-eating dragons ofKomodo to the Bornean orangutans; it’s because I love Mother Earth. Not becauseI love Indonesia. Just wanna make that perfectly clear to begin with.

So this movement – the #SaveOrangutan movement – caught meoff guard. At first I thought this would be a temporary thing… You know, somethingthat’s gone in a few days, replaced by a new issue. But this movement hasgotten bigger, stronger and (sometimes annoyingly) louder every day! In fact,it has become a trend. Meaning that if you support the orangutans, you’re cool.You’re in. You’re it.

Indonesians from all walks of life talk about it – oncampus, in the mall, in the streets and even in public transportations. Andjust the other week, my MOM and DAD talked about it – in angry tones, wishingall oil palm plantations’ owners to be given death sentences! Now, THAT’Ssomething. You see, my mom and dad are my worst critiques. They always thinkthat I’m wasting my Computer Science degree on a bunch of useless animals. Notto mention wasting their hard-earned money that they spent on my overseaseducation. And every time I bring home a strayed cat or a wounded dog, they getangry. So to see them speaking out FOR the orangutans is… definitely ajaw-dropping moment for me, to say the least.

Anyway, so is this – movement – good or bad?

Well, I’ve heard a lot of criticisms about it from those whothink that this movement is motorized by loud-mouth no-brainers. Yes, we’ve hada lot of media coverage, but no substantial change has happened. No one hasgone to jail, or even to court. No oil palm company’s license has been revoked,or at least suspended. The government is still sitting on their lazy asses notdoing much of anything, other than granting more and more forest exploitationpermits, of course. The status of the orangutans is still the same; it’sprotected. The status of their habitats is still the same; they’re mostlyunprotected.

The private sector, especially the palm oil industry, islaughing at us openly. Can’t you hear them? You think they have sufferedrevenue loss because of this movement? Think again! NGOs are still having a hardtime raising funds in this country and still heavily rely on overseas funding.Most Indonesians stop at “awwh, how cute… “ and/or “awwh, so sad…” Once we askthem to contribute by adopting an orangutan – which only costs aroundRp116,000/month or equivalent to 3 cups of coffee at Starbucks – they recoil.

So what good has this movement done for the conservation oforangutans?

Let me tell you, this movement has done wonders!

NEVER in the history of orangutan conservations has the PRValue of media coverage reached over Rp4billion in 2 months! The awareness isundoubtedly the highest ever. Sure, the awareness is still skimming the surfaceand not much than “awwh, how cute… “ and/or “awwh, so sad…” But we had NEVEReven had an “awwh, how cute… “ and/or “awwh, so sad…” moment before this. Sothis is a MAJOR progress! Let them be. Let them “awwh” and “oooh” all theywant. Let them do this for at least a year. Because if it can last that long,then it will be easy(er) to deliver more conservation messages to them, givingthem the right information and education, steering them into having strongerdesires and motivating them to take real actions. For now, let them be. Letthem scream. Just let them.

Secondly, never in the history of orangutan conservationthat the government has been so open and welcoming. They’re suddenly morewilling to discuss anything. Okay, let’s not be result-oriented at this point.The fact that they’re willing to discuss is SOMETHING! It’s obvious thatthey’ve started to panic… just a little bit… but still, they’re panicking. Andthat’s good.

Last but certainly not least, the oil palm industry hasstarted to worry too. They don’t want to admit it yet. But we know they worry.Some have started to issue statements. Some have made several bold agreementswith NGOs. Some have started to approach NGOs. They’ve started to worry. Theirincome is hardly affected by all this drama, but they’ve started to worry forsome of the more intangible loss in the future. And that’s good.

So, the #SaveOrangutan movement is both bad and good. Butmostly good. Keep it up! And thank you :-)

Neither a Western Mother, Nor an “Amy Chua”

2011-01-22T23:38:00.000+07:00

Well, well… I guess it takes a Chinese mother to get me to blog again, after almost a year.

Yeah, I suddenly feel the need to point out that as an Asian single mother of two daughters, I’ve only had ONE rule and ONE rule only: Don’t get Mom in trouble, directly or indirectly.

I will explain to you about that rule later. But first let me tell you why I needed to write this. I needed to let you know that I'm neither a Western mother, nor an "Amy Chua".

Reading Amy Chua’s article, titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” left me with my jaw dropped to the floor. As an Asian myself, I know her so-called “parenting techniques” are actually quite common among Asians. Denying children of their basic rights, which is to play, overriding the children’s preferences and molding them into exactly what the parents want, IS the specialty of most Asian parents.

Some parents even go beyond academic and artistic demands. They decide all aspects of life for their children. Where to live, where to work, who to work for, when to marry, who to marry, what religion to believe, and so on. But to write it out proudly like that? And to present it to the whole world as “superiority”? She must’ve been really brave, or really insane.

I admit, my first impulse after reading her article was to lash out on Amy Chua for making all of us Asian mothers look and sound tyrannical. I wanted to tell her, not all Asian mothers are like you, bitch! Then, thankfully, I read a second article by a Jewish mother, Ayelet Waldman, titled “In Defense of the Guilty, Ambivalent, Preoccupied Western Mom”. I was relieved.

I was relieved because I no longer had the urge to bitch on Ms. Chua. Ms. Waldman’s article reminded me that there WERE times that I too was tyrannical. I let my children have their playtimes, sleepovers, computer games, TV, and internet. I let them choose extracurricular activities. I let them do a lot of things that “normal” Asian (and religious) parents probably wouldn’t, including having boyfriends and, now that they’re 17 and 21, drinking alcohol.

So I believe I’m not as terrifying as Ms. Chua. But I TOO could get tyrannical. Need an example? It just happened last year, when I found out that after spending two precious years studying Philosophy (not to mention spending my precious hard-earned money) in one of the most prestigious universities in the country, my oldest daughter Cassey, actually failed in almost every single class! Not only that, she had faked every single exam result that she sent to me, in the hope that she’d be able to fix her grade point average before I found out. She was wrong, because the university sent a letter directly to me, threatening that my daughter would have to drop out if her GPA did not reach at least 2.0 by that semester.

Long story short, I exploded. I really EXPLODED. I called her a liar, I called her a disgrace, I called her manipulative, and I can’t remember whatever else I called her as I screamed on her face for nearly 2 hours. None of her tears could soften me. I was angry and ashamed.

But then I realized, that was just it. I was ashamed. The pressure of being an Asian, this means I would have to explain to my entire family why this happened. Why she failed. She was ready to admit her failures. But I wasn’t. I was ashamed.

That’s what triggered most Asian parents to be tyrannical. We just can’t stand shame. And so we can’t stand failures because failures bring shame.

And that shame erased the other wonderful things that she had done that year. She had accomplished so much that year! She published a book. A best-selling book! She won a blog competition and had her writings published in a prestigious English newspapers in Jakarta. She was recognized everywhere as a rising and promising talent, not only as a writer but also as a photographer. She had accomplished so much. And my shame almost erased all that.

So eventually I realized what I must do. I talked to her, not screamed at her. We eventually came up with a “win-win” solution. I still wanted her to get her degree, but it didn’t have to be in Philosophy. So she finally decided to transfer to a different college, the Indonesia’s Institute of Art, studying her first love – Photography.

So, yeah… I also could get tyrannical. My Asian blood with all kinds of expectations running through my veins, coupled with memories of my own upbringing, could make me tyrannical at times. The fear of shame gets to me sometimes.

And that’s where the rule fits. My rule. Well, at least it fits me and my family. The rule that I created when they were little. I’ve always told them that they can do whatever they want, as long as they obey this ONE rule: Don’t get Mom in trouble, directly or indirectly.

What does that mean? Let me give you a couple of examples:

1. They can watch TV as late as they want. But if they can’t wake up the next morning to go to school on time, they would get me in trouble. Because then I would have to either wake them up by force, or write a letter to their teachers, lying that they’re sick. So if they do this, I’d have the right to be angry and get them in “trouble” too. They’d be grounded.

2. They can drink their heads off. But if they get in an accident or any drinking-related mess, they would get me in trouble too. Hospital bills, possible run with the police, etcetera, etcetera. So if they survive this disaster, I would get them in “trouble” too. They’d be punished.

There are many examples. In fact, when I finally talked calmly to Cassey about her options, she admitted that my rage over her failures was also the result of her “getting me in trouble”. She dragged me into problem and shame, which could be avoided if she would just tell me the truth about not wanting to continue to study Philosophy. I would probably still be a bit angry, but I certainly wouldn’t explode. And I would be able to transfer her into that art school a lot sooner.

In the end, I know I’m not a normal, conventional mother, by any standards. Asian or Western. My “rule” has been questioned and ridiculed by friends and families. My ways of raising my children have been criticized. But one thing that I know, that simple rule has given my children the ability to think for themselves, decide for themselves, make mistakes, and face consequences of their actions.

Since they were little, they’ve decided their own bedtimes. They’ve decided many things. As long as they don’t “get me in trouble” because of their decisions, they can do pretty much whatever they desire. I have also learned a lot by applying this rule. I’ve learned about what they like. What they don’t like. What they can handle and what they can’t. And many more valuable lessons in the 21 years of parenting. I love them to bits for that!

So… I’m neither a Western mom, nor an “Amy Chua”.

But I’m certain, my ways of parenting work. It may not work for everybody, but it surely works for my family.

The End-of-Year Journey to West Bali

2010-05-13T13:48:00.004+07:00

Dec. 30, 2009 – Jan. 2, 2010. My new year’s eve’s journey. The journey to close the year 2009. I’ve been talking about it, tweeting about it, yet I haven’t written it here. The photos have been selected and edited, and even posted onto picasaweb. But not here. This space, this blog, is too personal. Because writing it and posting it here would force me to admit the intense blackness of a cursed year, to expose my bleeding heart, and to own up to the decay of faith and hopes and dreams. So I’ve been procrastinating, postponing a story that should’ve been written and posted since the end of last year. The end-of-year journey to West Bali.

So here it is. By the end of last year, my arms reached out frantically in despair, seeking for strength or something substantial to enwrap me in compassion. By the end of 2009, I wasn’t looking for heavy-duty partying scene as I used to. I was looking for silence and solitude, or maybe familiar sounds to comfort and console. The familiar sounds of silence of the underwater world.

Therefore, I skipped the trendy “golden triangle” Kuta-Legian-Seminyak. I ignored the cool and breezy air of Ubud-Kintamani-Bedugul. I even paid no attention to the underwater kingdoms of East Bali, Amed-Tulamben, because they would certainly be packed with touristy divers at that time of the year. Instead, I headed west, to the sleepy town of Pemuteran and the tiny Menjangan Island. Silence and solitude.

Arriving in Pemuteran early in the morning of Dec. 31, the last day of 2009, Neptune the Sea God seemed to be welcoming me with stunning deep-blue skies and incredible windless sea. And as I rode my boat on the short 20-minute journey to Menjangan, for just that moment, my soul stopped drifting aimlessly in hopelessness. For just that moment, my soul came back. For just that moment, it stopped searching for meaning and truth, accepting the fact that it would find no direction. Only Mother Nature could do this, giving me warmth in times of want. Only Mother Nature could envelop me in sincere affection, as if apologizing for failing to grant my desires. I smiled, and prepared for the first dive.

The Coral Wall

Three other divers – Charlie, Carrie, and Shiho – were going to join me on the first dive of the final day of the year. We reached the jetty of Menjangan at 9.30AM. Flocks of local people arrived almost at the same time as we did. They were going to perform some kind of Hindu ceremony in the temple on the otherwise- uninhabited island. As it turned out, that day was also the day of a full moon. The ritual was the full-moon ritual.

Deep inside, this coincidence pinched me a bit. It was like a huge sign over my head. The message from the universe could be unbearably cruel sometimes. But fortunately, I had no time to pout. The dive master from Yos Dive led us to the sea. We were going to start the dive from the beach, walking slowly from the shore, then snorkeling in shallow water, gradually heading towards the deep sea, where we would eventually plunge into a steep vertical drop off. This was the renowned multi-layered coral wall of Menjangan.

The underwater scenery was simply fantastic. I knew the area was famous for its giant gorgonians, yet nothing could’ve prepared me for this extraordinary vista. The abundance of colorful gorgonians, the staggering variety of fish and corals in crystal clear water, flawlessly intermixed with dazzling rays of the sun that came out to maximize the brilliance of the colors. For that moment, just for that moment, I was healed. It was too rude not to be happy.

Pos II

The second dive started with a back-roll from the boat. The site was Pos II, where we dropped over a vast underwater garden, dominated by vibrant soft corals. If there was such a thing as “The Garden of Tao”, this would’ve been it. Here, amongst sunburst anthias (Serranocirrhitus latus) and lyretail anthias (Pseudanthias squamipinnis), amid enigmatic butterflyfish (Johnrandallia nigrirostris), and an assortment of many other species of fish, I pacified my emotions. The sound of my heartbeat in serene quietness of the sea was the only witness to my existence. My exposed heart trembled. And my soul, in its most primitive form of self, revealed a beauty nurtured within.

Funny. Sensing a touch of animation, I felt like starring in the film “Finding Nemo”. Surrounded by Nemo (clownfish), Dory (blue regal tang), Gill (Moorish idol), Peach (starfish), Bubbles (yellow tang), Bloat (pufferfish), Crush (sea turtle) and many other sea friends, I was spirited. The best feeling I had all year.

By the end of the dive, the coral reefs had succeeded to bury my pity within the fertile soil of Menjangan. The euphoric effects wouldn’t last. I knew that. But at least for that moment, just for that moment at the end of 2009, they restored my broken heart, shielded my fragile soul, and wilted upon my scars, allowing my own garden of hopes to grow again. As a skeleton, in slumber, I awaited the cycle of rebirth, the moment in space and time where winter was unwelcome and decay was impossible. For that moment, just for that moment at the end of the year, I breathed the harmonies of nature. And my spirit, lulled of the year-long tortures, was truly free.

Happy (belated) new year 2010! No, I'm not okay. But I'm still here. It would take a whole lot more to get rid of me.

And That’s All I Ask

2010-05-10T11:11:00.001+07:00

One thought

One sentence

One phone call

That’s all it takes

A reminder that you still think of me

And that’s enough

Somehow

Strangely

That’s enough

And I’m happy

And that’s all I ask

You need not need to do anything else

Because you already own me

Everything in me and about me

Belongs to you…

Thank you

I had a great birthday

Somehow

Strangely

It was great

And it was enough

Because of you…

How Tarot Cards Work

2010-04-18T21:33:00.001+07:00

From: http://science.howstuffworks.com/tarot-card5.htm

Tarot-card Philosophy

How can randomly drawn cards have any relevance to someone's life and what's happening in it? What most readers say, the Tarot can enlighten you about the choices you have. The cards don't tell you what you should do or what specifically is going to happen in your future, but rather the possibilities, depending on the path you take. Let's look at some of the theories behind how Tarot cards could possibly work.

Synchronicity
Carl Jung believed that in addition to the repeatable cause-and-effect relationships on which the scientific world is so strongly based, there is also another connecting principle that does not share that cause-and-effect relationship. He called this principle synchronicity. According to Jung, synchronicity explains the guiding forces in the universe. Things we might see as coincidence are actually signs that can help us make decisions and guide our lives -- if we recognize them.

Jung believed that quantum mechanics could be a possible explanation for the phenomenon of synchronicity. (Quantum mechanics explains the relationships of particles and their random interconnectivity, with behaviors being probabilities rather than certainties.) There are those who believe that because the forces of quantum mechanics affect the reality of physical objects, Tarot cards might play the role of showing us paths and patterns and helping us understand the meaning in those guiding energies. Although, according to the principles of quantum mechanics, once you see the possible outcomes in the Tarot reading, you've changed the probabilities. While Jung did not study Tarot, he was interested in I Ching (another divination tool) and suggested that synchronicity could be an explanation for how I Ching might work for divination.

Projecting
Some say, it all boils down to your subconscious mind. Arguably, how we perceive things relies heavily on our subconscious, and there are those who believe that with Tarot, the subconscious projects its own interpretations on the Tarot cards. As a person receiving a Tarot reading, your interpretation of the cards is a result of the factors in your life that shape who you are and what you are about. The questions you have about your life (usually the reason for consulting the Tarot in the first place) are projected onto the pictures, so you define answers from what you see. In this way, the Tarot is useful in helping us tap into our subconscious to find answers that we might never consciously think of. The Rorschach inkblot test uses a similar principle to look into the subconscious. Whether you believe that Tarot cards hold any power or ability to shed light on your life, your problems or your future might depend on how easily you can open your mind to the idea of it. Many Tarot-card readers have differing ideas about how or why the Tarot works. In fact, some say we only need the Tarot to help us until we learn to get in touch with our "inner guide" on our own.

Tarot-Card History: Are They Really That Ancient?

According to Tarot historian Tom Tadfor Little, traditional playing cards were first seen in Europe in 1375, having been brought over from the Islamic societies where they had been used for centuries before that. These cards were not, however, Tarot cards. At this point, he says, there is no evidence to show that Tarot cards had yet been created, which goes against many claims that ordinary playing cards evolved from the original Tarot deck.

It wasn't until 1440 that the cards that were most likely the origin of Tarot cards were first mentioned. In a letter from the Duke of Milan, there was a request for several decks of "triumph" cards to be used at a special event. The letter differentiated triumph cards from regular "playing" cards.

It does appear, however, that the first Tarot decks were created as a game. There were four suits with cards numbered one through ten and also court cards that included a queen, king, knight and page. The deck also included 22 symbolic picture cards that did not belong to any suit. The decks were used to play a game called triumph that was similar to bridge. In triumph, 21 of the 22 special picture cards were permanent trump cards. The game spread quickly to all parts of Europe. People began referring to it as tarocchi, which is an Italian version of the French word tarot, around 1530.

In 1781, in France and England, followers of the occult discovered Tarot cards. They saw the symbolic pictures of the cards as having more meaning than the simple trump cards they were used for at the time. They used the cards as a divination tool, and occult writers wrote about "the Tarot." After this, the Tarot became a part of occult philosophy.

There are also those who believe that Tarot cards originated in Egypt. In some circles, they are thought to be the sole surviving "book" from the great fire that burned the libraries of ancient Egypt. In this theory, the cards are considered to be the hieroglyphical keys to life.

For more information on Tarot cards, Tarot-card reading and related topics, check out these links.

Sources

· Aeclectic Tarot: Tarot Deck Categories, http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/categories.shtml

· American Tarot Association, http://www.ata-tarot.com/

· Crystalinks: Tarot, http://www.crystalinks.com/tarot.html

· The Hermitage: A Tarot History Site, http://www.tarothermit.com/

· Learning the Tarot, http://www.learntarot.com/course.htm

· RealMagick, http://realmagick.com/main/home.html

· Salem Tarot, http://www.salemtarot.com/contents.html

· The Skeptic's Dictionary: Tarot Cards, http://skepdic.com/tarot.html

· Synchronicity Times: What is Synchronicity?, http://www.ropi.net/st/what_is_synchronicity.htm

· Tarot Certification Board of America, http://www.tarotcertification.org/

· TarotMoon: Quantum Physics, Synchronicity and the Tarot, http://www.tarotmoon.com/articles/Quantum/quantum.html

Balada Kelapa Sawit

2010-04-12T17:11:00.003+07:00

written by Rini Sucahyo[1] & Jamartin Sihite[2] - December 2008

Heran. Frustasi. Lalu prihatin. Sebuah artikel di rubrik “Opini & Editorial” pada Suara Pembaruan hari Kamis, 4 Desember 2008 yang bertajuk “Green Peace, Arogansi Kolonial”, telah memicu ketiga emosi tersebut dari kolom hati yang terdalam.

Diawali rasa heran karena ternyata masih saja ada yang berpikiran seperti ini. Keheranan itu berubah cepat menjadi frustasi kala menyadari bahwa pola pikir tersebutlah yang menyebabkan jutaan hektar hutan tropis kita, paru-paru planet ini, hilang tanpa bekas berikut keanekaragaman hayati yang terkandung di dalamnya. Dan masih jutaan hektar lagi yang ada dalam perencanaan untuk digantikan dengan berbagai bentuk lain atas nama pembangunan dan kesejahteraan rakyat. Keprihatinan terbit belakangan.

Tulisan ini hadir dari keprihatinan tersebut, dalam upaya untuk mengetuk nurani dan sekaligus membangkitkan potensi intelektualitas segenap putra bangsa agar tak lagi mudah percaya pada dogma yang tidak masuk akal, sehingga opini yang tercipta pun harus masuk akal. Semoga nurani dan intelektualitas masih ada.

Sawit dan Rakyat

Mari kita bicara dulu dari dampak sosial perkebunan kelapa sawit yang diklaim telah menyejahterakan lebih dari dua juta keluarga serta lebih dari dua juta keluarga lainnya melalui industri-industri penunjang usaha perkebunan kelapa sawit.

Mari kita tidak terlalu cepat melupakan bahwa dalam proses penggundulan hutan untuk membuka lahan perkebunan kelapa sawit, terutama perkebunan-perkebunan berskala besar, begitu banyak masyarakat yang telah kehilangan harta maupun nyawa karena konflik kepemilikan tanah maupun konflik-konflik lain yang berkaitan dengan perburuhan di perkebunan itu sendiri. Ekspansi perkebunan kelapa sawit juga telah menghancurkan sahaja kehidupan penduduk asli, berikut segenap kearifan lokal, tradisi dan adat istiadat yang pernah ada yang, suatu ketika dulu, sangat menghormati unsur-unsur alam.

Skema-skema sosial yang dibangun oleh perkebunan ini memang di kulitnya tampak cukup bertanggung-jawab dan sangat menggiurkan, bahkan mengharukan. Namun kenyataannya, kebanyakan skema ini tidak menguntungkan masyarakat sama sekali, melainkan melahirkan konflik-konflik baru. Masyarakat, yang sebagian besar mau tidak mau harus bekerja sebagai buruh perkebunan, memperoleh penghasilan kecil serta terus menerus berhadapan dengan berbagai bahaya dan resiko kesehatan. Lemahnya perlindungan hukum tambah memperburuk situasi.

Kisah ketegangan antara sebuah perusahaan kelapa sawit asal Inggris dengan masyarakat adat di daerah Manis Mata, Kalimantan Barat pada pertengahan 2002, hanyalah satu dari banyak sekali konflik serupa di Indonesia. Setelah berulang kali menyatakan penolakan terhadap kelapa sawit, penduduk Desa Terusan tak berdaya saat buldozer kontraktor menghancurkan hutan dan ladang mereka. Namun ketika buldozer menyentuh daerah sakral, yaitu pekuburan adat, masyarakat pun naik pitam. Mereka berhasil menyita buldozer dan menuntut agar denda adat dibayar. Baru setelah perusahaan Inggris ini diambil alih oleh perusahaan lain yang menjanjikan pendekatan baru, pertempuran sengit bisa dihindari. Namun sayangnya, janji inipun tinggal janji. Hanya sedikit yang dipenuhi. Selebihnya, seperti biasa, berakhir dengan jalan buntu.

Pembukaan lahan dengan cara membakar hutan juga menghasilkan konsekuensi sosial tersendiri, di antaranya adalah polusi dan gangguan kesehatan. Belum lagi efek yang ditimbulkan akibat penggunaan pestisida. Kesehatan perempuan, terutama sistem reproduksinya, adalah hal yang paling dirugikan akibat pencemaran lingkungan dengan pestisida ini. Racun pestisida yang menyebar melalui udara, tanah dan air ini merupakan pencetus timbulnya kanker, penurunan tingkat kesuburan perempuan dan gangguan sistem kekebalan tubuh. Di Sumatera Utara, kasus keracunan pestisida ini terbukti menyebabkan keguguran. Kalaupun kehamilan dapat dipertahankan, racun juga beresiko bagi embrio bayi dalam kandungan.

Intinya, kita tidak mungkin menutup mata, apalagi menyangkal, bahwa industri kelapa sawit di Indonesia adalah satu sektor ekonomi kita yang paling banyak dan paling sering didera konflik. Jadi, mari meninjau secara kritis. Apa benar sawit menjadi agen distribusi kesejahteraan? Sawit menyerap tenaga kerja, tidak dibantah. Tapi mari lihat kembali siapa saja yang memegang usaha sawit. Bukankah sawit banyak dipegang pengusaha dan banyak di antaranya adalah PMA? Apa peran rakyat selain jadi tenaga kerja? PIR? Ada berapa luasan PIR? Sekali lagi, ini generalisasi yang kebablasan. Janganlah menggunakan jargon lama atas nama rakyat dan kesejahteraan.

Sawit dan Lingkungan

Mari kini kita beralih pada dampak lingkungan yang menurut artikel “Green Peace, Arogansi Kolonial” itu merupakan rekayasa dari LSM-LSM asing yang ingin kembali menjajah kita. Betapa naifnya jika kita percaya pada klaim ini. Lebih naïf lagi jika kita percaya bahwa kita sudah merdeka. Kemerdekaan dari Belanda dan Jepang ternyata menjerumuskan kita ke dalam penjajahan lain yang disebabkan oleh sempitnya pola pikir dan keserakahan kita sendiri. Kita belum merdeka jika kita belum menyadari fakta di balik setiap pilihan kita. Industri kelapa sawit ini adalah salah satu contohnya. Sebuah fakta yang menjerumuskan.

Sangat menyentuh ketika dikatakan sawit menyerap karbon. Tidak bisa dibantah karena sawit adalah tanaman. Yang jadi pertanyaan adalah apakah pembukaan hutan gambut dan hutan alam menjadi kelapa sawit bisa diartikan bahwa peran sawit lebih baik dari hutan sebelumnya dalam perubahan iklim? Ketika hutan gambut dibuka, ada berapa banyak karbon yang lepas ke atmosfir? Tak hanya karbon, ada berapa banyak gas metan yang lepas ke atmosfir?

Sebagai informasi saja, gas metan adalah salah satu gas rumah kaca yang mampu bertahan di atmosfir lebih lama dibanding karbon dan setiap metrik ton metan setara dengan 23 metrik ton CO2. Gas metan adalah gas yang juga dihasilkan oleh perkebunan seperti ini, melalui penggunaan pupuk, pestisida dan berbagai proses penyuburan lainnya. Hasilnya, meskipun kelapa sawit memiliki kemampuan menyerap karbon, laju penyerapannya tidak seberapa dibandingkan laju emisi gas rumah kaca lain yang dilepaskan oleh perkebunan ini. Maka, ketika Indonesia mengkonversi lahan gambut dan hutan alam menjadi perkebunan kelapa sawit, sekali lagi, ada berapa banyak metan yang dilepas dari pembukaan gambut? Hal inipun menjadi salah satu penyebab Indonesia dinobatkan sebagai salah satu penyumbang terbesar gas rumah kaca di dunia.

Sawit dan LSM

Dan terakhir, mari kita tinjau tuduhan bahwa Lembaga Swadaya Masyarakat (LSM), terutama yang berasal dari negara lain, adalah agen neo-kolonialisme. Bagaimana dengan industri kelapa sawit sendiri? Faktanya adalah begitu marak perkebunan kelapa sawit bermodal asing yang menggunakan lahan negeri ini dan tenaga kerja murah di negeri ini. Bahkan perusahaan-perusahaan asing seperti berlomba-lomba membuka usaha sawit di bumi pertiwi. Atas nama pembangunan, sumberdaya alam dilihat sebatas keuntungan ekonomi tanpa mempertimbangkan aspek ekologis, sosial, dan budaya yang juga melekat di dalamnya. Perusahaan swasta menjelma menjadi mesin-mesin pertumbuhan ekonomi. Hutan berubah fungsi menjadi alat produksi dan reproduksi yang dikuasai oleh dan untuk kepentingan segelintir kelompok saja, termasuk para pengusaha sawit di dalamnya.

Nah, mau dikategorikan apa perusahaan-perusahaan ini? Secara akal sehat, bukankah ini yang namanya neo-kolonialisme?

Reproduksi struktur sosial, ekonomi, dan politik yang terjadi di negara berkembang terbentuk mengikuti kepentingan negara-negara maju. Hubungan ekonomi satu negara dengan negara lain, atau dengan sistem perdagangan dunia, kemudian menciptakan hubungan ketergantungan ketika beberapa negara kuat memperluas kepentingan ekonominya. Sementara negara yang lebih lemah berada pada posisi tergantung, hanya dapat mereplikasi apa yang terjadi dan dilakukan oleh negara-negara sentral tersebut (Dos Santos, 1970).

Kondisi inilah yang terjadi pada industri sawit di Indonesia. Tak berdaya. Bergantung sepenuhnya pada sistem perdagangan dunia, pada “diktator” baru bernama pasar. Sudahlah hutan rusak, spesies langka semakin punah, konflik sosial tak terelakkan, merugi pula.

Sepanjang yang kami ketahui, LSM lingkungan hidup memang menentang perusahaan-perusahaan sawit mengambil alih dan mengkonversi hutan alam karena dampak sosial dan dampak lingkungan yang telah dicontohkan di atas. Lebih dari itu, LSM lingkungan hidup berupaya mempertahankan hutan-hutan alam yang masih tersisa, demi menyelamatkan masa depan Indonesia dan juga dunia. Orangutan dan beragam satwa dilindungi lainnya, tidak diberikan status perlindungan karena mereka lucu dan menggemaskan, melainkan karena eksistensi mereka dibutuhkan untuk memastikan hutan yang sehat dan lestari. Tanpa mereka, tidak akan ada hutan. Dan tanpa hutan, punah pula kita. Sebuah keterikatan yang sederhana.

Perubahan iklim bukanlah dongeng. Bukan pula intimidasi dan rekayasa. Perubahan iklim sedang terjadi saat ini juga dan kita bahkan telah merasakan dampaknya. Udara yang tambah panas, penyakit yang kian aneh dan beragam, serta berbagai bencana alam. Kita tengah menuai panen dari kerusakan alam yang kita lakukan. Ini adalah era konsekuensi. Tidak sadar jugakah kita? Ingatlah, Ibu Bumi tidak akan pernah kalah. Dia akan terus bertahan hidup, dengan atau tanpa spesies yang satu ini: manusia. Tinggal kita yang bertanya, apakah kita mau terus bertahan hidup dan mewariskan bumi ini pada anak cucu kita dalam kondisi yang bisa dan nyaman untuk dihuni? Investasi terpenting kita bagi masa depan sesungguhnya adalah alam ini beserta segala isinya.

Dan betul sekali bahwa negara-negara barat sudah kehilangan hutan alamnya demi pembangunan dan industrialisasi. Nah, jika kita sadar dan tahu kebodohan orang asing yang sudah menebang hutannya atas nama pembangunan, mengapa kita mau diajak oleh para pengusaha sawit untuk juga ikut bodoh? Jika memang para pengusaha mau membangun perkebunan kelapa sawit di lahan rakyat, berkolaborasi dengan rakyat, atau membangun di lahan terlantar yang butuh direboisasi, tidak ada yang melarang. Tentunya dengan berpegang pada prinsip-prinsip lingkungan yang telah ditentukan. Tapi janganlah berkedok ketulusan palsu dan menyalahkan para aktivis lingkungan dengan jargon neo-kolonialisme dan nasionalisme agar bisa membuka hutan alam dan merusak lingkungan.

Akhir kata, hanya satu kalimat saja. Buruk muka, jangan cermin tetangga yang dibelah.

*****

[1] Konsultan Hubungan Masyarakat dan Komunikasi, dan Penulis Lepas, Jakarta

[2] Pemerhati Lingkungan, Jakarta

My Chosen Poem

2010-03-31T14:51:00.000+07:00

In the middle of my French lesson yesterday, a group of advanced students suddenly entered our classroom, and one of them started reading a poem. Of course, as stupid beginners, we didn’t understand a word. We grinned and smirked at one another, then politely clapped as the reading ended.

But after that, another female student went around the classroom. She was carrying a wooden basket full of beautiful and vibrant pouches. It is the month of poetry she said, to celebrate “couleur femme” or the color of women. And so she offered each of us to take a pouch. Each pouch, apparently, had a poem in it, written on a carefully rolled colored paper. A poem… that we weren’t supposed to read until we got home.

Fine. So without thinking, I chose a bright green pouch and stuck it in my bag.

And when I got home last night, I opened the pouch, unrolled the blue paper, and started reading (and consulting my dictionary for translations). The poem I chose was surprisingly… errr… should I say… “accurate”? Yes, it accurately (and amazingly) describes the confusing emotions I’ve been experiencing this year… and the tiny speck of faith that I still have left. Tiny, almost non-existent… but it’s still there.

So, here’s my chosen poem, which I had translated into both English and Bahasa Indonesia.

*****************

Autour de moi, solitudes éteintes by Marie-Claire Bancquart

O brûlantes, arrachées
à elles-mêmes
par l’ordre ancien !
Mais je pense surtout à celle
de siècle plus lointain
qui écrivit :
Bel ami ainsi est de nous
Ni vous sans moi ni moi sans vous.
Au-delà de la différence
je choisis le grand héritage indivis :
bonheur de rues et de nuages
d’une musique, d’un seul mot peut-être,
parcourant la précarité de toute cette partition
qu’un jour nous cesserons de lire, vous et moi.
Que demeure du moins, peut-être infime, le
« Bel ami ainsi est de nous »,
cette voix d’union parmi la dissonance universelle !

*****************

Around me, loneliness is weakening by Marie-Claire Bancquart

O burned, torn off from themselves by the ancient order!

But I think especially of that

who centuries ago wrote:

Beautiful friend thus is us

Neither you without me nor me without you

Beyond the difference

I choose the large undivided heritage:

happiness of streets, and clouds

a piece of music, perhaps only a word,

traversing the instability of all this partition

and one day we will cease reading, you and me.

What remains at least, perhaps negligible

« Beautiful friend thus is us »,

This solid voice among the universal dissonance!

*****************

Di sekitarku, kesendirian meredup oleh Marie-Claire Bancquart

Oh terbakar, tercabik dari diri mereka sendiri oleh rezim kuno!

Tetapi pikiranku terutama tertuju pada dia

yang berabad lampau menulis:

Sahabat karib adalah berasal dari kami

Tak ada engkau tanpa aku atau aku tanpa engkau

Di atas semua perbedaan

Aku pilih warisan besar milik bersama:

kebahagiaan di jalanan, di awan

sepotong musik, mungkin hanya sebuah kata

menelusuri kerapuhan semua partisi ini

dan pada suatu hari kita akan berhenti membaca, engkau dan aku.

Yang tertinggal, mungkin hanya sedikit

« Sahabat karib adalah berasal dari kami »,

Suara yang teguh di antara disonansi universal!

no more KITKAT for me!

2010-03-24T13:58:00.002+07:00

Have a break? from Greenpeace UK on Vimeo.

Nestlé tertangkap basah menggunakan minyak kelapa sawit dari Indonesia yang berasal dari penghancuran hutan dan lahan gambut, dalam produk seperti Kit Kat. Dengan begitu Nestlé ikut mendorong kepunahan orangutan dan mempercepat perubahan iklim.

Laporan GREENPEACE memaparkan bagaimana Nestlé membeli minyak kelapa sawit dari pemasok yang menghancurkan hutan seperti Sinar Mas. Sinar Mas, Produsen minyak kelapa sawit terbesar, yang terus membabat hutan dan lahan gambut yang kaya akan karbon dan rumah orangutan. Download laporannya di situs GREENPEACE!

Berikan pula suara Anda untuk hutan dan orangutan di sini.

Thank you so much and much love from the orangutan families!

Just Call Me Rini, Thanks!

2010-03-17T20:04:00.002+07:00

Lately, more and more of my blog readers and twitter friends turn out to be a lot younger than me. And as they realize that, more and more of them call me “Tante”, which means “Aunt” in Indonesian. And of course, more and more of them got scolded (by me… HAHA), for calling me that.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m one of those people who are ashamed of growing old. I’m not. I’m 40 years old. And in two months, I will turn 41. I’m not afraid to say it, I’m not ashamed to admit it, nor am I ever going to deny it. I cherish everything I’ve experienced in my nearly-41-years of life, good or bad. Well, ok, I cursed many times about the bad things that happened to me, but still, I’m not ashamed of my age, at all. This is NOT the reason why I don’t like to be called “Tante” or “Mbak” (sister) or anything. Unless you are related to me by blood, I’d prefer, very much, to be called… Rini. That’s my name. That’s what you should call me.

Moreover, I am fully aware that calling someone “Tante”, “Om” (uncle), “Mbak”, “Mas” (brother), “Ibu” (ma’am), “Bapak” (sir) and so on, are considered good manners out of respect for anyone older than us. At least, that’s what the Indonesian culture dictates. Every Indonesian kid had been taught this type of courtesy since they were very young. Culture is always good and must be persistently preserved. Right? Well, let’s talk about this, shall we?

An Eye-Opener

Let me share a story first. When I was 17, I went to the United States of America for the first time. It was also the first time I traveled alone. I was going to finish my last year of high school there, and then I was going to continue my college education, also in the States. The first year in the States, I stayed with a wonderful American couple, Earl and Barbra Copfer. They had 3 children, but the first 2 kids had all grown up and left the house. The youngest was the only one who still lived at home. Her name was Tracy and she was my age. I was really grateful to be placed with the Copfers, because I instantly had a friend my age. Someone to watch MTV with, go shopping with, and discuss boys with. Hahaha!

When I first arrived, I didn’t quite know what to call them. My Indonesian upbringing had taught me to call them Uncle Earl and Aunt Barbra. But I knew I would be laughed at if I did that. So I used “ma’am” and “sir” instead. “Yes, ma’am.” “No thank you, sir.” But they laughed at me anyway! Then Barbra said, “Just call us Earl and Barbra.” Tracy also said so. Of course I felt uncomfortable, and for a while I still stubbornly called them “ma’am” and “sir”. Until a few days later, Tracy introduced me to her best friend, Jane.

Jane was two years younger than us. She had this doll-like, very pretty face, with long blonde hair. She was very cute. As she came in the house, Barbra was in the kitchen preparing dinner. “Hi, Jane!” Barbra said, smiling to Jane. Jane replied, “Hi Barbra! What’s cooking?” WHAT? This was a girl, younger than me and Tracy, and yet she called Barbra… just Barbra!

For a while, I just sat quietly listening to their conversations. Barbra asked Jane about school, boyfriend, music, etcetera, etcetera. The point is, they chatted just like a normal adult talking to a normal kid, using normal manners, discussing normal stuff that anyone normal in the whole world would discuss about. But they called each other BY NAME.

That day, I came to a realization. We don’t have to show RESPECT by addressing someone with a certain title. We show respect by the way we ACT.

Such an eye-opener!

Western Culture?

From then on, not only that I felt more and more comfortable calling anyone that I met in the States by name, making lots of wonderful friends, having such good times, I also promised myself that THIS was the CULTURE that I must apply back home in Indonesia.

“But that’s WESTERN culture,” you would say in protest.

Yes. It is Western culture. But so is MTV and V-Channel that you watch religiously every day. So is the way you dress sometimes. So is the way you talk sometimes. So is driving. So is smoking. So is drinking. So is hanging out at cafés, sipping iced coffee while enjoying an afternoon with good friends. There are SO MANY things from the Western culture that WE as Indonesians embrace whole-heartedly. Can you deny it? Just count how many things that you do, own, say, and listen to, actually came from the West.

And many of the things we embrace are not necessarily good, such as drugs and casual sex. Oh come on! Let’s not be hypocrites and just admit that. Some are not necessarily bad, but they are also… not necessarily necessary. Such as consumptive habits or shopping. Is that our culture? NO. This is also a Western culture. In our culture, in the old days, shopping only happened once a week. We used to have “hari pasar” or market day. It was the only day we could go shopping and we only shopped for things that we needed. Necessity only. But look at our country. Malls are appearing everywhere, more than schools and hospitals. Is that our culture? NO. Is it bad? Not necessarily. Is it good? Not necessarily.

The Seatbelt Story

This leads me to another story. After 10 years living overseas (U.S.A. and New Zealand), I came home to Indonesia for good. It was a weekend, and I immediately got in touch with a few good friends for a get-together. My husband, Boy, was still alive then. So our friends picked us up to hang out and have a few drinks. (Western culture? Yes.)

A friend was driving, and two other was waiting in the backseat. Boy got in the back with them, while I sat in the front, next to the driver. Out of habit, I looked for the seatbelt and immediately buckled up. This was 1997, looooong before Indonesia formalized the seatbelt law. And just like that, everyone in the car, except my husband of course, suddenly stared at me with their jaws dropped to the floor, as if I was completely insane. And a few seconds later, they broke into uncontrollable laughter.

“Hello!!! You’re back in Indonesia, Rin. No need for seatbelt. We’re all brave drivers here!” they said.

Did I listen to them and unbuckle my seatbelt? OF COURSE NOT!!! I glared at them and started a long speech about the importance of seatbelts. But they laughed even more. *Sigh* Yet I kept my seatbelt on. And I still do, every time I’m in a car, without fail, and without hesitance.

Is wearing seatbelts a Western culture? Yes. Is it good? YES, DAMN IT, YES!!!!! So why don’t we readily adopt such good culture instead of bad ones or needless ones?

A Culture by Heart

So back to my original point of this long article, calling someone by name is ALSO a good culture. It is a culture that teaches us not to be pretentious. It teaches us to respect EACH OTHER, no matter how old or how young we are, by the way we act, by the tones we choose, by our gestures, by our expressions… by heart.

Remember, a culture is something that is created by humans. As part of the human race, it is therefore OUR RESPONSIBILITY to keep evaluating our culture, preserving the good ones and throwing away the bad ones, adopting other cultures that may enrich or improve our own.

And to all of you, the young people, our next generation, it is YOUR shoulders that I put my hopes on. My generation is getting old. I’m getting old. There’s no use in fighting their way of thinking anymore. Let them be. Let us be. We’ll be gone in the next couple decades anyway. Maybe sooner.

Do you remember all those years in junior high and high school when you were intimidated by your seniors? Do you remember “ospek” or this ridiculous “orientation and initiation period” as you entered college? Do you NOW experience pointless seniority in your office or school?

ALL OF THAT is a DIRECT RESULT of our so-called culture to “respect” older people. As if the young ones do need to be respected. As if they only exist to be bullied, stepped on, bashed, smashed, whacked, and thumped all over.

CHANGE IT! Let’s respect each other. Let’s start by calling each other by first names, no matter how old we are. Trust me, it is an effective method to change the “dogma” that was instilled in your brain. It is a method to change your behavior, your way of thinking, and your way of perceiving others. Very effective, and… VERY NECESSARY!

Don’t repeat our mistakes. Break the chain. Evaluate our culture and decide: which one worth keeping and which one is obsolete and has totally screwed us up.

So, my dear blog readers and twitter friends. Let’s start over. Allow me to introduce myself again.

My name is Meirini Sucahyo. I’m 40 years old. And you can just call me… Rini.

Thanks.

* Especially dedicated to:

· Dwi - a.k.a. @ruckuus

· Ajeng - a.k.a. @misskepik_

* And also dedicated to:

· Lalla - a.k.a. @LallaPratami

· Feby - a.k.a. @FebyMusbar

· Farah - a.k.a. @FarahMaulia

· Eryka - a.k.a. @erykayla

* And special thanks to Yuni a.k.a. @geeky_unee for “paving the way”

HAHAHA *kisses Yuni in the mouth then spits*

The Anniversary of Death

2010-03-14T23:37:00.000+07:00

“Nothing hurts more than meaning nothing to the person who means everything to you.” - Unknown.

It’s been a year.

Since I’ve died.

That’s right. Dead.

It’s been a year.

Since my soul has not functioned.

My body still moves, my mind still works.

My lips still smile.

But deep down, there’s only…

Emptiness.

It’s been a year…

even looking up at the blue sky hurts.

As all I see are visions of you.

Brimmed with so many confusions,

I can only speak in silence.

The pain is so real.

The hurt I feel could never be imagined.

It’s been a year.

Trying to destroy what has taken me over.

And I’ve failed, again… and again…

So I end up dead.

For a year.

You probably can’t tell.

You’re probably moving on.

Oh wait… you are moving on.

I know that for sure.

But I can’t.

I know you can’t tell.

But I can’t move on.

(yet?)

I still hope, you’d find me again.

Or at least stumble across again.

Stumble across me and my emptiness.

Before I drift too far.

And fades out. Forever.

Happy fuckin’ anniversary!

Mount Bromo & Sempu Island - A Poetic Journey

2010-01-25T00:04:00.000+07:00

nov 27 - 30, 2009. good morning, my beloved bromo. you know why i'm here. everything started here. that was a time when hope was bound to be realized and dreams were bound to come true. just a moment. just a part of life that's gone forever.

and what remains in memories, stays only in memories. as dreaming has become too much to afford. that was a time now broken, shattered, and forgotten. so here i am, in the mighty bromo-tengger-semeru, putting my fate in your hand. i surrender. lead me through this journey and let me be reborn.

lead me through this journey, from the mountain to the sea. from bromo to sempu. let my soul spiral once again through the grids of creation. entering one or more points on the grids of experiences. happy experiences, please.. as i can no longer afford sadness, loss or tragedy.

let me see beauty again and let me dance in the rain. i know my fate is in your hands and destiny is written beneath the sand. as raging southern waves crash onto the shore, please let the sounds of the rude world fade away. and help me feel the glorious sensation that i have long forgotten.

let me enjoy the comforting melody of the universe that i have lost in a stream of pain. let all the clouds of sorrow depart. so in turn, i can let the eagle fly. please awake unto me, the spirits of sempu island.

here, even when it's cloudy, everything seems alight. the flames of the sun, even as it's setting, always envelop the sky. this is just what i need. to be one with those crashing waves and rolling clouds. here i am, being one with the constant screams of my heart.

i know your signs, all too well. they still sit stubbornly in the sky and i don't know why. but for now, just promise me that star lights and dew drops are waiting for me. and let me rest my weary head on your sand tonight, lulled by moonlight upon the clear shades of sea.

so when morning comes, my heart will never thirst again. the mighty spirits of the universe, from the mountain to the sea, awake unto me. and beam on my heart with the brightest morning sunlight. make me whole again, as i return home..

unresolved

2010-01-23T22:51:00.000+07:00

*Sigh*

Alright. Here we go.

A lot of people have been asking, urging, and nagging me to update my blog. But you see, at the end of last year, I promised myself I would never again post such depressing, whining, moaning, complaining, whimpering writings anymore. In other words, I wanna start writing about happy, joyful, cheery, blissful and jovial stuff in my life. I put high hopes on 2010. The wheels MUST turn. Lady Luck MUST be on my side again. I MUST be happy.

But now… after almost a month (my last post, as you can see, was on Dec 30), I realize that I don’t have anything to write about.

There is nothing happy, joyful, cheery, blissful and jovial in my life (yet).

And so, I abandoned my blog…

“Really? But you’ve been traveling everywhere!” you’d ask.

Yes, true. Since that fateful and heart-breaking decision I made on Nov 17 last year, I’ve been on this crazy mountain-to-ocean trip to Mt. Bromo and Sempu Island. I went rafting on flooding Cicatih River, not once, but twice! I spent a week in Vietnam, from Ho Chi Minh City to Hanoi. Then I closed that sucking year of 2009 with two marvelous dives in West Bali. Yup, I’ve certainly been traveling.

But while I did love my trips and had lots of fun when I was on these trips, my heart remains empty. In fact, the only reason why I traveled so much in the past 2 months (and emptied nearly all my savings and messed up my cash flow) was because I wanted to “fill” that emptiness.

Which didn’t quite work.

Every day while I was on those trips, I woke up thinking only about one thing. And every day while I was on those trips, I went to bed thinking only about one thing. The one thing I shouldn’t be thinking about anymore…

But I couldn’t help it. I STILL can’t help it.

So then I realized, if I updated my blog, even though I’d be talking about my crazy adventures, it would sound… FAKE.

Because my heart remains empty and I don’t feel that there’s anything happy, joyful, cheery, blissful and jovial in my life (yet).

Then I’d be breaking my promise.

Which I just did.

Here I am… posting yet ANOTHER depressing, whining, moaning, complaining, whimpering article.

I guess I didn’t realize the extent of the damage here. He had broken me to pieces. Tiny little pieces. But the worst thing about all this is: I still love him. Very much. I love him with every single tiny broken piece. So now there are more pieces of my heart to love him with. Imagine that.

I’m pathetic. I know.

I tried to turn this emotion into hatred. Pure loathing disgust. After all, people say love and hate are only separated by a very thin line. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to cross that line. Maybe then things would become easy(er) to handle.

So I listed all the things I don’t like about him. Things that could and would trigger huge arguments if we were together. Such as:

1. He’s a morning person. I (normally) hate morning people. They’re annoying. They get all hunky-dory very early. And then they get tired and want to go to bed very early too. In my eyes, these people basically have NO LIFE.

2. He works. And works. And works. He doesn’t really “get” the idea of a holiday. He hates just lazying around doing nothing (something that I happen to LOVE, which is DO NOTHING).

3. He’s so anti-social. I can be anti-social too. But I definitely have more friends than he does. And I enjoy being among my very few selected friends, while he doesn’t.

4. He doesn’t eat junk food. Once, I asked him if we could call Pizza Hut Delivery for dinner, and he looked at me as if I had lost my mind. We ended up cooking. He’s definitely TOO “healthy” for me.

5. He loves mountains and forests more than he loves the sea (or anything with too much “water” in it). He nearly drowned once on a rafting trip and he’s been traumatized ever since. While I LOVE water. I love the oceans a million times better than mountains and forests.

6. He doesn’t like music of the 80s or any trend from that era. Just like him, I actually like music and trends from the 60s and 70s, but still… the 80s was MY era. I’m crazy about the 80s! I’d cut my right hand if I could go back to that era!

7. He gets too intense on everything he’s passionate about. Sometimes I just wanted to say, “Chill out, man! Geez…” And yet, after all that tiring intensity, once I challenged him to “GO FOR IT”, he’d become hesitant. Then he’d find reasons NOT to “go for it”. He’d discouraged himself by saying, “Ah, I’m too old for that.” Or “It’s not that simple.” Etcetera. He is indecisive. Obviously. Otherwise I wouldn’t have had to make that heart-breaking decision. I had to be decisive because he couldn’t. I had to “go for it” because he didn’t.

That’s all I got so far. And that list didn’t help a bit. Not even a tiny bit. I love him still. I love him DESPITE of all that. It’s absurd. It’s ridiculous. It’s incredibly nonsensical. But that’s the fact. And that’s the truth.

And every day, I still wake up thinking only about one thing. And I still go to bed thinking only about one thing. The one thing I shouldn’t be thinking about anymore… him.

So here I am… posting yet ANOTHER depressing, whining, moaning, complaining, whimpering article.

Because… this feeling… is still… unresolved.

Sorry.

closure

2009-12-30T00:34:00.000+07:00

you know, it's almost at the end of the year
the end of this horrible, horrible 2009
and i know i haven't really succeeded yet
however..
until today..
i had actually felt better..

i guess it's my fault for falling for someone so talented
i'm sure this isn't gonna be the last time i'd read your name in the news

but it just makes it THAT MUCH harder
i hope you know that
you probably don't care
but i hope you know that

i'm going to bali tomorrow
when i come back, it'll be 2010

a new year
a new beginning
the year that my wishes should be granted
must be granted

sorry for the boring post
but i'm uninspired
and i can't be bothered

hopefully i'll be able to be myself again next year

have a great new year
and.. uhm.. i miss you

still..

if you don't know how to fix it, please stop breaking it!

2009-12-02T12:32:00.007+07:00

the following transcript is a very... very old speech, given by a then 12 year-old Severn Suzuki at the 1992 Rio Earth Summit. it was 17 years ago. today, Severn is 29. and her moving and inspirational speech is most likely long forgotten.

i re-published Severn's speech again today, in the midst of worldwide preparation to the upcoming United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) 2009 in Copenhagen, Denmark this month, hoping that it will remind us what this Convention is supposed to produce.

despite their extraordinary capacities and qualifications as government representatives, so-called experts, scientists, politicians, etcetera, etcetera, it's my personal hope that all UNFCCC delegates WILL REMEMBER that they, in fact, are merely fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunties, sons and daughters. they need to remember that.

so here's the speech.

"Hello, I'm Severn Suzuki speaking for E.C.O. - The Environmental Children's Organisation.

We are a group of twelve and thirteen-year-olds from Canada trying to make a difference: Vanessa Suttie, Morgan Geisler, Michelle Quigg and me. We raised all the money ourselves to come six thousand miles to tell you adults you must change your ways. Coming here today, I have no hidden agenda. I am fighting for my future.

Losing my future is not like losing an election or a few points on the stock market. I am here to speak for all generations to come.

I am here to speak on behalf of the starving children around the world whose cries go unheard.

I am here to speak for the countless animals dying across this planet because they have nowhere left to go. We cannot afford to be not heard.

I am afraid to go out in the sun now because of the holes in the ozone. I am afraid to breathe the air because I don't know what chemicals are in it.

I used to go fishing in Vancouver with my dad until just a few years ago we found the fish full of cancers. And now we hear about animals and plants going exinct every day -- vanishing forever.

In my life, I have dreamt of seeing the great herds of wild animals, jungles and rainforests full of birds and butterfilies, but now I wonder if they will even exist for my children to see.

Did you have to worry about these little things when you were my age?

All this is happening before our eyes and yet we act as if we have all the time we want and all the solutions. I'm only a child and I don't have all the solutions, but I want you to realise, neither do you!

You don't know how to fix the holes in our ozone layer.
You don't know how to bring salmon back up a dead stream.
You don't know how to bring back an animal now extinct.
And you can't bring back forests that once grew where there is now desert.

If you don't know how to fix it, please stop breaking it!

Here, you may be delegates of your governments, business people, organisers, reporters or politicians - but really you are mothers and fathers, brothers and sister, aunts and uncles - and all of you are somebody's child.

I'm only a child yet I know we are all part of a family, five billion strong, in fact, 30 million species strong and we all share the same air, water and soil -- borders and governments will never change that.

I'm only a child yet I know we are all in this together and should act as one single world towards one single goal.

In my anger, I am not blind, and in my fear, I am not afraid to tell the world how I feel.

In my country, we make so much waste, we buy and throw away, buy and throw away, and yet northern countries will not share with the needy. Even when we have more than enough, we are afraid to lose some of our wealth, afraid to share.

In Canada, we live the privileged life, with plenty of food, water and shelter -- we have watches, bicycles, computers and television sets.

Two days ago here in Brazil, we were shocked when we spent some time with some children living on the streets. And this is what one child told us: "I wish I was rich and if I were, I would give all the street children food, clothes, medicine, shelter and love and affection."

If a child on the street who has nothing, is willing to share, why are we who have everyting still so greedy?

I can't stop thinking that these children are my age, that it makes a tremendous difference where you are born, that I could be one of those children living in the Favellas of Rio; I could be a child starving in Somalia; a victim of war in the Middle East or a beggar in India.

I'm only a child yet I know if all the money spent on war was spent on ending poverty and finding environmental answers, what a wonderful place this earth would be!

At school, even in kindergarten, you teach us to behave in the world. You teach us:

not to fight with others,
to work things out,
to respect others,
to clean up our mess,
not to hurt other creatures
to share - not be greedy.

Then why do you go out and do the things you tell us not to do?

Do not forget why you're attending these conferences, who you're doing this for -- we are your own children. You are deciding what kind of world we will grow up in. Parents should be able to comfort their children by saying "everyting's going to be alright", "we're doing the best we can" and "it's not the end of the world".

But I don't think you can say that to us anymore. Are we even on your list of priorities? My father always says "You are what you do, not what you say."

Well, what you do makes me cry at night. You grown ups say you love us. I challenge you, please make your actions reflect your words. Thank you for listening."

sunday afternoon dream

2009-11-23T20:08:00.005+07:00

22 nov 2009 15:15

i just had a dream about you…

we were outside a gate
i don’t know where it was
some kind of a public place
lots of people were there
like there was a gathering
or a demonstration of some sort
but we weren’t a part of it
we were leaning against a fence
just the two of us
away from the crowd
we were waiting for a taxi
like we were going somewhere
together…
i rested my head upon your shoulder
and you gently embraced me
and you were holding me tight
like you did when we said goodbye
and you were kissing my forehead
and i closed my eyes…
enjoying every touch…
savoring every moment…
and i brought myself closer to you…

then my phone rang…

a short sunday afternoon nap
a very short dream
a very sweet dream

which left me in even more pain
when i woke up and realized…
that it was only a dream…

i must admit
i miss you so much…

i surrender

2009-11-17T23:35:00.002+07:00

dear fate,

here i am

in your hands

i surrender.

17 Nov 2009

Friday the 13th

2009-11-14T18:15:00.022+07:00

Well, there you go. November 13, 2009. After saying that I didn’t believe that 13 was an unlucky number and Friday the 13th was going to be a blessed day of great fortunes, it rained. Very hard. With raging wind and angry thunders. Of course I always loved bad weathers, so at first I was loving it, still thinking it would a lucky day.

That night, I got home quite late and pretty tired, but out of habit, I turned on my computer anyway. AND found out that the internet didn’t work. I tried everything. Restarting the wireless network, restarting the computer, disabling the wireless connection and re-enabling it after 15 minutes, nothing worked. That’s when I noticed that the modem was dead. The green and orange lights that usually danced and twinkled, signing joyous news of internet availability, were dead. Shit! What happened?

It didn’t take long for me to spot the problem. The modem’s adaptor was wet! Oh no! I looked up and there it was. A small part of the ceiling right above the adaptor was damp. It was leaking. Clearly, the rain had found a way to trickle happily on my modem’s adaptor. Nothing I could do at nearly midnight. I had to wait until the next morning to go to an electronic shop and buy a new adaptor. I was displeased, but I wasn’t in a total bad mood (yet). So I decided to watch TV instead, all the while hoping that it was just the adaptor that needed to be replaced. Hopefully, the modem itself was not affected, because replacing that would be expensive. Oh well, I’d worry about it tomorrow, I thought. Then I turned on the TV.

Blue screen.

NOW WHAT???

My daughter offered an explanation, “When I got home from school, the decoder smelled funny, Mom. Like it was burned.”

GREAT!

I tried to switch the TV in my bedroom with the TV in the living room, hoping that it was the TV that got burned, not the decoder. Wishful wish. It still didn’t work.

NOW I’M PISSED!

No internet. And no cable TV.

My only option would be to use an indoor antenna and settle for those crappy programs on local Indonesian TV channels. I wasn’t willing to do that, of course. I’d rather be without a TV than settling for craps.

So finally I just did the next best thing. Get drown out in alcohol. Thank goodness for the 2006 Californian merlot on my shelf.

The next day, it was official. The modem’s adaptor WAS murdered by water. But the modem itself, thankfully, was fine. I managed to find a cheap replacement at Poin Square and the modem instantly worked again. The green and orange lights immediately started dancing and twinkling again, sending joyous news of internet availability.

However, the Indovision satellite dish and decoder weren’t that lucky. They were killed by thunders. In fact, I found out that my next door neighbor’s Indovision was also slain to death yesterday by those thunders. And to fix that, I would need to call Indovision Customer Service. One of the worst Customer Services in the world. You would be put on hold for at least 30 minutes, get transferred to different departments, and when you finally obtain a confirmation that their technical staff would come by to fix the problem, they couldn’t tell you exactly when.

Indovision Customer Service would only give you a date, but not the time. So in other words, on that particular date, they would expect you to simply wait around the whole day, like you had nothing better to do, until their technical staff appeared at your door. If they appeared at all. Sometimes, they would call saying that they were stuck in traffic, or some lame excuses like that, and would need to reschedule. A great service from one of Indonesia’s leading cable TV providers, Indovision. NOT!

So my oldest daughter wisely reminded me that before calling them, I needed to be in a good mood. She knew me well enough that I was capable of starting the World War III with anyone or anything when I was in a bad mood. Good advice.

Right now it’s 17.58 on November 14, 2009. I haven’t called them yet. I’m still very grouchy and irritable. But at least the internet is working, so I can post this blog and release a bit of my temper on virtual paper.

What are the conclusions? There are four:

1. Don’t fuck around with Friday the 13th. It does have its own power. It can use it to grant you great fortunes or screw you. We have no choice but to believe it.

2. Make sure all of your electronic equipment are dry, especially during the rainy season. Check for possible leakage on the ceilings, cracks on the windows, etc.

3. Never call Indovision Customer Service (or any Customer Service in this country) when you’re in a bad mood.

4. God, if He exists, has a cruel sense of humor. As if it’s not enough that He’s been screwing my life so much in the past 10 years, He too must take away the two things that can cheer me up instantly – internet and cable TV. He must be laughing His fucking ass off right about now. Are You happy now, God? Glad I can make You happy.

PS: Dear Lady Rain and the God of Thunder, I like having both of you around, but when the two of you are fighting, stay away from me. Or better yet, just break up with each other. Thank you.

11/11 at 17.17

2009-11-12T21:28:00.001+07:00

Just when I thought the chance was getting slimmer, close to impossible, and deadline was fast approaching, it happened again. Right on that mysteriously magical date, at that mysteriously magical time, presenting the mysteriously magical numbers. Suddenly, in the blackness of the tiny plane in my heart, the Universe gave twin-wing lights. Deciphering signs from the universe has never been this hard, or this heart-wrenching.

It’s like trying to miss collision with the stars. It’s like fleeing a million giant fiery darts that are being shot at me with a steady purpose from a million great bows.

Just when I set my heart and firm it up to execute the hardest intention of my life --- to give up and move on --- the universal dusk abruptly sent me a distraction. Or was it a test? Hadn’t I told you I didn’t want to be tested anymore? Which part of that wish was unclear to you? Or was it a confirmation? A sign that I had been indeed… stupid? And suicidal? And I must at once abandon my attempts to keep wishing wishful dreams? A confirmation that my intention must be executed immediately? Deciphering signs from the universe has never been this tricky, or this painful.

It’s like an intruder in the void. It’s like images of broken lights, restless inside a box, presenting limitless undying love which shines like a million suns.

Unfair. I need more than that. I need evidence. Hard, physical evidence. Not signs. Not mysteriously magical twin numbers that, when combined, also happened to represent a birth. It is incomprehensible. I need it to be humanly REAL. Please.

we need to die

2009-11-06T01:32:00.004+07:00

"in order for our lives to have meaning, we need to die." - Todd May

that short sentence in NY Times, dated September 2, 2009, caught my eyes. death is always something that i'm continuously wondering about. i don't really know whether i'm scared of death or not. well, sometimes i am, sometimes i feel like i wanna die NOW. but one thing for sure, i'm always wondering how i'll die. the "how" makes it scary. will it hurt? will it be creepy? i certainly don't want a long and painful process to die. just shoot me in the head and kill me instantly. but what is "instant"? how long is "instant"? a few seconds? and in those few seconds, will it hurt? will it be creepy?

anyway, that short sentence and the following little article that i found are just so great! the article gives me a new perspective about death. and also life. i'd like you to read it, if you don't mind. it's called "happy ending" by Todd May, a professor of philosophy at Clemson University. he has also written 10 books so far, including "The Philosophy of Foucault" and "Death". here's his article. happy reading.

*****************

In the spring of 2004 I took a flight from my home near Greenville, S.C., to New York to visit my dying step-grandmother. We had been close, and it would be one of the last times I would get to see her. As the flight was about to land, it abruptly ascended and headed toward the Empire State Building. The passengers on the plane became quiet; the aura of 9/11 was hanging in the air.
We flew over the Empire State Building (but too close to the antenna for my comfort) and circled back to La Guardia. As it turned out, a small commuter plane had decided to land without taking account of our aircraft, so the pilot had had to make a quick move. But in those moments when it seemed I was aboard another human missile, I revisited my life. I realized, almost to my surprise, that I would not have traded it in for another life. There had been disappointments, to be sure, but my life appeared to me to have been a meaningful one, a life I did not regret. This is not to say that I was not nearly paralyzed with fear. I was. At the same time, strangely, my life appeared to me as worth having lived.

There are two lessons here. The first, and most obvious one, is that death is terrifying. Here in the United States, we have the technology to defer death, so we often pretend it will never really happen to us. There is always another procedure, always a cure in sight if not in hand. But in our sober moments we recognize that we will indeed die, and that we have precious little control over when it will happen.
The harm of death goes to the heart of who we are as human beings. We are, in essence, forward-looking creatures. We create our lives prospectively. We build relationships, careers, and projects that are not solely of the moment but that have a future in our vision of them. One of the reasons Eastern philosophies have developed techniques to train us to be in the moment is that that is not our natural state. We are pulled toward the future, and see the meaning of what we do now in its light.
Death extinguishes that light. And because we know that we will die, and yet we don’t know when, the darkness that is ultimately ahead of each of us is with us at every moment. There is, we might say, a tunnel at the end of this light. And since we are creatures of the future, the darkness of death offends us in our very being. We may come to terms with it when we grow old, but unless our lives have become a burden to us coming to terms is the best we can hope for.
The second, less obvious lesson of this moment of facing death is that in order for our lives to have a shape, in order that they not become formless, we need to die. This will strike some as counterintuitive, even a little ridiculous. But in order to recognize its truth, we should reflect a bit on what immortality might mean.
Immortality lasts a long time. It is not for nothing that in his story “The Immortal” Jorge Luis Borges pictures the immortal characters as unconcerned with their lives or their surroundings. Once you’ve followed your passion — playing the saxophone, loving men or women, traveling, writing poetry — for, say, 10,000 years, it will likely begin to lose its grip. There may be more to say or to do than anyone can ever accomplish. But each of us develops particular interests, engages in particular pursuits. When we have been at them long enough, we are likely to find ourselves just filling time. In the case of immortality, an inexhaustible period of time.
And when there is always time for everything, there is no urgency for anything. It may well be that life is not long enough. But it is equally true that a life without limits would lose the beauty of its moments. It would become boring, but more deeply it would become shapeless. Just one damn thing after another.
This is the paradox death imposes upon us: it grants us the possibility of a meaningful life even as it takes it away. It gives us the promise of each moment, even as it threatens to steal that moment, or at least reminds us that some time our moments will be gone. It allows each moment to insist upon itself, because there are only a limited number of them. And none of us knows how many.
I prefer to think that the paradox of death is the source not of despair but instead of the limited hope that is allotted to us as human beings. We cannot live forever, to be sure, but neither would we want to. We ought not to mind the fact that we will die, although we really would rather that it not be today. Probably not tomorrow either. But it is precisely because we cannot control when we will die, and know only that we will, that we can look upon our lives with the seriousness they merit. Death takes away from us no more than it has conferred: lives whose significance lies in the fact they are not always with us.
Our happiness lies in being able to inhabit that fact.

Family Trip

2009-11-04T23:50:00.021+07:00

All of my crazy workload since last month is over. Being a writer is hard sometimes, especially when you have nothing to write about other than heartaches and prayers to get over the heartaches and curses when the pain remains. But after forcing myself to press on, I’ve finally managed to complete everything. I’m now just waiting for revision requests, which usually aren’t as bad as having to write something new from scratch.

So… it’s time to blog again.

I’ve wanted to tell you all about my trip to Bali for Idul Fitri holiday last September. But this is the hard part. It was a family trip. And family trips, for me, are rarely enjoyable. No, I didn’t mean trips with my two daughters. I can handle them just fine. I meant trips with my entire big family. Now, that’s a headache.

There are many reasons why I don’t really enjoy family trips, but these are the two major ones:

1. I don’t share their “definition” of fun.

They like popular touristy places, shopping and eating in fancy restaurants. While for me, I’d rather stay away from popular places. A quiet and empty isolated beach is a thousand times better than these places. And of course, I’d rather do outdoorsy or adventurous stuff instead of shopping. For food, I’d prefer cheap but authentic dishes that allow me to mingle with local people and make me feel a part of everyday lives in that location.

2. I have to become a kid again.

Don’t get me wrong. I love an opportunity to become an irresponsible kid again, once in a while. But certainly not for the whole week! Going with my parents (or any older relative for that matter) means they get to boss me around and tell me what to do. The nicest thing about this is that they also pay for everything of course. But… after the first couple of days of having my room door banged at 7AM, being told to hurry and have breakfast, getting ushered here and there, being told where to go or what to do, having to tag along and simply agreeing with their “holiday master plan”, I got sick of it. I’m 40 for Heaven’s sake. I’d have breakfast when I feel like it, alright?! And I’d go wherever I want, whenever I want, with whom ever I want. Don’t wait up, coz I might decide to shack up with a guy I just met and not come home at all. However, this isn’t possible whenever I go on one of these family trips. They make rules. I follow.

So I improvise to make things a little bit “bearable”.

BB and Amusing Ads

First and foremost, I’d like to thank BlackBerry. It was so easy to pretend that I was busy on some business matters by seriously staring and typing into my BB. While in fact, I was busy Facebook-ing and Tweeting and chatting with friends on BB Messenger. I also had Yahoo Messenger installed, so I could also chat with friends who don’t own a BB. Wonderful BB. I don’t know what I’d do without it. BlackBerry, you saved my life!

Then I would find funny things to simply gossip and laugh about. A bit cruel, I know, but hey… it helped. So, excuse me for being mean, I was also miserable, okay?! People with weird sense of fashion or bizarre hair-dos were easy targets.

Sometimes I’d also find ads on store windows or stickers on public transportations or posters on the walls that amused or entertained me. I found this ad for Fortune Magazine on a bookstore window at Jakarta International Airport while we were waiting to board our plane to Bali. The headline was so catchy, “Is Pot Already Legal?” Wow! Is it? Then a brief explanation was offered underneath the headline. “Medical marijuana is doing more than changing the way the drug is perceived. It’s giving activists a chance to show how a legitimized pot business could work.”

Obviously, it’s a foreign magazine. At this point, I wouldn’t even dream of having marijuana legalized in Indonesia. It was hard enough to explain to people that porn is merely a choice. Sane and educated people would not abuse such choice. Therefore, a solution to porn would be to educate our people so they can make sane and well-informed choices. So legalizing weed is still a long way to go in this country, if ever. Anyway, I didn’t buy the magazine, but it was surely amusing enough to find this ad. It made my day. I wasn’t so grumpy anymore when I boarded the plane that flew us to Bali.

Morning Ritual

Then, almost every morning, I would get up very early, before anyone had a chance to bang on my door or annoyingly ring me to give me wake-up calls. I went to the beach, which was always almost empty at those hours, except for a handful of busy fishermen at work. It was lovely. Just sitting there quietly, waiting for sunrise, and enjoying a cool morning breeze. When I got tired sitting around, I would walk slowly along the beach, taking pleasure in the soft wet sand and engrossing myself with interesting patterns on the sands. A holiday should be just like this. Serene and wonderful.

Before I joined my daughters and the rest of the family members for breakfast, I stopped to watch the cute little squirrels on the trees. Most hotels in Nusa Dua host them and even generously provide food for them. As a conservationist, I’m really not sure whether this is good or not. But for the purpose of making MY holiday more tolerable, I was sure glad that they were there. They ran around in the hotel’s yard, freely taking nuts from small plastic bowls that the hotel staff had nailed to some of the trees. They were so adorable!

Mola-Mola Encounter

Other than my “morning ritual” on the beach, I finally managed to have one day, JUST ONE DAY, to escape the family and go DIVING! I signed up with BIDP, a dive operator in Sanur, to join a one-day dive trip in Nusa Penida. The dive sites were Manta Point and Crystal Bay. The goal was to find the ancient oceanic sunfish, the mola-mola. It was the perfect time to find them as they rarely ever came up to shallow waters, except in August and September, when sweeping currents from the Antarctic made the normally warm tropical waters of Bali freezing cold. The day I went diving, water temperature was 23º Celsius on the surface and dropped to around 17º Celsius underwater. No, it wasn’t cold. It was BALTIC! I had three layers of wetsuits – a 1 mm skin suit and 3 mm wetsuit that I owned, PLUS another 3 mm wetsuit that I rented from the operator – and I was STILL bitterly cold!

But it was worth it. On the second dive in Crystal Bay, I finally saw a mola-mola! Oh my God, it was awesome! I was only around 12 meter deep (thank God, coz as it got deeper, it would also get colder). The prehistoric fish was very large, and had an almost circular, flattened body. It looked like a giant satellite dish with fins. This unusual fish swam by flapping its long pectoral and dorsal fins. It used its caudal fin as a rudder (for steering). The gills were covered by a flap called an operculum. The head was almost a third of the total body length. And its tiny mouth had large fused teeth in the front. Yes, the sunfish are carnivores or meat-eaters. They eat jellyfish, comb-jellies, and some crustaceans.

The sunfish could grow to be about three meter long, but some could also reach up to 4 meter. And it could weigh up to 2 tons. The divemaster said that some sunfish had even been seen floating on their sides on the surface of the sea, letting the sun heat themselves up. That’s why they are called the “sunfish”. Interesting, huh? Well, for me, whatever they’re called, a brief encounter with the sunfish, coupled with a rare “escape” from my family, was the perfect thrill of a lifetime!

But… errr… to dive in that water temperature again? No, I don’t think so. Never again will I dive when the water is less than 26º Celsius. And I promise this in the name of the Father, and the Son, and Bob Marley. Amen. (What? Bob Marley IS my holly ghost, alright?! No spirit is holier than him! Deal with it!)

Oh, by the way, for those of you who are interested to go diving with BIDP, you can contact them at the following phone numbers: (+62 361) 285065 or (+62 361) 270759.

Bali Safari & Marine Park

There was only one more highlight of the holiday. It was a trip to Bali Safari & Marine Park. Alright, I’m not THAT crazy about seeing animals in captivity. For me, the best animal encounters would have to be in the wild, in their natural habitat, just like my encounter with the mola-mola. BUT… just this one time, I must admit that Bali Safari & Marine Park is actually pretty good. It has been set up in such a way that most animals are not in cages, but they can run free in the environment that sort of imitates their real habitats. Additionally, the park also runs various conservation awareness programs in a very innovative, creative and entertaining way. It is a great place for little kids to get the “first taste” of nature and learn about it in a safe and controlled environment, before one day (hopefully) are inspired to go on their own adventures in the wild.

Anyway, the animals in Bali Safari & Marine Park looked well taken care of. There was plenty of love and the enthusiasm of the staff was obvious. It was a good feeling. The only criticism from me would be the staff’s ability to speak English properly. That was the only thing that needed improvement. The rest were just brilliant!

That day, we had a lot of fun observing the delightful elephants, the sweet orangutans, the endearing tigers, the quick cheetahs, the pretty birds, the cunning reptiles, everything! Oh, and they even had komodo dragons in there! That was quite a treat for me and both of my daughters. We miss Komodo National Park. Seeing the dragons was kind of therapeutic in a weird way.

So the holiday wasn’t all bad. Mostly bad, but wasn’t all bad. I did find a lot of things to make this particular family trip acceptable enough. Not that I want to go on another one any time soon. But the last trip was pretty much okay.

One last note before I go to sleep, I came across a huge sign on a tourist bus while we had lunch in Bedugul. When I saw it, I simply cracked up laughing, because to me, the sign was saying that for Rp60,000 you’d get free meal and drink, a free child (less than 80 cm tall), and a free elderly person (older than 60 years old). HAHAHAHAHA! Read the sign and tell me what you think!

I Try to Say Goodbye

2009-11-01T19:53:00.003+07:00

Macy Gray’s song in the background, playing softly. The eve of yet another full moon. The first day of November. I’m powerless against the constant screams of my heart.

“Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But we’re not
I play it off but I'm dreamin’ of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin’.”

Who is there? Who is out there? God? Are You really there? Hello? Mother Nature? Anyone? The Greater Force that was supposed to watch over us and grant wishes, is that for real? Or is it simply what human created to feel safe and secure? Did we create the notion of God or whatever? So that we feel like we are going “somewhere” after we die? Or is it really that I’m alone? No mighty force watching, listening. Let alone making my wishes come true.

“I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

Because whoever’s out there, if He/She really exists, must be deaf or really, really cruel. Hello? Are You there? Whoever You are, if you exist, guess what, I can’t. I just can’t do this. I can’t free myself from this feeling. Why won’t You help me? If You’re not going to give what my heart desires, then alter me! Free me from this feeling, or open another door, or give me a better option, or turn my heart to stone, or just kill me. Whatever. Just do something!

“I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front

I play it off but I'm dreamin’ of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin’.”

Today, I promised it would end. And it didn’t. It is too hard to say, Deeply wounded, the pieces are way too small to pick up and put together. I’m on the edge of self-destruction, full of hatred and despair. It is so hard to let go. It’s so hard to say goodbye. The pain remains. The questions remain. The heartache remains. Why? Make this thing disappear!

“I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

So who is out there? Who is listening? God? Really? Where is He in the past two years? This is absurd. I can’t believe I’ve fallen this far, this deep. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this before. Ever. I would do anything. Anything. To have this one wish granted. Because I was born a fool. I by no means wanted this feeling. I didn't want to love. I didn't want to know this pain. This desire that so quickly becomes an ache you can’t quench but with gallons of liquor. But this is by far, the most foolish I’ve ever been. Where are You, God? Or whoever You are? Stop tormenting me!

“Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin.”

Give me a reason. Give me one reason to end this. Make me hate him. That would be easier. Otherwise, this pain will linger. Make me hate him, because we can’t be friends. I can't go on looking at him or talking to him, knowing that I can't touch him and I can’t kiss him. Knowing that someone else does it with ease, with acceptance. I can't be around him knowing that one foot is an uncomfortable distance. I can't stay here and wait to see if his mind changes. Free me from this fate! I beg You…

“I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.”

premonition in the rain

2009-10-25T02:56:00.004+07:00

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: at 22.33 friday, 23 october 2009, before i went to bed, i tweeted, “may tomorrow rain very hard. may a golden thunder accompany the rain n strike the very spot that turns my luck around. g'nite, sleep tight..” then, i woke up the next day with dark ferocious clouds and the sounds of thunders back in the distance, but no rain. in fact, shortly after lunch, the sun started to show its face. oh well, i thought. it was lazy saturday, so i decided to take a nap instead.

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i thought i woke up that afternoon with a sudden urge to cry. didn’t exactly know why, i just felt so sad, like someone had died, and had to cry. but my daughter, sky, was in the room, busy picking out clothes out of the closet, walking around, looking at things. so i fully covered myself with my blanket and buried my face in the pillow, then started to cry. it was one of the most painful, heart-felt cries ever. yet i had to do it as quietly as possible, fearing that sky would hear it. i remembered i deliberately tossed and turned on my bed a bit, in the effort to disguise any trace of crying. but then… i REALLY woke up. my eyes were dry. my pillow was dry. no sign that i had been crying.

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i woke up in the midst of an intense thunderstorm. through my bedroom window, i could see the wind blew wildly, everything outside was wet, and i also hear the unmistakably soothing sound of the pouring rain. and i just had a dream. so it was only a dream. but it felt so real. it felt like a vision, a message. but what message? and as it turned out, my daughter, sky, also had a vision-like dream. at the same time! she swore she was going to be abducted by aliens. she swore it was real and that she wasn’t dreaming it. i knew, something had happened in the period of the rain. and whatever it was, sent a message to us. but what message?

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: i’m no psychic. and i’m no witch, even though sometimes i wish i was. but i asked for this heavy rain the night before. i requested the thunders. and i got that. did i also get the last part of my wish? that the thunder would strike the very spot that turns my luck around? i don’t know. only time will tell, i guess. you see, luck has definitely left me. for the past 10 years or so, my world has been turned upside down. almost nothing has ever been right again. almost nothing has ever gone my way again. but if luck is on my side again, if the table has indeed turned, then why did i cry in my dream? i was sure the universe sent me a message, but what message?

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. what i know is this: dreams can be baffling and mysterious. that’s why throughout history, they have been associated with sacred revelation and prophecy. sigmund freud even said, “dreams are the royal road to the unconscious.” so i believe that when a dream feels so real, then it is ALWAYS “true”. it’s just that what they mean isn’t always what we think they mean. according to a clinical psychology text that i read, dreams often mean the opposite of what they seem to mean. dreams could be unconscious advice. they could be an admonition, based in guilt. they could be hints of a repressed trauma. and, of course, they could be psychic premonitions. so did i just have a premonition? i got my rain, i got my thunders, and I got a dream. was it a premonition? i have no idea. not the slightest clue.

a sacred revelation? a premonition? i truly don’t know. i’m simply thinking out loud here, trying to appreciate where i am, trying to see a glimpse of hope again. while a soft white haze emanating from the soaked earth, i sat on the terrace for the rest of the afternoon, attempting to decipher this particular sign from the universe. it is now nearly 3 o’clock in the morning, the following day. i still don’t know what it means. but i must keep my conviction. i must. for that’s the only “power” i possess now to control my destiny. i must believe that it was a good sign. the table has turned. my wishes no longer fall on deaf ears of the universe. i must believe.

chirping birds, soft grayish blue clouds, wet soil, drops of water still on the leaves, cool breeze. heaven's waiting… the perfect rain. the perfect thunder. the perfect mid-day vision. the perfect wind, fire, water & earth. i'm here at the perfect beginning. amen.

eye twitches

2009-10-23T15:59:00.003+07:00

today, shortly after lunch, around 1 pm, my left eye started to twitch. as indonesian, i was taught to believe that twitching in your left eye meant someone is thinking ill about you or talking nonsense about you behind your back. i can't recall who taught me that or where i heard it. but this is a common belief in this country. who started it doesn't matter anymore.

well, i believe in the grand system that connects us all. the western world may not believe it, but i know in the east, we are a lot wiser to know that as merely an element of nature, it is impossible not to be connected with everyone and everything else in the universe.

so i searched in the internet for other interpretations from the golden years of the greater Asian continent. and i ran into a very interesting writing, titled "Signs and Omens - Eye Twitches and Tics". for those of you who are interested, please read on. for those of you who don't believe in this, please refrain yourselves from commenting or criticizing. i would really appreciate that.

***

Signs And Omens – Eye Twitches & Tics

Good evening, dear friends,

Physical sensations such as eye twitches and tics have been accorded a greater sensation in China than in the West. In the West, there are traditions such as if your ear burns, someone is talking about you, but China has developed a highly complex system of fortune telling based upon these sensations. This post here is based on writing in The Chinese Almanac or Tung Shu and has its history for thousands of years in China.

The most important aspect is to remember when you first felt the sensation. Then refer to the period of time listed below to see what the meaning of this sign is. Please do not take this guide as the gospel truth and actual prediction as it is only a form of beliefs practised in the olden days in China.

11pm – 1am

Twitches or tics in the left eye means a noblemen will come to see you. If the right it means you will be invited to a party or feast.

1am – 3am

If in the left eye, this means that something will happen to worry you. If the right eye, then someone is thinking about you.

3am – 5am

If in the left eye, this means that a friend from afar will come and visit you. If the right eye, this means a happy event awaits you.

5am – 7am

In the left eye, this means that a special guest will come. If in the right eye, then everything will go well.

7am – 9am

In the left eye, this means a close friend will come from afar. If in the right eye, then expect a slight injury.

9am – 11am

In the left eye, this means you will go to a party or feast. If the right eye, you will have a quarrel or a disaster.

11am – 1pm

If the left eye, this means you will eat and drink heartily. If the right eye, beware or there will be a disaster.

1pm – 3pm

In the left eye, this means that you are safe and plans go well. In the right eye, it means that you will have a minor happy event.

3pm – 5pm

In the left eye, it means you will lose money. In the right eye, then you will be thinking of your loved one very much.

5pm – 7pm

In the left eye, this means a guest is coming. This is also true for the right eye, but from far away.

7pm -9pm

In the left eye, this means a guest is coming. In the right eye, it means you will go to a big gathering.

9pm – 11pm

In the left eye, it means that a friend is coming. In the right eye, beware of trouble in court.

sweet sixteen

2009-10-22T15:14:00.007+07:00

just like a blank card

it's empty, yet full of promises

and opportunity

just like the coming year

it is waiting to be filled

with achievements and sometimes failure

but also affection from we who love you

and just like we named you 16 years ago ...

"SKY"

your options are limitless

so fly, to the sky, and reach your dreams

we will always be here

cheering you on ... always.

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY, SKY DWI-DRUPADI SUCAHYO!

conviction

2009-10-10T20:54:00.001+07:00

If the universe is listening at all and everything is inter-connected, then for sure he will be held accountable for his words, his promises, his pledges, his wishes. “I want you.” “I wish you were here.” “Wait a bit, I’ll figure something out.” “I think you’re my soul mate.” “It feels so right.” And so on. And so on. He has said too much, too often. And we have broken the seal, with the oldest ritual of flesh and blood ever known to the human race. Underneath a full moon, we were air, water, fire and earth. The unbroken golden ring that marks the things that are supposed to be. We are supposed to be. And when the seal is broken, we’re supposed to set in motion a series of events from which there will be no return. There are forces at work tonight. Air, water, fire and earth. Through flesh and blood and the golden ring. Make him keep his words to me. Because entropy is fundamental. Everything decays. And indifference is the engine of entropy. I’m decaying. What I require should be now within reach. Darkness follows light. Chaos follows order. And vice versa. We should be moving out of the inner circles, out of darkness, into the light. Transformation. By the power of focused conviction and intention, I summon all forces of the universe to unify and make him keep his words to me, hold him accountable for his words, his promises, his pledges, his wishes. For nothing is hidden that will not be made known and nothing is secret that will not come to light. It is time.

sinis

2009-10-09T12:19:00.003+07:00

semua tlah kulakukan dalam kelam
ku tlah coba menjabat tangannya
ku tlah coba mendekap wajahnya
ku tlah coba kecup bibirnya
ku tlah coba meraih jiwanya
semua cuma berujung sendu
dalam kelepak muram sang elang
menatap pada debu

sinis

dan ku teruskan menipu jiwa
dalam gelap tanpa lentera

PENGECUT!

2009-10-09T00:55:00.002+07:00

Thank you, Andini Haryani (http://lovingindonesia.blogspot.com) for this post..

I don't know who you're angry at, Din.. But this is exactly how I feel at the moment about someone.. Nyontek ya..

Pengecut

Terlalu lama menunggu

Tak kunjung tumbuh keberanianmu

Merunduk terus, mengangguk terus

Kapan kau kan membangkang?

Kapan kau kan berang?

Pengecut yang membosankan

Kau akan membuatku mati sambil menguap

Aku butuh bangga padamu

Mengapa tidak kunjung kau sadari itu?

Aku muak lihat buntutmu,terjepit malu di selangkangan

isyarat

2009-10-06T00:31:00.002+07:00

hujan seperti tak punya pendirian. tiba-tiba datang, tiba-tiba pergi. begitu sepanjang jalan. tapi setidaknya, kehadiran dewi hujan cukup meneguhkan. dan langit seusai menangis, sajikan sapuan warna lembut seperti krim susu. putih kelabu berpadu dengan sedikit torehan biru. my cream-colored clouds. sebuah isyarat. a blessing to take this journey.

setengah perjalanan, perut mulai melilit-lilit. benak mulai bertanya ragu. should i really be doing this? jalan aspal yang menanjak dikelilingi bukit itu tak lagi terasa mulus. padahal tak ada lubang, tak ada gelombang, tak ada rintangan. tak terasa, kaki tak lagi dengan semangat menekan pedal gas. “lha? kok jadi pelan sih?” protes teman yang terburu-buru ingin segera sampai untuk merayakan ulang tahun perkawinannya dengan sang istri. perjalanan ini, dia pikir untuk dia. padahal, permintaan untuk mengantarnya ke kota ini justru menjadi berkah, untuk sebuah keputusan. sebuah langkah. sebuah tekad. benar atau salah, hati ini, tidak lagi sudi mengalah.

mengambil jalur paling kiri untuk kendaraan yang lebih lambat, hati pun dalam sunyi membatin sebuah doa. give me a sign, please…

dan…

mendadak.. entah dari mana, dua burung putih melintas bagai sepasang kekasih di angkasa. kepakan sayapnya mengingatkan lukisan anak sd pada setiap pelajaran menggambar, yakni seperti huruf "m". sepasang merpati? bisa jadi. tapi mungkin juga tidak. yang jelas, mereka berwarna putih bersih, kontras berlatar langit biru susu itu. yang jelas, mereka mewujudkan isyarat. i'm alright. i'm supposed to do this. thank you for the sign… kaki kembali tancap gas.

********

gerbang tol tidak berapa jauh lagi. kenapa macet ya? jangan-jangan, this is a bad sign? sekitar 30 menit kemudian, antrian mobil sebelah kanan mulai mepet-mepet ke kiri, berusaha mencari celah di antara ratusan mobil lainnya. bottleneck. ada apa di sebelah kanan jalan? tak lama, 2 mobil penyok terlihat teronggok di bahu jalan. 6 mobil lainnya juga ringsek di kanan jalan. pantas. tabrakan beruntun.

hati kembali berterima kasih. this isn’t a bad sign. despite the horrendous accident, it’s actually a good sign for me. kalau saja tadi benak tidak bertanya-tanya, atau diri tidak menunggu jawaban, maka sepasang merpati (anggap saja mereka merpati) hanya akan terbang sia-sia tanpa sempat terlihat. karena mobil masih akan terus melaju kencang. dan mungkin mobil inipun jadi korban tabrakan. a few minutes delay may have saved my plan today. thanks!

********

“hey! kamu udah sembuh?” suara itu terdengar ceria tanpa beban. phew, syukurlah. dia sedang siap-siap mau makan malam.

good timing. can i join you? i have a bottle of merlot too!

“boleh dong! i’ll cook some more pasta. not much left, but i think it’s enough for you.”

ya ampun, belum jugakah kamu sadar, makan upil pun cukup selama ada kamu.

********

dan malam merayap dalam rangkaian tutur dan kisah yang rebutan minta didengarkan. sudah begitu lama, kita tidak saling cerita. i just realized, i hate not knowing anything that’s going on in your life. kadang rasa ingin tahu itu menggores luka, tapi tetap saja, lebih baik tahu.

bulan nyaris purnama. sebenarnya, purnama baru sempurna esok malam. tapi biasanya, malam purnama selalu hujan. dan bulan terselip di antara kelamnya awan. itu sebabnya, perjalanan harus dilakukan hari ini, satu hari sebelum purnama, saat bulan menghias langit dengan cahaya putihnya yang mirip lampu sorot. bulan, perjalanan, kita. tiga kata yang terinspirasi buku Perahu Kertas karangan Dewi Lestari, terbisik begitu saja dari bibir. atau, karena kini kita sedang duduk di teras sepi, mungkin yang lebih tepat adalah: bulan, sudut sunyi, kita.

Ya Tuhan, betapa aku mencintainya. please bless us. jiwa dan raga.

dan malam makin merayap. purnama jadi saksi, bersama gemerisik semak di muka jendela dan nyanyian jangkrik sesekali. angin bebas keluar masuk lewat berbagai celah yang jarang terkunci. aroma rumput basah turut melengkapi. tapi kita tidak dingin. hangat kamu, hangat aku. kita. satu. seperti seharusnya. karena kamu belahan jiwaku. tidak peduli apa kata dunia. karena hati tak pernah salah. hati telah dipilih. dan hati ini tak lagi sudi mengalah. hanya kamu. hanya aku. hanya kita.

the moon, empty house, cloudy sky, hills, and us. hanya napas kita yang menyatu dalam embun. hari menjelang pagi. genap pulalah isyarat itu. thank you.

********

“dia seneng banget kalo ada si eneng di sini,” si bibi yang biasa datang setengah hari untuk membersihkan rumah mulai rumpi. pekerjaannya pasti sudah selesai, dan sekarang mulai kurang kerjaan.

ah, masa sih bi?

sambil bersandar di hammock (bi, itu hammock buat ditidurin, bukan disenderin!), si bibi pun melanjutkan, “eh, kok si eneng gak percaya. beneran ini! dia selalu bilang, seneng banget kalo ada eneng, karena selalu seru dan bisa ngobrol macem-macem.”

si bibi masih nyerocos, “… gak seperti kalo ada si *BEEP!!!* gak nyambung kalo ama dia mah.”

halah.

aku berharap saat itu juga telinga bisa dibuat tuli. lebih baik tuli daripada sakit hati. tapi terlambat, nama itu sudah terburu disebut. herannya, aku tak juga terbiasa dengan rasa perih yang disebabkannya. dan aku diam. menggigit bibir, menahan air mata. it doesn’t matter. aku berusaha kompromi dengan hati sendiri. he’s being so sweet this weekend. it doesn’t matter.

but it matters. this, in fact, is only a stolen moment. a stolen weekend. but i believe it is a blessed weekend. semua isyarat berkata begitu. hatiku berkata begitu. rumpi siang inipun harusnya jadi isyarat. bahwa hatinya pun telah terpilih. olehku. tapi kenapa rasanya sakit sekali? i really hate that name.

kutatap jendela ruangan kantornya yang berada di samping halaman. dia masih sibuk di depan komputer. dari sofa ini aku hanya bisa melihat kepalanya. sambil menghela napas, kupaksa mataku kembali pada buku The Lost Symbol karya Dan Brown, melanjutkan kisah misteri yang sesungguhnya sangat seru. pembatas buku terselip pada halaman 79. kembali menghela napas, aku mulai membaca halaman itu. dan sebuah isyarat lagi langsung tersaji.

halaman 79. wide acceptance of an idea is not proof of its validity.

ok. jadi aku harus bersabar. the idea of us being together, is not widely accepted yet. but it doesn’t mean it’s not valid. and vice versa (the idea of them being together is widely accepted, but it doesn’t mean it’s valid). fine. jadi aku (masih tetap) harus bersabar. baiklah.

********

a stolen weekend. beautiful and tender. but i know you are scared. so am i. this isn’t something that i do just for the fun of it. i do it because i love you, and because it feels so right. it may not seem right, but it does feel so right. you. me. soul mates.

a stolen weekend. affectionate and sweet. but i know that fear. it’s the fear that has kept us apart. i still have lots of questions too. why does something stolen feel so right? and why does something that feels so right make me bleed to death inside? so i share your fear. it’s my fear too. and i’m constantly trying to find the reason too, to make sense out of this too…

“if only i have a clear reason… i just need one clear reason…” kamu mengeluh sedih.

Ya Tuhan, tidakkah Kau mendengar? keluhan spontan itu adalah doa yang terlontar begitu saja dari mulutnya. tolong dengarkan. dengarkan dia dan kabulkan doanya. he needs a clear reason! please give him one… please… and please hurry…

if only i could crystallize that moment, that weekend, and stay frozen in it forever with you, i would. i would crystallize everything. the night of the full moon. our morning cups of coffee. the white smokes from our cigarettes. the beautiful view. our vespa ride to go to dinner. the tenderness. every word. every hug. every kiss. everything.

then we would stay in this inspirational little corner, with me in your wings, forever. what we’ve done this weekend, i don’t know whether it’s wrong or right. but for me, i am simply trying to connect the link, solely on the power of intention. i am trying to achieve the unachievable and to avoid the unavoidable, solely on the power of focused thoughts. because, believe it or not, a human thought can literally transform the physical world. so i no longer allow myself to fall in the hand of destiny. i am creating my destiny and becoming the master of my universe. and you, as you know, are the sun in my universe. my light, my warmth, my source of life.

********

the weekend is over. when i woke up this morning, nothing was lost. but nothing was mine. well, i guess i have to accept the cards that life gave me. but i get to decide how to play. and this is how i’m playing it. hati ini tak lagi sudi untuk mengalah.

aku, masih akan selalu mempertajam semua indera, untuk menangkap tepukan halus isyarat itu di bahu, lewat semua elemen alam di jagad raya ini. tanpa berhenti berusaha. tanpa berhenti berdoa. tanpa berhenti berharap. tanpa berhenti bermimpi. karena kamu, adalah matahariku.

and because life is short, there is no time to leave important words unsaid. i love you. even though i bleed, i love you. even when i’m angry, i love you. even when the whole world is turning against me, i love you. and i love you not because you’re nice or whatever, i love you because you rock my world.

and we should be together. the signs are everywhere. aku cuma berharap, kamu pun akan mendapat isyarat. segera. secepatnya. waktu kita. “segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya.” well, semoga waktunya adalah waktu kita. our time please. the one clear reason that you are praying for, may you receive it within our time. amen.

… Untuk Makanan Anjing Saja …

2009-10-01T12:38:00.001+07:00

Heran.

Dan geram.

Gempa berkekuatan 7.6 SR mengguncang pesisir barat Sumatera, memorakporandakan kawasan pantai Pariaman, Kota Padang, dan sekitarnya. Satu lagi amukan Ibu Bumi yang makin tua, makin rentan, makin sakit dan makin sering marah-marah. Setelah mengirim taifun ke Filipina, Laos dan Vietnam, serta menghempas gelombang garang tsunami di kepulauan apik Samoa, agaknya kini giliran Indonesia.

Herannya, di tengah tragedi sebesar itu, di tengah keprihatinan atas kondisi planet yang telah menjadi rumah kita ini, banyak orang masih bisa berolok-olok.

Iya. Betul. Bercanda dan tertawa.

Atau lebih tepatnya, mentertawakan.

Seorang teman yang berprofesi sebagai penyiar bercerita, begitu banyak SMS dengan nada canda yang masuk ke stasiun radio tempat dia bekerja. Para pendengarnya agaknya merasa bahwa tragedi ini memang “sudah waktunya terjadi, karena dunia makin sempit.” Pernyataan via SMS ini ditambah pula lagak tawa layaknya anak-anak muda, yaitu WKWKWKWKWK…

Ada juga yang mengirim pesan begini, “Daripada pusing mikirin mereka, mending saya request lagu aja ya, mbak…”

Heran.

Dan geram.

Dan kini bertanya-tanya, ada berapa banyak dari kamu semua yang berpikiran begini? Ada berapa banyak dari kamu semua yang sudah tak lagi memiliki otak dan hati nurani?

Dunia memang makin sempit. Dan ini semua memang ulah kita. Saya ulang, ulah KITA. Bukan dia, bukan kamu, bukan saya, melainkan KITA. Ini kesalahan kita bersama-sama. Keserakahan kita, ketidakpedulian kita, ketidakmautahuan kita terhadap kelestarian bumi, telah membuat planet tempat kita berpijak dan bernaung ini kian bingung mencari titik keseimbangannya. Ibu Bumi sedang demam. Ibu Bumi lagi panas tinggi. Beliau tengah berupaya mengembalikan kecantikan dan keagungannya. Untuk itu, beberapa hal harus dia korbankan. Dan itu semua, adalah akibat perbuatan KITA. Apa yang kita tabur, kini harus kita tuai. Kita telah menabur angin, maka memang… sudah sepantasnyalah kita menuai badai.

Tapi… pernyataan bahwa “dunia makin sempit” dan “sudah waktunya” bukanlah bahan olok-olok dan ejekan, melainkan bahan introspeksi. Kita yang kini masih diijinkan untuk tetap bertahan di planet paling bergengsi sejagad raya ini seharusnya makin mawas diri dan mulai sungguh-sungguh melihat ke dalam, melakukan perubahan. Mereka yang mati tidak dipanggil pulang ke rumah Tuhan karena mereka dianggap sampah yang telah membuat dunia makin sempit. Justru sebaliknya, mereka yang mati adalah mereka yang diselamatkan-Nya, dibebaskan dari tanggung-jawab dan segala permasalahan dunia. Kematian adalah solusi terbaik bagi masalah apapun yang kita hadapi. Berbahagialah mereka yang telah kembali ke pangkuan-Nya.

Kita dibiarkan “hidup” bukan karena kita dianggap tidak bersalah. Justru kita inilah yang kini makin diberi beban di bahu. Beban untuk melanjutkan hidup disertai tanggung-jawab yang kian besar untuk memperbaiki kondisi bumi yang penuh ketidakpastian ini. Dan beberapa dari kita harus melakukan semua itu sambil menahan pilu dan pedih atas kehilangan yang amat sangat. Kalau saya sih, lebih berharap langsung mati di tempat jika tragedi menimpa. Sebuah harapan egois untuk terlepas dari beban itu. Tapi nyatanya… KITA… masih di sini. KITA… masih harus melanjutkan misi.

Berhenti bercanda dan lihat diri sendiri.

Otak dan hati diberikan kepada kita bukan sekedar untuk membedakan kita dari makhluk lainnya, melainkan untuk dipakai dengan selaras. Binatang pun punya otak dan hati. Tapi mereka tidak diberikan kemampuan untuk menyelaraskan pikiran dengan perasaan, lalu mengaplikasikannya demi kepentingan seluruh umat. Sebagai gantinya, mereka diberikan taring dan kuku yang tajam, atau bisa yang mematikan, atau kecepatan berlari yang luar biasa, atau sayap yang mampu menari mengikuti angin, dan sebagainya. Sementara kita tidak. Sebagai makhluk paling lemah di planet ini, kita justru diberikan kehebatan dalam menggunakan serta mengelola otak dan hati kita. Karena itulah kita disebut sebagai “yang paling sempurna”, lalu ditempatkan dalam rengkuh Ibu Bumi, sebagai penjaganya. Bukan perusaknya. Tolong gunakan kesempurnaan itu sebaik-baiknya.

Ingat juga, patahan lempeng yang menyebabkan gempa di pesisir barat Sumatera kemarin, masih terus bergerak ke segala penjuru. Jambi, hari ini, turut diguncang gempa. Besok? Mungkin Anak Krakatau terbangun dari tidurnya. Lusa? Mungkin Tangkuban Perahu terbatuk-batuk. Hari berikutnya? Mungkin Jogja akan kembali bergetar hebat, dilengkapi siraman lahar dan asap beracun dari dataran asri Dieng. Kita tidak pernah tahu. Hari esok, mungkin giliran kamu, saya atau dia. Tolong jangan bercanda.

Jadi… Otak, kalau tidak dipakai, sebaiknya dibuang saja ke laut. Hati, kalau tidak dipakai, sebaiknya dicincang untuk makanan anjing.

* dedicated to:
1. Unee Adisti – my deepest condolences for your fucked-up listeners.
2. Vriana Indriasari – hope your family in Pariaman is safe and will contact you soon.
3. Minangkabau – my mother land, my blood, my family.
4. The Human Race – GROW UP, WILL YA???